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Mulder and Scully and the Really Big Dinosaurs

By Alison

D/C: I don't own anything except the plot. Chris Carter and Fox and other people who are luckier than me own them.

~*~*~

"Hi Scully!" said Mulder with a big smile on his face as his partner entered the room. "Lookie what I found!"

"Mulder, it's early in the morning, I don't really want to hear you act like a little kid using the word 'lookie.'"

"But lookie!" Mulder said, jumping up and down with excitement. "Aliens have been spotted in an abandoned island in the middle of the ocean!"

"How could someone have spotted aliens if the island was abandoned?" Scully asked. Suddenly Mulder held his hands up to his temples and started shaking.

"No, Scully!" he said. "Don't! Don't try to bombard me with your evil logic!"

Scully started to cackle loudly at Mulder's distress. Just then, Skinner walked in to their office, forehead brimming with sweat from walking down all those stairs.

"Oh, why doesn't the FBI have an elevator?" he said, panting and puffing. Scully stopped cackling once she realized he was in the room.

"Um…I'm sure that's next on their list, sir," she said.

"SCULLY!" he said. "Are you using logic again?!"

"Sorry, sir."

"This is the X-Files! You don't use logic! Remember that, Scully…Do you have a water fountain somewhere down here?" he said, walking out the door, ready to tackle the flight back up.

"Sorry, Mulder," she said, helping him up.

"No problem, Scully," he said. "Just…don't ever use that…logic thing again. So anyhoo, we've got tickets to fly out to Korlitzagoughatin in a couple hours."

"Where?"

"Korlitzagoughatin, the abandoned island with the aliens," Mulder explained, stuffing his face with sunflower seeds.

"Yay," said Scully. Suddenly there was a sound much like a dog lapping up water after a walk, except louder.

"What's that?" asked Scully.

"Skinner must've found that water fountain down here."

"Should we tell him that the pipes are rusty and that it's been moldy for the past five years?"

Mulder shrugged. "What he doesn't know won't hurt him." Then there was a big gagging sound and a huge thumping sound that shook the walls of their office. Scully stuck her head out of the door.

"Mulder, Skinner just passed out on the floor!" she said. Mulder was too busy eating sunflower seeds to notice or care. Scully shrugged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four hours later, our two favorite agents from the FBI were on a plane to Korlitzagoughatin. "So, Mulder," Scully asked. "What exactly are we looking for here?"

"What do you think?" Mulder asked. "The paranormal, aliens, any abnormal or strange occurrences, or a hot dog vendor." Scully gave him a look. "What? I'm hungry!"

"Mulder, you just ate three hundred and seventy six bags of sunflower seeds," she said. "How can you still be hungry?"

Mulder started to have a seizure again. "Nooooo! Not the logic!"

"Sorry Mulder," she said. In an instant, he was back to normal.

"Apology…not accepted!" he said, giggling like a third grader.

"Mulder, stop giggling like a third grader," she said. Hey, I just said that.

"No you didn't, I did," said Scully. I said it before you and you just copied off of me. "No, you copied off of me." Did not. "Did too." Did not. "Did too!" Did not!! "Did too!!!!" OK, fine, you win. Mulder witnessed all of this.

"Scully, who are you talking to?"

"I'm talking to the narrator. He's copying off of me." I'm a she. "Sorry." That's OK.

"There isn't a narrator," said Mulder.

"Yes, there is," said Scully. "I was just arguing with her." Mulder started to jump up and down again, but got caught in the seatbelt. He carefully unbuckled it the way the flight attendant showed him how to at the beginning of the flight, then started jumping up and down.

"Scully, that sounds like an X-File! People talking to narrators! Ooh," he said, drooling.

"Stop drooling on me, Mulder. I'm sure that there's a perfectly logi…good explanation to this." The flight attendant came up to Mulder.

"Please sit down, sir, we're about to land in Korlitzagoghatin."

"You said it wrong," said Mulder.

"Excuse me?" she said.

"It's Korlitzagoughatin, you said Korlitzagoghatin."

"Well, I'm sorry! This is my first flight, and you just…you just ruined it!" she said, running off crying.

"Mulder!" Scully said. "That wasn't very nice."

Mulder bowed his head in shame. "Sorry, Miss Scully."

"Now go apologize to her."

