It is with great unease and regret to inform you that this world isn't a party like we all thought. No, there is unspeakable danger abreast. Many of you have most likely already felt it; a disturbance in the Force, if you will. Yes the horror I speak of affects us all as homo sapiens; this horror takes its face as: Mike Cannon impostors (da da da da dummmmmmmm.....)
We all know there is and can only be one[1] Mike Cannon. Can you imagine a world with two, perhaps several Mike Cannons. Ah, the thought makes my teeth want to wrap around my skull and eat myself. The power put forth by the "Real" Mike Cannon alone is, in a word, Awesome. Not Ninja Turtles "awesome," but try-not-to-laugh-out-loud-when-Stephen-Hawking-says-it "awesome." Let me put it in terms everyone can understand: There was a comic book once that I meant to read but never did. Judging from the cover I'd say it was about a guy who had "awesome" powers and used them only for good. After this guy fought a bad guy or two and most likely got action from some hot chick and after I saved $3.95, it hit me. The only reason this guy was awesome was because some idiot wasn't trying to take all his awesome powers away by imitating this other guy's awesome powers and basically screwing up the awesome guy's whole awesome ability to be awesome in a singular sort of way. It's so simple.
Luckily, after using the $3.95 I saved, I bought a pretzel from Auntie Anne's, and with the remaining $2.63, I went on a fact-finding mission. Oh, and I also got a novelty skicker from Spencer's that says "Sex Machine." After remembering an episode of Mattlock I'd seen the first 18 minutes of, I concocted a crude satellite dish. By simply cold-feeding a hot signal to the Andromeda galaxy's "Megalyis" star system, utilizing its cold, icy nebula emissions as a catalyst, then shooting the now dry signal to meteor 2IGN3V in the meteor belt, which everyone knows is a hotbed for methapropylene gas, then receiving this broken signal in short two second bursts, finally translating a dry binary code into Deadrek, a four thousand year old, dead language, then translating it into English using a Pocket Oxford I got for Christmas '89, (insert breath) I was able to decode an underground Mike Cannon impostor network. These M.C.I.'s as we call them are populating this planet at an alarming rate with one objective in mind: drain the coolness of out the Real Mike Cannon (RMC).
I've devised a small, yet important list of some MCI's I've already detected. If you should ever happen to cross paths with one, stay calm and quickly alert an authority. To be sure you've come across one, there are a number of protocol you can follow:
1. Ask them to do a ripping bass solo, utilizing a Wooten-esque tapping technique. If they can't do this, they are probably a MCI.
2. Tell them to jump off their parent's garage roof. If they refuse to do this, they are probably a MCI.
3. Ask them to accompany you over a cup of coffee at the Hanover General Hospital. If they look cluelessly at you, they are probably a MCI.
4. Ask them to sample raw meat from a dead frog's legs you dissected in Biology class. If they refuse, they are probably a MCI.
5. If they seem to be tired and/or go to bed anytime before 4 a.m., run the other way because they are probably a MCI.
6. If you tie them up really good in the Hanover Middle School's instrument cages and they stay in there and evetually die of starvation, then feel good that you've destroyed a MCI.
7. And finally if you ask them, "Hey Mike, remember that time you had a Packard Bell and it was such a piece of shit that you took it apart a lot and didn't care if you put it back together the right way again or not? Because that was awesome!", and they don't have a clue what you're talking about, they are definitly a MCI.
Ok, now that you all have the background, it's time to start our revolution. Below you will find sources believed to house MCI's. Move with haste, but also with grave caution because these MCI's are dangerous and have even been known to call people really bad names and hurt feelings, which is also another way to know if they're MCI's because the RMC is so cool, he doesn't do that. Help us Obi Wan, you're our only hope!
Get ready all you MCI's and go to hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Websites believed to house MCI's:
This MCI is trying to change the RMC's whole identity, even making such blastphemous claims that the RMC hails from Oklahoma!
This MCI wishes he was the RMC. Keep trying, "Lurch"
This MCI is posing as a corporate CEO, who can't even play Longview by Green Day on the bass. Pathetic!
This site refers to Mike Cannon as a soap opera character played by James "Whocares" - who are they fooling!?!?
This MCI is disguised as a woman's soccer coach. We all know the RMC coached woman's rugby. Next time do your homework, you MCI bastards!!!
We here at the RMC Headquarters in Hanover remain skeptical as to the validity of this picture. Perhaps the RMC in another lifetime. Your guess is as good as ours.
Keep checking as we uncover more MCI's...