All these words decribe how I feel. I can't help it and I can't change it. I wish I could.
Above all these things I feel sorry. I'm sorry because I hurt the only person sho loves me and who ever loved me. I hurt the person I care about the most. He will never even begin to comprehend how sorry I am. I love him so much. I always will and nothing will ever change that. For the rest of my life I will compare every person I know to him. And for the rest of my life I will regretwhat I did. You know who you are and I am truely, deeply sorry, and I still love you.
"Nunc scio quit sit amor."
Lat., "Now I know what love is."
-Virgil
7/1/02 Well, I've lost him. We are offically broken up. Now all I want to do is die. I still live him and I wish he could give ma a second chance. I don't know what to do with myself. I only hope he feels the way I feel inside also. Not that I want him to hurt, but so that maybe we could try to work it out. As of our break up we had been oging out 8 months and a day. How can that be ripped apart in two seconds. I wish I had never do it.
I still love you!
7/8/02 Well we are over for sure now. There is no way we will get back together unless we meet again in the distant future. All that there is to do now is move on. He's moving on, so why can't I? It might have gotten to the point where hurt has turned to hate. I don't know. Someone help me...
8/9/02 All I feel now is hate and pain. And me using hate is a bad thing because i don't hate anyone. He has hurt me more in the last week than anyone has in my entire life. No one could hurt me like he has. I have no feelings for him anymore. He effects me not. Nothing he says effects me anymore. He doesn't hurt me now. I could care less. Well I think of him or see a picture of him all I can think is "What a jerk." And while I'm at dreaming, I'd like a pony...
10/7/02 I still hurt. But what can you say? When you loved someone that much and for that long I don't think you're going to get over them that soon. Its been 3 months and 7 days. It seems like forever and like yesterday all rolled in to one. Hey I don't have to make sense to you, only to myself. And if you are reading this, I thank you.
11-6-02:It has been 4 months and some odd days, I think. I stopped counting. Actually I don't really care anymore. When it hit the 3 month mark I really stopped hurting. I happy now. I never thought it possible. Not to mention I'm interested in someone new. He is my friend; has been for a while. I really like him. We have alot in common. I hope something will come of it. He really makes me happy. We talk on the phone just about every night. We've been like that for about 2 weeks. He's nice to me. Really nice. And he is helping me care about me first before I worry about changing to make others happy. I thank him.
11-16-02: My cat died today. The new guy, we got together. It's been one week and a day today. Unfortunatly I fell in love with him and now we're broken up. I hurt so bad. I really loved him. We had so much in common. I thought everything would be better now. I was wrong. I'm ment to be alone. I don't know what went wrong. I hurt everyone I touch. Pulus, his website says he loves someone else and it's not me. I hurt so bad. I thought he could last for a long time, maybe even forever. I'm never leaving myself open for this kind of hurt again. I thought it would be ok that fall head over heels, you'd think I would know better. I didn't think I woul fall this hard this soon. Got any advice, email me.
11-16-02: Me again. Ok he says the love thing was a figure of speech so I'm going to try to believe him because I love him. Now I'm only hurting him. Maybe I should have kept my guard up. If you're reading this, baby, I love you. Yes, I love him, and I will dont anything to get him back. I want him back. But the only thing I can do is move on. The faster I move on the better I suppose. What should I do??
11-25-02 I feel better now. I know he loves me and that I love him and that's ok. I'll talk later.
12-01-02: He hates me now. I pissed him off too much. I am sad. Unfortunatly there is nothing I can do. Maybe He will forgive me. You think I would be the hurt mad one but for some reason he is. Oh well. Time wounds all heals. All I want is my best friend back. Never date your best friend. E-mail if you know what I should do.
12-3-02: I am throughly convinced he likes someone else, which is actually kind of good because I can deal with that. On the other hand it was fun...while it lasted. I have completely given up on dating. If someone falls in my lap, so be it. I'm not going to put out the extra energy only to get hurt. Oh well. In other news I did see an old pick of the other guy I dated (read about him above) and man was it one of the funniest things I've seen! I should scan it into my computer and put it here for you all (if there is even anyone) to see. But then I'd be tempted to give you his name on FaceTheJury. Hmmm... The wheels are turning. I'm going to try to update this page frequently and possibly build a better page to put all this. I'll keep you posted. I don't what brought this all on. On another note my friend might be getting married and I might get to marry them, who knows. I should probably give you all more information on myself but as of now my sister needs to use the computer so I will see you later.
