Therapy 5

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Codes: A,T'P PG-13

The long A/N: This series has been a learning experience. Before this, my writing came seat of the pants. I’ve learned that one of my weaknesses is in not knowing how to prewrite. Another is my urge to rewrite sentences and paragraphs during my first draft. Above all, I’ve learned not to write a series in progress and post chapters while writing it. In the future I plan to complete any series before I post it. I don’t want to have to make my readers wait again. Special thanks once again to Monica, for all of her kind words, and friendly pushing for the next chapter.

This part is in response to a challenge set out at LC months ago. I thought it fitting to end this story with a challenge since it began with one. Two parts of this story are from the original script sides of a certain episode. The place Archer visits is real. The house is not. My memories of the place are clouded by time, so most of my description is fantasy. There’s also a nod to my other favorite command couple.

******


“We are gathered here to honor the men and women who gave their lives to ensure the safety of Earth …”

Archer reverently spoke the rest of his speech. The pit in his chest filled with numbness as he spoke of sacrifice, heroes, and a crew determined to protect the lives of their families and to save billions of other humans they’d never meet. He read off the list of names. He thought to himself of all the crewmen who died under his command… who never should have died.

Bagpipes played Amazing Grace as the somber ceremony concluded. At the conclusion of the song, Archer stepped down from the podium and moved down near the chairs of fellow crewmen and loved ones. Individual funerals would be held later. This morning’s ceremony was held for all of the Starfleet crewmen and MACOs who died in the Expanse.

The ceremony concluded and the group slowly filed out of Starfleet’s open amphitheatre. Some family members came up to Starfleet crewmembers and talked to them before leaving. A few came over to Archer to ask about their loved ones or to thank him for his speech.

T’Pol stood back away from the Enterprise crewmembers and the family and friends of the deceased. The Starfleet officers would greet her kindly. Earth bound humans would look at her with suspicion, curiosity, or hate. T’Pol tried her best to avoid an incident. She watched the crowd slowly thin out. No one saw Archer make his quiet exit or the haunted look on his face, except for T’Pol.

******

Her decision to find him had been seeded inside her in the Expanse. After they both returned from their captivity in the hands of the Reptillians, Archer became more distant and determined than ever before. He shouldered the responsibility of the mission. He would sacrifice anything to save Earth, and he almost did. As she stood in his ready room her hand holding one of his leather bound books to her, she didn’t realize the significance of the book in her hands. Years would pass before she would read it and realize the similarities between Ahab and Archer during that time. His quest was a noble one, unlike Ahab whose mission was one of selfish revenge. The single-minded focus is what made T’Pol think of Archer. The Xindi weapon became Archer’s white whale, consuming his waking hours and forcing him to make decisions and take actions against his moral compass. When he left for the Xindi weapon, this time she could do nothing to stop him. She watched the airlock doors shut behind him knowing he would stop at nothing to drive a spear through the heart of the metallic monster headed for Earth. Search parties found him in Golden Gate Park, beamed there by Daniels before the weapon exploded. He came back to her clothing charred and tattered, skin bloodied and bruised. Phlox healed his wounds, but below the surface laid other scars which only time could heal.

She told herself that he would be fine. That he could deal with the emotional aftermath of the Expanse on his own. But a feeling inside her saying she failed to help him before would not dissipate. If she had thought logically about her treatment of him in the beginning, she would have known that neuropressure would only suppress him emotions. The emotions would still be there waiting to emerge back to the surface. She failed him then, but she would not fail him now.

The shuttlepod touched down on the valley floor. T’Pol powered it down, and stepped out onto the soft carpet of green grass. She stood and looked around in awe of the beauty of this place. The gray peaks of the Rocky Mountains surrounded the valley and the town nestled inside it. White snowcaps, receded during the warm summer months, still covered the summits of the mountains in slivers of white. Pine trees dotted the landscape. Behind her a river weaved its way through the rocks. She could hear the soothing sound of the water cascading down small waterfalls. In front of her stood her destination. A house made from the timber of this area. A staircase on the side of the house led to the second story and a balcony that wrapped around the house. Large windows let light and views of the landscape into the home on both floors.

