Rather Be Dead A Short Story By:Janet Holmes Part I--Scythe's Savior


Scythe stared out her 10th floor apartment window, at the cold, overcast, morning. She watched as pigeons flew off her windowsill and once again contemplated suicide. How wonderful it would feel to just end it all. The wonderful freedom she would be left feeling as the warm red life drained out of her wrists. "Sometimes I think that she would rather be dead, she's just so morbid all the time." That was the voice of her last foster parent, talking to her shrink. Scythe hated shrinks. All that heehaw shit about manic depression, she was depressed she was just tired of being hurt, tired of being abused by everything. She often wondered what made her stay here, what stopped her from committing suicide? If anything, it had to be Jordan. Jordan was her boyfriend. He loved her dearly. He showered her with warmth and affection, and most of all, love. Love was a new thing for Scythe. She didn't have it in the orphanage as a child, and it certainly wasn't there with her first foster parents. Sure June was OK...but she worked all the time. Scythe was left with Randy, June's husband who would rape her each morning before sending her to school. A tear feel from Scythe's eye and rage began to well up inside her.
'Bastard!' she thought to herself.
She picked up her coffee mug and walked over to the window, scattering the cowardly pigeons. One remained. "Hello Timothy" she said to him as she fed him part of her bagel.
"No wonder people think I'm weird" she said out loud, "I talk to pigeons!"
"I don't think your weird" a voice came from behind.
Suddenly everything was OK. The darkness was replaced by and omnipotent light and her cold body was once again warm. She turned around. "Jordan!" She ran over to him and placed her thin pink lips on his red ones. They kissed like they hadn't seen each other in weeks when in fact Jordan had only left her a few hours ago, after she has fallen asleep.
Scythe gazed into Jordan's bright green eyes and then broke the romantic mood, with a giggle. "You want some coffee?"
"No" he said smiling at the frail blond girl he held in his arms, "I want to be with you."
They went over and sat down on the couch. Scythe snuggled in to him and he put his warm arms around her body. Jordan reached for the remote, and clicked on the television. Jerry Springer...click...News.... click.....The Weather Channel...perfect!
Scythe sighed slowly, making her bigger than average breasts move up and down.
Jordan leaned over her and kissed her slightly on the forehead.
'Yea', she thought 'There he goes, next the cheek'
He kissed her on the cheek 'Now the neck...' he kissed her on the neck
'Now the tickle spot...oh no not the...' He reached down and began to tickle her stomach playfully. She began to giggle and rolled her eyes at him.
"What?" he asked
"You, your so predictable, Weather Channel, forehead, cheek, neck, tickle spot."
"Oh you found me out huh?" he said giggling
She took the remote and turned the channel and then flipped it back to the Weather Channel.
"Do it again." She said
"You nut!" he said and he wrapped his arms around her waist.
..."Sometimes I think she would rather be dead."
"Yea sometimes" she said out loud, smiling, "but not always."
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Part II--The Inlet


