STICK WITH ME
                                                               BY RAYMONDO MORGANO



                                                          CHARACTERS
                        

                             DAVE: 24yrs old, good looking, likes being in control, single,
                                          Has well-paid job,

                             PAUL: 24yrs old, married to Debs , one child, unemployed,
                                         Hen pecked, gullible
                                       

                             DEBS: 34yrs old, married to Paul, one child, very obese, a bad nagger






                                                                    OPENING SCENE

                               (DAVE KNOCKING ON PAUL'S DOOR,SHOUTS THROUGH THE                                                                                                                                                                LETTER BOX,DRUGS SQUAD OPEN UP,COME ON NOW)                                                                                                                                                     

PAUL: (SHOUTS FROM BEHIND THE CLOSED DOOR):Shh, you'll wake the baby up dicked

DAVE: Who are you calling a dickhead....knobhead.

                               (PAUL OPENS THE DOOR AND DAVE WALKS IN WITH FAG IN HIS
                                 MOUTH AND A SMIRK ON HIS FACE)
DAVE: Arn't you ready yet?

PAUL: Erm,no I'll just go and get ready....ask Debs if I can go out....say your paying

                                (DAVE WALKS INTO LIVINGROOM AND SITS DOWN
                                 DEBS ENGROSSED IN TV EATING FAMILY PACKET OF CRISPS
                                 WITH FOUR MORE PACKETS AROUND HER)
DAVE: (COUGHS)

DEBS: What do you want?

DAVE: A crisp will do

DEBS: You can fuck off, this is me tea.

DAVE: Is it all right if Paul comes for a pint with me?

DEBS: Why?

DAVE : Cause we haven't been out for ages

DEBS: Where are you going?

DAVE: We're only going to the local pub

DEBS: Who are you going with?

DAVE: Just me and Paul

DEBS: What time will you be back?

DAVE: I don't know we're only having one or two

DEBS: You better not to go to any club!

DAVE: Fuckin hell ,what's with all the questions, I'm only taking him for a pint

PAUL: SHOUTS DOWNSTAIRS):  Debs, is there any clean socks?

DEBS: You've got them on!

PAUL: I've had these on for two days

DEBS: Turn them inside out, spray deodorant on them and put them back on.

DAVE: That's disgusting that.

DEBS: He always turns his dirty white socks inside out when he's got no clean ones.

DAVE: No...I mean that smell (POINTS TO BABY'S POTTY)

                               (DEBS GOES OVER TO POTTY,PICKS IT UP AND EXAMINS IT)

DEBS: Ar Paul quick look the baby's had a poo on her potty

                               (PAUL NEARLY BREAKS HIS NECK JUMPING DOWN THE STAIRS
                                AND WAKES THE BABY UP)
PAUL: Let's see, let's see

DEBS: (SHOVES POTTY INTO PAULS HANDS)You've woken the baby up now yer bastard

           I'm gonna be up with her all night now, and eh (TURNS TO PAUL)

           I hope your not going to any club tonight.

PAUL: Erm no love look I've got me jeans on...(PULLING AT HIS JEANS) look...

                              (DEBS SNARLS AT PAUL AND GOES UP THE STAIRS (SFX)
PAUL: (LOOKS DOWN INTO POTTY) That's her first poo in the potty.......it's a bit big in it?

DAVE: Yes it runs in your family your all full of shit

PAUL: Er it's a good one that Dave mate, all full of shit, it's good that

                              (PAUL LAYS CUSHION FLAT ON COUCH AND PLACES POTTY
                               ON IT,WHILE DAVE STANDS BEMUSED)
                              (PAUL WALKS OVER TO CUPBOARD AND STARTS ROOTING)

DAVE: What are you looking for Paul

PAUL: (TURNS ROUND WITH CAMERA IN HIS HAND)Der der(high pitched)

DAVE: Your joking,  Ar fuck off Paul you dirty bastard

PAUL: It's me babies first poo poo on her potty, she'll be made up with this when she's older(CLICK)

                              (PAUL PASSES THE CAMERA TO DAVE)

DAVE: What do I want with this?

