Words Get in the Way ~ [The Pig Pen]

Words Get in the Way

Koshino stared at the wall of his room, his gaze blank. He stared, not really seeing the bulletin board with various pictures tacked into the surface. Thin red stripes marred his smooth, pale cheeks, and his brown-gray eyes bloodshot, all the evidence someone needed to draw the conclusion that he'd been crying.

He sniffled, his nose horribly clogged. Without thought he reached for a tissue, knowing that it wouldn't help much. Force of habit, he supposed, throwing the tissue away. How long had he been sitting here, lost in thought that went around in circles, words and pictures swirling madly through his head with no discernable pattern? Images flashed through his mind, mostly of this past disastrous week, but some old memories snuck in as well. Though they were happier thoughts, they wrenched at his heart and made tears well once more.

He never cried. But he supposed there was a first time for everything. And in his opinion this was as good a reason as any to start. He felt the knot in his throat tighten and twin droplets of salty water fell from his eyes, trailing down his cheeks and collecting at his chin to fall to his lap, onto his jeans. He continued to stare, his eye focusing and unfocusing all at once.

A memory of a time when he was happier flashed through his mind.

It's been maybe a month ago, and his relationship with Sendoh was still fresh in his mind, new, something to revel in. Though he came off as cold, distant, and angry most of the time, around Sendoh he felt he didn't have to throw up his walls and hide behind a facade. Akira had managed to find the true Hiroaki, buried beneath the sarcastic, cutting comments and harsh glares. It had hurt, when his defense had crumbled, but what he got in return, the warm, accepting feeling, made it almost worth it. Sendoh was not afraid to love Koshino, not afraid to let it show even when they were in public. He had given Koshino so much love that at times he thought his heart would burst.

The memory was as vivid as the time it had taken place. He could feel the cool rush of the breeze as the he stood on the roof of the school, feel his shirt pulling back, fluttering. Most of all, he could feel the presence beside him, the smiling companion that looked at him as if Koshino's smile meant the world to him. The reason for them to be standing on the roof escaped Koshino's mind, but he knew it wasn't important. The important part was when Sendoh had turned and grasped Koshino's hand gently, pulling a blue tulip from seemingly nowhere. It was almost the exact shade of Akira's eyes, and Koshino stared first at the soft petals, then at Sendoh, not understanding what the gift meant.

Akira hadn't answered when Koshino asked about it either, merely traced the soft petals against Koshino's lips and grinned sweetly, leaning forward and kissing his forehead.

"You know, flowers are different from most things. They start out as something small, a tiny seed with life booming from inside. It hides in the seed for the longest time, and only until it receives the right treatment does it's true self break free and bloom."

Koshino got the gist of what he was saying and cuffed Sendoh gently, his smile drawing up on one side. Sendoh had only smiled broadly and tucked the smooth stem into Koshino's hand, his fingers tracing Hiroaki's knuckles.

Koshino felt more tears slide down his eyes as a newer, harsher memory appeared. This one was brief, but even that was like the glint and stab of a knife into his chest.

I realize you're seeing someone new

Sendoh walking away from the basketball court, slinging his workout bag over his shoulder, a girl at his side where Hiroaki had once been, her slender arms wrapping around his waist. She was sickeningly cute, with curly black hair that framed her round face nicely, and shocking gray eyes. She giggled and pressed closer to Sendoh as they left, and before they were out of sight Hiroaki had seen Sendoh's hand fall to her shoulder.

I don't believe she knows you like I do.

*Aitsume!* Koshino's face, which had been blank for so long, twisted into a sneer as his fist met with the wall. *She's so wrong for him! She's...she doesn't even know him!* He swiped angrily at the tears on his cheeks and chin, growling deeply. Now that he had emotions running through him once more, they all were so powerful and uncontrolled that Hiroaki was scared and restless. He surged up and began pacing his room, thinking about Sendoh and his new girlfriend.

Your temperamental moody side,

the one you always try to hide from me.

Koshino punched the wall, enjoying the feeling of pain surging up from his wounded knuckles. Sendoh had always acted like the world didn't bother him, always smiling and laughing, rarely letting other people see beneath it. Koshino and the team had seen him after their match with Shohoku, which they lost. He'd been upset, and almost inconsolable. But there was even more to him than that. Koshino had once seen him, only once, when he was angry. When he'd been so angry that he'd acted on it, out of character but it still happened.