"Yes, Miss Scully." Mulder went and apologized and got in trouble again because he was out of his seat. Finally, they landed. Then they found their aliens, found the truth, and Mulder and Scully earned billions of dollars, retired early, got married, and lived happily ever after. Ha! Just kidding. You're stuck with me for even longer! Just as long as you don't…No! Don't turn off the computer! Don't you want to know if Skinner makes it all the way back up the stairs?!

Good, now that I have your attention captured again, I'll continue. *Ahem*

Anyway, the plane landed safely and Mulder and Scully got off of it. The plane left immediately after they left. "Where's the plane going?" asked Scully.

"I don't know," said Mulder shaking his head. "I really don't know. Hey, wait a minute!"

"What?"

"The plane left!" said Mulder.

"Brilliant observation," said Scully.

"So how are we going to get back?!" asked Mulder. Scully didn't respond because she didn't know. "Oh, well," said Mulder seductively. "Looks like it's just you and me, abandoned on an island with no interruptions…Dana."

Scully looked at Mulder, thought about what he was suggesting, didn't think it sounded too bad, but then…logic…got the better part of her and she ran after the plane. "Wait!!" she shouted. "Wait!! Don't leave me on this island with him! Please help me!!"

"The chance of the people in the plane hearing you is nearly impossible…Dana," said Mulder.

"For once, you have a point," said Scully. "It isn't logi…oh, what the heck? I might as well have some fun…logical." And she stood there cackling for the better part of an hour. Then she realized it was six o'clock and time for "Friends." She found a TV (Where she got the TV or the electricity, I don't know, let's just have an imagination, shall we?) and watched it without apologizing to Mulder. He struggled and squirmed around as Scully laughed along with the fifteen minute laugh track. Finally, she turned it off.

"Oh, that Phoebe, she is really something…Mulder!" she said, realizing that Mulder was still having a seizure. "We're on a job! Don't go playing around!" Mulder got up, rubbing his temples.

"Sorry, Miss Scully," he said.

"What's that?" said Scully. There was a rustling around in the woods around them. "Mulder, I thought you said this island was abandoned!"

"I did," said Mulder, getting that seductive grin on again. "Let's make the most out of it."

"Ew…" said Scully. Suddenly, a figure appeared out of the trees. Yes, it was…Krychek! Alex Krychek!

Mulder and Scully stared at him for a second. "Who are you?" asked Mulder. Scully seemed overcome with the giggles at the handsome 'stranger.'

"Don't you recognize me, Mulder?" asked Krychek. "I killed your father." He got a blank look from Mulder. "I killed a lot of people." Still no response. "Remember? I'm the hottest guy on the show."

"Oh, now I remember you!" said Scully, still giggling like crazy.

"Me too," said Mulder. "Wait a minute! I thought Skinner killed you!"

"That fat man couldn't aim a gun for his life," said Krychek.

"Now, Krychek," said Scully, assuming her teacher role again, "We don't want to make fun of the other children for their appearances, now do we?"

Krychek bowed his head. "No, Miss Scully."

Scully started giggling again. "Yes, I am a Miss. Note that I'm not a Mrs.."

"But I saw the blood coming out of your skull!" said Mulder. "There's no way you could've survived!"

"Instead of shooting a bullet at me, he accidentally loaded the gun with lipstick," said Krychek.

"What color?" asked Scully.

"Racin' Red," said Krychek. "It's my favorite."

"So when it hit your forehead, it exploded and made it look like you died," said Mulder.

"Right," said Krychek. "Now, what about you? I thought you left the X-Files because you felt that your half million dollars an episode wasn't enough."

"Well, the ratings were going down the toilet after I left, so Chris Carter begged me to come back. Now I'm getting paid one million dollars to be in a stupid story like this!" said Mulder, obviously very proud of himself.

"And I thought you two had a kid!" said Krychek. He got blank looks from both of them. "You know, a baby? Baby William with the possessed mobile above his crib?"

"Oh, yeah, him," said Scully. "After this bastard left me, I put William up for adoption."

Mulder's bottom lip began to tremble. "Y-you got rid of baby William?" he said, quivering. "But…he was the only thing that didn't make me out to be some kind of heartless, work-obsessed snob!"

"Your loss," said Scully. "That should teach you not to leave me!" She started punching him.

"Ow! Scully, you're hurting me!" Mulder started crying like a little girl.

"What's the matter, Mulder? Can't handle being beat up by a girl?" After five minutes of their fighting, Krychek decided to pop some popcorn and watch.

"Mmm…butter lover's popcorn…" he said. "So…shiny…"

Finally, Scully got off of Mulder. "And I hope you learned your lesson," she said.