Jordan was away for the weekend and that left Scythe feeling a little lost and heartbroken. It was like Jordan held her soul and he actually took it with him when he left. She had no motivation left in her when he was away.
The alarm clock rang at a quarter to seven and she smacked it down and glanced out her window at the sunny day that was slowly progressing into what seemed to be a smack in the face for her. She decided that work and her was not a good idea today and that she would spend the day out on the inlet, watching tourists.
She picked up the phone and spoke to the person on the other end.
"Yea it's Scy.... Yea I'll hold....hi this is....yes I'll hold...Mr. Cannerston it's Scy I can't...No I won't hold!...I just called to say I was sick and I'm not coming in today! .... yea....uh huh...sure doctor's note....right...sure thing....thanks...uh huh...bye!"
She got out of bed and walked into the kitchen in her underwear and her slippers, and poured herself a cup of coffee. She decided to go down to the inlet around 12:00, and that she would just stay home and watch TV until then. She sat down in front of the small box, clicked on the Web TV and sighed at her empty email inbox.
12:00--Mariner's Inlet Scythe sat at the end of the old rickety dock watching the waters swirl past her as waves crashed against the rocky shore. The sun beat brightly down on her, and for a moment she felt warm again. The warm spring breeze ran through her hair, and a seagull cawed loudly on the sand bar in the distance. Scythe loved the way the sun soaked her, and bathed her in warmth. She wasn't much of a fan of the beach, but the sun seemed to warm her skin. She always felt so cold when Jordan wasn't around.
She envisioned his face, encircled with his wavy, thick blond hair. She smiled and began to sing a quiet song in her head.
What would I do without you?
Would I ever be OK
Would I ever be able to joke and laugh?
Would I live another day....
She really couldn't answer that. She didn't know if she could ever go on without Jordan around. She closed her eyes and laid down on the dock, and covered her face. She lifted up her black shirt to just below her breasts and tried to get some sun on he terribly pale skin. Just as she was about to fall asleep on the dock, the warm sun faded away and the sky got a little darker. She opened her eyes and looked up. A dark gray cloud had rolled in and covered up the sun so that just a few rays of sunlight trickled out through cracks in the storm.
Scythe sighed and picked up her small radio and headed towards her car, stopping only to glance longingly at the jagged rocks at the bottom of the cliff. How easy it would be just to end it all. Then she once again thought of Jordan. Smiled and walked along the dock back to her car humming Hands, by Jewel.
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Part III--The Storm


A tear dripped down Scy's face as she stared down on the street below. People walked a little faster and they carried umbrellas or newspapers or even their own brief cases over their heads. A huge storm had decided to center itself over the city. Storms, especially rain storms, really depressed Scy. It was a stormy night when Randy took her innocence for the first time. the rain reminded her of the way she stood in the shower trying to wash his sweat off of her naked body. She scrubbed for hours, even after the water had gotten cold trying to get it off of her. It was days like this when she needed Jordan more than ever. She needed his touch, and his light.
She glanced at her clock on the stove, 6:30, Jordan should have been home an hour ago. She picked up the phone and began to dial the numbers to his house, but hung up. His mother frightened her in a way she couldn't understand.
The phone rang about thirty minutes later, as Scythe was stirring her angelhair pasta. She picked up the receiver.
"Hello?"
"Scythe?"
"Yea this is she who is this?"
"This is Julie, Jordan's mother...are you sitting down?"
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Part IV--Nothing Worse


Scythe stared at her wrist, at the red blood soaking out of it onto the bright white tile of her bathroom. This was it, she had nothing left to live for. Jordan was dead, she would never laugh again, she would never feel his embrace. She didn't want to live in a world without Jordan. He was all that she had. She started to feel dizzy and leaned her weak head over the toilet and vomited bile. This was taking to long, had she done it wrong? Why wasn't she dying? Just then she heard a voice calling to her. It was Jordan.
"Scythe? What are you doing? Get up your bleeding!"
"Jordan...I.... I...thought you were dead!"
"I am dead, but you not going to be!"
"Yes I am, I have nothing left to live for!" She broke into a panic stricken rage. She was half dead already.
"I made an anonymous call, the ambulance is coming to get you, and Dammit your gonna live!"
"Jordan! Why are you so fucking selfish? Just let me die! I want to die!"
"Trust me you'll thank me."
"There is nothing worse than having to wake up day after day knowing that you won't be coming over to refuse my coffee and then kiss me watching the Weather Channel!" she was screaming now "I can't do it! And I won't!"
"Scythe! Listen to me! I wasn't in pain when I died! I died in my sleep, the last thing I though about before I died was you. I love you! I always have and I always will but I can't watch you lying on this floor letting yourself die!"
"But...if I die...I'll...be.... I'll be with you."
"No, that's just it...you won't!" he shook her, "You can't go to heaven if you do this!! I'm in heaven!"
"Heaven? You mean all that shit is true?"
"Yes.... It's true...I tried to tell you!"
"So I'm going to hell?!" She applied pressure to the slit across her wrist.
"No if you survive you can turn yourself around!"
"I.... I don't know if I can...I'm so weak."
"Fight it...I won't leave you.... I'm here for you. At times you may not see me, but I will always be here."
The paramedics arrived, and Jordan disappeared.
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Part V--Reconstructing Scythe


