LONDON

People (friendliness)  3         Stuff to do  8       Best thing to their name:  The way they speak!
Stuff to see   9          Food  3         Shopping 8        

Big Ben, the Houses of Parliament, and London traffic.   5/12/00

May 10  -  Leaving Newark airport

        In Newark airport.  Everything so far smooth sailing, despite running frantic at work the last minute when L. called an hour before I was to leave and asked questions on stuff we'd gone over weeks ago...gritting teeth...set up Out of Office AutoReply and flew out, everyone wishing me a good time, I had no idea how some of them found out.  So much for being quiet and low key--impossible around there.
        As I'm swerving around the usual idiots on Rte 1 Sam called.  "I heard all flights out of Newark are delayed four hours."   What?  Which ones??  "I dunno, you better call them when you get here."  Hello, I'm on the road, you're already sitting at home, do ya think maybe you could offer to call and save me some time?  He sounds annoyed.  I run in, Sam's on phone as I grab last minute stuff--exchange shorts for another long pants--if they're right and it gets colder there than here at night, I'll need the pants.  He's off and panicked:  "You have to be there two hours before departure time or they can turn you away!"  "Oh, they always say that," I yawn with a wave.   So cute how he believes these people.
        He drops me off and we kiss goodbye, a chubby woman lighting her cig sees us--"Hope you don't think you're flying out of here today, all domestic and international flights are cancelled."  I actually laughed (nervously though), "We just called them a few minutes ago."  I went in, Delta and Continental are a mess--huge lines and crowds and everyone on their cellphones.  Found Virgin at the end, a virtual wasteland, no lines and the counter staff looking bored.  "Can I help you?"  Show tix, passport, hand over suitcase, yes I packed it myself, yes it's been with me the whole time, gate 53 it is.   "I'll hold your cellphone ma'am" and it's through the x-rayer, no beeps.  
        At 53 I go up to the counter and a very familiar-looking guy is smirking at me, like Don't you remember I just helped you at the Virgin counter?  How did he get here?  He must've zoomed by me in one of those go karts without me noticing.  "Just wait for the announcement to board."   So I'm settled in a seat watching CNN.
        On CNN they're talking about the psychology of the lottery (in the wake of the just-won $366mil Big Game jackpot) and why it's bad.   "Winners have even more marital problems...You weren't sure what career you wanted before?  Now, your choices are limitless..."  Sob sob it's so true, I'm lucky I didn't win.  Everyone in EWR is watching, engrossed as if all trying to make themselves feel better for losing.
        Hmm odd, I have four indicator bars of a clear signal on my phone, but can't call Avani.  These planes must be throwing things off.   That reminds me, isn't it great to have the assurance of owning a cellphone that almost definitely won't have a signal or service when and where you need it most.   Car went off a cliff and you're in a ditch 50' below ground?  Lost in the Nevada desert?  Your phone might be more useful if you could squeeze some drinking water out of it.  I really liked the part in The Thomas Crowne Affair when Pierce Brosnan takes Renee Russo on a romantic ride in a glider, they land in the middle of nowhere and Russo asks giddily "Now how will we get home?"  and Brosnan just gives her his Piercing look and whips out his StarTac.  Then they cut to the next scene.  I wonder what he really said there-- "Check it out baby--zero indicator bars.  You're stuck here with me for awhile, so let's make some whoopee in the barren overgrowth before we trek around to find a pay phone."
        Anyway they announce the back seats can start boarding.  I go pee.  I've learned not to bother rushing to get on the plane to sit in a cramped spot for an hour with bad circulation when I can sit with my legs freely sprawled out in front of me in the airport until the last minute.  Finally I get on line--right line is being checked by "my" guy from the counter, so I go to the left line just to get a little variety of service.  Maybe that's their thing--really personalized, consistent service.  I won't be surprised to see him standing there when I get off the plane in Gatwick.

        Wow now I know why my ticket cost so freaking much.  Virgin is great!  Besides the fact they're the only ones who felt like flying out of EWR today, we each have our own small TV screen in front of us--no need to crane neck and squint.  They just gave out "amenity kits"--waterproof drawstring bags with eye mask, earplugs, socks! lip balm in a tiny pot, a cologne scented wipe, postcards, notepad, pen, toothbrush and "polish"--hell I wouldn't have packed half this stuff had I known.  They just showed their safety video--a cartoon of smiling people inflating vests, wearing gas masks and lining up happily to jump off the plane.  It's all so cute and the British accents just add to the charm.  I've only been on the cheapo US domestic flights, still I don't think they make cartoons even for business class.
        Captain just announced we're delayed because the 747 parked in front of us isn't moving and its captain isn't listening to his radio/CB.  Don't they have horns on these things?  You'd think something this huge would have a kickass loud horn that can blow fish out of the water.
        Looking at the truck outside parked next to the 747's huge jet engine--it could drive inside it.  I wonder how many birds get sucked into plane jet engines daily?  Like do they have daily or weekly cleanings to scrape out bird skeletons and feathers?  Are animal rights activists against flying?   I'm bored when are we taking off.

