THE PLAYERS:
Nick
Glenn
 

What an awful weekend. I sat at home and crief myself silly. Why, you
ask? Because No one remembered my birthday and AIM wouldn't let me connect.
Awww... I'm so depressed, but at the same time I feel a very large
warmth down in my... Oh my god! I'm on fire! Oh no! Aaaah!
wait, no, that's just my genital herpes flaring up. And by flaming up I mean
actually on fire. So I am going to spray my genitals with the fire extinguisher until
they feel all tingly and stuff. Ohhh yeah. So, anyway, the
fire first caught because I was an idiot, so, anyway, I don't want to
belabor my stultitude by hypothesizing further. So back to the story. I was
bawling my eyes out, when I realized that I had misplaced my pants. So I stood and
then sat down again, sheepishly realizing that I was now completely
pantsless, and my... ummm... "little buddy" was hanging out. So I sat down and
-- no, you PERVERT! Not THAT little buddy! So anyway, my cock was
hanging out, so I decided that Judaism was beautiful and circumcised myself.
It was extremely painful. Have you ever experienced that much pain? No.
It was so painful that I had no choice but to euthanize myself.
So I euthanized myself through circumcision. It was too late before I realized
the terrible mistake I'd made. "OW FUCKOW!" I screamed, holding my
IV tube bare centimiles from my precious precious veins.
Just before it was about to pierce my skin, I was able to squirm
away and subdue my left arm. "Traitor!" I cried and chopped off my left
hand. As blood spurted from the bloody stump of my wrist, I smiled in triumph. I had
managed to assure my slow and bloody death! Yeah! Score!
Since I was already nearly passed out, I went to bed and
bled myself to death -- that is, I would've, were it not for the well'placed tourniquets
around my wrist and cock. But the tourniquets were so tight and painful that I couldn't
continue living. Which was easy since the tourniquets,
even though I loved them, weren't working. So I would in fact die
if I did not perform fellatio on myself to suck all the bad blood out of my system --
as well as make myself feel oh, so good. Plus I had to dunk my left wrist in ice
in order to stop the bleeding. After about 10 minutes,
finally, the bleeding stopped. But my arm was also gangrenous
so I shot myself in the face. And as the blood ran down my chest in shiny red
rivulets, I smiled -- or would, if I still had a mouth. As such, I merely shook
my head. But, you may ask, which head? The world will never know.