Go
through your food and play “How many things can we find that look like hairy
bugs.”
Point
to every item on the menu at a restaurant and ask the waitress what it is. When finished, ask her if they have an English
menu.
Ask to
try every flavor at the Haagen-Dazs.
If they look reluctant, point to the sign that says, “We welcome you try
every flavor.”
Make a
collection of all 1NT pennies.
Take it with you the next time you bargain for something in a store. Ask if they take credit cards. When they say no, pay with all pennies.
Walk
back and forth past the ChungHsiao Ta-An corner where the students bug
pedestrians to fill out their surveys.
Accept each one and write random English answers for all the questions,
like, “I can’t read Chinese so stop telling me to fill out your f*$#ing
survey!!” Do this enough times
until they all recognize you.
Make up
new shit every time you are asked, “Where are you from?” Insist you are from Taiwan but lived in
a hole with no human contact most your life. Or that you come from the remote island (X), then go
into great detail describing island (X), especially the
cannibalism. Or that you are an
actor playing a HuaCiao so you need to practice talking with this funny accent.
If you
are white: pretend you don’t know
any English. Every time someone
smiles and says “Hallo, how ah you?” shake your head and say, “Ting bu dong,
shemme shi ‘Hallo’?”
Go to
the night market and ask straight-faced if the LV bags are real.
Teach
ebonics to your English students.
Yell,
“[Taiwan independence!!]” at a KMT rally.
Order a
cup of ZhenZhou (only pearls, no milk tea) and use the straw to shoot them at
passersby.
Order a
big bowl of plain shaved ice (no fruit or syrup) and make snow sculptures at
your table.
Stand
on top of a building for awhile pretending you’ll jump off, then watch yourself
on that night’s news.
gw 3/03