May 11  4:45 AM EST  -  Arriving in Gatwick

        Yawn stretch--good sleep.  I think steward had trouble waking me up.  When I finally did--very disoriented--he asked me, smiling a bit and my seat-mate watching with a smile also--to open the window shades.   Sure.  Then put my seat up.  Eh?  Ok.  Then buckle up.   Oh.  You're asking a lot of coordination from me, for waking me up at 4AM.
        Last night on runway for FOUR HOURS...it was horrible.  And I thought I was lucky not to be flying Delta or Continental--at least their disgruntled passengers were waiting in either the spacious airport or home.  So much for my plan of boarding later to reduce leg cramp/bad ventilation time--ha!  I called Sam at 8 to tell him if he saw Daphne online, to warn her I'd be about 2 hours late, called him again at 9:30 to say I didn't know when, just have her call Virgin in the morning...then called again just as we were taking off (10:20).  Literally the engines are roaring with acceleration and we're lifting and all cellphones are supposed to be off, I can just see my signal interfering with cockpit communications and crashing us all--and he asks "So what time should I tell her you'll be there?"   Hello, can't you just add whatever number of hours I'm late to the original landing time I told you?  I don't see how he picks up the remotest clues and hints in adventure video games and pieces them together instantaneously, while he can't put 2 and 2 together for me in real life situations like this.
        Anyway, thank God 100x over I had my Harry Potter book which I almost didn't bring because it's so big--got halfway through it--was trying to read slowly so I'd have enough book to last.
        So if this is any indication of how UK food will be I can see what everyone's warned me against.  Bleah!  The menu descriptions sounded delish--of course I was ravenous and thinking of food the whole 4 hours (asked Sam if he ate dinner and he said casually "No...I guess I'll eat something..."  Wanted to smack him for being within arm's reach of a stocked kitchen and shrugging it off, while the guy next to me began slowly resembling a big turkey drumstick).  If anyone around me had had cookies or anything, I seriously would have offered money.
        My bra was so constricting after awhile I unsnapped it through my shirt, ahh...hurrah for front-clasps.
        Flipped around the movie stations.  Some Woody Harrelson flick...another Woody, in a Western...Woody as a gangster...Woody doing Elizabeth Shue?  4 Woody's?  This was quite freaky.  And a Frasier and a really old Simpsons.  Ah, the movie menu says to-UK flights get a "Woody Harrelson festival" and from-UK flights get a Robin Williams festival--joy something to look forward to on my return :P
        I tried to watch Ed TV as long as I could but with bad sound and a tiny lo-res screen, even Matt McConaughey's face can only sustain you for so long (the scene of him brushing his teeth shirtless helped some).

Thursday May 11  -  Shopping and the little sights

1.  Oxford St. where all the "good but not too pricey" shopping is - Lunch at Shakespeare's Inn pub for fish 'n' chips, FCUK, Benetton, Karen Millen, H&M, and Topshop (not "Hotspot", which is what I started writing before Daphne cracked up and corrected me).

2.  Pickadilly Circus, London's version of NY Times Square - McD's for drinks and pee, where some young foreign girl (French I think) asked me where I was from, I answered "US" and she looked incredulous, "Americaine?" and then asked if I knew Japanese or was from Hong Kong, as if I was lying to her.
    Saw some guy holding a sign "452 Lovemaking Positions," not sure what he was selling but no seemed to want to ask despite all his winking and waving us over.  He was one of the only other Asians around too--joy :P

3.  Trafalgar Square - a fountain with statues, monuments and people feeding pigeons.  I handed Daphne the camera to take a pic of me among the pigeons, and three times just as I approached, some kid on the other side swooped and they came at me flying...I finally got the picture without getting splattered.  Then we went up to the raised area that overlooked the fountain, which would've made a great picture except the guy we handed the camera to seemed to be pointing it way over our heads and apparently, now that I've gotten the pics developed, never even pushed the button.  Oh well...

