Lorelai Gilmore: It's just. . . . If I die, I want you to know where the coupon drawer is.
Max Medina: Well, I would like that too. I think.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, we need to figure these things out before. . .
Max Medina: Before what? Are you saying yes?
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Max Medina: Are you saying yes?
Lorelai Gilmore: Why are you asking me that?
Max Medina: Because you call me, out of the blue, completely panicked about where we're gonna live and bank and coupon drawers and Margie.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, these are important things to discuss.
Max Medina: I agree. They're extremely important things to discuss, especially if you're saying yes. Are you?

Rory Gilmore: Where's Dean?
Lorelai Gilmore: Getting water.
Rory Gilmore: You're shameless.
Lorelai Gilmore: He offered.
Rory Gilmore: Please...
Lorelai Gilmore: The first thing he said to me was, "Hey Lorelai, can I change your water." What can I say the kids a freak!

Rory Gilmore: I have multiple personalities. It might be one of me.  
Paris Geller: It's hours of hammering and drilling and dirt and it's horrible. You'll hate it.
Rory Gilmore: How do you know? How do you know that I don't spend hours every week hammering and drilling? And dirt, I love dirt. I collect it.
Paris Geller: You're hilarious.
Rory Gilmore: You're pathetic.

Lorelai Gilmore: I am the mother and you are the daughter. In some cultures, that means you have to do what I say.
Rory Gilmore: If you don't tell them in two weeks, I will.
Lorelai Gilmore: Though apparently not in this one.

Luke Danes: Well, there's nothing like a wedding to screw up a family. 
Lorelai Gilmore: Actually, in my case, there's nothing like a family to screw up a family.

Lorelai Gilmore: I'm officially changing my order. I'll have the "Luke's giving Lorelai a migraine" meal.
Luke Danes: Blue cheese or ranch?

Lorelai Gilmore: Hi mom, do you have a sec to chat? Super.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai, what is this?
Lorelai Gilmore: I just wanted to see how you were, that's all.
Emily Gilmore: I'm fine.
Lorelai Gilmore: You are? Oh good, good. I'm glad that you're fine. I, however, am not fine.
Emily Gilmore: Your father and I were just about to go to bed. We can do this in the morning.
Lorelai Gilmore: Actually Mom, no. We can't do this in the morning. We really need to do this right now.
Emily Gilmore: Are you drunk?
Lorelai Gilmore: No, I'm not drunk. I'm confused.
Emily Gilmore: About what?
Lorelai Gilmore: About you.
Emily Gilmore: And what about me confuses you Lorelai?
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, so many things. I mean, for example, why can't you keep a maid in this house? I mean, there must've been a thousand women who've gone through here in the thirty-two years that I've been alive, and not one of them could stick it out.
Emily Gilmore: And this is what we need to discuss right now?
Lorelai Gilmore: These are women from countries that have dictatorships and civil wars and death squads and all of that they survived, but five minutes working for Emily Gilmore, and people are begging for Castro.
Emily Gilmore: All right, I'm going to bed now.
Lorelai Gilmore: And why is it that when your only daughter tells you that she is getting married, you can't muster up even a little enthusiasm? Even a little fake enthusiasm. Why don't you pretend that you care? I mean, this is the biggest thing to happen to me possibly for the rest of my life, and you dismissed it like I said, 'Hey, I'm thinking of getting a Honda, what do you think?'
Emily Gilmore: You're obviously hysterical!
Lorelai Gilmore: Why don't you care? Why have you never cared? No matter what has happened to me my entire life, you've never been happy for me, and that hurts, Mom, it really hurts!
Emily Gilmore: I'm not discussing this with you.
Lorelai Gilmore: Do you know how it felt for me to tell you that I was getting married and to have you just brush it off like that? Do you know?
Emily Gilmore: No, I don't, I don't know! Possibly very similar to finding out from a complete stranger that my only daughter was getting married and had told every other person in the world before she bothered to tell her own mother. Possibly it felt something like that. Now if you'll excuse me, it is late, and I am going to bed.
Max Medina: Um, my parents would really like to have lunch with you and Mr. Gilmore, sometime. . . soon. Nice meeting you.

Rory Gilmore: If the house was burning down, what would you save first, the cake or me?
Lorelai Gilmore: Not fair! The cake doesn't have legs!

Rory Gilmore: You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words.
Rory Gilmore: That's kind of the point.

Lorelai Gilmore: Oh yeah. We want fun, we want simple, we want fast. We've been completely in sync, without the slightly gay boy band affiliation.

Rory Gilmore: He has much knowledge.
Lorelai Gilmore: We shall form a cult around him.
Rory Gilmore: Build a statue many stories high.
Lorelai Gilmore: We shall grow our hair long and stop bathing.

Rory Gilmore: Are you and Max getting married?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I didn't want to try on my wedding dress every night.

Rory Gilmore: A lot of flowers.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, like a ton of flowers.
Rory Gilmore: A plethora of flowers.
Lorelai Gilmore: A load of flowers.

Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'

Lorelai Gilmore: Rory, I don't want to talk about this. I thought by saying 'enough' and cutting off the light, you would get the message, but apparently not; the skywriter will be here in a minute.

Lorelai Gilmore: I am a grown woman.
Rory Gilmore: Says the woman with the 'Hello, Kitty' waffle iron.

Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, don't you want to see it? Huh? The place where you'll be living and studying and developing very naïve but pretentious world views that will come crashing down the minute you graduate?
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, I do.
Lorelai Gilmore: So? Come on, you know you want to. All the other kids are doing it.

Lorelai Gilmore: Can I ask you stupid questions?
Luke Danes: There's no such thing.
Lorelai Gilmore: How does the ink come out of pens?!
Luke Danes: Okay, there is such a thing.

Rory Gilmore: I have different classes this year, my routes aren't the same. I haven't found the quickest path around. And my locker, they moved it, so I don't even know if it'll work properly and then I'll have to get a new one and God knows how long that'll take or where it'll be and that could send the whole day into chaos. I'm just excited.

Lorelai Gilmore: Luke, what's wrong?
Luke Danes: Do you have a sister?
Lorelai Gilmore: No.
Boy Scout: I do!
Luke Danes: You have my sympathy.
Boy Scout: Thanks, I appreciate that.

Rory Gilmore: You and I are going to have to spend a lot of time in class together on The Franklin.
Paris Geller: I know.
Rory Gilmore: We're gonna have to sit in the same classroom, share the same oxygen, occasionally make eye contact.
Paris Geller: I can avoid that.
Rory Gilmore: Look, I'm not saying that we should be friends. I don't want to be friends. I'm just saying that maybe we should look at this like life.
Paris Geller: Life?
Rory Gilmore: Yes, in life there will be people that you don't like, but that you have to coexist with.
Paris Geller: I am well aware of that.
Rory Gilmore: So I'm just suggesting that we coexist.
Paris Geller: You're just scared that I'm gonna make your life on The Franklin a living hell. Especially since I'm the editor and you're…oh, what's the word…not.

Luke Danes: Well, here we are. It's pretty simple. You know, this is the room. That's my bed, that's your, uh, bed for now, but the sheets are new. There's the bathroom, there's the closet, there's the dresser, the phone, and over there is the kitchen. I've got Frosted Flakes.
Jess Mariano: Wow, that's grrrrreat.

Luke Danes: But wait, you need keys.
Jess Mariano: No I don't.
Luke Danes: I so don't wanna know why.

Luke Danes: Rory will be there. She's a lot like Lorelai, but with a slightly tighter grasp on reality.

Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, I have. I've also done the 'chip on my shoulder' bit. Ooh, and the surly, sarcastic, 'the world can bite my ass' bit, and let me tell you, I mastered them all, in heels, yet. And everything you're feeling might be totally justified, maybe you are getting screwed. But Luke is a great guy. He's very special, and he really wants to take care of you and make things right for you. You're incredibly lucky to have him. If you give this situation half a chance, you might be surprised at how good it can be, how much you like living here, and how comfortable it feels to have someone like Luke you can really depend on.
Jess Mariano: What are you sleeping with him or something?
Lorelai Gilmore: Excuse me?
Jess Mariano: I don't know. The whole starry eyed 'you're so much better off, just give it a chance' speech. You're either really naïve, or you're getting some.
Lorelai Gilmore: Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
Jess Mariano: Well, now, that's not very neighborly.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, you know what, this is my house, and I choose how I get talked to in it, ha ha.
Jess Mariano: You know, you don't know anything about me, or my life, or my mom, or Luke, so why don't you Doctor Laura someone else.
Lorelai Gilmore: I'm going inside, stay out of my fridge.

Rory Gilmore: I just want you to know, I really wanted you to be my stepfather.
Max Medina: I just want you to know, I really wanted to be your stepfather.

Rory Gilmore: So what do you think?
Dean Forrester: I think you look like a cotton ball.
Rory Gilmore: Why, thank you, Jeeves.
Dean Forrester: But a really cute cotton ball.

Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, well, hey, people listen in different ways, right? I mean, some people listen with their ears, and some people listen with not their ears, but that doesn't mean some actual listening hasn't happened in some form.

Rory Gilmore: Being a lady is hard.

Lorelai Gilmore: Oh Luke, we're just dying for some refreshments.
Luke Danes: Keep your pants on.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hmm. He can turn it off and turn it on so fast.

Rory Gilmore: (chuckling to herself) Barry Manilow
Lorelai Gilmore: Stop!
Rory Gilmore: (singing) Looks like we made it
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh yeah? Spice Girls!
Rory Gilmore: Duran Duran!
Lorelai Gilmore: Dido!
Rory Gilmore: Olivia Newton-John!
Lorelai Gilmore: The Macarena! You and Lane for hours and hours for weeks on end!
Rory Gilmore: Hey! We were mocking, you can't mock the mocking!
Lorelai Gilmore: All right, it's getting ugly. Let's stop.
Rory Gilmore: Let's be friends again.
Lorelai Gilmore: All right.

Francie Jarvis: Hmm. Rory, huh? Do they call you Ror?
Rory Gilmore: Not unless provoked.
Ivy: No nickname?
Rory Gilmore: Actually, Rory is a nickname. My full name is Lorelai.
Lem: Lorelai. That's a weird name.
Rory Gilmore: Well, Lem, what can I say?

Rory Gilmore: God, you're like a pop-up book from hell!