            (PAUL PICKS UP POTTY AND SMILES AT DAVE POSING FOR THE CAMERA)

PAUL: Can you fit us both in?

DAVE: Whats the matter with yer,this aint natural lar (CLICK)

PAUL: Ee ar Dave get hold of it and I'll take one of you mean you are the God Father

DAVE: Yer to the baby not it's shit

PAUL: Ok if that's the way you want it but she won't be happy when she's older and......

PAUL: That's her first poo in the potty

DAVE: Congratulations, I'm made up for yers, listen, can we get out of here, I can't stand
           The excitement of all this crap.  
                
PAUL: Ok, let's go disco, let's go disco,

DAVE: Sshh

                              (PAUL PUTS HIS HAND TO HIS MOUTH AND HUNCHES)
                              (UP WHILE DEBS WALKS THEM TO THE DOOR )
                             
DEBS: What time will you be home?

PAUL: I won't be late love(PECKING HER ON THE CHEEK)

DEBS: Tara love ,see ya Dave, and ay don't get him pissed, cause I can't stand his bloody snoring

DAVE: Ok Debs, don't worry know what you mean, I'll make sure you get your nuts
           Tonight (IN A SMUG VOICE)

DEBS: I'd rather do a crossword (SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND THEM)
DAVE: Where's your pants?

PAUL: They're under my fuckin jeans

DAVE: Well take them off.....come on

PAUL: Alright, alright(PAUL STRUGGLES GETTING HIS JEANS OFF,)
        (CAUSE THEY WON'T GO OVER HIS SHOES, HE FALLS)
         (BACKWARDS ONTO THE BINS, CRASH.THE LIGHTS GO ON)                           
         (DEBS COMES OUT, LOOKS AROUND, SEES NOTHING)                           
         (AND GOES BACK IN)              
           
PAUL: That was close, did you see the face on her, it was like a chewed toffee...just think I've got to go home to that!!

DAVE: Shh, just take your shoes off will yea

PAUL: (STILL LYING ACROSS THE BINS IN AN AWKWARD POSITION)Ok, o.k,
           Help us up will yea
          (DAVE HELPS PAUL UPAND POINTS TO HIS HAND)

DAVE: What the fuck is that?

PAUL: What?

DAVE: That. thing on your hand

PAUL: Oh shit, it's a shitty nappy,

DAVE : Eee, shake it off you dirty get
                                  (PAUL SHAKES THE NAPPY OFF AND ROOTS)
                                   (THROUGH BIN FOR SOMETHING TO WIPE HIS)
                                   (HAND ON, FINDS AN OLD NEWSPAPER AND CLEANS IT OFF)

DAVE: Take your shoes off will you                                                                                                   
                         (PAUL UNDOES HIS LACES AND OFF THEY COME)
                         (FOLLOWED BY A BAD SMELL)

DAVE: Your a smelly bastard (SHAKES HIS HEAD)
  (PAUL EVENTUALLY GETS HIS JEANS OFF, REVEALING A BLACK PAIR
                           OF VERY CREASED TROUSERS)

DAVE : Come on let's get out of here,
the club closes it's doors at 10o'Clock,we've onlyGot 15 minutes

PAUL: What bus are we getting?

DAVE: Bus.? Where not getting a bus we're getting a taxi

PAUL: Taxi...and who's gonna pay for that..? cause if you think....
          (DAVE INTERUPTS)

DAVE: Shutup will yea  I'll pay for it, ok...!
                       (THEY WALK TOWARDS THE MAIN ROAD, TO GRAB)
                       (A CAB)
                       (ON THE WAY PAUL TRIPS UP ON HIS UNDONE)
                       (SHOELACE)
                       (AND SPLITS HIS PANTS ON THE SEEM OF HIS BUM)

PAUL: Shit what am I gonna do now,look at my pants(PARTING HIS SEEM)

DAVE: Tuts,look paul worry about them later,here's a taxi
                     (THE TAXI PULLS UP AND THEY GET IN)

DAVE: The Grafton please mate.