4.  Walked down the mall (long street w/old buildings, I think gov't., which is closed Sundays so people can walk through the middle) to St. James' Park where there were lots of ducks, neat purple flowers, a nice rose garden.

5.  Green Park, literally just that--entirely green, just grass and green plants.   No colored flowers or water or ducks.  The paved path is black so you don't get lost.

6.  Took subway ("tube") home to Daphne's dorm in Farringdon, had Indian curry take-out ("take-away") for dinner...since Daphne says the Indian food is pretty good here, and there are tons of Indian places around here, since there are so many Indians, since they were a British colony.

Friday 5/12 - A lotta walking

        Got off the tube at Tower Hill.
        First went to the Tower of London.  11 pound fee to  take the tour, which D. said was a bit steep, and part of it was under construction too, so we just walked around the outside--it was huge, turrets all over.   Then walked to Tower Bridge and took the tour (that one only 6pounds) which was pretty neat--you go up one tower, take the tour, walk across the covered footbridge and come back down the tower on the opposite side.  We paid admission and they ushered us to an elevator (Daphne said "Oh good, a lift..we don't have to walk stairs all the way up") but only took us up one floor--where we saw an animated character start telling the story of the history of Tower Bridge--then had to walk up the stairs ("Doh!  They only took us up one flight--they deceived us!") but there was always a room with more talking characters between flights ("At least they give us a rest").  At first it was only we two and an old couple.  I thought, "They must not be very busy here."  But we lingered in the walkway too long taking pics and when we got to the next room, it was full of high school students from France and the room guide started rattling off in French (D. and I looked at each other:   "Doh.")  But then he translated to English for us.  I noticed the kids were wearing Adidas, Nike, Jansport, etc...I dunno, maybe I thought kids from France would be more gussied up (Jean Paul Gaultier bookbags and sneaks?).  Then we saw the engine room which they said the bridge originally was operated from, but it all looked fake--too painted and clean--and the tools hanging from the wall were glued there.   I tried to pull off a wrench and D. said "You're scaring me."  There were exhibits of models and explanations of how it worked--with buttons for listening to it in all different languages.  We pushed English, then Chinese and a Chinese woman's voice interrupted the English guy's immediately.  We had fun pushing all the different buttons--still don't know what they actually said.
        Then we were starving.  Walked to a mall at the ground floor of a big office building and had sandwiches.  I needed another roll of film.  D. had warned me it was expensive, but I thought she meant the touristy places, and I spotted a convenience store which she said should be OK.  I went to the counter and starting pulling out 1-pound coins, and he said 4.99--I almost fell over--handed him my last note.  I ranted to D.--that'd be a ripoff if it were US dollars!
        Long walk along the Thames to the Millenium Eye, both glad we wore sneaks--we walked sooo much.  On the way I stopped at a tube station to look for a bathroom ("toilet") and the guard pointed me to the left--we still didn't see it--walked behind a building where an open door was covered with signs:  "Who keeps opening this door?  Read the signs--it's important" "Do not leave this door open at any time"  "It must be kept shut" etc. etc., just standing there open plain as day.  I had to take a pic.  Just as I was focusing a guy popped out of the doorway and gave me an odd look, I ran away completely embarrassed, while D. covered up for me and asked him where the toilet was.  
        At the Millenium Eye there was a long line, it was up and running.  Stopped to rest with ice cream from the truck--yummy!  Soft ice cream on a cone with a stick of flaky Cadbury chocolate stuck in it, it's called a Flake and all the ice cream trucks have it.
        Next Big Ben, tried to take pics but sooo many people were passing by, at the Houses of Parliament there was another long line, and at Parliament Square I took a pic of an artist drawing it (tried to do it discreetly but D. marched up and asked him "Mind if my friend takes a picture of you?" --cringing again I did it fast as I could:  "Don't pose, just keep drawing."  "Uh, ok," rolling his eyes).  On the way we passed Downing Street and Whitehall where I took a pic w/a guard, a freckly looking kid who looked like he could be a waiter at Friendly's.