Mulder had blood squirting out of his arm. Krychek noticed. "Doesn't that hurt?" Krychek asked him.

Mulder shrugged, which made more blood spurt out of his arm. "'Tis a flesh wound," he said. "Besides, I got a punch in. Right in the face!"

Scully's hand went up to her face. Her nose was bleeding. "Wait a minute…you didn't punch me. Then how did all this blood get here? AAH!" she screamed, jumping back. "My cancer's back!"

Mulder started backing away. "You bastard!" shouted Scully. "I thought you said you cured this!"

"Heh, heh," said Mulder, looking sheepishly at his shoes. "See, the thing about that is…"

"It comes back?!"

"Wait a minute," said Krychek. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?" asked Mulder.

"I couldn't hear anything over Mulder's babyish actions," said Scully.

"Ooh, big words there," said Mulder sarcastically.

"Why, you little…" Scully started strangling him not unlike the way Homer strangles Bart.

"I heard it again!" said Krychek, dropping his popcorn all over his lap, not noticing that it left a big grease stain.

Scully let Mulder go. "Hear what?" she asked.

"That stomping sound," said Krychek. "It sounds like a dinosaur."

"How the hell would you know what a dinosaur sounds like?" asked Mulder after he got his breath back.

"I play with them a lot," said Krychek. He saw Mulder and Scully's weird looks. "I mean," he stuttered, "I played with them a lot. Not now. In the past. When I was little. Heh, heh," he laughed nervously.

"Well, there can't be dinosaurs on this island," said Scully. "You said it was abandoned. Right, Mulder?"

Mulder didn't answer. "Mulder?" asked Scully, waving a hand in front of his face. She turned to where he was looking.

"AAH!" she screamed. "It's a dinosaur!"

And it was. A giant T-Rex. Mulder, Scully, and Krychek started running away, Krychek dropping his popcorn on the way.

"No!" said Krychek, starting to go after his popcorn.

"No, Krychek!" said Scully. "It's too late! Save yourself!"

"OK," said Krychek, his bottom lip trembling. They started running away again and didn't look back until…

THUNK!

They looked back. The T-Rex was on the ground, dead. "Is it dead?" asked Scully. Of course it is. I just said that. "I've found you to be pretty unreliable." Unreliable, am I? Well, unreliable this!

Suddenly, a pterodactyl swooped out of nowhere and ate Scully up.

See what I can do to you? "Yeah, sorry."

Krychek looked confused. Mulder gave him the "she's crazy" sign. Krychek nodded knowingly.

Anyhoo, the T-Rex was dead. "What killed it?" asked Mulder.

"Look at this!" said Scully, her hand covered with grease.

"Ew…what is that?" asked Mulder.

"Krychek's butter lover's popcorn!" exclaimed Scully. "The T-Rex must've slipped on it and fell to it's death!"

Krychek started drooling. "Butter…"

"Shut up, Krychek," said Mulder.

"Yeah, really," said Scully. "That joke is so overused."

Krychek snapped out of it. "Fine," he said. "But you two look out. I've got agents! I've got agents who can sue you for trying to take away my freedom of speech!"

"Those agents?" asked Scully. Since she was going through autopsy withdrawal, she had hacked open the dinosaur's stomach. She pointed inside.

"Well, I guess we know what he had for lunch," said Mulder.

"Ew…" said Krychek.

"Scully, how come you cut him open?" asked Mulder.

Scully shrugged. "Because."

"Oh, OK," said Mulder, satisfied with her answer.

"Hey, look, there's another dinosaur," said Krychek.

Scully and Mulder started laughing. "Oh, right," said Scully. "You're just doing that so then you can say 'Made you look!' when we turn around and there's no dinosaur there."

"Yeah," said Mulder. "Where's the 'dinosaur?'"

"About to eat Scully up," said Krychek.

Scully finally looked up. "Good grief," she said. And the dinosaur ate her.

"NO!!! SCULLY!!!" screamed Mulder, dropping to his knees dramatically.

The dinosaur ate him too.

"Heh, heh," said Krychek. "Little do they know I put on dinosaur repellent before I came to this island!"

The dinosaur ate him, too.

"Dammit!" said Krychek. "I put on my…my wife's perfume instead!"

"That was smart," said Mulder. They were now in the dinosaur's stomach.

"Who's going to save us?" asked Scully.

Suddenly they heard a chain saw rip through the dinosaur. The three tumbled out of the dinosaur. Scully, of course, still has perfect hair.

