The Cynics Guide to Life, the Galaxy, and Everything

Ok. My take is, basically, life is divided into Moments.

You've got the Bah! moments. Bah! moments are characterised by Murphy's and Sod's law. Things that will go wrong will invariably screw up in the way most guaranteed to piss you off to no end, wreck a beautiful day, and make you say Bah! amongst other choice expletives. An example is when you wake up to a rainy grey day, put your toast in the toaster, press down the button and trip every circuit breaker in the neighbourhood, earning the wrath of all your neighbours. Don't you deny that it hasn't happened to you.

Then there's Uhh moments. Actually, Uhh moments broadly encompass two disctinct entities, Uhh... and Uhh! moments. Uhh... moments are when you're completely lost for words, you know, eg when something embarrassing happens like you walk in on your best friend shagging your room-mate or something, although both are engaged to be married to different people. That's definitely an Uhh... moment. Usually, closing the door discretely and pretending that it never happened helps. Uhh! moments are more extreme, but basically the same thing. Eg when you're the one caught shagging your room-mate by her boyfriend, or if your trousers fall down while you're walking down the street or something. Statistically, Uhh... moments are probably more common than Uhh! moments, because Uhh! moments are usually vehemently denied and repressed from memory.

Then there's Hmm moments. Hmm moments, like Uhh moments, comprise 2 separate but similar entities. Hmm moments : there's Hmm... and Hmm? moments. Listen closely. The difference is very subtle.

Hmm... moments are moments when you're contemplative. When you suspect things might be going wrong, but you're not quite sure of it. Almost premonitions. Eg you pop your toast into the toaster first thing in the morning, and nothing happens. That's a Hmm moment. About 10 minutes later, you probably have a Bah! moment when you realise the toaster isn't plugged in. Hmm... moments are vaguely suspicious. Hmm? moments are usually completely innocent, and usually confused. Hmm? moments occur when somethings not quite right as well, and you sense it. Also premonitions, in a sense. But there's a different outcome, a more bizarre outcome than you were expecting. Eg you pop your toast into the toaster, and you get back 20 dollars. Now that's definitely a Hmm? moment. or rather a yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaa moment. Actually that was a bad analogy. Okay say you pop your toast into the toaster, and you get back 2 fried eggs. Or say you step into the house and catch your best male friend shagging your roomates boyfriend, although both are engaged. Yeah that's definitely a Hmm? moment. Hmm? moments have a certain air of Wot? Wait a minute... about them. :)

Mmm... moments are considerably rarer. Mmm moments. Use your imagination. Eg best friend shags roomie's girlfriend and gets away with it, for him that's pretty much an Mmm... moment. Next time you see the hero and heroine smoking ciggies the scene After, you think to yourself, now that's an Mmm... moment. Say it with me. Mmm...

Then there's Err... moments. Err... moments are very much like Uhh and Hmm moments. Err... moments are awkward, but not necessarily embarrassing to the extent that Uhh moments are. Eg when someone says something dumb, like say is that a toaster? Or eg you open the door, catch your best friend and roomie hard at it, and someone walks by and says gee what are you guys doing... wrestling? That's an Err... moment. Usually Err... moments are less extreme than the latter scenario though. The dumb-speak scenario is the more common. And usually Err... moments are shared by a group of people who pause, stop talking, goggle at the dumb-speaker, and collectively think "Err..."

Err moments are probably the most common of all, after all, to Err... is human.

So, in a nutshell, life is a Bah-Uhh-Hmm-Mmm-Err. Bummer.

Just kidding! :)

XZ