        Finally, St. Paul's Cathedral, which was closed 'til 4:15 and we arrived at 4:05, so we stood around analyzing the passersby to pick out a friendly-looking person who wasn't in a rush, to take our picture.  Finally after alot of analyzing I picked a woman ambling along casually toward us so I said, "Excuse me, could you--" but she put her hand up "Sorry" and walked straight to a cab, asked him a question, then walked the other way.  D. said "Did she think we wanted to take her picture?" and imitated her:   "La di da... Oh, no thanks."  Finally found a friendly woman who took our pic in front of the fountain.  At 4:15 we went in, it was hushed and there were grids in the floor for dropping coins into, all except for one which looked down into the coffee shop below (D. wondered if people ever drop coins down there without paying attention), and we could only walk down the main hall to look at statues and inscriptions, and sit in the rear chairs--ahead we saw the main chapel and high domed painted ceilings and ornate gilded designs--was really beautiful, but no photos allowed of course.  I wanted to go to the Whispering Gallery but to see the rest was a fee and it didn't seem like there was much else, so we left, stopped at a mini mart on the way home for chips ("crisps") and a drink.  Yummy chips--cheese and onion, there's an idea.
        D. is sleeping now and I'm watching Simpsons.   Luckily the programming today is better than yesterday.  We were making fun of it--there was a show called "Office Rage" where they had ominous music and showed people sitting around an office arguing mildly over stuff, the announcer says "What happens when the stress in an office pushes someone to their limits?"   It cracked us up.  They showed hidden camera footage of people having affairs after hours, a woman photocopying her boobs and butt, a couple having sex on the boss's desk--and somehow relating all that to "rage".

        English terms I've learned:
                toilet = bathroom ("I'll wait while you go into the toilet")
                Give way = Yield
                Way out = Exit
                Mind the gap = Watch out for the space between the train and the walkway
                Mind your head = Watch your head
                foot path = sidewalk
                To let = To rent (D says sometimes pranksters scratch out the "I" in TOILET on the signs of those
                sidewalk coin-op bathrooms)

        When D. got up we ordered pizza, we were starving.  They said it would take 45 minutes.  After an hour D. ran down, not here yet, she went to the bathroom and told me "If you hear the bell, can you get it?" and just as she shut the door I heard a buzz and a "doh!" and she shot out.  After a long time she reappeared with no pizza.  After calling them again and waiting, they finally buzzed again and she found them--in the meantime, the Exhibitionist (he walks around their flat naked once in a while, to everyone's chagrin.  Can you say white and pasty?) chatted with me--rather awkward because I couldn't forget the story and it grossed me out to look at him.  It was here!  We devoured it and it was pretty good actually, but D. had had enough with this place, because they'd previously blacklisted her credit card # by mistake.  D. told the delivery guy she was PO'ed and came back to the flat triumphant.  I asked, "Did you get it for free?"  "Well no."  "Get a discount?"  "No, but now they know me and they're taking my card number off their blacklist.  But I'm not ordering from there anymore."  It was called U.S. Way, and the brochure was decorated with red white and blue.  There were other pizza brochures too:  "Stars and Stripes Pizza", etc.  I said I didn't know pizza was such a patriotic US thing.

        After eating we were still awake from our naps, so I suggested a pub--just to check it out and chill.  We dressed and headed out to a nearby place but all the pubs were closed (and it was only 12:30AM!)  So we came across "Fujid", a Japanese restaurant by day, pub/dance floor by night.  D. got a Coke and we went downstairs where there was a DJ and dance floor, only about 20'x15', w/pretty good music, but as we started dancing we kept getting pushed to the wall--they were all tall white people.  I suggested the other end, and it turned out to be a mix of blacks and Asians (I said to D: "This must be the diverse end of the room.") Some guy poked and tapped me and waved--that was basically my only hit-on and that was fine w/me as they were all drunk and shoving us left and right as if we didn't exist--I guess that's what dance floors are like when you're the only sober ones.  Left after about an hour.  Came home and IM'ed Sam til 4, missed him badly.

Saturday, 5/13  From ritzy to cheapie

        Today we got up around 10 and returned to Oxford St. to return my H&M pants which I'd found out are cheaper back in NY, then stopped at Benetton to see "if by some miracle of God the jacket has been marked down in the last 2 days."  Of course it wasn't, and some other girl was trying it on!  Doh.  Then to Harrod's which was just as ritzy as they all say--I was really impressed.  We spent all our time in the Food Hall where they had EVERYTHING.  Darling little cakes the size of a shoe, for 50pounds!  But decorated so perfectly, one like a little handbag with an umbrella and newspaper, one with a kitten on top--made entirely of colored sugar I guess.  We thought we'd eat at the cafes but they were too pricey, so thought we'd eat at the delis, but also too pricey.  So we shopped and bought teas, chocolates (gifts for peeps back home) then went across the street to Boots where I got the brand of shampoo and conditioner D. uses but found I needed a slightly different type after taking their hair "quiz."  There I also had a great find--a Wallace & Gromit tissue box! 
        Thus laden down, we went to Portabello Market, an open-air market that was really crowded, and it was actually hot.  We saw a mannequin on the street, some guy covered in clay-like paint head to toe, sitting perfectly still.  I barely saw him blink or breathe.  You're supposed to drop money if you take a pic with him.  Later we saw a girl in costume moving jerkily like a windup toy--but she got to blink so we agreed to first guy was better.  There were tons of neat little things--light bulbs of bits of colored glass with sun and moon shapes in them, shadow pictures, suits of armor?  Vintage jewelry and handbags and furs, a basket of puppies, then a food market section where D. found some veggies for dinner and I snapped up 2 Revlon nail polishes for 1pound each--yeah! (There happened to be some nail polish/hairbrush carts randomly mixed in w/the fruit/veggie carts.)
        After getting the rest of the things for dinner--meat, corn, salad at a supermarket--and our bags really heavy now--we headed back and passed Still Man and Toy Girl kicking back eating lunch, blinking away and all--kinda funny.  They looked really weary too.

