By Recceanna and Gen X
I knew something was wrong. When I woke up that morning, I had that feeling in the back of mind. Not a danger sense really, but a tingling of something. Something irrevocably changed. I knew it could be a million things, from obscure to life changing. Voldermort was out in the world after all. Anything could have happened.
But the headline on the newspaper was unexplainable. Unfathomable. Beyond my worst fears. And those fears had been extreme.
How could I reconcile what the world knew with what I knew. That Sirius Black could never have killed our best friends. That he could never have been an agent for Voldermort. That he...
...that he could never have betrayed us that way.
I sat at my breakfast table, dumb with shock and a little horror. It would take a few days for most of the horror to sink in. Which was fine, because it never did go away. the horror of it mapped itself on my face, tracing gray lines in my hear. Letting loose in my monthly hell. Howls of pain that could be heard for... miles I suppose.
they said that he laughed when they took him away. I remember Sirius's laugh. It was loud, boisterous. The kind of laugh that was too infectious to ignore. Whether you were in class or not.
I can't imagine what he must have sounded like. what evil sounded like from him.
I wonder what he sounds like now, after his years in Azkaban. Whether he still laughs, still rings out with half-hysterical, crying bouts of laughter. I'd guess he's much more insane now, than when he was when he went in. A matter of simple facts.
But he didn't seem insane before. He never seemed even a little off balance. Just loyal, courageous, charismatic. But he would have had to be insane, if just a little. To have ...done that.
I knew it was only a matter of time. Each day had been passing by and I became determined that my moment would come soon. My mind revled in it, my body longed for it, and all the danger I was risking would be worth it to set it right. To fix what was irrevocably changed. I knew it wouldn't bring them back, and I knew it wouldn't fix things. But he was still in the world and this needed to happen.
The night was no longer unexplainable to me. No longer unfathomable. It had shaken my reality and I had lived the consequences for too long. Far too long.
I became so determined and obsessed with what I knew, that I was escaping to kill one whom I considered my best friend. That he had been an agent for Voldermort. That he...
...that he had killed them and I helped.
I sat in the shack, biding my time letting myself bask in memories. It had been weeks with no progress. Which was fine, because I had more than enough practice being patient. Then it got complicated, he was here as well. Which was fine, because he wouldn't know about this action any more than he had the other. But I felt everything was unraveling when I glanced him at campus. If I told him, would he believe me? Forgive me?
He doesn't seem like he has changed. I remember Remus's fairness. He was always the level headed one. The kind of friend who was responsible enough but not a prude. A friend, I had decided couldn't be trusted.
He can't imagine how I hate myself for that. Can't imagine how very sorry I am.
I wonder what he would do, if I spoke to him now, after my years in Azkaban. Would he shun me, hate me as I despise Peter, would he hear me out to know the truth. I can't take the chance of being caught, not when I'm so close. It's a simple matter of choices.
But I want him to know. So I can apologize, because he deserves the truth. Truth, trust, and friendship. But would he have me back to hear me out? He would listen... if I asked.
Wouldn't he?
to be continued