The Last Word on… .......................Christmas’ Happy Returns.....

Recently I was invited to a white elephant party. For those of you who have never heard of or attended one of these fabulous events, let me give you the 411. Everyone invited takes a gift they received this year, which they hated, re-wraps it, and puts it on a big table. At some point in the party, after about the seventh cup of three week-old eggnog, the gift exchange begins. Each person goes up to the table and chooses a package assuming this new gift can’t possibly be as bad as the one they left. (The same kind of logic a gambler who is out twenty grand uses as he phones into his bookie "I’ll take the globetrotters and the over.") In no way am I knocking these parties as they serve a very valuable purpose for the following all too familiar gift-giving snafu.

While men usually complain about never knowing what to get their girlfriend, I find she is the easiest person on my list (and the easiest person to shop for). My secret is that as the year goes by, I make a list of everything of hers that I steal, break, borrow or lose. Then when Christmas comes I thoughtfully replace these items. This year I got her mostly thongs and halter-tops. They look better on her but it turns out I was wearing the thongs backwards…(I didn’t say by accident). While I’m not perfect in this area yet, I have come a long way from my gaffe several years back when I bought a girlfriend the buns of steel video. What better way to say, "I want to see other people".

Other bad gift ideas stem from the fact that men are usually doing our shopping on Christmas Eve at the local seven-eleven. This year I made the mistake of buying my girlfriend perfume there. I now realize women like perfume with names that describe them—names like passion, pearls, or Tresor (which is French for "cheap hooker"). Unfortunately, The classiest scent at the local Wawa this holiday season was the "Italian Shorty" named after their popular sandwich. I later found out it’s what my Uncle Frank gives my Aunt Olga every year. What I would like to see is cologne named after men’s traits. What guy wouldn’t be proud to splash on "snake", "liar", or "you only call me when you’re drunk." Actually I did find one practical gift at the local sev, the Italian Chia Pet. A bald guy in a sleeveless tee-shirt and the plant grows out of his shoulders, his back, and his ears. The female one looks exactly the same.

It’s a shame these self-improvement ideas are always met with anger. I also bought my friend Tony some herpecin for those cold sores he’s always getting. He acted like he was angry but he used it. No wonder, it tastes horrible.

Gifts for the new homeowner are always a practical idea. For example, my friend Al recently bought a house in Elkton so for his gift I got him a gift certificate to Pep Boys. Not that he need it, his place handles like it’s on rails. Yes the gift certificate, talk about putting an exact price on a friendship? "Happy Holidays, Geno, I got you a sixty dollar gift certificate to the macaroni grill. Sixty dollars? Why don’t you just save yourself $58.75 and buy me a card reading "Merry Christmas you fat bastard."

And I’m tired of these fad gifts that people think look cool. When my friend Christian handed what appeared to be six hangers neatly soldered together and I asked him what it was he said it was a banana holder. Yeah that’s great, and his girlfriend had the nerve to complain about the gift I got him. One of those cute theme pictures. It’s this great photo of me and him at a bath-house on Arch street and the frame says "Friends Forever". (I’m the one with the banana holder).

We do it every year. We sit in the aftermath of our holiday shopping drowning under a sea crumpled wrapping paper and store receipts wondering where all the holidays went. Wondering where all the gifts went and came from when they weren’t even the gifts at all.

The friends you stood next to in the check out line at the department store, they were the gift. The mall traffic you cursed as you sat in the car with your wife, she is the gift. The clothes that you worried your children would only grow out in under a year; the real gifts are waiting eagerly for you at home. Each of us is a gift and we wrap ourselves in the smiles we share and package ourselves in times we share. My brother just told me he got the job he’s been hoping for… anything he bought me just became that white elephant.

xoxo
...-g

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