        Got back and had the Leonidas chocolates D. bought at Harrods.  They were absolutely the best chocolates I've ever had--Belgian--we looked up their website and there are NY locations, yay!  Prepared dinner, it was good and dessert was tea and more chocolates.  Then watched Blind Date which was funny--similar to the US version but these people get GOOD dates--weeklong vacations to Rio deJaneiro, Manila, Whistler!  D's friends bailed on us for the club tonight so we decided to forget it--I can't believe I'm not more motivated to go to a London club, which is originally the first thing that ever appealed to me about visiting, when I heard about the clubs here from other people.  I told D. I'll just tell people I went to Fujid and "it's so exclusive and elite most people haven't heard of it yet."
        No Sam to chat with, he's in DC for the next 2 days :(  I'm pretty pleased with my purchases though.

Sunday 5/14 (oops...Mother's Day) 

        Oh my feet!  We've done so much walking.  This morning went to Hyde's Park.  It wasn't a real aesthetic park except for one Rose Garden, but there's a long bike/rollerblade path, just adjacent to a pedestrian path ("footpath")--Sam would love it too.  Followed it way down, to Speaker's Corner where several people were on boxes yelling about Jesus.  We saw one guy start talking about a different topic that started out interesting but then got into how the government is purposely making people fat to get heart attacks so they'll have to pay for medical care.  Duh.  Then saw an interesting group of black guys in suits, but they took so long setting up we got Flakes again--sooo good.  The only good eats I've had in London so far.  We spotted two guys setting up with signs:  "Save the Male"  and "Equality, not Feminazism."  This looked interesting.  The red head guy with a beard started nervously:  "We are here today to talk about getting equal rights for men, so we can have the same privileges women have" and we immediately started cracking up.  He got redder and more sputtery: "When people loff it means they know theah's truth behoind it!"  With every word he was funnier and we laughed more--he actually started going on about how women have more privileges because they dominate jobs like teaching, secretaries, librarians...finally when he said "and men endure maw domestic violence than women!" that was it--everyone broke down.  The other guy was holding up their brochure, "for 1.50."  I asked, "Why should we pay for that?  He should be begging us to read it."
        That one was the most entertaining--the black guys were just an Islam group, and there was a guy touting "Christian Atheism--believe in Jesus but not God."  Riiight..

        Headed to Regent's Park which was really beautiful--perfectly manicured, paths everywhere, people sitting on the grass on the park's own lawn chairs ("If this were NY they'd be stolen long ago"), all sorts of flowers and plants with labels on them.  The Queen Mary garden (everything in this city is in honor of the queen..'this statue erected in honor of the queen,' 'this building unveiled by her highness the queen,' 'this road paved for the queen..')  had rows and rows of labeled plants and gilded wrought iron gates all around.  I thought it must take 24-7 maintenance, such a huge park, but didn't see any trimmers or waterers anywhere.  There was a Boating Lake, and some unusual ducks with yellow eyes.

        Then went to Covent Garden Market, a half-open-air, half indoor market, with pricier and more neat stuff than Portabello--newer things you'd actually consider buying.  The indoor stores ranged from popular (Gap, Nine West) to more unusual (T-Zone and other tea shops)--Lush, a handmade cosmetic store that had all different soaps (one chocolate, which smelled and felt and melted like the real thing!) and bath balls about 3-4" in diameter.  We ate at Punch & Judy's, a pub with so-so food (I got a chicken and ham pie--they're big on cottage, shepherd's, etc. pies here--"very British" says D.)  then wandered into Bodum--they make coffee pots and makers and teapots.  We liked the teapress with a filter cup inside.  D. got a green and I a red one.  It's a Euro chain, no US shops, so I was pretty pleased.

