I can’t fucking stand myself anymore. I’m so annoyed with everything I do or say, I just can’t stand it. Suicide is for pussies… that ain’t me. I contemplate the stupid idea, but I can never act on it. I don’t know why.Maybe it’s because I actually care for the guys the press labeled at my friends.
Maybe I’m sticking around for the fans… nah, that ain’t it. I could care less about them. As long as they buy the record, pasting my picture all over their walls, dream wet and nasty dreams about me… I don’t care.
That seems to be what I say more often than anything else now. I don’t care. I do care. No I don’t. Yes I do.
Ugh! Again… I get that feeling I have to do something, but can’t. I don’t have the energy to spend doing something other than sitting on my hotel balcony over looking the pool.
I watch the women below sitting and talking with Justin. Ha… if they only knew he was gay. JC managed to give enough attitude to them that everyone ended up leaving him alone. He sits at one of the tables drinking alongside Lance. I know no words are every passed between the two. Damn… I swear they’re going on a year not saying a word to one another. Damn Livvie. She just got in the way.
I can’t stand the sun anymore and head back inside. Chris passed out on one of the beds and sleeps somewhat quietly. Every now and then a snore escapes him.
The room wreaks of weed. Just the way I like it. Morphine bottles are scattered around the room from last night with Chris. Cocaine are still neatly cut sitting on the bathroom counter waiting for Lance’s return.
I don’t know the fuck does it. I can’t snort anything. Did once. Almost popped a blood vessel. Hurts like a motha….
Screams. I race back to the balcony and see the women running from pool. Justin runs towards JC… like always. Lance continues drinking. JC gets up and slowly walks away… ignoring everything.
It was a chick. I squint to get a better view. I know her. Fucked her last night with JC and Lance. JC left with her… damn.
One leg. Bottom jaw missing. Dried blood. Hair missing in chunks. Fingers burned off.
She walks closer and closer to Justin and Lance, then trips and falls into the pool. I can’t help it… I laugh as she drowns. Sad, really.
Few minutes pass and I’m watching medics pull her dead body from the pool. I hear a clicking nose behind me. It’s JC. “There’s a chick in the lobby that’s wanting to see you.” I turn around and see him staring over Chris. He’s got a butter knife in his hand as he leans in towards Chris’ face. “A blonde. Can’t miss her.”
I smile at the bastard. I love these guys. They’re so… innocent. So honest. Caring.
I head downstairs for the blonde. I can hear the panic of the other hotel guests. Ambulance drives off. People cry… The chick sees me.
She smiles.
One last time.