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Saturday 11th August 2007: I’m knackered, I’ve been doing laundry all morning and getting it outside to dry, we’ve been away, we came back yesterday from a break in the Lake District, we weren’t due to come back until Sunday, but the bf’s had some Masonic meeting to attend last night…Masons, I just don’t get it, but then I’m a humble houseboy and not a businessman, to my mind its like boy-scouting for grown ups, I bet they sit around comparing badges and swapping woggles. I wasn’t bothered about coming home a day or so early, in fact I’d have been happy if we’d come home the day after going, but I had no say in the matter. We went with HIM to HIS cottage in Cartmel, HE had one of HIS part time boyfriend’s come dungeon protégés in tow, a right pretentious twat who goes by the name of Varjak, I’m convinced he’s made the name up, I bet his real name is Stan or something. Sorry, but I can’t stand him, he juggles for fuck’s sake, yes, you read that right, he actually juggles and, listen to this, he rides a unicycle, come on, it’s not normal for a man in his late twenties, apparently he once spent a year at a circus school in Bristol, he does trapeze and everything, what a tosser. Okay, I admit, maybe I’m a bit envious that he can keep five clubs up in the air while balancing on his one wheel bike, but still, I don’t like him, and his hair is blonde from a bottle, not natural like mine and he wears tight black leather all the time, he blends into the furnishings, I always have an urge to spray him with Pledge and buff him to a high shine, I would too if I didn’t think Dick or Shane would buff my arse to a high shine, and not with polish. Excuse me while I have a good scratch, I’ve come home covered in midgie bites, the place was teeming with the evil vampiric little bastards, they outnumbered the billions of tourists by about five million to one and they all seemed to have a taste for my blood, Dick and Shane are bite free, but not me, it’s not fair, I’ve got spots on my face, bites all over my body, I look like a page in a kids activity book…join the fucking dots and make a picture…pissed off houseboy in my case. If I sound grouchy it’s because I am. It wasn’t that much of a holiday for me, everyone is supposed to pitch in on holiday, but I usually end up getting lumbered with the bulk of the work, bloody cooking and cleaning just like at home. I took the huff one day and disappeared off on my own leaving my mobile behind and them to get on with it on their own. I went to Windermere and popped into the library to use the internet service and poke around the shelves safe in the knowledge that no one there was au fait with my unorthodox telephone manner. I then went for a cruise on the lake where I was befriended by two old girls, sisters, on a day trip from Huddersfield, I seem to attract older folk, of both sexes (barring Shane’s dad who hates me) or maybe I just feel more comfortable around them and they sense that. Anyway, they were sweet and I enjoyed their company, I suppose I like being fussed over a bit and they enjoyed doing a bit of fussing, no strings attached, no responsibility, we had tea and I flirted dreadfully with them and they with me and no one was harmed and three people had fun and made a nice memory that would fade away until some point in the future when it would suddenly re-surface for some reason or other. It was fairly late by the time I made my way back to the cottage and I felt a bit of a shit when Dick greeted me with very obvious relief, saying he’d been worried. I’d left a note saying I wanted space and was going out for a walk, but without specifying that the walk concerned would consume an entire day. To be honest my intention had been to cause upset, because I was upset at what felt like being taken for granted. Shane didn’t say much, but when everyone else went for a sudden and convenient drink at the local hostelry, he stayed behind and tempered his relief at my safe return by coldly telling me that I had made my point and it had been noted, however there were better ways of making the point other than confirming what everyone already knew i.e. that I was a selfish, stubborn, immature, contrary, manipulative and petulant man (talk about being verbally tangoed) He also said that I created self-martyrdom and that I liked to feel put upon because it gave me a sense of power and I therefore had no right to throw a strop when the game was played according to the rules I set out. Needless to say the Kendal mint cake I’d brought back with me cut no ice, his belt came off and I went to bed sore arsed. Fair punishment I suppose, I was a bad lad to go off all day and not allow them any kind of contact with me. It’s actually been a funny couple of weeks altogether, but not in a comedic sense, I mean they would never get commissioned as a six-part sitcom for BBC3, not even if I offered a blowjob to the director general and even if the blowjob worked and the sitcom was commissioned I doubt it would raise many titters certainly not from me, I haven’t been much in the mood for laughing, not since a very unwelcome visitor dropped in on the day of Dick’s birthday (which was August the first) and if I can find time in between scratching my midgie bites and slaving over housework I might write events up as a chapter of my autobiog, as it is I’m off