They say we’re alone in this world, but yet we must love one another. I guess that is true. I love Justin because he is nice. I love Joey because he is funny. I love Lance because he is happy. I love JC because he is caring.nextI don’t love. I don’t have anything. Only an arm and a needle to make my life worthwhile.
The girls want me. The girls love me. But I don’t love them. No. I love her.
But who is “her”? I don’t know. They know. I just remember. Remember?
We’re… on tour. Yes, tour. This is the bus. I am sitting in the back of the bus while Justin plays PlayStation. My eyes burn. I don’t mind.
I stand and make my way to the front. Joey’s sleeping in his bunk, as is Lance. They look so peaceful. My arm itches. I scratch it not taking notice of the needle and the blood that is leaking out. Front of the bus, JC is resting his head on the window and staring at the passing surroundings. He looks annoyed or upset. I don’t know… it’s like he cut himself off from the rest of the world after his girlfriend died. He really did love her. A tear falls from his eye but is quickly wiped away once he notices that I’m standing near him.
“The hell you looking’ at?”
He looks so sad, so empty, so broken. I shake my head and sit down across from him at the table. He stares at me, then at the needle. I ignore him as I pick up the small first aid kit we have on the bus. I scratched off the red cross and sloppily wrote “Chris” on the top. I reach in and pull out a few needles with a small bottle of morphine. “Justin!”
JC stands up and walks to the back, making sure to slam Justin into the wall as he passes by. Justin quickly runs to my side without a word. He picks up a needle and fills it with morphine and pulls my arm towards him. “You’re bleeding.”
“Use my other arm.” He pulls the old needle out and wraps a few napkins around it. “Fold your arm.” I do as he tells me while he wraps a telephone wire around my arm. He finds a vein and sticks the needle in, draws back some blood and then empties everything into my arm. I sit back… and… relax. I don’t take notice of him removing the cord or him walking to the back of the bus. I don’t notice anything.
Dreams… as Britney told me once, “a dream within a dream.”
I dream. But I don’t dream of Britney. I dream of her. Her. She. My love.
She holds me in her arms and sings softly in my ear. She kisses me. Everywhere. I am in full…
Ecstasy.