Rory Gilmore: Things were going fine, my grades were good, I joined the paper. My routine was down.
Headmaster Charleston: Your routine was…
Rory Gilmore: And I have friends. I have a steady boyfriend, and my mother and I are freakishly linked, and Lane and I have been best friends since kindergarten. But you don't see that because I don't live in this town, and if you don't see it then it must not be true. And you call me in here to lecture me because I'd rather read at lunch then endlessly discuss the euthanasia of homecoming.
Headmaster Charleston: You're reading had…
Rory Gilmore: You told me and you told my mother that I needed to socialize, and if I didn't, it would be frowned upon and it would hurt me getting into Harvard.
Headmaster Charleston: Well, yes, we did say that.
Rory Gilmore: So, I did it. I sat down at a table, a random table.
Francie Jarvis: Random?
Rory Gilmore: And the next thing I know, I'm being pulled out of my bed in the middle of the night and I'm blindfolded and then before I know it, I end up here with the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, reciting poetry and lighting candles, and now I'm gonna be suspended because I was trying to do what you told me? What's fair about that?
Secretary: Headmaster Charleston, the parents are starting to arrive.
Headmaster Charleston: Thank you Mrs. Trager. All right ladies, we'll continue this conversation tomorrow and for many days after that. You may go. Miss Gilmore, I think that maybe you and I should talk some more. 
Rory Gilmore: About what?
Headmaster Charleston: About the fact that though I do feel it is important that students socialize, possibly we may have been a little hasty to judge in your case.

Sookie St. James: Well, it was in the future and we were all old, you and me and Rory and Jackson and Michel, everyone. Gray hair, walking around with canes, we're all kind of ailing, you know? I had those big cataract glasses on. You were hard of hearing and kept going, Huh? Huh?
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, that's attractive.
Rory Gilmore: Its you kids with your rock and roll.

Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, that's true. We often feel guilty monopolizing the amount of beauty we're in possession of.

Mia: Nice to see you Lucas.
Luke Danes: You're the only person in the world who can call me that, Mia.
Mia: I know this.
Luke Danes: I'm saying it for others who plan to try it later.
Lorelai Gilmore: Whatever Lucas.

Luke Danes: It's Liz's kid. Jess, this is Mia, she owns the Independence Inn.
Jess Mariano: Huh.
Luke Danes: That's 'Hello, nice to meet you' in slacker.

Rory Gilmore: You were a Trekkie?
Luke Danes: I was not a Trekkie.
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh uh, I do believe that denying you were a Trekkie is a violation of the prime directive.
Rory Gilmore: Indubitably captain.

Mia: There was a phony murder?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, the town's too dull to work up a real murder.
Rory Gilmore: But you're one 'beam me up Scotty' reference away from being the victim of one.

Taylor Doose: So are you going to act.
Luke Danes: Yes I am. I'm gonna act like you never came in here.
Taylor Doose: Fine, have it your own way. But I warn you, there's gonna be a lot of unhappy people at S.H.B.A., the S.H.T.B., the S.H.N.W.O. and the S.H.C.C.S.H.C.
Luke Danes: F-I-N-E.

Lorelai Gilmore: Are we late?
Luke Danes: We're two minutes early.
Rory Gilmore: We should get a prize for being on time.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, Luke, let's go back to the diner and have pie as a reward!
Luke Danes: Then we'd be late.
Lorelai Gilmore: A funny conundrum, but I want pie!

Rory Gilmore: And he's standing there yelling at everyone and defending you and paying Taylor back for his lettuce losses…
Jess Mariano: Wait, his what?
Rory Gilmore: And now Luke's a pariah and it's all because of you! What a shock, you don't care about any of this.
Jess Mariano: I didn't say that.
Rory Gilmore: Go. I'm tired of talking to you.
Jess Mariano: Fine.
Rory Gilmore: You care nothing about Luke and his feelings!
Jess Mariano: Got a second wind, huh?
Rory Gilmore: All he does is stick up for you and all you do is make his life harder. I guess that's what you have to do when you're trying to be Holden Caulfield but I think it stinks. Luke has done a lot for my mom and a lot for me, and I don't like to see him attacked. Okay, second wind over.
Jess Mariano: I didn't know they were coming down so hard on him.
Rory Gilmore: Funny, I never pegged you as clueless, my mistake.

Lorelai Gilmore: I just flat out panicked about the enormity of what we were getting into and it clobbered me, and I clobbered Sookie, and was such a jerk. Hey, if I cry, will it freak you out?
Luke Danes: Totally.
Lorelai Gilmore: What if I whimper?
Luke Danes: How about you suck it up?
Lorelai Gilmore: Hmm, I'll try.
Luke Danes: I don't get it. You're as ready as you've ever been.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh Luke, do not underestimate the complete and total lack of confidence I have in my abilities.
Luke Danes: What? You're the most confident person I know. Obnoxiously so.

Sookie St. James: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.'
Michel Gerard: Pick another group.
Sookie St. James: Nope.
Michel Gerard: I hate you! Hate you!

Rory Gilmore: Dean, want a burger?
Dean Forrester: Nah, my mom's cooking fried chicken.
Lorelai Gilmore: So, your mom cooks! But I bet she can not casual date!
Rory Gilmore: I hope not, she's married.