out to take some stuff into the dry cleaners before they shut, so tara for now. Monday 27th August 2007: Peace at last, the bf’s have taken Penny and The Muppet out for a drive and lunch, they’re staying with us for the long Bank Holiday weekend and all being well they will depart this realm tomorrow and return from whence they came. It hasn’t been too bad; Penny has spent most of the time wittering to Shane about their father and complaining about their brother who never visits and rarely calls, the rest of the time, thanks to fair weather, she’s spent sitting in the garden scaring off the crows, even our resident mafia robin has been keeping a low profile. The Muppet, aka Charles, is easy work in comparison to his wife, as long as I smile and nod as he chunters in his strange tongue and slip him the odd bacon buttie he seems happy enough. I really do think he’s starting to accept and like me, he even complimented me on the Venison dish I served up on Friday night, I think it was a compliment anyway seeing as he was smiling as he said whatever he said and Penny sniffed and made a comment about the meat being a bit strong tasting and somewhat tough for her tastes. I sweetly asked the pernicious old bat if she’d like me to cut the meat up for her or perhaps softly boil her an egg, as it might be easier on her dentures. She coldly informed me that she did not have dentures. Shane gave me a look that spoke volumes, and I’m not talking weights and measure here, it clearly said ‘you’ve stepped up to the mark, now make sure you don’t overstep it.’ I made sure, majestically overcoming a very low desire to shit on a dish top it with cream and serve it to her as dessert. She got chocolate orange gateaux same as everyone else, though she looked at it as if indeed I had served her with a steaming turd, still, she didn’t leave any, so she must have liked it. My mother has been very poorly, she got some kind of kidney infection and had to go into hospital where she ended up having a blood transfusion because there was something wrong with her blood count. She came out last Thursday and is fine, in fact she looks fabulous, but I have to admit that the whole thing gave me a real fright I thought this was it and I was going to end up an orphan. Apparently as things progress (she has advanced and incurable cervical cancer, no matter what they blast at it, it comes back and is now metastases) she’s likely to need more transfusions as part of a programme of palliative care. Frank didn’t even let me know that she had gone into hospital, I found out from one of their neighbours. I’d been ringing her and getting no reply and was getting anxious because I knew she’d been feeling unwell, so I got the train over to see what was going on. I had two episodes in the wake of finding out that she was ill, the first one was brought on by stress, like I said, I got a fright when I heard she’d been hospitalised and even more of a fright when I saw how ill she looked. I was convinced she was heading into the home stretch for the cemetery. The second episode came about on account of spending too long in conversation with my mate Stella, she over empathised with me and as a result I got absolutely rat arsed one night because I was angry and frustrated that I couldn’t really do anything to help my mother. I can’t even offer the token gesture of giving blood because of the AED’s I take, you have to be clear of seizures and drugs for at least two years before they’ll take blood from you, I bet Dracula wouldn’t be as fussy. The bf’s were generally fantastic; though neither was too impressed by the latter incident and boy did they let this houseboy know it. The Rose And Crown and the Lady Stella were put off limits for a week afterwards. To be honest it wasn’t just feeling bad about mum that made me drink myself into a giddy fit, I used the opportunity to re-fan bad feelings about the fact that Dick and Shane are taking the plunge and entering into civil matrimony. That was one of the gifts that Shane gave Dick for his birthday, a proposal, it sure as little duck eggs knocked my gift to him right off the radar, a bag of dolly mixtures and an electric anal vibrator with three speed settings pale into nothingness compared to the offer of legal recognition of your relationship (lie detector rolls its eyes and clicks its tongue) Oh alright, I didn’t buy Dick dolly mixtures or a vibrator, I actually gave him a really fantastic pressie, which he loved, but still, it couldn’t beat Shane’s. I handled the news with all the dignity you’d expect, calmly congratulating them and saying how pleased I was and it was about time that Shane made an honest man of Dick (points at lie detector and says SHUT IT!) yeah, yeah, ok, I reacted in typical Gilli fashion and behaved like a total shit and didn’t speak to either of them for two days. I was writing the whole thing out of my system for my autobiography when mum was taken bad and all else faded into insignificance. They haven’t set a date yet, it’s just on the agenda for things to be done, as and when a convenient time arises, its all very businesslike. Knowing them they’ll have the registrar conduct the legalities via a synchronised cell phone call while they take five minutes for a coffee break in their respective offices. The witnesses will then fax their signatures and voila the happy couple will then instruct