T’Pol walked towards the door of the house. She rang the doorbell several times, but received no answer. Commander Tucker told her this was the only place he knew Archer would go other than his apartment in San Francisco. The shuttlepod’s databanks had no name for the town, only a dot denoting it existence and it’s coordinates in the heart of what used to be southern Colorado. T’Pol began to doubt whether Archer would come to this secluded location until she heard Porthos’ bark through the wooden door.

She waited several minutes but still no one came to the door. Turning the doorknob, she found it open. She let herself inside to the delight of the excited beagle. The house had the feel of the outdoors. The interior was filled with antique wood furniture crafted from a dark wood. A couch and three chairs were upholstered in fabric shades that complimented wood tones and softened the harshness of the wood. Windows dominated the walls letting in panoramic views of the valley and the towering peaks.

“Captain Archer?” T’Pol asked as she stepped further into the house. Porthos whined at her feet begging for petting. T’Pol bent down and patted his head. Silence responded to her call. She walked into a hall to her left. Porthos followed closely behind her.

Five minutes later, T’Pol stepped out onto the second floor balcony. She had found a kitchen, two bathrooms, three bedrooms, and a master bedroom that took up most of the second story. A Starfleet issue duffle bag lay on a bench at the foot of the bed in the master bedroom, the only sign of Jonathan Archer except for his canine companion.

Laying her hands on the railing of the balcony, T’Pol looked out to the mountains bathed in the early afternoon sun. Perhaps Archer went into town for supplies she thought. Her eyes scanned the horizon until her eyes caught something red amongst all the greens, browns, and grays. On a steep foothill several kilometers away, a red and tan clad human moved up an incline towards the base of a mountain. T’Pol could not identify the person at this distance, but somehow she knew it was him.

She crossed back through the house and out to the other side of the balcony. She walked down the stairs and back to the shuttlepod. Inside a storage cabinet in the back of the pod she found a backpack. After stuffing a few items inside and donning a heavy jacket, she left the shuttlepod and started hiking at a vigorous pace towards the human.

The grass soon gave way to a blanket of pine needles as she passed through a grove of towering pine trees. The rough terrain did not slow her down. The mountain reminded her of a chain of dormant volcanoes near her home on Vulcan. As a child she used to explore them. She told her mother it was out of scientific curiosity. The raise of her mother’s right eyebrow said T’Pol’s reasoning didn’t convince her mother. The truth lay in her enjoyment and curious exploration of the outdoors.

The temperature was cooler here than on Enterprise. Thankfully she grabbed the jacket from the shuttlepod as her loose pants and thin long sleeve shirt would not have protected her. Her shoes, while not designed for climbing, kept solid purchase on the rocks.

She could see Archer in the distance hiking up one of the foothills of the mountain. His form slowly became larger as her fast pace gained on him. About a half hour later she reached the top of a hill and looked down to see Archer resting on a rock by a pool of water. His head was tilted back as he drank from his water bottle. He didn’t notice her until her shoes began scattering rocks on her way down the hill. He looked at her like he was imagining her until he realized somehow she was really there. He placed his water bottle back in his pack. Leaving his perch on the rock, he stood up. She approached him stopping only a few meters from him.

Archer took in her appearance. She looked good. She wore a pair of loose black pants and medium blue shirt under a black Starfleet jacket. Her hair caught in the breeze and fell at odd angles. It looked messy, yet beautiful.

T’Pol looked over him with concern. His eyes were bloodshot. Bags hung under them testifying to his sleepless nights. His face was contorted into a perpetual frown. His body was strung tight with tension, even out here in this peaceful setting. He wore a short-sleeved red shirt, which revealed the fading bruises on his arms. Phlox could have removed those, but Archer insisted he treat her wounds and the other patients in sickbay instead. T’Pol felt her reasons for coming out here justified when she saw his appearance.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. His brows had been furrowed since he saw her.

She looked at him like the answer was obvious. She told him honestly. “At the ceremony your mind appeared preoccupied. I tried contacting you. I have been unable to reach you until now. I thought you might need someone to talk to.”

