Somewhere to Start

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Codes: Archer, Angst, PG-13

Summary: Archer's first person. Angsty, but this fit the mood I had that night.

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“I guess you could say I messed up. I messed up good. It’s been a while since I’ve talked to anyone off-duty, even you. I think you’re the only friend I have left.

I could blame this on everyone else. I could blame this on the Expanse. But that would be shifting blame wouldn’t it? The Expanse changed me, but I let it.

I guess you wouldn’t know the feeling. When you look in the mirror and realize that the person there looks like you, but you aren’t you anymore. Even the face doesn’t look quite the same. The dark circles under the eyes, the shrunken cheeks give you away. Then you realize you don’t like what you see. You haven’t for a long time. You became the person you said you never would. You know all to well how you got there. Breaking every rule you ever made for yourself. You’re just some twisted version of yourself now, and you hate everything you see. You wouldn’t know about that. You’re fortunate my friend.

Waking up is the easy part. Then comes the regrets.

I pushed everyone I care about away from me. I could say it was because I didn’t want them to be hurt by who I’d become. That would sound noble in a strange way, wouldn’t it? Maybe I was doing that subconsciously. The truth is I pushed them aside. I put something else in their place. I put the mission before them. Sure, my job was to save Earth, but did I have to give up everything and everyone to do it? No. I stopped talking to them in the mess hall. I stopped laughing with them. I stopped giving them me.

Why share myself? The mission needed all of me. Why sleep? Why eat? The mission needed my constant strategizing. I forgot myself easier than I forgot them. I was unimportant. Earth needed saved. The time for all things personal was over in my mind.

No one noticed me changing. Or if they did, they didn’t tell me. Why should they have? They had their own problems and changes to deal with. I didn’t notice them, so they didn’t notice me.

I messed up. I gave away everything that matters to me. I don’t like this man I’ve become, but I don’t know how to go back. I lost myself out there piece-by-piece.

I don’t know where to begin. How do I start becoming who I want to be? What do I do after I get myself up off this couch? What do I say to each of my friends?

It used to be so easy. I would walk up to Trip or T’Pol and know what to say. Now I don’t know how. There’s a silence between us.

I stopped being Jonathan to them. I became the Captain - that impersonal leader with work constantly on the mind. He talks to you rarely off-duty. That’s probably because he seems to be always on duty. The man who cares about the lives of his crew, but distances himself from them when they need him the most.

Why should it be easy? Things never are after a royal screw up. Maybe I should just stop feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I should stop making excuses for myself and start acting. Maybe I should stop thinking about the mistakes I made and start trying to fix them. Maybe I should stop talking to you and go talk to the people I’m long overdue for a talk with... Thanks for listening, Porthos.”

Walking over to the comm. panel, I push the button making the first call. I wonder how long it will take them to forgive me. I wonder how long it will take me to forgive myself. I don’t know. But I’m willing to find out. The voice on the other end tells me they're free to talk. I close the channel and take a deep breath.

I still don’t know what to do or say when I walk through those doors down the hall. All I know is I need to apologize. An apology won't fix everything I did, but it's somewhere to start. 


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