        Then went to Chinatown and Leicester's (pronounced "Lester's") Square.  In Chinatown there were lots of scruffy looking Chinese guys staring at us--hornballs.  We sat outside a cafe with drinks.  Another Asian couple was next to us and I asked, "Excuse me, could you please take our picture for us?"  and the girl asked me "Are you Japanese?"  I said "No, I'm from the US."  She looked incredulous just like that girl at Piccadilly.  "US???"  Now I could understand the little French girl, but a fellow Asian girl in Chinatown and just after I asked them to take our pic, in perfect American English?  Yeesh. 

        At home we had the food we'd taken out from Chinatown and P., her other flatmate, joined us at the kitchen table eating his Greek food.  D. seems to try pretty hard to be nice to him but he seems rather gruff--that's just what I perceive--and we got to talking about NY and the cost of living and he said his friend said going to UPenn for his Masters would've cost him 45000 pounds.  I said that seemed too much--$45000 maybe, but pounds?  Then how his friend at Columbia is paying 1400pounds/month for rent, no utilities included.  I said (like a parrot) that $1400 sounded more correct.  After re-iterating his argument several times as if doubting that living among New Yorkers gave me any worthy credibility, he abruptly stood up with his dishes and growled, "I dunno...I done leeve thare."

        We finished with the Harrod's tea using her new teapress, and some chocolates again.  When I was in the shower Mikey IM'ed her and by the time I got out they'd gotten into a fight.  At around 3AM he called, I heard her say grumpily, "We're sleeping!  Talk to you later then."  Apparently it was his last night at home before leaving again for another 2 weeks.

Monday 5/15 Modern Artists are Freaks

        This morning we took the bus instead of the tube, which Theresa, her other flatmate, had advised since it was a straighter and shorter route.  We got the best seats on top of the double decker, right in front...but it was a closed bus--no air--and the sun beating down was stifling, so we sacrificed the view and moved back.  We went to the Tate Gallery of Modern Art (there are several other Tates in the UK), the one that just opened a week before.  It was good we came on a Monday morning (D's idea) because there was no huge "queue" like the one we'd seen coming out the door when we saw it from across the river Friday.

        Tate was really interesting, unfortunately the only pictures you could take were of displays in the front hall--a huge spider and mirrors.  The museum looked huge from the outside but there were actually only two floors of galleries--the rest were dining, shops or paid exhibit floors--so we actually had time to do everything.  The galleries were divided by topic--Nature and Landscape (eh, not too exciting, 'til I saw a metal sculpture with a bunch of big brown blobs scattered on the floor that looked liked elephant droppings--but the inscription said they were "primordial creatures."  Thought droppings'd be more interesting.), History & Memory, which was very interesting because it was educational too--described how artists incorporated their political, war, media, celebrity, etc. views into their works.  I really liked the Andy Warhol room, the way he placed vibrant colored Marilyn Monroes next to the black & whites that faded away, to represent her celebrity days followed by her decline and death.  He said he wasn't an artist--just "recording events" as they happened in the world.  They also had Dali's transformation of Narcissus, and several of his others.

        The whole place just had bizarre things--paint splattered on canvas of course, paintings whose sheer size made them impressive--but also weird twisted sculptures and images, disfigured people, cannibalism, and everything symbolizing something else, 99%  of which was sexual, sexual, sexual...You leave with a general feeling that all modern artists are sick, twisted, repressed creatures and you'd rather not make friends with one.  There was one room that looked unfurnished, with paint cans and piles of boards scattered around, and no inscriptions on the walls, and since they just opened last week I suspected this room wasn't done yet, but people still strolled through examining the paint cans all contemplative--I said to D the construction workers probably just arranged their things nicely upon finishing their shift and the security guards were probably watching everyone, quietly sniggering in mockery.

       Naked & Nude wasn't anything to get real hot and bothered over--one room was an artist's video of a naked man dancing, set to classical instrumental music--the caption said she used her friends, dancing to techno, and did the sound-over in classical and put it all in slow motion--I watched for one minute and it was all the same.  Some people sat there just mesmerized, I guess watching his dingaling flapping around.  It really was the thing that couldn't help drawing your attention.