Archer almost rolled his eyes. She was trying to “heal” him yet again. Except this time she didn’t have Phlox to pressure him into it. What was her problem? They weren’t on Enterprise, and yet she insisted on still trying to mother hen him. Her opinion must be low of him to think he couldn’t handle his own state of mind. Couldn’t she see that what he wanted was to be alone?

“I’m sorry you came all this way. I don’t need to talk about anything.”

T’Pol expected him to be stubborn and deny he needed anything from anyone. It was in his nature. “I came here to visit a friend. If you do not wish to talk, I will accept that.”

Archer sighed and looked down at the ground then back up at her. She wasn’t going to leave. He should have known. Once she put her mind to something she was unwavering in her determination to follow through. A trait he’d always admired in her, but now it was one he wished she didn’t have.

T’Pol tried another tactic. She gazed up at the mountain towering above them. “It is a small mountain. The cliff faces are steep and should prove challenging. Do you intend to climb it?”

“Yes. I intend to spend the night up there. I only have enough gear for one person.” He brought his own gear because there was no place to rent in town. He had no need to pack for two people.

“The shuttlepod was equipped with climbing gear.” Archer noticed her back pack it was packed full. There was even a bedroll strapped to the bottom. T’Pol waited for him to find another reason to prevent her from joining him. He didn’t disappoint her.

“Have you ever climbed before?” Archer hoped she wasn’t foolhardy enough to climb a mountain like this without experience.

“It has been 17 years since I last climbed. I assure you I am a competent climber.”

Undoubtedly she remembered how to climb just like it was yesterday, like every other skill that her Vulcan mind learned. Archer was trapped and he knew it. T’Pol wasn’t going to leave.

“I climb this mountain when I want to be alone.” He stressed the word alone.

Under ordinary circumstances, T’Pol would respect his wish to be alone. She could tell he really didn’t want to be alone.

“If we both are climbing the same mountain, it would be illogical for us to traverse it alone. I have never climbed this mountain, and could benefit from your knowledge. Traveling with another climber is also safer. I respect your desire for solitude. I will not bother you except when conversation is required.”

Archer frowned. He hoisted his backpack on his back. As he walked past her he said, “Try to keep up with me. I won’t stop for you if you lag behind.”

T’Pol buckled the strap on her backpack over her chest securing it. She followed him easily keeping up with his brisk pace, much to his annoyance.

*****

Hours passed in silence as the climbed up cliff faces. T’Pol climbed beside him, no more than a few meters separating them, yet somehow he ignored her presence. The hammering of anchors and securing of rope were the only sounds during most of their ascent.

Air blew down from the mountain sending a cool breeze down over their bodies. T’Pol tried to ignore the discomfort of the coolness of the air and focus on finding hand and footholds. Her hands were covered with thin gloves that allowed her a firm grip and provided protection from the sharp rock faces. Archer wore nothing to protect his hands. He didn’t mind the cuts in his skin. The pain took his mind off the pain inside. Each movement of the climb punished his still healing body. Pain was the only thing he felt besides the numb ache of anger, regret, and guilt.

*****

Archer surveyed the ledge they’d arrived on. Yes, this was the place he remembered. The sun was setting on the horizon painting the clouds and the sky in hues of violet and gold.

”We can set up camp here.” He said letting his pack slide from his back and tossing it down onto the ground. There were a few branches dropped from the scraggly trees holding on to the rocks with their determined roots. He gathered the wood into a small pile and used his flint to start a fire. T’Pol unpacked her bedroll and brought out a packet of field rations to eat.

She sat on the thin cushioning of her bedroll watching Archer. He starred at the flame of the fire for a long moment. She could not see the memory that brought his thoughts thousands of light-years away.

Enterprise was virtually destroyed. Fires still burned, uncontained by the emergency crews in some sections. Archer lay on a biobed recovering from his torture at the hands of the Reptilians when she was brought in. He saw her body carried past the translucent curtain surrounding his bed. Scraps of charred and melted fabric covered her limp form, peaking out from beneath it angry red flesh contorted by the heat of an explosion. The stench of burning flesh passed him as well; assaulting his nostrils and making bile rise in his stomach. He didn’t know the body was Ensign Kavesh. Her burns covered her face and torso disguising her identity in a hellish mask. Phlox rushed over to her and helped lower her onto a biobed. He rapidly relayed orders to his nurses. Between spells of unconsciousness Archer saw them feverishly rush to save her life. Then, he heard the alarm sound. Injections and cardiac stimulation failed. Time passed as people swarmed around her until they one by one walked away. A white sheet was lowered over her covering her body. She was another of his crew to die in a day full of deaths.