PAUL: Are a, what about my kecks, look you can see my arse.

DAVE: You've got underpants on haven't you

PAUL: Yer, WHITE ones,(WITH A FROWNING LOOK)

DAVE: Look I'll sort them out, we'll buy some selotape before we go into the club

PAUL: Selotape..? What do you mean, selotape?

DAVE: Look just wait and see,o.k!
                    (TAXI PULLS UP OUTSIDE THE CLUB, OPPOSITE IS A)
                    (CORNER SHOP)
                                
DAVE: Tar mate, keep the change
                    (THE TAXI DRIVER LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER TO SEE)
                    (PAULS ARSE STARING BACK AT HIM, SHAKES HIS HEAD)
                    (AND DRIVES OFF)

DAVE: Lets go the shop Paul.
                   (THEY DODGE A FEW CARS CROSSING THE ROAD)
                    (PAULHOLDING HIS PANTS WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND)
                    (HOLDING HIS TIE DOWN WITH HIS RIGHT HAND,)
                    (THEY WALK INTO THE SHOP, THERE'S AN OLD MAN)
                    (STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER)

MAN : Yes please ,can I help you, thankyou very much
                    (DAVE AND PAUL LOOK AT EACH OTHER TRYING NOT TO)
                    (LAUGH)

DAVE:Yes thankyou very much, can I have some, erm... thick selotape and some
           superglue, please

PAUL: ...Superglue..?

DAVE: And 20 Regal king-size, thank you very much

PAUL: Yer, ta mate

MAN : That will be 4.74 please
                   (DAVE HANDS HIM A 5 POUND NOTE)

DAVE: Thank you very much

PAUL: What are you gonna do with the superglue..sniff it..?

DAVE: It's not to sniff, it's for your kecks, knobhead!\

PAUL: What.me kecks?(LOOKING WORRIED)
                   (THEY GET THEIR CHANGE AND LEAVE THE SHOP)
                   (SAYING THANKYOU VERY MUCH, THEY CROSS OVER AND)
                   (JOIN THE QUEUE OUTSIDE THE NIGHT CLUB, THERE)
                   (WERE THREE GIRLS IN FRONT OF THEM)

DAVE: ALRIGHT GIRLS,

GIRL 1: Hi (AND SMILES)

PAUL: Do you come here often?
GIRL 2: Piss off tit

DAVE: (LAUGHS) that's telling you Paul

DAVE: What's it like in here girls, is it any good?

GIRL 2 : Depends what your after

DAVE: A good time,know what I mean?

GIRL 1: Well don't look at us,We're all lesbians!(ALL LAUGHTER BREAKS OUT)

PAUL: Eee, Lesbiens, I've never met any lesbians before, is there any chance of us
           Watching you all at it?

GIRL 3: You dirty bastard, don't stand by me you perve!(PUSHING PAUL AWAY)

DAVE: Chill out Paul, there's plenty more girls inside.
                   (JUST THEN THE DOORS OPEN AND THREE BIG MEAT-
                    HEADED BOUNCERS COME OUT)

1st B: Come on girls and boys get your arses in!

PAUL: (SHOUTS) Don't forget the lesbians mate
                    (THIRD GIRL KICKS HIM IN THE SHINS,THEY WALK)
                    (INTO THE CLUB, WHICH WAS JAM PACKED)

DAVE: Where's the bogs mate?

2nd B: Far right corner, across the dance floor

PAUL: Ta mate
                    (AS THEY STEPPED ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR, THE)
                    (ULTRAVIOLET LIGHT HITS PAULS PANTS LIGHTING)
                    (HIS WHITE Y-FRONTS UP THROUGH THE SPLIT IN HIS)
                    (PANTS, ALL HEADS TURN TO LOOK AT PAUL WHO IS)
                    (STRUTING HIS STUFF, THEY ENTER THE BOGS)
if you would like the full script please e-mail me


[Create