| "Wow much fun, I can't wait" that was my initial feeling when I found out my spanish class was planning a trip to Mexico. "Initial" is the key word here. This was the summer before my senior year, I was already much aquianted with Bulimia but I was at the I can still control it stage. I figured that I could easily make it through the 10 days with out purging, not a problem. 7-8 months had passed and the month arrived that I was going to Mexico. The week before I was so nervous. Our trip consisted of 6 days in central Mexico and then 4 in Cancun. I wanted to go to Cancun so bad but I was so terrified of having to wear a swimsuit. I went through 120 laxatives the week prior to Mexico. I am sure my electrolytes levels were soaring all over the place...up down..up down.. I dreaded Mexico now, I didn't want to go. I hated the thought of it. I seriously considered not going but I had no choice in the end because I had spent to much money on it. I figured I was just making to much of a deal about it and that I would have those "great memories" everyone talked about. But the truth was I don't have many "great memories" from Mexico, but I have tons of awful ones I would give anything to forget. Confined with all my friends, no time to myself, hot weather and having to wear next to nothing, and then the most important worry was thinking about how/or if I would be able to puke. I remember boarding the plane and thinking shit, here goes. When I got on the plane we had a meal, it was breakfast. I didn't eat it. I had debated about not eating at all during the trip, but I didn't want to cause a seen or be a problem. And the last thing I wanted was to draw more unwanted attention towards what I was or wasn't eating. So the first few days there I ate a regular amount of food, while I was in Mexico City I wasn't able to purge at all. I was so anxious, I hadn't ate that consistantly in so long. I made it through 2 days keeping my sanity. Or I made it though 6 meals, that sounds like alot more. A few days into the trip I was getting smarter though, I would shower right after supper so that is when I would get rid of supper. but one thing I had never thought of was the fact that I couldn't use or drink that water there. It wasn't very easy. I was glad to get into the shower after and rinse off my hands a little. Breakfast and Lunch I was doomed to eat, we were always driving in a bus and I had to time or bathroom to get rid of anything I ate. All I would think about was food, I would think about how much I had ate over the past days. It was awful I knew I was gaining so much. I couldn't allow myself to relax. When we finally got to Cancun I was sick as hell from eating all that food for the past week and a half. I was sick to my stomach and depending on Immodian AD and pepto bismol. My stomach hadn't dealt with that much food in so long, plus the week before I had abused lax's so I was in rough shape. The only memory I have that I was at peace and thought "wow this is beautiful" was when I was all alone, it was about 11 at night and I was sitting on the beach because I couldn't sleep. I saw a shooting star. And I made my wish, I wished that I could be normal. I wanted to be normal so damn bad. I wish I could have enjoyed myself on my trip, it was a very good trip, but I was sooo preoccupied that I had no chance in enjoying it. That is what eating disorders do to you. They make you think to much, they are a waste of life. And a waste of time. When I got back from my trip I went staight to the scale, and yes I had gained weight. alot actually. I gained so much so fast because I had been restricting so much that week before. I was also bloated big time. its weird how your body reacts to constant starving then refeeding. it was a bitch. but then of course the week after I got back I was already down to my "goal weight" I did it by laxs and purging. I was stuck in an awful cycle. I still thought I had control over it too. |