their secretaries to arrange an appointment for them to meet and kiss, ah, the romance of it all! Anyway, I’m okay with it now. Penny didn’t make mention of it so either Shane hasn’t yet told her or he’s told her not to mention it in front of me. She’ll be thrilled I bet. I’m busy flicking through recipes, but none are talking to me, if you know what I mean, I’m not much in the mood for cooking, I wonder if Shane will mind if I serve up beans on toast or fish fingers, good old fashioned plebeian fare? Yep, he answers his own question, he’ll mind. I think I’ll bike down to Tesco and have a poke around the ready meals to see if there’s anything I can pass off as my very own, the Rose and Crown is on the way, so I might just drop in for a sociable word with a certain lady friend of mine. Thursday 30th August 2007: Yesterday, in the interests of science and in respect of recent world concerns regarding climate change, I decided, taking the melting of the polar ice caps as my theme, to conduct a methodical and carefully balanced experiment to determine what these effects might be, if indeed any. By the time I had concluded the experiment and written up my notes and calculations one thing was very clear to me, global warming and the subsequent melting of the polar ice caps would be a tragedy for certain regions of the world and more importantly for certain regions of a particular houseboy, which is why I’m going to make damn sure that the bf’s never ever find out that I decided to use a hairdryer on a hot setting to speed up defrosting the freezer, which had built up enough ice to make a cruise liner nervous. It worked a treat for a while and I childishly enjoyed watching the mountains of ice turn to liquid under the heat, then the phone rang and I had a nice chat with a mate of mine, resting the hairdryer on a shelf inside the freezer while I did so, switching it off first of course, for I am a responsible domestic servant. Once the nice chat was done, I picked up my appliance and flicked it back on, whereupon I almost shit a bin lid as it shorted out on account of the water that had dripped into the gubbins as I exercised my gob, I got a shock in more ways than one, it blew the fuse box as well. Anyway, the fuse box was soon fixed and after sensibly leaving the fridge to finish defrosting at its own pace I cleaned it and switched back on…nothing…I switched off and back on again, still nothing. Something must have happened when the fuses blew, I changed the plug, still not a sausage from it. I called in a repairman who told me the sad news that the fridge was as dead as a kipper, adding wisely, “you need a new one mate.” Apparently the main reason you should never use a hairdryer to defrost the freezer ISN’T the danger of electrocution, but rather that it risks causing damage to the cooling system causing it expand or something. So I had a dead fridge, a dead hairdryer, a tingling hand and a bill from the repairman for saying “you need a new one mate.” Now while it was relatively easy for me to nip out and buy a replacement hairdryer, it wasn’t so easy to nip out and buy a new fridge freezer, Shane oversees the household account and checks it every month and there was no way that he would allow an out take of several hundred quid to go unquestioned and anyway, a stranger to kitchen appliances he might be, but he was sure to notice a new fridge and ask for explanation. So I came clean…ish (I wasn’t keen for my arse to be added to the number of parts that tingled on my body) and gave a censored account of the fridge’s demise making no mention of hairdryers and fuse boxes etc, though the repairman got a brief mention and I improvised his wisdom, “we need a new one Daddy.” So, it came to pass that last night we surfed into the Comet online shop. Dick and I fell in love with an American style silver cabinet fridge freezer that cost a few pence short of a cool £1,200, Shane didn’t, he said we had no need for such an ostentatious object, it wasn’t as if we had a family to cater for, it was a waste of money and he didn’t give a shit if it had a chilled water dispenser set in the door, there was plenty of chilled water in the tap. We argued, but he said a firm no. Dick and I lost interest in proceedings after that and were accused of sulking and consequently despatched from the computer like naughty children. Shane then ordered a straightforward Zanussi fridge freezer at a modest cost of £349 and that was that. Aw well, at least it’s a frost-free model so no more polar ice caps to melt. I’ve got to go to the dentist for a check up tomorrow, I hate going to the dentist, especially mine, he’s a huge man, nice in his way, but honest he looks more like a butcher than a dentist, he could strangle a cow with hardly any effort, he’s got hands like meat hooks, which he rams in your mouth and then proceeds to initiate conversation with you, it’s really embarrassing. Shane and Dick are much bigger than I am they should have got the cow strangler as their dentist, but no, they end up with the lady dentist who has small hands that allow you to talk around them without feeling like you’re choking. I’m bored, Shane’s gone to the gym tonight and Dick is working late. I think I’ll go over and see Eileen, I haven’t seen her for a couple of days and there might be new goss to catch up on. |
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