Ruined Forever

By: Cheryl

I lay awake at night thinking about her. Thinking about her clear blue eyes and soft hair. Thinking about how much she hurt me. I love her so much, why doesn’t she love me in return? I understand what she said, about her mother, but “I love you” doesn’t mean sex. They are just words. Just words.

It hurts more now. Knowing that she is no longer with me hurts more than not hearing her say those words in reply to me. Deep down I don’t know why I broke up with her, Rory, my first love. But Rory is more than my first love, I want her to be my only love, but there is no chance now. Why did I? Why did I break up with her? Even when I dared to speak those words, deep down, in the pit of my stomach, I did not expect a reply.

I have always learned that people fall in love at different times in their lives, but now I really know it. I understand it. I had a chance with Rory and I ruined in a moment of rash decisions and erupting emotions. I loved her and now I am all alone with out her. Its not that I just want her, I need her, and I need her with me now.

Sometimes I pass by her house, or see her through the window of Luke’s Diner. I wonder what she is doing. How she is doing. How she feels, does she miss me? Does she want me back so badly that she feels like someone has stabbed her in the gut? Or is that just me? Is that just how I feel?

Even now as I lay in my bed desperately trying to fall asleep, I know that the worst part of all this is that I will never get her back and it is all my fault. If I hadn’t gotten lost in my emotions and expected an instant reply or if I had just calmed myself down and listened to her. Listened to what she had to say. Would I be here right now? Would I be here, knowing that I have ruined things with Rory forever? The hardest part is knowing that I wouldn’t. It’s knowing that if I had been a better boyfriend, if I had listened, we would have never broken up. We would be as happy as ever right now working towards our 4th month anniversary.