About a week after they started dating, Sendoh found out that his father had been cheating on his mother for over a year. His father had been talking about it with one of his guy friends, and Sendoh had overheard. Koshino had been over there at the time, and watched as Sendoh turned ghastly pale then angry red. His eyes flashed dangerously, but then, instead of going in there and confronting his father, he'd gone to his room and started throwing things. His temper flared, briefly, but long enough for him to trash his room and catch his father's attention. Koshino had actually been scared of Sendoh then, with his blue eyes flashing like ice, picking things up and slamming them into a wall, tipping dressers and beds over, screaming nonsense at the top of his lungs. He dared not try to stop him, for fear of getting hurt.

Koshino shook the image from his mind and continued to pace.

But I know when you have something on your mind,

You've been trying to tell me for the longest time.

Koshino should have recognized the early warning signs. The week before their disastrous break-up, Sendoh had seemed like there was something on his mind, constantly spacing out and jolting back to reality only after Koshino called his name and shook him at the same time. He seemed less animated, kind of like he'd been splashed with cold water. Like there was something pressing down upon him, a great weight that he couldn't handle and didn't want to deal with. That alone should have startled Koshino.

And before you break my heart in two,

There's something I've been trying to say to you.

Of course, he hadn't. At that point he'd had something on his mind. Something he had no idea how to deal with. Something he wasn't familiar with at all, and wasn't all that happy about.

He was in love with Sendoh.

He hadn't distinguished it as that at first. But slowly, the dawning realization startled him, and then he was faced with either trying to kill the feelings or facing them. He wasn't sure he wanted to kill the feelings; it was actually a pleasant thing, when he was around Sendoh. When they were apart, it was an empty void that he longed to fill. His other option faced him with the difficult task of telling Sendoh.

But the words get in the way,

There's so much I want to say.

The problem came when he tried to tell him. Koshino had never been much on voicing how he felt. Normally he didn't have to; people just kind of expected him to be mad about something. If not mad, then probably close to it. So he'd never been bothered with saying things dealing with his emotions. He wanted to tell Sendoh, very badly, but there was so *much* to say, and he wanted to say it right. He'd been at a loss, and had no idea where to turn. Not many people, aside from the guys on the team, knew about Sendoh and Koshino, and they weren't going to be much help when it came to asking about matters of the heart.

So Koshino had been left to deal with his problem alone. And that's why he hadn't noticed the shift in Sendoh's attitude.

But it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes,

We might fall in love again.

Koshino thought that perhaps Sendoh would be able to guess what he felt. After all, Sendoh was not only good at reading people, he seemed to be exceptionally good when it came to Koshino. But by the time Koshino faced up to it and admitted it, allowing it to show in him, it was already too late.

Sendoh left him, with scarce, meaningless excuses that almost didn't make sense. And Koshino had been left to slowly die within himself, hoping against hope that perhaps Sendoh would see what Koshino felt and change his mind.

It never happened.

I won't even start to cry,

and before we say good-bye,

Koshino had absolutely refused to cry. He never had, and besides, he was sure he would get him back. All he had to do was figure out a way to let Sendoh know that he loved him. Everything after that would fall into place.

Koshino snorted. *Yeah, right.*

I tried to say "I love you"

But the words got in the way.

He had finally decided he would tell Sendoh after school on Monday, two days after they broke up. He'd met him at his locker and asked to speak to him in private. Sendoh, though, said that he could say whatever he needed right there. He didn't say it cruelly, or even coldly, but in a bland, cut off fashion that was so unlike him that for a moment Koshino was struck speechless. And at his blank stare, he found that he fumbled with his words, making his speaking clipped and halting. He was nervous, and he shuffled his feet and refused to meet Sendoh's eyes. He mumbled something even he couldn't hear, and Sendoh just stood there, staring, not offering even his usual cheery smile that he offered everyone.

Just when Koshino had thought of a way to say it, *she* had sauntered up and placed a slender hand on Sendoh's shoulder. Still with that blank stare, but this time wearing a smile, he had turned away from Koshino with a "sayonara" and walked away, the girl slipping her hand into his back pocket. Koshino heard his laugh, sounding strained to his ears, and felt his world crash around him in a cold wave of despair.

Your heart has always been an open door,

But baby I don't even know you anymore.

And despite the fact it's hurting me,

I know the time has come to set you free.

Throughout that tortuous week he had watched the girl hang all over Sendoh, and with sick certainty knew that Sendoh may not be happy with her, but that wasn't the point. The point was the message he was trying to give Koshino. And that message was simply this: It's through, and I'm going on without you. Koshino saw the closed-off look in his face whenever he looked at Hiroaki. He recognized his polite look and attitude. And it killed him inside.

And now, he paced the room still, trying to come to some kind of decision. What should he do? Try to win Sendoh back, or leave him be?

