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A Rather Different Kind Of Closure

By Alison

D/C: I own everything. Don't steal. Thanks!

~*~*~

I never say goodbye to anyone. Never saw the need, really. Most of the time it's just me leaving a friend to go to a particular class and I'd see them later. No use in wasting precious oxygen to something as petty as goodbye.

I never tell anyone I love them, either. I always thought it would just be assumed and that I didn't need to state my feelings to anyone. It's not that I don't have those feelings, it's just…wasted oxygen again.

Now you must think of me as a cynical person. Oh, by definition I probably am, but then again, you only know two paragraphs about me and from those two paragraphs you draw a mental portrait of this writer as a poor, depressed person without compassion.

Part of that's true, really. I am poor. I am depressed.

But in no way, shape, or form can you call me uncompassionate from this now slowly growing piece. I've seen pain. I've questioned good. I've experienced the worst feeling in the world: loneliness.

Seeing him in that casket like that, all still and frozen in place, it was horrible. You have no idea how much I wanted to go up to him and shake him, hoping that he would once again come alive with life and a smile and I could finally dry my tears.

This story, probably pointless to the average passerby, is for him.

I loved you; you understand that, don't you? Of course you don't. I had never told you, I couldn't. I used to think rather naively that you would greet me the next day. That you would always be there.

But here I am. Where are you? In that damn casket, that's where, and you're the last person on earth who should be there.

It would be selfish of me to be mad at God for taking you away. You never loved me. You barely knew my name and only talked to me out of pity. You pretended to be nice but we both knew you'd rather be somewhere else.

And I still loved you, more than anything. I looked forward to our daily pity talks more than breathing or living life itself. My love for you clouded my judgment and the more you pushed me away, the more I foolishly chased after you. I couldn't help it; you were the one I lived for. You were the one I dreamt about. You were the one whom I studied every move, every muscle, every word. I knew you better than you knew yourself, and you only knew my name.

You never realized how much restraint I put on myself not to hug you, or kiss you, or talk to you…or love you. But it wasn't enough. Free will took over again and took over my spirit.

My spirit doesn't belong with free will anymore. It belongs with you in that casket, as lifeless as you, as dead as you. My heart is there also, doomed to beat for the rest of eternity in that casket with you, no longer my own.

I love you.

Goodbye.

FIN

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