toeveryone

     Once again, I've got "the blues." This happens more and more often to me, and I am presently searching for insight and relief. I blame it on loneliness and teenage depressive tendencies, but there is something important here.
      I know that I am not the only person out there who is suffering from "the blues." People around the world are suffering, and they are trying to find a reason why. In my worst moments, I blame my depression on everyone around me, and I become anrgy that they do not want me for anything but cheap conversation.
      Do I look like a laugh machine? A cheap joke here, a dirty one there, sooner or later I should just get a coin slot cut into my forehead so people can pay me to be funny. They do it anyway, although subconsciously. I want food, maybe I need a ride, they say, "hey, why not? He is a funny guy, and I enjoy his company." So they pay for a meal here and they give me a ride there. I take it, I soak up their kindness like a sponge, because I know that I need it. I am a slave to the audience.
      I see myself, as if in a dream, acting on subconscious motives, moving through this world with a freedom of movement and expression that shocks and intrigues all those around me. I don't bloody care what they think, they can die a grisly death for all that I care. "Oh, sure, that's a pity, but how do I look to you?" In truth, I do care how people think of me. I have grown mentally and emotionally in the past year, and nothing can take away all that I have learned and experienced. I have been brought face to face with death, and I have laughed in his ugly face. I have swum in a sea of blood and tears, and I have bathed in the golden rays of vanity and pride. I am far from pure, but it pains me to realize how impure some other people may be. My actions are cheap and cowardly, and I want nothing less than to be hugged and embraced by the woman of my life. It is so selfish, so dreadfully ignorant of me to love someone so much. I could wish for peace, for universal love, harmony, any number of a thousand things, yet I want to be with her. To feel her hair, kiss her forehead, feel the warmth beneath my hands. I am ashamed of these thoughts, and I have isolated myself from her very love. I have been pushing my friends away, and they don't even realize it. I want them to like me, yet I sincerely want nothing more than some time alone. When I am alone, all I want to do is to be with them. Goodbyes are the best, and the worst. I am relieved when I say goodbye, because I know that the fear and embarrassment will soon be over. But the isolation and loneliness will strike me once I leave them. I am tired of typing emails, of msn chats, of everything and anything that is a cheap substitute for person to person talks. So many things need to be said, and I am so far from everyone that matters. I should get started, although I do not know what to say. I have these wonderful friends, and they do not know who I am. How can they be friends if they can never understand who I am?

Okay, everyone, this is who I am. I am a writer, a philosopher, a child, the saint, the sinner, a painter, a tantra master, a servant of the public good, one of the guys, one of the girls, a lover, a sister, yet rarely am I a brother. I never had a brother, at least not the kind that I wish I could have. I had an easygoing but haphazard childhood, the kind that comes from inner numbness and outer happiness. I love everyone, I really do. I love the worst people who have ever lived, because we are all suffering and laughing together. Religion, culture, language, and countless other things separate and divide us. Yet, at the same time, they bring us together. I want true inner peace, I want the patience that I long for. I want to live as close to eternity as eternity goes, because I want to have the time to serve man the way I know I can. I see a lesson around every corner, in every conversation, in every dog, cat, occupation, and person that has ever graced this earth with its presence. Some people can go through the same childhood, and see nothing but torment and pain. I see that too, sometimes. I have certainly had a lot of bad days, where all I did was act foolishly and hurt innocent people. No one moreso than my little sister, who I have bruised, cut, sliced, and otherwise injured with 1) my foot 2) a D battery 3) a lazy back hand 4) a racket 5) an unkind word. There are more than that, I am sure. I have attempted to castrate my older brother, with a spoon no less, and I have suffered just as much as I have caused against him. This in no way justifies who I am, or how I came here, but I hope it shows everyone that we all have a dark past. We all have bad days, and actions that we would rather forget than live with. I want to be everyone, to be everything, to experience a thousand lifetimes at once, yet I also want to go to sleep. I am a mess of contradictions and tangled webs of ignorance, but I also enjoy the pursuit of truth. I want to be happy, and I want to find God, my savior, and my lover at the end of time. I want to find new friends, I want to lay my head in a wise lady's lap, and stare at the sky together, guessing what each cloud is supposed to mean. I want to save someone's life, but I want to do much more than that. I want to keep them alive, and happy. I do not have a specific reason for living, but I forget in my bad moods how many I actually have. Billions. Billions of perfect reasons, none more or less important than the other. I want to be friends with as many as I can, and, who knows, I might be able to lead some closer to the truth. Or, perhaps, I might find some truth myself. Or, as I hope, I might spend my life with a lovely woman. Someone who is patient enough to listen to my bull crap and love me just the same, as I will love her the same. In America, we have so many words to honor people. Courage, glory, fame, adored, honor, bravery, and a myriad of others. The real courage isn't about dying, or dying for something noble, it is about living for a noble purpose as well. We honor the dead, but we need to honor the living too. I love you, whoever is reading this, and even though you may never fully understand who or what I am, remember that I want you with me. I want your companionship, I want to feel stronger with you. No one is perfect, we are all human, but we can be far better than we are now. I know we can. Look around in your life, who have you not thanked lately? What do you need to tell your friend, your lover? The people around you, they are your teachers and friends. Never forget how much someone must want you, or how important you are to someone's life. If you can't find a single person who doesn't want you, do two things. 1) Be a better person, always strive to be moral, healthy, wise; and 2) Find some new friends. I need to call some friends right now, I know that they deserve it. They certainly deserve my thanks more than my continued presence, and I hope that you will tell your special friends the same thing.
      Thank you, Jacqui, Sam, Cathy, Sarah, Carly, Justina, Katie, Amanda, Erin, Kristin, Lauren, Christina, Rachel, Heather, Stacie, Matt, Neil, Kurt, Jay, Will, Chad, Todd, John, Chris, and everyone that I know I have forgotten. You are my friends, and just a few of the reasons that I wake up every morning. I will see you soon, and I will always try to remember all of the great things that you have done for me.   Goodnight, and God bless.