2nd January 2000
3.49pm GMT

I'm sitting here by my little window on the world, writing on the dingy seatback table you get in economy class in an SIA airline. I'm flying back to London and the incessant drone of the jet engines is gradually lulling me to sleep. I'm reminded of the scene from Stephen King's surrealistic horror movie, The Langoliers where everyone falls asleep on a commercial jetliner only to awaken to a strange midway-reality where the edges of the "past" are eaten up by creatures with sharp teeth as the future is created. Perhaps I shouldn't go to sleep. I might get eaten by a Langolier...

Some of you will try to empathise and say we're so sorry, you must really want to stay, it's such a pity your holiday was so short you poor thing. Funny thing is you'd be dead wrong. I'm actually feeling quite happy, maybe even a little euphoric. Not a clue why; it's not like I was miserable back home in Singapore, on the contrary I had a pretty good time. It was warm, and I met up with a couple of old friends, made a few new ones, spent time with my family, watched american movies on Singapore TV, caught Anna and the King, scoffed at the TCS New Year celebrations, lay on a bench and looked at the stars with an old friends, and played ar hockey at some arcade centre out there and forgot all the trouble of the world, and what it meant to be an adult, if only for an instant. It was a good holiday.

Strange, this. I usually feel quite morose when I'm flying. It's probably a combination of a depressive mind and claustrophobia. The last time I felt this happy in the air was on a plane back to Singapore from australia, after a particularly bizarre holiday. Funny that. I'd been all prepped to feel my worst ever, all steeled to fall apart then put myself back together quickly - just in time for finals, then stop to breathe for a while and "assess the extent of damage" as they say in Hollywood. I remember things turning out quite differently to what I'd expected. The months that followed were probably amongst the happiest and unreal of my entire life. I remember walking through the streets of London feeling the sun on my face and stretching out my arms akimbo. Have any of you ever tried that? Close your eyes and raise your head, feel the sunshine on your face and stretch out your arms. Somehow it makes you feel like you're warm and "free". Or maybe it's just me. I remember laughing; I remember impossibilities, that were after all, impossible and just in my mind. And if ever you read this, you who I laughed with, well I'm sorry I must have taen it all out of context, but at the time I could have sworn I wasn't laughing alone. And I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, and I really mean it, I'm not just mouthing the words. And perhaps you'll even believe me when I say all these sorries, but perhaps you won't. It doesn't matter. Does it?

So yeah. I'm happy right now, sitting here on my aeroplane watching old Star Trek movies -- and believe me, I'm not a Trekkie -- drinking my plain water and looking out the window. There's snow down there, tonnes and tonnes of it. After hitting Singapore soil, I discovered many of my friends were depressed and in trouble in their own various ways, some more so than others, all equally important to me. And I don't know that I actually helped them at all, I don't know that my counselling them and hearing them out actually helped them make any life-bettering or crises-resolving decisions. I don't know that my prayers for their courage and strength, or for my mother's, were actually realised -- it takes two to tango, not just God alone-- but I know I listened. and maybe in some small way that helped and I'm glad for that. Whatever little good I did.

And I hope you of the recent heartbreak, you know who you are, I hope you fix yourself back together and don't you dare stop being that silly inane little girl you are, but don't stop dreaming either. Someday you'll find the He who's somewhere in-between, neither to bloke-ish nor gal-ish and is just right for you. ("and I know he's out there somewhere, just beyond my reach, though I've never really touched him, or ever heard him speak, though we've never been together, we've never been apart, no we've never met haven't found him yet, but I know him by heart") I'd have hugged you goodbye, but well, you know me and my weird phobias / convictions / murderous streaks.

And I hope you of the problems at home, the massive ones, the you I tried to page today at the airport whose PHONE WAS ENGAGED... I hope you work things out somehow, and get the hell out of your mess, somehow. I want you to know I don't see you as a "patient" at all. I see you as a personal friend. When the time's right - you show no mercy, yah? It's not retribution - it's justice. Justice that helps others aside from yourself, and stops future disasters from occurring. What little help you can do. I wish I could have met you. I think you're remarkable by the way.

And you who had that thingie removed from your head, you know who you are, I'm not qualified to say this 'cos I don't know enough, but I think you'll be okay, and I'm hoping you think so too, and praying that you'll be okay. Perhaps we'll meet someday in the UK.

And you with your big EX*M, you know who you are, I know I can't make you study (I can't even make myself study) and I can't make it so that you stop having little problems crop up that make it feel impossible to buckle down, but I can be aroud to hear you out, what little help that is. And after you've been heard out, maybe you'll be able to put that little nose back to the grindstone. It's all up to you to get that gunk in your head, and I know you can do it since I managed to. I know what it feels like to panic and think you can't, and I know exactly what you're afraid of since I've been down the same path - if ever you want to talk that through well I'll heard you out too.

And you who laughed with me once upon a time some dark night, alone in your room an entire ocean away, the you with the problem finding shoes in your size, well, I hope you're still you and still doing brilliantly as ever and sorting your future out as best as it needs to be sorted. Don't reckon you'll ever find this homepage. Hope that wherever you are, you're happy and that whoever it is carrying your luggage and bearing the brunt of that quirky sense of humour is right for you and is doing you justice. Whatever happened back there was necessary, and hell I don't understand it either but well, it was one of those things you have to do. Don't suppose you'd understand that. And for the record, I'm not cryptic nor have never meant to be; it's just that I talk the way I think, in pictures and emotions and it doesn't always make sense.

So to all of you out there, I think you're all going to be fine. I'm happy right now... reckon I'll just close my eyes for a bit.