        Last was Still Life, where the paintings were boring but sculptures interesting--just glass cases of old used Tampax boxes (and I think old used Tampax--I couldn't tell for sure), milk cartons, bottles, nails, etc.  one guy put tall stacks of empty frozen raspberry cartons, Egg Beaters cartons, and Vanilla Extract bottles encased on the wall--the caption said it was only a portion of the entire collection he had from eating only those items in a year.  Blaugh.   Then there was a life-size ping pong table with paddles--one had a big hole in it, the other was covered in foam, to the third was taped sticks of dynamite.  There was a curtain on the wall was attached with pulleys and ropes, and depending how you pulled the ropes it resembled an elephant's trunk, a crucified body, or male genitalia--and of course they had it displayed in the male genitalia position.  There was a display by Francis Bacon, a guy who made gruesome depictions of humans and was quoted to say "All people are basically meat--we are all potential carcasses."  Dali did sculpture too--a still life called Lobster Telephone--two objects that he found very erotic apparently--yea those old style 10-pound phones with the rotary dials and wires all over really do it for me too.  He placed a lobster over the phone in the cradle, with the tail (area of its genitalia) over the mouthpiece.  Oooh, get it?  Makes you more fidgety than Naked & Nude.

        Between Naked and Still Life, had lunch at the Cafe which was quite nice--large windows overlooking the Thames (with all its lovely construction going on) and they were all using the Bodum teapresses!  I had a hummus, basil, and courgette on brown nutbread open-faced sandwich--it was delish, drizzled with olive oil and pepper.  Then for dessert had to order the thing that said "clotted cream" in the menu description, just to say I'd had it.  It was a ginger rhubarb crisp, with a blob of the cream on the side.  We tasted it--incredibly rich, like butter, cheese, sugar, and everything remotely bad for you rolled densely into this blob!  It wasn't like whipped cream--you couldn't shove a blob in your mouth at once, unless you really had a death wish.  The crisp was tart, warm, with crumb topping--the whole meal made up for a week of mediocre dining out--helped redeem London and its food.

        Next:  Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum.  I thought she was a fictional or legendary character, but she was a real woman commissioned by France to make death masks and so had to use actual corpses' heads as models.  It was amazing the way they made each one--put each human hair into the head strand by strand, made the teeth from dental records of the person, and painted the eyes the exact matching shade.  My fave were Nicholas Cage and Samuel Jackson, I tried to look bad-ass like them as I posed, which was hard because people all around watching (you had to take turns for photos) were laughing. 

        At first we thought it was just two rooms--celebrities and political figures--and it seemed like a rip for 11 pounds (and no student discounts, when I finally remembered my Brown ID!  Doh)  but then found there was also a downstairs with gory and scary stuff--how criminals were tortured and executed, prisoners, murderers (Jack the Ripper and how two of his victims were found), the French Revolution and a demo of the Guillotine (used on only about 10% of the people killed in the Revolution actually--I thought it would be more), and finally Mme Toussaud herself, searching for Marie Antoinette's head in a pile of corpses and heads so she could make the death mask.  Man, what a job that would be, I respect that woman.  She had to have been paid well.

        Lastly there was a seated ride.  In front of us was a panel of buttons colored like countries' flags just like at Tower Bridge, for listening to the voice in different languages, so kidding around again I pushed Japan and started pushing the others, but it locked on Japan so we had to listen to the whole ride in Japanese--doh!  Without understanding the soundover the whole ride looked random--a policeman, a kid on a waterslide, people just grinning in general.

        We did the whole wax museum in 45 minutes.

Tuesday 5/16 Finishing up on the plane back home

Newark <-----------3478 miles------------- London

Right now at 278 mph...426 mph...at 8255 ft...and climbing.  When you think about it, flying is still an amazing concept.  We are suspended in air, being carried in air!  Accelerating at a rate that would snap our necks in a car, and yet it barely feels like we're moving.  Just a thought.  And OF COURSE I'm on a flight with a baby, whose stinkin' diaper is right now being changed less than 5 feet away from me--yeeeesh...

        To finish about Monday...that evening we went to a medium-size (like Menlo Park) mall called Whiteleys at Bayswater to look for another Bodum since I suddenly had remembered the teapress would make a good bday gift for ___.  We found out our red and green ones were 2pounds cheaper here than at Covent Garden--doh!  But not the black, which I got her because it had matching teacups.  Got sucked into Benetton and bought a blue cotton sundress, then Warehouse where I almost bought a silver fleece-lined reversible jacket but there was a small stain on the silver (of course) side and she said I could get it 10% off but it was non-returnable (duh, considering I'll be on a plane soon); I struggled but let it go.  Thank god because looking at my luggage I couldn't fit in another thing--and thinking of my bills I feel slightly ill.  Was looking forward to at least claiming VAT tax back which I was pretty sure I could do on everything I bought or at least purchases over 50pounds--that was better than nothing.