Rory Gilmore: I've always wanted a little brother.
Lorelai Gilmore: He looked older the other night!
Rory Gilmore: How much older could he possibly look?
Lorelai Gilmore: A lot! He's usually a little scruffy, and then the baseball cap hides the funky hair thing.
Rory Gilmore: He should've been holding a yo-yo and a lollipop and wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.
Lorelai Gilmore: He's in his twenties.
Rory Gilmore: He must have been a very good boy to deserve such a happy day. I bet they let him ride a pony.

Lorelai Gilmore: What? You wanna say something too?
Luke Danes: Nope.
Lorelai Gilmore: Please don't hold back on my account.
Luke Danes: I wouldn't.
Lorelai Gilmore: Good.
Luke Danes: [to kids at the counter] Would you guys mind moving down a couple stools? Make me more comfortable.
Lorelai Gilmore: This is me leaving.
Luke Danes: Hey, how do I know what the cutoff is?
Lorelai Gilmore: And no tip, I wonder why.
Luke Danes: I mean, at least if you had one of those height bars like at amusement park rides…
Lorelai Gilmore: Bye now.

Lorelai Gilmore: I promised Rory we'd go to Luke's afterwards.
Sookie St. James: Even better.
Lorelai Gilmore: Although I gotta tell ya, I am still pretty peeved by how he acted earlier, I swear that guy runs so hot and cold on me.
Sookie St. James: What?
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, one minute he's all sweet and building me a huppah, the next he's being a total jerk for God knows what reason.
Sookie St. James: For god knows what reason? Oh come on Lorelai.
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Sookie St. James: Don't you understand that Luke is so into you?
Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, stop.
Sookie St .James: He has had to watch you go from one guy to another, and then the engagement, and then the engagement was off, and patiently he's waited, and now in walks this kid and he says "My God, will she date anyone else in the world before she'll date me?"
Lorelai Gilmore: Sookie that's...
Sookie St. James: Hey, maybe it's crazy, maybe it's irrational, but it's there. Just look the guy in the eye, it's right there.

Lorelai Gilmore: Dating, do you have that down?
Luke Danes: Okay, if this is about that kid, then…
Lorelai Gilmore: No, it's not about anything, it's just a question.
Luke Danes: Well, I don't know if I have it down. Considering I live with my nephew, I'd say probably not.
Lorelai Gilmore: I don't have it down either. I've never been very good at it really. I've never even really liked it. Too much 'what if'. I like things I can count on. I mean, uh, actually, with Max, it was the first time I was finally like 'Hey, here it is, that one person who will always be there for me.' And then, I turned around, and it's suddenly 'Oops, wrong, keep moving.'
Luke Danes: Why are you telling me this?
Lorelai Gilmore: I don't have very many people in my life who are in my life permanently forever. They will always be there for me. I will always be there for them, you know? There's Rory, and Sookie, and this town and ... you. I mean, at least I think I've got...
Luke Danes: You do.
Lorelai Gilmore: Good. Just checking

Lorelai Gilmore: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmore's of our lives.

Lorelai Gilmore: I have a New Year's resolution for you--be more cynical and self-absorbed.
Rory Gilmore: I'll work on it.

Lorelai Gilmore: Welcome to the first and probably-never-again-because-Sookie's-on-the-verge-of-a-nervous-breakdown Bracebridge Dinner!

Lorelai Gilmore: Hey mom, you didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?
Emily Gilmore: Could you be any cruder?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, I could be cruder. Hey mom, did you get lai...
Rory Gilmore: Thanks for coming!

Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. I am Magenta, Rory usually opts for Janet, and I had a thought.
Luke Danes: Oh yeah?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah. I was thinking that you could put on some fishnet stockings, a leather teddy, some platform boots, and go with us as Dr. Frank-N-Furter.
Luke Danes: Hmm. Well, now that is a thought.
Lorelai Gilmore: You'll also need some gloves and a wig.
Luke Danes: Gloves, wigs, got it.
Lorelai Gilmore: I'll do your makeup.
Luke Danes: Oh, that'll be a help.
Lorelai Gilmore: There you go.
Luke Danes: Okay, sounds great.
Lorelai Gilmore: Great. So eight o'clock, I'll swing around and get ya?
Luke Danes: Sure, good.
Lorelai Gilmore: Good.
Luke Danes: Oh hey, if by some chance you knock on the door but no one answers even though all the lights are on, I'll just meet you there.
Lorelai Gilmore: Okay.
Luke Danes: Okay.
Lorelai Gilmore: So I'll see you tomorrow morning?
Luke Danes: Yeah, I'll be the one with the coffee.

Lorelai Gilmore: Be sure to gloat a little, it's good for your skin.

Kirk Gleason: Well, I haven't done the exact estimate, but I'd say somewhere in the neighborhood of fifteen thousand dollars.
Lorelai Gilmore: Tell it to move to another neighborhood.

Rory Gilmore: One sec. You know Mom, I hate to bring this up, but I think there's a really obvious solution to our problem.
Lorelai Gilmore: I know hon.
Rory Gilmore: You do?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes. And frankly, I think if I sold you into white slavery, I would miss you.

