28th January 2001

10.15 am and it's beautifully warm and sunny outside. Well perhaps not "warm", just not-freezing.

A friend of mine has categorised falling in love into distinct entities : see it here

The way she sees it, there's a specific few subtypes of the syndrome known as falling in love. Incidentally, anyone who's studying psychiatry will be struck by the similarities in definition she employs, to the International Classification of (psychiatric) Disease, the ICD-10 for mentall illness :p

so there's

1) the "societal" definition

a sort of mix between being lonely / emotionally unfulfilled, and meeting someone who matches up as closely to your checklist of an ideal or not-quite-so-ideal partner. All very mathematical and calculated. I call this falling into love, rather than falling in love. Trying your hardest to really fall for someone after you get together, because gosh darn it they're everything you ever rationally demanded in a partner... it HAS to work.

2) the "personal" definition, which is more commonly employed in daily life, again comprising a span of sub-elements.

2a) "immediate realisation" - in a nutshell, Love at First Sight

this is an instant attraction. on her page, my friend defines this as something magical, something more-than-words, that something all feel-good movies touch on that make us think awwwwww. it's more than looks, it's dizzyfying, and it also splits up into 2ai) -- it works, and that magic moment persists for the rest of your life, and 2aii) -- it doesn't, the magic wears off, and you pull out the old let's-be-friends clause.

Here, I disagree. Call me an idealist, but I don't think, if the "magic" wears off that it was truly that something more-than-words, that truly intuitive this is the one! thing. I don't think it's Love at First Sight at all. 2aii), by her definition sounds suspiciously like a crush. Call it differences in terminology, but I reckon if it's just an infatuation... too much alcohol? Or that make-up she wears? etcetc... then it was never real to begin with. If two people are just both bought in by the masks the other is wearing, and once familiarity exposes the people beneath the masks and attraction fades, then that's not Love at all. It's simple mutual deceit, intentional or otherwise. That's one of the the things that complicates our lives when looking for The One -- so many people out there are so keen to play the part of the Perfect One that they fool you, carefully, into seeing them that way at first sight. Lust at first sight falls under her 2aii) too. Perhaps she should have created an additional sub-category :p

Another scenario she raises is that two people really do fall in love at first sight, but along the way they change in ways that don't work out. I acknowledge this as a reality. I suppose this ought to be 2ai-a) or something :)

2ai) would be what I would have put as classification 2 -- love at first sight, that works. plain and simple.

Then there's 2b), the more common of the two. The mundane - developed over time. Fell for a close friend. No feelings whatsoever to begin with, but somewhere along the line something happens. Lines crossed? Feelings evolved. Jealous reactions to your best buddy dating another girl.

I don't know about you guys, but I think jealousy comes easily, in various forms. You know, the Oh Know she's going to be stolen away and I'll lose her attention as a friend. That's a very visceral feeling that sometimes tricks you into thinking that you feel for this person. Or perhaps, once in a very long while, it's real... maybe you really did fall in love with this person somewhere along the way.

I'd like to propose an alternative structure (again :p)

2bi) - simply reinforcement by time. ie, running by her definitions, 2aii) can evolve over time into 2bi). That would be like being swept off your feet at first sight, then over time being knocked down repeatedly every time you tried to get up. The True love at first sight that all hollywood is so keen to write the Uberscript about. That joyous, happy but wonderful -- and exceedingly rare -- scenario that jaded cynics no longer believe in. (of course, if we simply defined 2a to mean love at first sight that works, we wouldnt have this dilemma of classification. hence I propose that my friend's classification of pathology is flawed. hehe)

and 2bii) - where feelings evolve, slowly, out of the ether, into something that overwhelms and makes the heart ache -- because more often than not, jealousy clues you in -- and by then it's too late. The best bud has vanished into the sunset with his new lady love. And all you can do is pick up the pieces. It seems circumstantial, to me, if it just happens that lady love isn't the right girl and best bud comes back. BUT

at the end of the day, different folks, different strokes. Everyone wants something slightly different from it all. Some people may run by their checklists, some may spend their lives waiting for True Love at First Sight, and some may hunger for the jealous heartache that grows into joyous heartache.

I don't know. I'm no authority on love. Just a lowly medical student picking his way through psychiatry.

What I do know is that personally, I go for the 2ai)-->2bi) route. The love at first sight that works, thingie. To me, that's worth the waiting -- perhaps I've watched too much Ally Mcbeal. Perhaps, at my age I should know better than to go waiting for the almost-unreacheable. The even-rarer-than-2bii) route. But it's simply irreplaceable if it *does* happen... of course there's a lot of evaluation along the way in your mind. When you're trying to distinguish between 2ai) and 2aii) even though your (in)sensibilities are shouting out to you, it's Real! (cos they're such a fine line.) I guess the acid test is time... if it doesn't fade away quickly as you get to know the other person, then it must be real. If as you go through the process of mutual discovery, you find yourselves liking - loving, rather, everything about them. If that moment persists, somehow, irrationally and inexplicably over time. That's the true magic of it all. I guess I prefer joyous bliss to constant heartache, even if it's a good heartache. isn't that bizarre, coming from me? :)

Well what little I do know is this :

I met an elf this Christmas, and she swept me off my feet :)

Thank you.