        For dinner Theresa joined us at a nearby Indian restaurant--pretty good, but man that curry sauce is oily and all that coconut milk--I don't want to KNOW how much fat there is in there, and I was so hungry I sopped up every last [ack poo AGAIN!  This kid is a machine] drop of sauce with my nan and later on got heartburn.  Packed and re-packed a zillion times, to keep all my VAT and carryon stuff in the same bag (Mikey's--he kept it here last time he visited Daphne and said I could bring it back with me.  I'd scoffed, "Eh, don't know if I'll need it."  Hah!). 

        This morning I woke up--last day!  Was sad to go, but missed Sam so much.  We got up early at 9AM and the Buckingham changing of the guards wasn't until 11:30, so we strolled to a cafe and had sandwiches and juice.  This is the typical English convenience store/"cafe" selection:  pre-made sandwiches in plastic containers, a drink and crisps.  I asked D if they had bagels and she gave me a strange look: "That's an American thing."  I said, "Well, yeah actually it's a Jewish thing."  She was amazed, "Really?"  (So just like our "Italian" pizzerias, our "Jewish" delis are all just American stuff to the world...I have been greatly disillusioned.  There were probably some "Stars 'n Stripes" Chinese takeout places too, I just didn't see them.)  However, unlike the pre-wrapped sandwiches they have at 7-11 which were made in previous decades, these are fresh.  I had a tomato, basil and brie on crusty baguette, which was good despite me getting the crusty all over the place [OK, I feel I have a right to prop my bare feet up, when this baby has made a stinky poo twice].

        Strolled to the tube which had some delays so we got to Buckingham at 11AM and it was packed--couldn't see a thing.  The guards/police ("bobbies") kept us strictly behind rails, I'd expected to be free to roam around and pose next to the guards for photos like they show on TV, but they were behind the gate at all times.  Only once two of them stood at ease and people could take pics from 15 feet away.  I was misled!  It was hot, I was in jeans and a bit cross, straining my neck and tiptoeing.  We heard it was so crowded because someone was being made a "dame" today, whatever that is.  The new guards came in from the mall direction, then the band, then a cavalry bunch on horseback, through the gates, did some random marching here and here, the band played a medley of Beatles songs and it was over--never saw where the old guards went.  And the dame event was going on inside apparently--duh.

        Rushed back to her flat to grab my bags--Sam's pullman was so top-heavy it kept toppling over.  D had slipped her Wallace and Gwendolyn figurines into my duffel and as I re-re-repacked I spotted them, "Hey, what's this?"  "Dammit," she muttered.  Rushed to train and I gave her my last measly 5.46 pounds, which was good because I didn't want to change any money back in the airport and get gypped again.

        We found my check-in counter after some running around (really Continental not Virgin since apparently they are "partners in traveling" now) and to the Customs counter to claim my long-awaited VAT.  He asked me for my forms and when I asked where I could get them he gave me a pitying look:  "You should've gotten them from the shops."  DOH.  Plus, only some shops participate (Harrods for one) but there was a 50pound minimum cost, blah blah and he gave me a brochure that explained the whole thing which he probably wrote himself to avoid parroting this story over and over to people--he sounded rather well-rehearsed.  "Jeez, how confusing," I muttered, and he hastily agreed "it IS very confusing" as if to say That's the point, suck it up and pay the extra 18%, and fall right into our hands!  Sheesh--anyway, the bright side is that if my checked luggage is lost, all my new purchases are safe right here with me.

        D and I hugged and parted, I found my gate and let me say Gatwick is THE dingiest airport I've ever seen--exposed wires hanging from the ceiling, is that necessary?  I sat and relaxed for a minute, tempted to buy a soda but only had a two pence which D and T insisted I keep as a memento.  Then I realized boarding time was a long while ago--duh--and boarded.  I have a good seat--front of section so lots of leg room (but that's also why I'm right next to a baby changing station--oh well).  Pretty empty flight.  Just saw "Anna and the King" which I really liked--I was pouring tears at more than a couple scenes, of course I'm in a rather vulnerable state right now because of missing Sam so badly.  No sitting on the runway for 4 hours and the service is great--I just might not bother writing that nasty letter to Virgin after all.  

        So I must say...this was the best, most pleasant trip I've had since I don't remember--sunny warm weather, didn't get sick, didn't get in a fight with anyone, didn't lose anything, never woke up in a hospital or some other strange room.  Miraculous!  And I have a sneaking suspicion it has to do with the fact I didn't go drinking at all.............