Rory Gilmore: Okay, I get it, you're mad.
Lorelai Gilmore: Rory, I do not want to talk about this right now.
Rory Gilmore: You were just being stubborn.
Lorelai Gilmore: Go to bed.
Rory Gilmore: Well you didn't want to ask for help, so I did.
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, do you remember the conversation we had before we left this house tonight?
Rory Gilmore: Yes, but -.
Lorelai Gilmore: I told you going to my parents was not an option.
Rory Gilmore: I know, but -.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact, I told you several times that asking my parents was not an option. Now yes, I might have made a few quips to lighten the subject matter, but I still think I made my point pretty damn clear.
Rory Gilmore: Fine, but we have a real problem here.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, you think I don't know that? You think I sit around all day swapping witticisms with Robert Benchley at the Algonquin? No! I am thinking and worrying and using the computer and I hate using the computer!
Rory Gilmore: Which is exactly why I brought this up.
Lorelai Gilmore: You had no right to bring it up!
Rory Gilmore: Why?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because I told you not to, that's why!
Rory Gilmore: But -.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, there are no buts! There will be no buts here! There's 'I'm sorry Mom', there's 'I screwed up Mom', there's 'I'll never do it again Mom', but there are no buts!
Rory Gilmore: But -.
Lorelai Gilmore: Out!
Rory Gilmore: Mom!
Lorelai Gilmore: Go to bed. We're done.

Rory Gilmore: No, there was a meaning behind that huh. That was a loaded huh. That was not a normal huh. You meant to say something with that huh, and now you're taking it back.
Dean Forrester: Okay, now. . .
Rory Gilmore: Don't use that kind of huh if you're not prepared to defend it. Why aren't you saying anything?
Dean Forrester: Because words are a very dangerous thing right now.
Rory Gilmore: You were saying that I'm stubborn just like my mother.

Lorelai Gilmore: Luke, that's a loan.
Luke Danes: No, it's just a temporary exchange of money for services that will be paid back when you finally have the. . . it's a loan.
Lorelai Gilmore: Man, you suck as a liar. Thank you.
Luke Danes: You're welcome.
Lorelai Gilmore: I can't take it.
Luke Danes: I know, but it was worth a shot.

Lorelai Gilmore: No, and see, the reason for that is me. I have a pretty good track record for keeping you alive.

Lorelai Gilmore: I don't know what I would've done without your help. I mean it. I was out of ideas and then out of the blue you make this call and cosign the loan with me. I'm really, really grateful.
Emily Gilmore: Well, that almost sounded sincere.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, I should've left off one of the reallys. That always tips it.
Emily Gilmore: All right, I accept your apology.
Lorelai Gilmore: Thank you.
Emily Gilmore: By the way, I'm going to be having my DAR meetings at the inn from now on. I hope you don't mind.
Lorelai Gilmore: She's good.

Rory Gilmore: This is a cold, cold family.

Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, will you get me an extra bottle of champagne and smack me over the head with it?
Michel Gerard: Absolutely.

Paris Geller: Hey, where'd he come from? What's up there? Is that where you keep the girls? You got yourself a little cathouse up there?
Jess Mariano: Wow, I think she got you Uncle Luke. You better give up now.
Luke Danes: Do not add to this insanity.
Jess Mariano: An innocent boy like me should not be raised in an atmosphere like this.
Luke Danes: Jess!
Jess Mariano: I wanna be good, life's just not letting me.

Lorelai Gilmore: I don’t think I’ve ever loved you quite as much as I love you right now.
Rory Gilmore: Ah, ribs cracking, organs crushing.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, well, love hurts.

Richard Gilmore: Who's going to help Rory get into Harvard?
Lorelai Gilmore: Reese Witherspoon.

Lorelai Gilmore: I'm trying to think, uh, in what scenario this situation could be construed as positive.

Luke Danes: Just buy your own basket.
Lorelai Gilmore: I cannot buy my own basket.
Luke Danes: Why not?
Lorelai Gilmore: Because that is pathetic.
Luke Danes: And chasing me around my diner begging me to buy your basket?
Lorelai Gilmore: Also pathetic. But that is a pathetic I can live with, where that pathetic is a truly pathetic pathetic, and only you can save me from the double pathetic! Please!
Luke Danes: I can't believe I'm doing this.

Rory Gilmore: I’m not jumping in the lake.
Jess Mariano: No underwater dining, got it.

Jackson Melville: I think we should get married.
Sookie St. James: But... ah... but...
Jackson Melville: Soon.
Sookie St. James: Are you pregnant?

Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, well, my mother agreed with me tonight.
Rory Gilmore: I’m so sorry.
Lorelai Gilmore: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Lorelai Gilmore: This whole morning has been a little Twilight Zone-y.
Luke Danes: Or Outer Limits-y
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Luke Danes: Great show, just as eerie, same era but no one ever references it.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, I-I'm sorry, I don't speak geek.
Luke Danes: Yep, stepped right in it.

Rory Gilmore: Think fast! (tosses phone to Luke who catches it in mid-stride with no trouble)
Loralai Gilmore: Whoa, impressive! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Rory Gilmore: What?
Lorelai Gilmore: Goalie for the bagel-hockey team.
Rory Gilmore: And Bump Schmitty?
Lorelai Gilmore: Schmitty's over the hill, he's washed up, put him in Cooperstown. Suit up, Kid!
Luke Danes: Call me if anyone sane walks in.

