From the people who want to keep you Informed. |
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Well happy Short-Green-Guy Month! We had to take a leave for Feburary, because we got too close to the truth. I was walking the streets looking for a fresh cesaer salad when suddenly I heard "klop, klop, klop" and a loud "Bang!" and a more accelerated "klop, klop, klop". It was an Amish drive-by shooting, and it's target was me! Fortunately the bullet passed through my coat and hit the short green guy selling me the salad. Well here I am now and Im still commited to getting you the news via my informants. Have a good month and read on.
 
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| Presidental Campaign 2000 Begins! [Again] |
EXCLUSIVE-- The GkM is ready and determined to support it's choice canidate. Yes, the universaly loved, the enviromentally and electronically safe, the all powerful Al Gore. Yes the presidental canidate adopted by the GkM. Infact we love him so much that we sent him a card expressing our backing and complete satifaction in the issues he stands for. His stunning quasi-leadership as vice president and innovator of the internet proves his ability to take on the world. There is only one problem. He's so incredibly boring! The only thing interesting about Gore is the fact that his last name doesnt spell anything when the words are switched about except "Ogre". His speeches have put many to sleep, infact one man fell into such a deep trance that doctors are studing the effects as a viable means of hibernation for interstellar flight. Gore [left] shows senior citizens of Miami a microphone, while he [right] shows off the length of something still undetermined.  Back to Contents |
| Reno's "Foreign Affair" |
 
PRESS RELEASE-- Janet Reno, Attoney General of the United States, is up to something. We have reliable sources that have confirmed that she "floats around the office as if on a layer of air." We happen to believe that Reno is indeed "on" air, cigar air to be precise. Reno along with her NSSS (Not-So Secret Service) have booked 28 flights in black heliocopters into Havana, Cuba over the next 12 days. The evidence Informant #666 uncovered before being brutally killed by creatures one can only dream of, was comprehensive. A comb was found in Reno's hotel suite and analyzed for DNA identification, although the initial tests verified the DNA as a sliver-back ape, a re-test showed that it was indeed Castro's hair. Furthermore 26 out of 42 witnesses said that they had seen Castro and Reno in the Hotel de' Com'yie sauna together, yes a disturbing visual I know but some-what verified. Rumour has it that the Cuban boy was actually genetically linked to both of these love birds, but we'll have to leave that to speculation for the present.
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| Amish Dwarf Gene Discovered | |
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| Regis: Friend or Foe? | |
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INFORMANT #473 -- Regis Philbin, from the hit game show, "Who Wants to be a Millionare?", masquerades as a game show host while actually supplying funds and secret plans from the Mormon Opressive Army to the Amish Resistance via coded trivia questions. Regis "receives" these plans covertly from his twin sister, Janet Reno, who is in league with the MOA. I recieved this information from Regis' co-host on "Live with Regis and Kathy Lee". Lee who despises Regis and wishes to ruin his career, along with his life. Also information from Mrs. Lee has confirmed the suspicions that the ABC network covertly supports the Amish while openly supporting the Mormons. Apparently Lee's departure from the morning show is connected to this information leak, but Lee was quoted to say, "They will pay for this. Even if I have to go at them like two dogs and a blade of grass ambushing the next mail truck to drive by!" We're not sure what the blade of grass has to do with anything, the dogs are an obvious manifestation of contempt and bitterness.
| McCain for President of the Leprechauns 2000! |
INFORMANT #1 -- After his blazing defeat in the primaries for the US Presidentcy, John McCain is running for the independant party calling themselves "The Tough Leprechauns" or "The Tough Leppers" for short. Apparently McCain and the "Leppers" haven't caught on to what thier nickname actually insinuates. Never-the-less McCain is determined to split the republican vote using his new party. He has began campaigning in heavily Irish populated areas and has personally finaced the pro-IRA plan here in America counter-acting what little influance the President has in the current Irish peace talks abroad. The Tough Leppers' main plan of attack towards the non-Irish voters is to reach them throgh the media, more specifically through the 2000 Oscars. It is rumored that McCain himself is responsible for the disappearances of the Oscar statues. We'll keep you informed.
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| Russian leader exposed as a Vodka-based Robot. |
Special Report by the JRD's House O' JavaMOSCOW, RUSSIA-- Nearly everyone who was waiting for the world to crash on New Years of 2000 heard the news of Boris Yeltsin resigning as Russia's president and turning the office over to Vladimir Putin. It was viewed by many as a well chosen, symbolic, moment for the ailing Yeltsin to pass the reins of power. Boris Yeltsin is not what he appears. He is actually a mechanical being - an android - made to look and act human. He, and many Russian leaders are androids which seem to use Vodaka for fuel, much as a car uses gasoline. It is unknown where these androids came from, although there is some suspicion that they are part of an alien run project based in Area 51. Unfortunately the Boris Yeltsin model android was not Y2K compliant. On New Years of 2000 Boris would instead believe it would was New Years of 1900. He would proclaim himself Csar of Russia and rule for 17 years before he would be killed by Communist revolutionaries. My sources indicate that the builders of the Yeltsin-android didn't want this to happen so they upgraded to the Vladimir Putin model which is Y2K compliant. I will bring you more information as my unnamed sources provide it. Back to Contents |
| Pokémon, or is it Pokéamish? | |
  "Pikamish" [subtle differences] | Special Report by the Beaver County Militia By now I'm sure you've heard of the Pokémon craze sweeping this nation. I'm sure those of you that have kids, are well aware of it. I personally don't see what the appeal is. Crudely drawn characters with silly names like Pikachu. But the kids seem to love them. I thought at first that I would forbid my own children from having these foreign, time wasting, money eating, little things. But I do remember my own childhood, and I decided to monitor this thing, but allow it. I figured, let it run it's course as did the "Ninja Turtles", and "Power Rangers" and the like. About now you are probably wondering why I am even spending my energy to even mention this when there are more urgent and pressing needs. Well, as it always does, big surprises come in little packages. It seems the UN/NWO/Amish alliance is using the Pokémon craze to seduce the young into their mindset. How? you ask. With their own version, slipped into the millions of cards that are out there. I found amongst my own children's cards, a counterfeit version called "Pokéamish". Complete with the little, lovable "Pikamish"!!Look carefully at the spelling...Pick AMISH!...subliminal message. Very confusing isn't it. Especially when you are a parent. You would never know the difference, and neither would your kids. But you must be aware of what your kids are doing. When I found my son's cards and explained what was going on, he didn't want to hear it. I had to forcibly take the cards from him and even physically restrain him as he got angry. He yelled and screamed and stomped and kicked and broke a lamp and finally came at me with his "Lil Militiaman" hunting/self-defense/Y2K bowie knife. I disarmed him, which was no easy feat, as he is 19 years old. After we had brought him back from the hospital with his arm set and in a cast, he realized it was for his own good and thanked me for doing what I did. Well let me tell you, that brought tears to my eyes, as I knew I raised this boy right.Back to Contents |
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