PORTRAIT OF A PRE-MED

        So I sat at the library desk.  The florescent lamp glaring into my eyes and humming like a sick mosquito, and three blank off-white walls surrounding, enclosing me into the solitary space called a carrel.

        With my book open and its highlighted paragraphs, tables, and figures, my notebook with its scribbled pages next to it, and four different colored pens by my right hand in casual harried array of the manner of one with much to study, much to learn.  Portrait of a good student.  Good Ivy League student.  Good Ivy League pre-med student.  Good Ivy League pre-med Asian student.

        Not seeing the pages of the book or notebook or the supposed wealth of information contained therein but playing and replaying through my mind the conversations

        ("Well I'll be working for a year after I graduate because this year I've got to bring up my GPA before I can even think about applying to med school")

        ("Well I hear the Dean's trying to convince everyone who doesn't have straight A's not to apply this year so he can keep up our class  acceptance rate to med schools")

        ("Well you have to take the MCATs this spring if you want to apply next fall to med school")

        ("So if you see someone become a dentist all of a sudden, you know they didn't get into med school")

        And the flyer that came in my mailbox today...Thinking of applying for Fall '98 entrance into Med Fucking School?  Here is a list of what needs to be done right away.  Schedule appointment with dean.  Attend first meeting with dean.  Take MCATs.  Attend second meeting with dean.  Tell me about yourself and why you think you are any more deserving than the 500 other students vying for the same two places at the same med fucking school in New York City.  After all are you quite sure you want to go to New York?  Why don't you consider Iowa or perhaps even better, Israel...

        And the first round of midterms that all came back to me at once, always in that same way, pawing and trudging through ankle-deep stacks of papers, climbing over other students (nice word for yes--my rivals!) to find my paper stuck in the middle with the same red marks and the same choking staple in the corner trying to hold all the shit together, as everyone else's, and my score equals the mean.  Almost on the dot.  Four midterms, four classes, for a grade...and all of a sudden I'm no good Ivy League pre-med Asian student but just an average Joe go with the Flo, can't-keep-up-with-my-reading- falling-asleep-in-class- procrastinating-(writing essays in the library carrel?)-didn't-get-anything-done-this-weekend-again- trying-to-pull-all-nighters-with-black-coffee- wanna-be-a-doctor-to-make-lots-of-money-even-though-
I'll-be-in-school-half-my-life-PRE-fucking-MED student going around mouthing "Yes I really wish to dedicate my life to medicine and helping people" But right now all I wants to do is Have Some Fun and get drunk, dance, play music loud, drive fast, have lots of soul-searing sex, rent a movie, order pizza, smoke a cigarette and start all over after 13 straight hours of sleep.

        So that's me...why aren't you studying?