Paris Geller: You're only doing 135 wpm.
Rory Gilmore: Wpm?
Paris Geller: Words per minute.
Rory Gilmore: Of course.
Paris Geller: That's slow.
Rory Gilmore: That's not slow.
Paris Geller: It's Jimmy Bob slow.
Rory Gilmore: I talk normally.
Paris Geller: For the average Willie Nelson roadie, yes, but not for a winning debate team member. As a comparison, I speak an average of 178 wpm.
Rory Gilmore: Okay, word speed isn't everything. Sometimes I will add a dramatic pause to prove a point, undercutting my wpm.
Paris Geller: Let's not harbor any picturesque fantasies here, Rory. We'll have scant minutes to make our arguments and we have to maximize our collective wpm.

Christopher Hayden: Uh, who’s Leonard?
Rory Gilmore: Oh, just a friend.
Christopher Hayden: A friend of yours or a friend of Lorelai’s?
Lorelai Gilmore: A mutual friend.
Rory Gilmore: Yeah, it’s pretty much equal.
Christopher Hayden: A mutual Leonard?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, we’re constantly fighting over him.

Luke Danes: You okay?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah.
Luke Danes: You don't seem your chipper self.
Lorelai Gilmore: I brought sparklers, I'll light them later and do some kicks.
Luke Danes: You know, if you want, I can clear the counter and you can play some bagel-hockey.
Lorelai Gilmore: You can't play bagel-hockey by yourself.
Luke Danes: I'll play with you, you'll have to explain the rules.
Lorelai Gilmore: It's okay. I'm just trying to recover from last night. It was one of those nights where you start off stepping in quicksand and end up with a sixteen ton anvil landing on your head.
Luke Danes: I've had plenty of those. I'll bring you some coffee.
Lorelai Gilmore: Can't hurt.

Lorelai Gilmore: Hey Luke, are you in there?
Luke Danes: Ow!
Lorelai Gilmore: Luke, are you okay?
Luke Danes: Stupid box! Stupid lamp!
Lorelai Gilmore: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?

Jess Mariano: Great, then we can hold hands and skip afterwards.

Lorelai Gilmore: Luke, Rachel’s not the only woman in the world for you. You'll meet someone, someday -- probably at a Timberland store, you'll ask her out. You'll pick her up and take her on a patented Luke Danes night of romance -- juice bar followed by the batting cages -- and then you'll ask her back to your aapartment.
Luke Danes: Any amount of money if you stop right now.
Lorelai Gilmore: You’ll bring her back to your place, lead her upstairs to the apartment door. You pause, gaze into her eyes – the stage is set, fate is waiting. You open the door, and she sees your teeny, tiny apartment – one room and no closet space and Jess' feet sticking up in the air ‘cause you never did get rid of that body!
Luke Danes: Stop, please.
Lorelai Gilmore: And to make matters worse, she spots it: the single bed.
Luke Danes: What's wrong with a single bed?
Lorelai Gilmore: You know what they say.
Luke Danes: No, what do they say?
Lorelai Gilmore: Never, ever date a guy who owns a single bed. It means he's not open to a commitment.
Luke Danes: What?
Lorelai Gilmore: It says there's no room in this life for anybody but me.
Luke Danes: No, it says there's no room in this bed for anyone but me.
Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, see, that's not a whole lot better.
Luke Danes: This discussion is now over.

Lorelai Gilmore: What, did you get all dressed in black and pull a mission impossible?
Jess Mariano: Actually I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Clause.

Lorelai Gilmore: That bracelet is the most precious thing she owns. She never takes it off, and your stealing it was unbelievably cruel.
Jess Mariano: The most precious thing she owns?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes.
Jess Mariano: If it's the most precious thing she owns, why did it take her two weeks to notice it was gone? You might want to reevaluate how madly in love she is. I wouldn't start calling him son yet.

Emily Gilmore: We intend to leave here completely different people.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, I'm going to be Ted Nugent.

Lorelai Gilmore: Mom, there’s no coffee.
Emily Gilmore: It won’t kill you to go two days without coffee, Lorelai.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, I think it will.

Paris Geller: We’re friends?
Rory Gilmore: I’m not sure if there is an exact definition for what we are, but I do think it falls somewhere in the bizarro friends-ish realm. Come on, stay.
Paris Geller: Okay. But if you’re doing all this so you can freeze my bra, I’ll kill you.
Rory Gilmore: Duly noted.

Lorelai Gilmore: Rory and I are best friends, Mom. We are best friends first and mother and daughter second, and you and I are mother and daughter always.
Emily Gilmore: I wasn’t taught to be best friends with my daughter.
Lorelai Gilmore: I know.
Emily Gilmore: I was taught to be a role model for my daughter.
Lorelai Gilmore: I know that, too.
Emily Gilmore: I did what I thought was right. I did what I thought I had to do to protect you, and because of this we have no relationship.

Lorelai Gilmore: I’ll have the house to myself tonight. Life’s funny, isn’t it?
Rory Gilmore: I simply cannot stop laughing.

Michel Gerard: That fellow's on the phone from the restaurant.
Lorelai Gilmore: Who?
Michel Gerard: The flannel man with the protruding ankles.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, Luke?
Michel Gerard: I forgot his name from the desk to here, that's how memorable he is.
Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, thank you.

Kirk Gelason: But, but – mine's a quarter caf.
Lorelai Gilmore: Huh?
Kirk Gleason: Three-fourths decaf, one-fourth caffeinated.
Lorelai Gilmore: I four-fourths don't care.