It had been almost a year since Scy had attempted to take her life away. She found herself a new person, she had a better job, and a nicer apartment, only one thing still haunted her. She entered the door of her new apartment and put her keys on the table by the door. She walked over to the window and peered out at the street below. All around people walked quickly to their destinations, umbrellas in hand. A raindrop dripped down the window and a tear rolled down Scy's cheek. I seemed like it was happening all over again.
'I have to do something, I'm gonna go crazy if I don't!' she thought.
She sat down infront of her computer and dialed up a random people search. She entered the name Randy Littler. She shivered at the name, and at the fact that the room was completely icy cold today. A result popped up on the screen. Same address she used to live at. She jotted down the phone number and clicked off her computer, without properly shutting it down.
Damn computer, it's not worth the money Jordan spent on it! she thought as she went over to the phone. She picked up the receiver and dialed the first three digits of the number, and hung up the phone.
No, She thought, I have to do this face to face!
She picked up her keys and slammed the door behind her.
Scy drove ten miles outside of the city and then turned on the old dirt road. Thirty seconds later she was face to face with the old two story house that she grew up in. She parked her car under a tree and walked up the pebble walk to the front door.
She knocked three times and waited. A frail old man opened the door.
"My wife's dead, and I don't need Avon!" He shouted.
Looking at the old man standing in front of her, Scythe considered turning around, and just going home.
"Wait!" Scy yelled as the old man closed the door. "Are you Randy Littler?"
"Who are you?" he demanded.
"My name is Scythe Razula, I used to be Rebecca Littler, you remember me don't you?"
Randy stood in shock. "Rebecca, you.... you came all this way? It's nice to see you, what are you here for?"
"To confront you, to make you admit what you denied eleven years ago!"
"I don't think im following you." Randy said, avoiding Sycthe's peircing stare. "Oh really? So then you don't remember raping me?" Sycthe said through gritted teeth. She was so angry she didn't know weather to break down into tears or strangle him right on his doorstep.
"I don't know you...your not Rebecca, she was a sweet little innocent girl, someone kidnapped her years ago!"
"Oh come off of it! I ran away from you!" She was yelling now.
"No! My Rebecca loved me!"
"Yea in your dream world of fucked up sexual lust maybe! You have fucked up my entire life! I hate you for this!" A tear trickled down her cheek.
"Rebecca, no, I loved you." he reached for her and Scy pulled away.
"I'm not a child anymore, you can't sweet talk me into the bed and fuck away my problems you dirty bastard!" She was crying now
"I think that you should leave." Randy said calmly.
"Not until you say you're sorry!"
"I'm sorry mam, I already paid my wife's Avon bill I don't know what you're talking about!" Randy avioded.
Scy covered her ears and screamed. "Admit it you lying son of a bitch! Just say you're sorry and I'll leave!"
"Rebecca...."He started
"Don't call me that...I'm not Rebecca, I'm Scythe!"
"Scythe, I can see that you are in a lot of pain, I am truly sorry for what I caused you. Now will you please go away an never come back." he said with his back turned.
"Yes." Scythe said calmly "I'll go and never come back." Scythe walked along the old pebble walkway back to her car, got in and drove off never looking back. She turned on the radio Aretha Franklin wailed the song RESPECT. She turned it up and drove away smiling.


I would really like to know how you feel. Please send all comments to janholmes@usa.net. Thanks!