The Last Word on ....................POSTCARDS

Over the centuries man has found countless ways to communicate. It all started out with the invention of the wheel, allowing primitive man to travel from cave to cave announcing a herd of hungry dinosaur approaching or merely a cookout at Fred and Wilma’s. After much evolution, it has climaxed at the point where modern man can access the internet on his cell phone while in his car. Probably even more dangerous than the aforementioned dinosaur would be this man barreling down the interstate, squinting at porn. But who am I to stand in the way of technology, or pornography for that matter.

What I am here to talk about is man’s simplest yet greatest achievement in the field of communication, the postcard. Postcards make writing fun and are the most fun you can have with a self-adhesive stamp. (You can still lick them, but it hurts like hell). I know we all would like to write a nice long letter to a friend but who has the time. Enter the postcard with its picture on the front and you’re already up a thousand words before you even start writing! (Thank your second grade teacher if you got that one).

Growing up we all remember postcards sent by relatives from far away places, neither of which we’d ever heard of. "Look kids, Uncle Joe Redtop sent us a postcard from Bunny Junction," my mother would say. Let’s take a moment at the Bisconte family table to see the conversation that would follow.

L’il Geno: Who?
Mom: you know, crazy Uncle Joe Redtop
Pete: his red hair makes him crazy?
Dad (fiddling with toaster): No, sending a postcard from Bunny Junction does.
Mom (to dad): Angelo, the only postcard you ever sent was from Sea World saying, "having a whale of a time"

Don’t let this happen to you. Here are some ways to make even the most boring vacation spots look exciting.

The main reason people write anyone is simply to say "hi". While a postcard from anywhere will do, I find no location says "thinking of you" better than a postcard from Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Next time you’re coming back from Dutch Wonderland drive the mobile home to this great little town and pick one up. But don’t waste this baby on your girlfriend or some old flame; send it to your best friend’s mother. I guarantee the gesture won’t go unnoticed. For added laughs, pick up five and individually sign them from the Lakers. It’s well worth the buck you’ll spend on postage.

Postcards that have gotten overplayed are those showing famous local dishes. Why is it that everytime someone goes to Buffalo we get a postcard with the recipe for original Buffalo wings on it? Save the stamp, Martha Stewart. I don’t want to know what is in half the crap I eat. If you want to put these cards to good use, send them to someone who actually cares, someone who cooks. But once again, be creative. Grab a postcard showing Five-Alarm Texas Chili, for example, and send it to your sister in law and write, "that’s two alarms short of your last batch of sugar cookies!" Then sign it "Emeril…BAM!"

As long as we’re talking about what to send, let’s also talk about what not to send. Those all-black postcards saying "Nighttime in Miami" are fake! If it were an actual photo you would see flashes of gunfire and silhouettes of jai alai players. So please stop buying this crap. The people who send you these are the same people who keep cliffs notes in business. (Sure we all read them in school, but we also smoked…OK, new conversation).

And don’t waste money on postcards showing well-endowed women in thongs! The fine people at Victoria’s Secret send me enough soft porn. "This is me on the beach, they write." No it isn’t. You couldn’t look like that with three plastic surgeons and fourteen hours of electrolysis. Now stop sending these, grandmom. My friend, Bob, sent me a similar card writing, "have you ever seen breasts like this?" Yes, Bob, …on you.

Finally, no matter what genre you choose, always end with "PS I’m writing this naked." This applies for postcards as well as interoffice memos.

As I was writing this, my friend told me that it was an odd topic; that not everyone writes postcards and they may not understand. That scared me. Not that you’d miss out on the humor, but that you might miss out on the point. So I won’t risk it. Here it is.

Postcards are a way of sharing the places we love with the people we love. When we see the beauty of a canal in Venice, the passion in a Van Gogh, or anything you truly love, we are often reminded of the people we love. So write them; tell them; thank them. Then maybe someday you will visit them and see this postcard and be taken back to the time and place it was written. Only this time, you can take these loved ones with you. Still don’t get it? Just write a postcard; the rest will explain itself.

xoxo
.....-g

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