Taylor Doose: Late again, are we?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, I hope I’m not pregnant!
Taylor Doose: What?
Lorelai Gilmore: Are these seats taken?
Luke Danes: Don’t drag me into this.
Taylor Doose: You really have to work on your punctuality, Lorelai. I banged the meeting in a half an hour ago.
Lorelai Gilmore: Uh, dirty!

Lorelai Gilmore: Face it, Luke, people like you.
Luke Danes: Shut up.
Lorelai Gilmore: And with charm like that, how can they resist?

Luke Danes: Anywhere you want.
Lorelai Gilmore: Could you move please?
Customer: What?
Luke Danes: Anywhere where there’s not people.

Lorelai Gilmore: I’m gonna go with the special omelet.
Luke Danes: Okay.
Lorelai Gilmore: With a side of bacon.
Luke Danes: There’s bacon in the omelet.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, then skip the bacon.
Luke Danes: The side of bacon?
Lorelai Gilmore: The bacon in the omelet.
Luke Danes: Hold the bacon.
Lorelai Gilmore: Can I get Jack cheese?
Luke Danes: On the side?
Lorelai Gilmore: Instead of Swiss, Swiss is so stringy.
Luke Danes: Fine, Jack cheese.
Lorelai Gilmore: Also, I think I’m allergic to oregano so hold that, too, and some coffee.
Luke Danes: So, just the eggs, tomatoes, and Jack cheese.
Lorelai Gilmore: Not too many tomatoes.
Luke Danes: Light on the tomatoes.
Lorelai Gilmore: Very light, just a teeny-tiny amount, practically none.
Luke Danes: I’m skipping the tomatoes. It’s an omelet with Jack cheese.
Lorelai Gilmore: Perfect.
Luke Danes: You did this on purpose.

Michel Gerard: Good morning.
Sookie St. James: It sucks from where I'm sitting

Emily Gilmore: Next thing I know you'll be saying I need a psychiatrist!
Lorelai Gilmore: Too many comebacks. I cannot pick.

Dean Forrester: She likes Jess, doesn’t she?

Luke Danes: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
Jess Mariano: About twenty miles south of wherever you are.

Kirk Gleason: Ah, Lorelai, good. I need one minute of your time.
Lorelai Gilmore: I’ll give you two because you scare me.

Jess Mariano: Okay, well, I’ll be right over there when you are. I just can’t wait for that learning to begin. Hey, are we gonna do some of those Schoolhouse Rocks songs?
Rory Gilmore: I’ll be right there, Jess.
Jess Mariano: ‘Cause they say if you just make learning fun. . .
Lorelai Gilmore: Give us a minute, okay?
Jess Mariano: Well, hurry – a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Jess Mariano: Pick a card. [Rory throws the whole deck on the floor] Huh, well, that just made the trick a little bit harder.

Rory Gilmore: We're studying.
Jess Mariano: You're studying, I'm prying into your personal life.

Lorelai Gilmore: Hey, do you remember in Terms of Endearment, that scene where Shirley MacLaine is in the hospital and freaks out because they won’t give her daughter a shot? She got that from me and she toned it down a little. So, once again, I’m looking for my daughter, Rory Gilmore?

Luke Danes: What about Jess – is he hurt?
Lorelai Gilmore: No, Luke – Jess did the hurting. That little punk nephew of yours almost killed my kid tonight.

Lorelai Gilmore: Why didn’t you put a stop to it at the first sign of trouble? Why didn’t you make him leave?
Luke Danes: He’s my nephew. I had an obligation to take him in, I had an obligation to care for him.
Lorelai Gilmore: You had an obligation to this town and to me and to Rory. Where are you going?
Luke Danes: I have to find out where Jess is.
Lorelai Gilmore: Well, I’ll tell you where he’s not – he’s not in the emergency room having him arm plastered up!
Luke Danes: Hey, I am sorry about Rory. You know I care more about her than I do myself, but at least you know where Rory is and at least you know that she’s okay. Now, I have to find Jess and I have to make sure that he’s okay, and if that cuts into your screaming time, well that’s just too damn bad!
Lorelai Gilmore: Go to hell!
Luke Danes: Right back at ya!

Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, you’ve got your TV, you’ve got your books, your magazines, your refreshments, you have your CD player, your assorted CDs. Stan Freberg, Ash, you have your Sinead O’Connor – because when life really gets you down, Sinead’s really the one to teach you some perspective. You have a pad of paper in case you decide to write the great American novel. And over here you have a tiny but annoying bell in case there’s something here that you need but you don’t have and you want to summon the common but lovely house wench who will promptly leave her talking mice and come to fetch the Contessa whatever she may require.

Lorelai Gilmore: Look, I was upset, he was upset, we had a thing, it's over, everything's fine.
Rory Gilmore: A thing?
Lorelai Gilmore: A thinglet, if you will.
Rory Gilmore: You and Luke don't have thinglets very often.

