Extinction Parody

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Codes: All, A/T’P, PG-13.

Summary: Parody of Extinction. Ridged for your pleasure.

Author's Notes:
This is long. Hope it's funny. This parody was written before the Raijin one.

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Alien: Sweet! I get a part in the opening of the show.

Bad guys: Let's Krispy Krème him!

Alien: Ahhhh! This wasn't in my contract!

Trip: Knock. Knock.

T'Pol (rolls eyes): Whose there?

Trip: Me sweet cheeks!

T'Pol groans and mumbles under her breath: And people wonder why I start using drugs in a few episodes.

Trip: What'd you say?

T'Pol: Nothing. I suppose you're here for another gratuitous T&A scene to treat your insomnia.

Trip: Yup! And I brought refreshments.

T'Pol: Alcohol?

Trip: No. Are you trying to say you need to get drunk to stand feeling me up?

T'Pol whistles to self and looks up at the ceiling. Trip shoves a peach in her face.

T'Pol: I guess I'll eat this just so Phlox can get my DNA sample later and save the day. You think he would have it already.

Trip: Don't ask me. I'm just here to take my shirt off.

T'Pol: Please don't. You're so pasty.

Trip: Sorry darlin' it's in the script.

T'Pol checks script: @*#&$! Let's get this over with before I start thinking about how great my character was before neuropressure.

Archer over intercom: T'Pol, could you join me in the command center?

T'Pol: Yes!

Archer: Okay... see you there.

A few seconds later in the Command center...

Archer: My, you got here fast.

T'Pol: Thank you for calling me.

Archer: No problem.

T'Pol: Could you call me five minutes earlier next time?

Archer: Sure thing. To return the favor you can go down to this planet with me, Malcolm, and Hoshi.

T'Pol: What's in it for me?

Archer: You get to play my girlfriend while I'm an alien. And you get to eat grubs.

T'Pol: Bring the ketchup, and I'll bring my white catsuit.

Archer: Sweet!

On the planet.

Hoshi: Shouldn't we be in environmental suits?

Archer: Don't think too much Ensign. This episode will hurt your brain.

T'Pol: Oh no, my skin is getting all blotchy. And I'm growing ridges!

Malcolm: Aggh!

Inside of Malcolm's body: Akkk!

T'Pol: Oh no you all have been transformed within seconds into an alien species!

On Enterprise...

Travis: I've got the bridge. I've got the bridge. I've got the bridge. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

T'Pol: Travis get me out of here! Gack! Impossible science... brain... exploding...

Travis: Now you need me? What about all the times I needed any of you to notice I was alive. To engage me in conversation. To hold my hand. What about my needs?

T'Pol: Stop it! You're starting to sound like Trip will in Season 4!

Travis: Well at least he gets lines and gets felt up every night! What about me!?!

T'Pol (crosses fingers): If you get us out of here, I'll make sure you get lines.

Travis: I get lines. I get lines. I get lines. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Back on the surface.

Malcolm: Look at me! I can climb a tree! *falls* Oof!

Archer: Show off! I'm the real alpha male here. (To T'Pol) Hey baby, want to go to Irquat with us? They have the best parties on the planet there.

Hoshi: I don't trust her. She's wearing white after Labor Day.

Hoshi jumps T'Pol.

Malcolm: And they're off! Hoshi is in the early lead with a stranglehold on T'Pol. But T'Pol is not out of this fight yet, she wrestles Hoshi to the ground. Hoshi gets back into the fight with an impressive move. T'Pol keeps her pinned down. They are choking neck and neck until Hoshi throws T'Pol to the ground, and she's out cold!

Archer: You hurt my girlfriend! Now we're going to have to carry her in that net laying over there!

Hoshi: Why are you bringing her? Don't you love me?

Archer: Don't be dense! Only men in the Mirror Universe notice you.

Later...

Archer and Malcolm carry an unconscious T'Pol in the net.

All: Hi ho. Hi ho. It's off to Irquat we go. Whistling. Hi ho. Hi ho.

Archer: Let's lay her down here.

Malcolm: Can we poke her with a stick?

Archer: No. I'll just feel her up a bit before she wakes up.

T'Pol: Mmmm... lower.... yes... right there... mmmm.... Huh? What? Captain?

Archer: Hey baby. Want to see my other ridges?