12-4-02: From not on I am not posting anything more about the current guy I have been talking about that I didn't hear straight from him. I took things out of context and I should have found out the whole truth first. I apologize to him.
I talked to the guy, I don't want to give a name, but i told him I wouldn't talk to him for a week and then he could IM in a week to say if he wanted to talk. Unfortunatly it seemed as though he did not understand what exactly I meant. So, just in case he stops by here, I am going to explain. I meant that I would not contact him and I set the one week time to give myself something to look forward to to keep me through the time it takes. Because, after all he was my very best friend and I don't want to lose that. What I meant in that at the end of the week he could IM and tell is that he can talk to me if he wished but I won't talk to him since I promised I wouldn't until he was ready. So if you do read this, IM me in a week so I can have a time to ''look forward to''. Then you can have another week if you need to and you can leave another message at the end of that one. Just so I don't feel so bad which, I know is selfish but hey what can I do, just forget. I think not. Anyway boys and girls I am off to bed and the guy; I hope you stop by here and read this to understand what I meant. Nighty night.
12-5-02: I was thinking last night, and a little bit today, I really am no sure why we decided not to speak for a while. I know why he is mad now, but I don't know why he was mad at first which caused the arguement. I wish I knew. On another note I think people are very strange. Strange and hipocritical. I already denounced me humanism but I wish I was a cat... I've just decided I don't care anymore. Geeze, I must be a really bad person. By the way, be careful, we are on high alert; not that that is anything new but I don't want anyone to get hurt. Bye for now. Oh, at least I know one person reads my site. Bye!
12-6-02: Okay, it's over between the guy and me. I don't care anymore. And if he really hates me so much, he can STOP READING MY FUCKING SITE!. He can stop talking to me and he can stay out of my life, I really don't care. It doesn't matter anymore. He can think what he wants. On to another topic. I'm thinking about starting one of those online diaries instead of this. I think it would be kool. If I do I will link to there from here. Not like ther is anyone realing anyway but it's still fun to pretend. It's kind of like I have an online therapist. Damn there is so much lag here right now. The format to the site might change a bit but you'll get used to it if you stick with it. And, quite possibly, I may start a site about pencil sex. Talk to ya'll later. Bye!
12-29-02: Well i tried the diary thing, I'm not to fond of it. Oh well. I decided to change the format of my site, what do you think? E-mail me about it, I don't have to know who you are, just title your email 'web pager reader' then it's all good. I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I'm kind of desparate. Well not desparate, more lonely. I want someone to hold as I fall asleep. But don't we all? :-P I'm going to put up my school picture here for a little while so don't miss it; and don't laugh, I may not be the best thing to look at but I've seen worse. I hate it when you go to a site or something and you think the person is really kool but then you see the picture and you have to physical attraction to them. Wouldn't it be nice if our inner beauty was reflected on the outside? I'm watching ''You've Got Mail'' so I'm all in they typing mood. Anyway, things are ok I guess; they could be better but they could be worse so i'll just take it as it is. I wish I had a guestbook so you all could sign it. If you know how to put one on here, email me or instant message me. Talk to you later. Bye!
12-31-02: Hey ya'll, I got a new screen names, check it out. Happy new year! I'll talk later.
1-3-03: I hate my friends. They are crap. Well not all of them; but most of them. So why do I hang out with them? Because I've got no where else to go. I'd rather be surrounded by morons then be alone I guess. God damnit. I want to meet new friends. Is that so hard to ask. I guess so. I'm so pathetic. New Years was crap. Jenna and Jena just used me so they could go somewhere else and have sex. No to mention, the guy Jena fooled around with is dating somone. Jesus Christ. I'm gonna go. Prying eyes.