Archer looked away from the fire and up to the stars. How could such beautiful things hold so much suffering for those who ventured among them? He ignored T’Pol’s eyes on him and set about rolling out his bed and eating his packet of rations. Silence enveloped them. As Archer lay down to sleep he knew the silence was only a short reprieve. Sooner or later, T’Pol would break it.

****

He came back for them. Like he had promised. The eyes of the bridge crew were all on the viewscreen as the small speck became larger.

“The ship appears to be running on impulse drives. Life support is minimal.” T’Pol said as she after hunching over her scanner.

Malcolm ran a sensor sweep. “Limited armaments. There appears to be damage to the hull from repeated attacks.”

Archer sighed. Just as he’d feared. He stood up from his chair and walked over to T’Pol’s station. “Life signs?”

“Unknown. A radiation leak is masking bio signatures from sensors.” T’Pol replied.

“Ready a shuttlepod and a team. I’ll meet you in the launchbay in 10 minutes.” T’Pol looked at him ready to protest, but Archer shot her a glare meaning his mind was made up. He made this mess and he would try to fix it.

The ship’s corridors were lined with fallen beams, scorched panels, and other evidence of the misfortune the crew had faced over the past few months. Bodies lay where their lives had ended, their faces contorted in anguish. Holes melted through metal and flesh telling of the boarding parties this crew barely escaped.

Somehow Archer was alone inside the captain’s readyroom. The others must have gone elsewhere to search. He saw him then. His face shrunken from lack of nourishment, his eyes haunted by what he’d witnessed.

“Come to see what you did? How does it feel when you see their faces?”

He looked at the man and tried to see the proud man he’d met before inside the hollow shell sitting behind the desk.

“I’m sorry. I had no choice,” He knew what he had to say would never make up for what he did. “Your warp coil helped us save billions of lives. We came back as soon as we could.”

“So their deaths were necessary. Tell me captain, how many more lives did you sacrifice to save your planet? How many deaths are justified because of your cause?” His voice was full of anger and disgust.

“I don’t know.” He whispered. Too many deaths, so many senseless deaths. He couldn’t meet the other captain’s eyes.

“Have you come here to seek forgiveness?” he said the word forgiveness as if it were a vile thing.

“No. I came here to help.”

“You’re too late. I watched them die. First came the attacks. Then the remaining food and water left after the raiders were gone ran out. I watched each of my crewmen die slowly.”

You’re too late. The words echoed in his head.

He stumbled from the room trying to escape the man and his words. He ran. Everywhere he looked, there they were. Faces looking up at him with eyes glazed over. Their mouths open forming silent screams. The silence was deafening. They were all screaming at him. His labored breathing fogged the helmet of his EV suit. He kept running blindly until he felt himself falling. Something caught him as blackness enveloped him.


“Captain!” T’Pol yelled at him trying to wake him. Her hand was wrapped tightly around his wrist. It was the only thing keeping him from plummeting down to his death. “Give me your other hand.”

Archer looked up at her wondering how she got to him so fast and why she wasn’t wearing her EV suit. Looking down he saw the craggy surfaces of the mountain. Then he realized it had all been a dream. The same one haunted him most nights. The one where he would awaken from with his sheets soaked in sweat. The image of the silent screams stuck in his mind.

He briefly considered letting go of T’Pol’s hand. It would be easy to die on this mountain, easier than going on with these emotions inside. In the dim light from the stars overhead he saw the look on T’Pol’s face. He’d seen it once before when he’d left for Azati Prime. He couldn’t let her watch him die. His hand came up and wrapped around her wrist. She pulled him up inch by inch until he shimmied onto the ledge on his stomach. They both lay their catching their breaths. She helped him up then moved them back to his bedroll.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“No.” he said emphatically. Avoiding her gaze, he looked out at his friend and foe. Stretching up from the horizon were thousands of stars forming one of the spiral arms of the Milky Way. Up here, far from the lights pollution of any city, the arm looked like a cloud made up of glittering lights. It was breathtaking. He knew each star Enterprise had visited by heart. The successful missions he remembered, but the failures stood out in his mind as painful reminders of the mistakes of an eager, inexperienced race stumbling through space.