T'Pol: Yes, but can we lose the other two. I'm not into other people watching.

Archer: How about just a kiss? Give me some sugar honey!

Meanwhile on the ship...

Phlox: I'm sorry, I can't help them until the episode is almost over. You know the rules.

Trip: Sigh, what do we do until then? I can't sleep without T'Pol feeling me up first.

Phlox: I could feel you up.

Trip: Umm... no.

Phlox: Your loss. I would have thrown in a rose petal bath.

Travis: Ooh, can I have one? Can I? Can I?

Trip: Down Travis!

On the planet.

Archer: Ooh, a scanner. Bright lights! And it makes noises too!

Hoshi: Aren't you forgetting about something?

Archer: Like having wild jungle sex with T'Pol before we return to the ship?

Malcolm: Irquat?

T'Pol: Come with me Jonathan. Forget about Irquat. You know the writers won't let us get nasty in any other episode.

Archer strokes her face: You do have a good point. The only time I got to first base with you was in a dream.

Malcolm: Don't run off with him. He can't find grubs like I can.

Hoshi: Hello? Am I invisible? What do I have to do to get attention around here?

Malcolm: Dress in a midriff uniform?

Archer: He may be able to find grubs, but I can kick his butt and steal them. Have a bite my precious. They taste like chicken.

Trip: We're here to rescue you.

Archer: I don't want to be rescued! T'Pol and I haven't had our sex scene yet! Don't come back until I have grass burns!

Trip: Okay, but we're taking Malcolm so that we can wrap this episode up.

Archer: Fine with me. He's trying to get a piece of my woman.

Malcolm in decon: Waaaa! I was this close to getting under her catsuit!

Bad guy: We will kill all of your infected crew!

Trip: Yawn. Come on, couldn't you make a better threat than that?

Bad guy: Hey, I'm trying here! I haven't had a chance to practice on anyone in a while. Can we start over again?

Trip: No. It doesn't work that way.

Bad guys: You don't need to get all pissy with me.

Trip: Sorry. I haven't been sleeping well lately.

Bad guy: And I care because?

Trip: Dang. That sympathy ploy usually works on anyone.

On the planet.

Archer: Finally we're at Irquat.

Real Archer: Hey there. See how good you look without prosthetic makeup.

Archer: Yeah, but T'Pol is wild about my ridges!

In sickbay.

Phlox: As you can see, when we played Harbinger over and over again to Mr. Reed, it cured him.

Bad guy: You think this will work on anyone?

Phlox: Certainly. That episode sucks so hard that it collapses in upon itself and nothing can escape the gravitational pull of its suckiness. The Irquat gene was sucked right into it.

Trip: Wait. How did Malcolm not get sucked in too?

Phlox: Simple. I super glued him to the wall.

Malcolm: A little help here?

Archer: Irquat! Oh no! Where are the keggers? The all night strip joints? The brothels? The giant phallic symbols? Irquat is gone!

T'Pol: That's not the only problem. Some guys in funny looking suits are here to toast you.

Archer: No! I'm going to choke you for saying that!

T'Pol: Why?

Archer: Just think of it as early payback for Impulse.

Hoshi: Let's get medieval on their buttocks!

Zap! Pow! Bang! Thwack!

Archer: T'Pol, you look so sexy with a big gun in your hand.

T'Pol: Don't you dare shoot him! We haven't yet done it on the grass, over a rock, against a tree, or in the cave!

Bad guys: Sorry T'Pol. We're T/T 'shippers.

Archer: Damn! I'm never going to get laid.

On the ship...

Trip: Prepare for fire fight!

Travis: Preparing for fire fight!

Trip: Commence fire fight!

Travis: Commencing fire fight!

Trip: Stop repeating what I say!

Travis: Stopping repeating what you say!

Archer: Open a channel to the other ship.

Bad guy: What do you want?

Archer: I just want to show you that except for these butt crack shaped ridges on my head that I'm fine.

Bad guy: We know you would be. You're Super Archer.

Archer: You're from the planet Trekbbs aren't you?

Bad guy: How did you know?

In sickbay.

Phlox: Here is the vial of Irquat DNA.

Archer: Keep it for safe keeping. In case I ever need ridges, I mean, it.

Phlox: Okay. I'll keep it in this small box with no locking mechanism. It'll be safe there. 


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