Lorelai Gilmore: Look, I'm giving these paper-topped turkey heads 3 seconds to seat us, or I swear I'm gonna start...
Waitress: Two?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, please!
Rory Gilmore: You're gonna what?
Lorelai Gilmore: What?
Rory Gilmore: You said you were gonna do something if somebody didn't seat us in 3 seconds
Lorelai Gilmore: I did?
Rory Gilmore: Yes, you did. And then the waitress came and you never finished saying what you were gonna do.
Lorelai Gilmore: Honey, we've gotta get some food into you, you're imagining things!
Rory Gilmore: What were you gonna do?
Lorelai Gilmore: Shh, you're getting screwy!
Rory Gilmore: Mom!
Lorelai Gilmore: Mom? I'm not your mom, do you need help little girl?
Rory Gilmore: Oh my God!

Lorelai Gilmore: Luke’s is closed this morning.
Michel Gerard: By the health inspector, no doubt.

Lorelai Gilmore: what’s his job?
Emily Gilmore: He’s a consultant.
Lorelai Gilmore: Meaning?
Emily Gilmore: Your father is an international insurance consultant.
Lorelai Gilmore: Yeah, yeah, but what exactly does that mean?
Emily Gilmore: He consults on matters relating to international insurance.
Lorelai Gilmore: Wait, wait – when Dad goes to his new office, he sits down and he. . .
Emily Gilmore: Consults with international clients on insurance matters.

Lorelai Gilmore: Well, you can’t not have a pointman ‘cause then what’s the point?

Rory Gilmore: Oh, right, Jess is the antichrist, I forgot. He wanted to get into an accident. He was looking for something to hit because he’s a murderer with a death wish and he wanted to kill us both, right?
Lorelai Gilmore: I know you think that Jess is your friend, but he’s not. He is a completely out of control, really angry kid who has no respect for Luke, who has no respect for me. . .
Rory Gilmore: It was an accident!
Lorelai Gilmore: And he was driving!
Rory Gilmore: So, what, no matter what I say, you’re just gonna choose to blame Jess?
Lorelai Gilmore: Yes, I choose to blame Jess.
Rory Gilmore: Just because you hate him?
Lorelai Gilmore: That’s right! I’m sorry, but when my daughter comes home broken I get to hate the guy who broke her. That’s how it works. He’s gone, I win. You are wearing a cast and I get to hate him forever!

Lorelai Gilmore: I just had this image of thirty-five businessmen, six servers, one pointman all leaning up against that wall with glasses to their ears.
Rory Gilmore: I don’t think they needed the glasses.
Lorelai Gilmore: We’ve got good lungs, you and I.

Rory Gilmore: Luke?
Luke Danes: Yeah?
Rory Gilmore: It wasn’t his fault.
Luke Danes: I know it wasn’t.

Lorelai Gilmore: I despise academics. Yup, learning, knowledge, it's all worthless. I have no idea in what you see in any of it.
Rory Gilmore: Learning is fun, plus for me there's that whole "I'm a minor so it's mandatory" thing.
Lorelai Gilmore: That's what kills me – this is self-inflicted. I'm a masochist. I might as well be carrying a switch and periodically lacerating myself with it.

Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, I'm so excited! Isn't this exciting?
Man: I've been doing this for eight years.
Lorelai Gilmore: Oh. Not so exciting for you, then.

Rory Gilmore: And in return, I just might show you my withering stare.
Jess Mariano: I'm a lucky man.

Rory Gilmore: Note to self: Impulsive definitely does not work for me.

Lorelai Gilmore: Stop. Why did you go to New York?
Rory Gilmore: To see Jess.
Lorelai Gilmore: Boy, do you know how to bury the lead.

Lorelai Gilmore: Okay, look, nobody wants to say this any less than me, but I - maybe you don't have a medical condition or a mental problem. Maybe, honey, you are falling for Jess.

Lorelai Gilmore: Huh. You know what I just realized? Oy is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory Gilmore: Huh.
Lorelai Gilmore: I mean, think about it. You never hear the word oy and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Oh, dear God.
Lorelai Gilmore: Poodle is another funny word.
Emily Gilmore: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
Lorelai Gilmore: In fact, if you put oy and poodle together in the same sentence, you’d have a great new catch phrase, you know? Like, oy with the poodles already. So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catch phrase.
Rory Gilmore: Oy with the poodles already.
Lorelai Gilmore: I’m telling you, it’s knocking ‘whatcha talking ‘bout, Willis?’ right out of first place.
Emily Gilmore: Lorelai, for God’s sake, be quiet.

Lorelai Gilmore: Oh, stop this robot talk. If you’re mad, just act like you’re mad at me.
Luke Danes: I’m not mad at you.
Lorelai Gilmore: You’re being really, really unfair. Rory was in the hospital.
Luke Danes: Lorelai, what is it exactly that you want me to do? I’m not mad, I’m not holding a grudge, I heard your apology, I feel I’m being polite, I listened to your donut bit, I got you your coffee. What would make you happy?
Lorelai Gilmore: I want Luke back.
Luke Danes: He’s standing right here.
Lorelai Gilmore: No, he’s not.

Rory Gilmore: Thank you. What are you doing here?
Jess Mariano: I moved back.
Rory Gilmore: What?
Jess Mariano: I moved back.
Rory Gilmore: But – what – why?
Jess Mariano: Just wanted to.
[Rory kisses him]
Rory Gilmore: Oh my God! Oh my God!
Jess Mariano: Rory.
Rory Gilmore: Don’t say a word!

Back To Quotes