“Walking off a cliff will not change anything that happened.”

He turned his head. Compassion showed in her eyes. He didn’t know how she knew.

His eyes turned back to the stars. “If something could bring them back, the people who died because of my orders, I would do it without hesitation.”

Trying to break through to him, T’Pol kept her voice calm. “Punishing yourself will not bring them back. You did the best you could to captain the ship through the Expanse. You had to make difficult decisions to complete the mission.”

His head turned and his eyes locked with hers. “Did I really do what was best? Was it best to interrogate a man in an airlock, to clone a being for the sole purpose of harvesting body parts, or to strand an entire crew and steal their warp coil?”

“You did what you had to do to save Earth.”

His voice fell to a harsh whisper. “At what price? What price is too high?”

She didn’t know how to answer him. Only the occasional pop of wood in the waning fire broke the silence between them.

“I can’t do it anymore. I can’t send good people off to die. After my leave is up, I’m sending in my resignation.”

T’Pol was stunned by his admission. “You are behaving irrationally. Starfleet Command would replace you with an inexperienced commander. Someone who would make some of the same mistakes you did. Resigning your commission is not a solution. It will not rid you of your memories or emotions.”

“I know it won’t make them go away. You know how many eulogies I’ve had to write. I won’t ever have to send another one. I won’t have to see anyone else go home in a body bag.” His eyes showed her his pain. “I can’t do it again T’Pol.”

“You are willing to leave you dream behind because of this? Are you willing to let someone else live it? They will see the stars you haven’t seen. Meet the civilizations you should have met. They will fulfill the dream your father had for his warp engine.”

“I don’t know if that’s my dream anymore.” He admitted.

“You were willing to save Earth. Yet you abandon it’s future. Daniels showed you the future and the part you play in it.”

He knew she had a point. He didn’t want to accept it. “I’m only one person. Earth will be fine without me.”

She knew she needed to push him more. “You think you are being noble, stepping down for the well-being of others. In reality you are hiding from your actions, and afraid to face your emotions.”

She spoke the truth. The stars twinkled on the fabric of the night sky as her words sank in. “Maybe I am. I can’t be a captain to the crew like this. I don’t know how long this will take to sort through this. Enterprise may need to leave without me.”

She placed a hand on his shoulder. A gesture he’d used to comfort her many times. “I’m willing to stay and help you.”

“I don’t want you to stay here and have to deal with my problems.” His eyes urged her to leave. He didn’t want to hurt the woman he cared for.

“You stood by me when I needed your support. You were a friend despite my deception. You need me now.” Archer didn’t protest anymore.

That night, for the first time in months, he didn’t dream.

*****

They broke camp in the morning. T’Pol’s rose an eyebrow as he said they would be headed down the mountain. The climb down was filled with the occasional conversation. He told her his father took him up here to visit his uncle and they climbed the mountain together several times when he was growing up. Awkward silences still filled the majority of the time. T’Pol was encouraged by what little he did say. He was slowly opening up to her.

They shared the house in the valley for the remaining six weeks of their leave. T’Pol did not push him further. She listened to what he said and did not judge him. She knew he might shut her out if he felt her pushing him or trying to solve his problems for him. Slowly she began to see the man he used to be crack through the wall he’d built around himself. One day he laughed when Porthos played keep away with his socks. The sound of it warmed her. It had been almost a year since she’d heard him laugh.

Through all of this they began to grow close again. They walked around the valley exploring, sometimes in silence other times they would talk. Their conversations began to drift away from his problems to other things: his memories of this place, things they had in common, thing they didn’t, and to her and her life.

