28th May 2000

It's 3 am. It's raining, outside my window. In an hour, the sun will rise.

It's been rainey and cold these past few days. I've regained my ability to exhale clouds. This is London, in summer. Today it couldn't decide whether or not to be cold or hot so it kept alternating every 5 minutes. It rained, and stopped more times than a woman changes her mind when buying a dress. Well, most women.

I've emailed someone, no prizes for guessing it was a woman. I don't know where that goes. I don't know if that's still her email address, and I don't know if I'll get a reply or not. And now I'm sitting here looking out my window (when I'm not looking at my screen, which is a lot of the time since I don't need to look at the monitor while I type) and I see raindrops starting to stick to my window. That means the rain's getting heavier. And I'm waiting for the dawn.

And wondering about life.

Many people think they've got life figured out; to some it means finding a life-partner and settling down (as early as possible, ie before 30) and having 2.4 children. I saw a poster in the tube today, 32, single and desperate and I thought but that's so bloody young. How can you be 32, single and desperate? That's like 20, single and desperate. Or 17, single and desperate. It doesn't bloody mean anything. 40, 50, or 60 and I might understand. 32 I do not. 32 year olds have an entire life ahead of them. Being a clinical student has changed the way I look at the human lifespan. 50 year olds who come into clinic with Chronic Obstructive Lung Disease from smoking 20 cigarettes a day for 20 years are too young.

If above life-sorted people are Singaporean they'll have an extra "buy flat" clause in there somewhere. It's part of our national culture of narrowmindedness and prejudice. Superficiality is a national code. How can I deny it now that one of our most prominent MPs has announced to the world that all dropouts go to Perth. How much more bigoted can you get? How can you bloody say that and then turn the other cheek and try to cajole / order overseas "talent" to return to a country that scorns them? Can't you people who MAKE our country take the time to think and sort yourselves out? The country needs you to, before you try to sort it out. How can you hold prejudices like that and lead by example. I'm not saying step down, I'm saying look at what you think, and then look at reality, really look at it, examine it from all angles before you pass judgement. There are so many reasons people go abroad to study. Some leave because they can't pass their "mother tongue" and will lose an opportunity to go to university because they can't speak malay, indian, or chinese even if they're fully conversant in English. Some leave because their parents are working there. Some leave because they were born Australian and are going home to grandparents and family there. Some leave because they have the chance to see a bit of the world before returning home, and australia is the nearest to home and the easiest to travel to and from. Some leave because the universities back home have limited facilities or spaces available that it's their only option to pursue the course and career of their dreams. All will take offense at your callous remarks. All will rise to arms and most will be driven further away from thoughts of returning. Can you not understand that most of us who have left the country have seen what the world, and not just the region, has to offer? Not Bigger Better Faster, but more, just more than what we have back home. No better, no bigger, just more varied. Many of us will become inclined to stay here, but return because of family. Some of us don't return because the urge to stay in relatively more open-minded and diverse societies overrules "filial piety". You can't expect to cudgel us back home with a club. You have to use the carrot. You can't expect us to return by making us feel guilty, or calling us dropouts. You need to give us incentives to return. And stop calling us ingrates, it won't help you any.

I remember a friend of mine who was a scholar under the government. She received an email informing her she had been given the honour of an interview with the local press, and that she had to return an article before a certain date. What foolery was this? She was a clinical student then. The letter should have stated that the Powers that Be understood she was a busy clinical student with little time on her hands, and that they would be much obliged, and honoured, if she could take the time to write them an article for their paper. A cudgel, where a carrot should have been.

I know you, Mr Y who made the crack about Perth are probably a family man with an ordinary life and wonderful children and a wife. I understand you probably made a slip and voiced your mind more starkly than you intended, and I empathise if it was a mistake. I mean no malice when I write this, but I hope you regret what you said, and that you might re-examine your personal prejudices and perhaps, just perhaps, speak to some of the students you affronted, and maybe even apologise to them. It will cost you nothing.

To others with sorted-lives, Life means starting a big flashy career and earning lots of money. Perhaps that's what life is to other people, and I respect that.

To me life is about making memories. About walking down roads and remembering them, and savouring the air, and the touch that is life. It's not just about walking down roads that feel good, or firm under your feet. It's just about the walking, and remembering. Whether the roads be good or bad, whether I feel happy or not. It's about making memories that I will remember someday, when I'm old.

I await the sunrise.