Raijin Parody

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Codes: Gen, ALL, A/T’P, PG-13.

Author's Notes:
I know it's before Impulse, but I couldn't resist the Trellium jokes.
Location: Xindi Council.

Dolim: They attacked our Trellium mine!

Degra: And they stole a large supply of it...

Meanwhile in the Cargobay of Enterprise.

T'Pol sits in front of a massive pile of Trellium.

T'Pol: My precious.

It's been a long road, getting from stoic T'Pol to Trellium addict T'Pol.
It's been a long road, but her character is finally destroyed.
Because she's got Trellium in the Cargobay.
And no one's going stand between her and it.
She's got Trellium to get high,
So she can bear those neuropressure sessions.
She's got Trellium.
Trellium in the Cargobay.

T'Pol: Is this enough pressure?

Trip: No it feels fine... Oww!

T'Pol: Now it's the right pressure.

Trip: People seem to think something's going on between us.

T'Pol: Well you come here and strip half-naked and have me poke you. You're pretty slow to not expect people to talk.

Trip: Is there more than neuropressure going on here?

T'Pol: Like I'm going to tell you that I purposely hurt you with too much pressure because I like to watch your pasty butt suffer.

Trip: You said that aloud.

T'Pol: Oops.

In Archer's quarters.

Archer: Look ladies- I'm in my underwear!

Scratches self and heads to sickbay.

Phlox: You're scratching it again. I told you not to scratch it because it would only harden and grow larger.

Archer: I know, but I can't help it. It's just there.

Phlox: Put this cream on it and rub it repeatedly up and down. Make sure not to rub it too hard or too long. It will squirt out fluid.

Archer: Okay doc.

Phlox: Now put back on your shirt. The ladies' drool buckets are overflowing.

Enterprise: Wee! I'm in standard orbit!

Inside a market on the planet.

Archer: I'll have two lizards kabobs to go. You don't happen to have mustard do you?

Malcolm: Excuse me Captain, we need to go see that chemist.

Archer: Can't I have a break from the Dark Archer routine for a few minutes?

Trip: Ooh look, caged animals!

Archer: Where? Where?

In the chemist's shop.

Archer: My first officer needs Trellium-D for experiments she's running.

Chemist: My, the amounts you want could line a ship 10 times over.

Archer: She says she needs all she can get for her experiments.
By the way, do you know where the Xindi are?

Chemist: Why, you want to blow them up?

Archer: No, that's Lt. Reed's specialty.

Chemist: They were here last week. They bought some slave girls.

Archer: Slave girls? Sounds like a cheesy plot coming our way.

Raijin: No, it's just me. Save me you strong man, you!

Archer: Ooh, I for some reason completely trust you and want to take you aboard my ship.

Raijin: Thanks. I'll bring all my outfits.

Phlox: My scans show she's a lying, manipulating spy.

Archer: So she's completely safe?

Phlox: Yes... By the way, are you still itching it?

Archer: Yeah. I've been itching it more sense Raijin came aboard. I rubbed the cream over it, but it's not helping.

Phlox: Perhaps you should see T'Pol. She's quite good at scratching itches.

Archer: It's become rather large. She might not be able to handle it.

On the planet.

Chemist: Ooh Old Spice. You shouldn't have! Here's your two tons of Trellium-D.

Enterprise: What's a planet like you doing in this system? Wanna dance with me?

Archer: You look great in skanky clothes Raijin.

Raijin: Thank you. What are you doing under the table?

Archer: Sorry, just scratching an itch.

In engineering.

T'Pol: Do you have my Trellium?

Trip: Yeah. Why did you request it in these little baggies?

T'Pol: It's easier to... experiment with. Now leave us alone!

In Archer's quarters.

Raijin: I just want to make love to you.

Archer: I'll just stand here while you press yourself against me, feel me up, and kiss me. My what tingly hands you have.

Raijin: The better to scan you with my dear.

In the science lab.

T'Pol: It's the perfect grade.

Trip: Perfect grade for lining the ship?

T'Pol: Ummm... yeah.

Explosion.

T'Pol: You idiot! You blew up half my supply!

In the turbolift.

Raijin: Why don't we go back to your quarters Hoshi.

Hoshi: Sure. No one else around here finds me attractive.

In T'Pol's quarters.

T'Pol: Sniff. Sniff. All that trellium lost.

Raijin: Want to have a lesbian scene?

T'Pol: No.

Raijin: Too bad. You're already in one.

T'Pol Faints.

Trip: I'm here for my rubdown. What you doing on the floor?

She's a maniac, maniac that Raijin. And she's running like she's never ran before.

In sickbay.

Phlox: She's okay, but she has a high level of Trellium-D in her system.

Archer: Must be from the explosion earlier.

In the brig.

Archer: I'm going to yell at you now because I didn't get any!

Raijin: Fine, but you're still not getting any.

Enterprise: Crap! Why are ships always firing at me?

Raijin: My buddies are here to set my skanky butt free.

Archer: I won't let them. Super Archer to the rescue!

Reed: Oh no! They've got cooler weapons than us. And they've got kryptonite!

Raijin: I'm outta here.

In sickbay.

Phlox: She gave them scans of all of us, but on the bright side, we have a corpse and a weapon.

Archer: Sounds like a good trade to me.

In the Xindi Council.

Degra: And here Raijin is modeling the new line of Seven of Nine catsuits by Borg Fashion, Ltd.

Raijin walks the runway and the episode fades to black.




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