One day they went walking near the river. T’Pol slipped on the moss of a rock along the shoreline. His hands shot out to grab her arms. She recovered quickly and looked up to him to say thank you. His face was close to hers. His eyes were drawn to her lips. For a few seconds they shared breaths. Then his lips were on her teasing and caressing her. Her lips parted for him. He drank in her scent as he drowned in the taste of her. His hand snaked up to hold her head to him. Her fingers twined in his hair and she pressed her body closer to him. The kiss turned primal and urgent. He devoured her mouth like a starving man who sucked and nibbled on her lips to appease the aching hunger inside. His fingers ran through her hair holding her away from him as his lips prepared to move down her throat.

His mind snapped to attention. What was he doing? He broke away from her. “I’m sorry.” He muttered. He walked back to the house not looking back. T’Pol watched his retreating form. The look of guilt and sadness in his eyes remained in her mind. She followed him back into the house determined to not let this matter rest.

He was sitting on the edge of his bed looking out at the mountains when she found him. She could tell he didn’t really see the scenery. He gazed past it trying to make sense of his thoughts.

She walked in front of him blocking his view. He blinked. She caught the look in his eyes. It was the same one he gave her by the river.

“We need to talk.” She said.

“Yes we do. T’Pol, what happened… was an accident. I didn’t realize what was happening. I don’t want to treat you like that.”

“Treat me like what?” T’Pol sat down next to him on the bed. She didn’t know if her nearness would make him feel comfortable or uncomfortable.

“When I kissed you, the pain went away. I don’t want to use you as a quick fix for my problems. A kiss should be about desire and love, not that.”

“I understand.” She understood more than he knew. He used her to feel again. Just like she had used him months ago to feel love and pleasure.

He sat silently not knowing what to say.

“When you kissed me, did you feel desire and love for me?”

He looked into her eyes. He couldn’t deny his answer. “Yes, I did.”

“Then there is no need to apologize. Deep emotions and good intentions are often part of mistakes involving those we care for.” He knew she was talking about their first kiss as well.

He saw in her eyes her feelings. “I need time to heal. I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“We have plenty of time.” T’Pol placed her hand on his knee. Then she left him alone to think.

The feel of his lips still lingered on hers. When his lips touched hers, she felt the feelings, which had slowly grown inside her, emerge to the surface. She was now fully aware of what he meant to her. It was more than chemical attraction, more than respect and trust, more than friendship. Her love for him was not an emotion. It was a state of being that she could not repress or extinguish. She could wait for him, but she could not go back to their previous relationship.

*****

Archer walked up the hillside he knew so well. T’Pol followed behind him. She stopped short wanting to give him some privacy. He took her hand in his and urged her to come with him. He needed her here for this. She stood by him as he knelt down. He dropped the cloth pouch in his hand down on the ground. He dusted leaves off of the gravestone revealing the inscription: Henry Archer 2077 – 2124.

He remained on his knees as he spoke. “I’m sorry it’s been so long, Dad.” He took a breath. T’Pol placed her hand on his shoulder lending her support. He looked up to her then continued. “I wish you were here write now. There’s so many things I need to tell you. So many things I need to figure out.” Tears formed in his eyes, but were left unshed.

Archer reached down into the pouch by his feet. He withdrew a rock that filled the palm of his hand from the pouch. “I brought you some souvenirs.”

As he spoke he placed the rock along the border of the gravestone. “This one’s from the Akaali homeworld. It’s the first pre-warp civilization we found.”

His hand dipped back into the pouch withdrawing another rock. He placed it along side the other rock.

“I found this one on Rigel Ten. The entire planet’s a frozen wasteland…”

He continued to place the rocks down on his father’s gravestone and tell his spirit the story of each one until the bag was empty.

He stood up and looked down at the gravestone, now surrounded by the rocks collected from his journeys.

“There’s someone I wish you could meet Dad.” He reached for T’Pol’s hand and drew it into his. “I care a lot about her. I think you’d like her.”

“Goodbye Dad. I’ll try not to stay away so long.”

Archer laced his fingers with T’Pol’s and walked down the hillside with her to their waiting shuttlepod. Their time on Earth was up. Today they returned to Enterprise. T’Pol had given him time, and she wasn’t disappointed. He was slowly coming back to his life and beginning to come into hers.


Thanks for reading! Have a Happy New Year!

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