1-6-03: How is it that the people that piss you off the most can be your friends? I really don't like my friends right know. I think they're all pretty much immoral bastards. Most of the things they do make me sick. And yet they don't even notice. They're too busy worrying about their own pathetic existence. I'd kill for someone to talk to. Bye.
1-8-03: Wow someone besides me signed my guestbook. Oh yeah, I have one now. Please, sign it!! Only I don't know who signed it. Ah who cares, I just glad someone reads this thing. I'mnot quite sure what they meant by what they said but that’s ok. Maybe they wanted it like that. They wanted to mkae a point but didn't want to explain it because they didn't want to get involved or they didn't want who they were to be found out.
I don't like my friends. Me and Mr. B kind of talked about it. I plan on going into it more when he's not so busy. (He was getting ready for a class.) He said I should get new friends and that it should be easy because of....I forgot. Something about me being nice or whatever. I think he thinks I'm more than I am. If you haven't noticed I don’t think very highly of myself.
I miss my babies (pets). Why do things have to die. I mean I know why they die but its still sad.
Lately I've been ready to go to bed early, I've gotten my work done and stuff, but I don't want to go to bed. Maybe its because I don't like waiting to go to sleep. You think the most when you're alone and while you're falling asleep your most alone. I want someone to sleep with. Just sleep. I don't want to go to bed alone anymore. Last night I was thinking of the qualities I want the person I'm going to be with to have.
[Continued in next column]
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I wish there was someone answer all the questions I have in my head. Somehow, throughout my life I got it ingrained in my head that I shouldn't ask people for help; that I shouldn't talk to people about my problems. No matter what I do I can never bring myself to do it. I reached out once a little while back. That was a mistake. Now someone is out there that knows some of my secrets and I don't know what they might do with them. Somewhere I also got it ingrained that crying in front of people is bad. And I don't mind that one. If you let people see you cry they know your weak. It allows them to know your weaknesses and then they can bush all the right buttons. I hate it when my friends cry in school. I have nothing to say to them when they do. I don’t know how to make them feel better because I think that they are wrong by crying in public.
I know I was going somewhere with that but I forgot and Had to fix the page. Since I added the guest book it changed all this stuff so now it might be harder to update my page. Oh well maybe this will make it better. Bye!
1-10-03: Hey. Since I don't have anything better to do, here I am. I really hate my parents sometimes. John lets himself be pushed around by Mom. Dad doesn't give a damn and he forces us to go to a church that isn't anywhere near our religions. Mom shows more affection to Jessie and Tom only because Kathy is a bad parent, she ignores us half the time and she puts my stupid annoying sisters ahead of me even when Meaghan yells at her and pisses her off. In fact she'll just blame it on me or take it out on me. But who am I to say anything. After all.... I'm just like my father.
1-12-03: I really don't like Jessie sometimes. All she's been doing is making the grown-ups fight. Grrr........
1-14-03: Good morning boys and girls! Today's question-of-the-day is:
Should a person compromise their ideals in order to find a partner.
What do you think? Sign my guestbook and let the world know of your opinion.
So how is everyone? I've been better. I was about to make a positive step in my life but unfortunatly they fired all but one of the counseller at or school. (Not including guidence ''counsellers'') The only one left is a woman in here early thirties and I've already been with her before. In 8th grade in an all girls group thing. I don't want someone who I have a history with. But I guess that is out of the question. So I'm screwed. Anyway I've lost my train of thought. Bye.
1-19-03: Congratulations to all those who participated in the various demostrations around the world against President Bush's war on Iraq. I salute you. Althought I was not able to attend I have made it a point to do my part to stop this unnecessary war before it starts. Actually I had an idea for a club at school pending support and permission.
In response to my "Mystery Guestbook Signer", I say to you:
Its so easy to talk shit behind the safety of a computer isn't it? You little entry made so much sense, you might want to try checking your typing first next time. Good job keeping anonymous. Real mature. If you don't like what I have to say don't read it, its really not that hard...
Bye ya'll!
1-27-03: Good evening. I lost one of my charms on my watch today but I replaced it with my friendship necklace charm between me, Natalie and my sister.