Koshino looked up at the ceiling. When they'd been going out, he'd been next-to certain that Sendoh loved him. In fact, it seemed to surge from him, a love that he couldn't hide and obviously wasn't interested in trying to. But now, he wasn't sure. Right now, he couldn't be sure about anything.

There was only one thing he knew for certain: Whether or not Sendoh hated him, he still loved him. Was still in love with him.

And with a sudden surge of urgency, he turned and ran from the room, bolting out the front door and sprinting down the street. The cool wind whipped his wild black hair from his forehead.

If he didn't at least tell Sendoh how he felt he'd die. The thought was so certain, so justifiable, that he didn't doubt it for an instant, and acted on impulse for one of the first times in his life.

Sendoh's house wasn't all that far from his; a few blocks, no more than five. Driven by a need he didn't entirely understand, he sprinted almost the entire way, and by the time he reached Sendoh's doorstep, he was panting and sweating, tired but determined.

Words would not fail him this time. If it killed him, he'd tell Sendoh what he felt.

Still, even as he rung the doorbell, praying he was home, he wasn't sure how he would say it. There was so much, and how to sum it up? How to even explain the complicated emotions that coiled within him, longing for this moment? The moment of release.

But the words get in the way

There's so much I want to say.

But it's locked deep inside and if you look in my eyes,

We might fall in love again.

Akira answered the door, his expression changing from curiosity to shock.

"K-koshino!" He stammered, beautiful eyes wide.

Koshino. Not Hiro-kun. Not Hiroaki. Not even Koshino-kun. He was so formal that Koshino felt his eyebrows knit together in an uncharacteristic pained look.

"Sendoh..." He chose to match his formal tone, casting his eyes downward. Now that he was here, the urgency wasn't as great, and the bleak void was filled. His mere presence was enough to make him feel even a little better. He fumbled for words, anything that might help him to start. He looked up to meet Sendoh's eyes. He was surprised to see the pained, infinitely sad look in their depths. He swallowed. What to say? How to say it? There *had* to be a way! If only he had Sendoh's way with words.

I won't even start to cry, and before we say good-bye

I tried to say "I love you"

And then it hit him. So simple, it was right there in front of his face. Why hadn't he thought of it earlier?

He wouldn't have been brave enough to say it. The thought was once more completely certain. Only after actually losing Sendoh and realizing how much he cared, the extent of his feelings, was he able to even consider saying it.

He felt the word, the one single word that said it all, fall from his mouth, empowered by his emotions, which rang from his voice. He tried to open up, let Sendoh see it in his eyes, in his face, as much as he heard it. At the same moment he also reached out for Sendoh with one hand.

"Aishiteru."

He saw Sendoh's eyes widen, at first in disbelief, but in a moment he saw it melt away as Akira stared at him, searching his face, staring at him as if trying to see into his soul. Koshino's hand was still reaching out for him, bare inches from Sendoh's. He felt himself give Sendoh a pleading look, despite himself.

*Aw, hell, boy. You already told him how you feel. This guy knows you inside and out. Don't bother trying to hide something from him. It'll only make things worse.*

"N-nani, Koshino?"

"I said I love you, Sendoh. Akira...I...I tried to tell you earlier, before we broke up..." He was speaking quietly now, looking at the ground, his hand at his side, gulping to try to keep from crying. "I just couldn't seem to find a way to say it...until now...I just had to tell you, Akira." He bit his lower lip. "Gomen. I'm sorry I bothered you." He turned to leave.

A hand reached out and grasped his upper arm, stopping him, trying to gently pull him back. He let himself be dragged, and was surprised when he was wrapped in Sendoh's arms.

"Hiro-kun..." He whispered, his mouth on Koshino's head, pressing into his scalp. He didn't know what to do. Instinct told him to shove Sendoh away, but Koshino's heart directed him to hold the other boy as well. He listened to his heart as he snaked his arms around Sendoh's slim waist.

"Aishiteru, Akira." He was crying, he noted, as he pressed his cheek to Sendoh's shoulder and felt the coolness flow down to soak Sendoh's shirt.

The spiky-haired boy didn't seem to mind. "Hiro-kun, I've wanted you to say that for the longest time. After a while, I thought that perhaps you didn't feel that way. And then it hurt to be around you, because I kept thinking that you didn't return my feelings. So I left you and tried to find another to get you off my mind." He pressed his lips to Koshino's forehead. "Gomen, Hiroaki. I love you."

But the words get in the way.

Koshino smiled as he touched his lips to Sendoh's jaw, then his lips, finding that the simplest things could say more than many words.

"Actions speak louder than words, Hiro-kun." Sendoh said, as if reading his mind.

~Owari