I had my physics midterm today. I totally bombed that! I was ready to cry during it. Plus I saw Chris, the last guy I dated. That sucked. Of course my 'friend' Krystal didn't mind until she got everything she could possibly say about her family or her stupid boyfriend out in one breath. Some friend. Then my mom yelled at me the whole way home then swore on the phone to John about me then cried about something to do with me and giving up and stuff. Some day. Plus I haven't had sex with anyone in about 7 months. Yep 7 months. And thats not what I really care about its the physical contact with another human being. Well there was Chris but that doesn't really count for some reason. Of course just by saying that I come of is a nymphomatic ho or something. Oh well, I'm sure some people would say its true.
My back really hurts, goodnight. Until next time!
1-28-03: I feel I have to elaborate on what I said yesterday. Yes, I have had contact but I all happened in a weird way. It was too fast. Way too fast. I had more to say on the issue but I guess I forgot it.
Did everyone see the State of the Union Address? It was ok for the first part of it. God I hate Bush. I don't want him to die because thats not me, but I think he should be kidnapped until the end of time. Kept nice and happy, just away.
I took an inkblot test on Emode.com, here are my results:
didi, your unconscious mind is driven most by Peace
You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.
You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.
Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.
Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.
Did you know?
People who have unconscious minds driven by peace tend to be independent thinkers who often prefer to live by their own high personal standards and moral code.
Well, there you go. I'm off for the night. Goodnight and stay safe.
2-7-03: I don't really have anything to say I just thought I'd give an update.
We had an ecology meeting today. It was a waste of time. Nobody did anything. I tried to day some of the ideas we came up with at the last meeting and no one payed attention, so I stopped. After they realized I wasn't talking they got interested. But what can I say, I have that effect on people.
i was watching 'Signs' a little while ago and I was thinking to myself, if some big disaster happened and all the sudden I was going to be hurt or die, what god would I call out to. The christan god or my God and Goddess? It's a puzzlement.
That's a good movie; the King and I. I like it. Good music. I don't know what else to say that anyone would be interested in. I did all my test corrections for physics with John and I think I'm going to get them all right. And I did last nights homework and I just might get a 10 out of 10 for once. I also have a strange attraction to my physics teacher. I mean he hates me and makes my life miserable whenever I'm in that class and he's not even that good looking and yet I'm attracted to him. Hmmmmm. Well not really attracted, I'd just fuck him. If thats a difference. I'm probably just horny. But if you haven't been touched in months. Well I'm going to go. Bye bye and take care.
2-9-03: My dad wants the address to my web page. Oh like that's going to happen. My moms birthday is Tuesday and Johns is Saturday. John might come into my physics class Friday. Won't that be awkward for Mr. Allen. Hehehehe.
I can't get my brain to sleep. So I came online. Good job.
Why is it everyone likes my family but they don't like me. It's disturbing. I need to be with someone. Anyone, even if its for one night. Ok that makes more sense in my head so I'm not going to bother explaining it.
When I move out I'm going to set up a big shrine to Kuan-Yin and Buddha to mediate and pray in from of. Like Hannah's dad has kind of. And I'm going to make my alter much beter so I can pray infront of it. I need a focal point to pray I think. Damned Catholic upbringing. Oh well, I can't think of anything else to say. Goddess Bless!
2-18-03: Goodmorning all! Well actually it's afternoon but ya know.
I had weird dreams last night about my old neighborhood. It was kind of sad. I cried in it because part of it got torn down. I also keep dreaming about my old house and the little garden we had. I dreamed about lilacs and hyacinths. They smelled so good. I want to buy hyacinth oil. I think that just might be my favorite flower/smell.
I'm breaking out. Joy. It's times like this I wish I was a hermit. But oh well, eventually it will go away.
Someone IMed me last night claiming to be in physics with me. Of course they wouldn't give me their name. I think it was my sisters pulling my leg. Or my parents. Oh well.
I have yahoo messanger by the way. I'll add it on for you. But for now I'm going to go. Bye all!
2-19-03: Great I'm running out of room on this page. No I have to figure out what to do next. This might be tricky. I wanted to write last night but it felt wrong to do so. Ok here I got trying to make this work...
[Continued on next page]
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