"Wow!" said Mulder. "That was lucky!"

"It's a good thing I was here to save you," said a voice from behind them.

It was Diana Fowley.

Scully screamed. "You!"

"Me," said Diana, smiling.

"Diana!" said Mulder. "I thought you were dead."

"No, no, no," said Diana. "Scully only told you that because she was jealous of me. So she told you I was dead."

"Scully, is this true?" asked Mulder.

"Yeah," said Scully. "But what I ever saw in you, it's gone."

"What was it?" asked Mulder.

"I don't know…" said Scully. "Your intelligence?"

"No, I don't think that's it," said Mulder. "I've still got that!" He started laughing. Then he looked at three blank faces. Mulder blushed and rubbed his legs together sheepishly.

"Idiot," said Krychek under his breath.

"That wasn't very nice," said Diana.

"Yeah, perfume boy," said Mulder. Krychek wrestled Mulder to the ground.

"Guy fight!" shouted out Diana and Scully.

"I'll make popcorn!" said Diana.

"No!" said Scully. "It's evil."

"Tell me about it," said Diana. "You gain twenty pounds from just one kernel."

"Oh, but you need it," said Scully. "How do you keep off all your weight?"

"You think I'm skinny?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, my secret is…" Diana paused dramatically. "Eat right or you'll end up looking like Skinner."

"Wow," said Scully. "Why didn't I think of that?"

So, while the women were bonding and the men were fighting, yet another person came along.

"Daddy!" shouted Mulder.

Yes, it was our favorite poster boy for Marbolo-the Cigarette Smoking Man.

"You were supposed to be dead, too," said Scully.

"Yeah, I killed you!" said Krychek.

"Well…" CSM started.

"Wait, let me guess," said Scully. "Krychek didn't actually kill you, you just had a hologram in that wheelchair."

"No, I really am dead," said CSM. "I'm just a ghost."

"Ooh…" said Mulder, drooling again. "A ghost…This calls for an X-File, Scully!"

Scully moaned. "Hey, did you like working on the X-Files?" she asked Diana.

"Not particularly," Diana answered.

"Want to work on it again anyway?" asked Scully.

"Anything for my new best friend!" said Diana.

"Woohoo!" said Scully. "I'm free! I'm finally free! Now I can get married and have a couple kids and finally grow up!"

"But you're already grown up," said a voice from the woods. A figure walked out.

"Who the hell are you?" Scully demanded.

"I'm William," he said. "I'm your son."

"You're like, thirty years old!" said Scully.

"And you're like, seventy years old!" said William. "Look in a mirror once in awhile, Mom!"

Diana handed her a mirror. Scully looked in it. "I'm not seventy," she said. "I look the same as I always do."

"Heh, heh," said William, backing into the woods. "Minor miscalculation…Gotta run!"

William started running, but tripped on a tree branch. Mulder tackled him. "Who are you and what have you done with my son?!" he asked.

"Wait, let me guess," said Scully sarcastically. "You're Spender, and CSM didn't really shoot you. It was a pop gun."

"You're right," said Spender, pulling off the mask.

Scully shook her head. "Dork."

"What was that?!" Spender asked defiantly.

"Nothing," said Scully.

"Oh, OK then," said Spender.

"So who else is invited to this party?" asked Mulder.

"Howdy!" said three men. Everyone turned around.

"Byers!" said Mulder excitedly.

"Langley!" said Krychek excitedly.

"Frohike," said Scully, disinterestedly.

"I thought you guys died, too!" said Mulder.

"Wait, let me guess," said Scully. "You guys secretly made clones of yourselves and those guys died."

"Wow, she's batting really good tonight," said Byers.

"Mulder, let's go," said Scully. "There's no X-File here, just all the people Fox Networks killed off because they figured out that the fans liked them."

Suddenly, Mulder's eyes went wide. "Scully!"

"What?"

"Do you know where we are?"

"No. Do tell."

"We're in…" Mulder paused dramatically. "The Isle of the Dead X-files Characters!"

"What?!"

"He's right," said Frohike. "Here's where all the people that you kill off go."

"I thought this island was called Korlitzagoughatin," said Scully.

"Which means Isle of the Dead X-Files Characters in Korlitzagoughatinish," explained Langley.

"Oh, that makes sense," said Scully.

Suddenly, all the dead XF characters began to close in on Mulder and Scully. "We have to get out of here, Scully!" said Mulder.

"OK!" said Scully. Miraculously enough, a helicopter showed up.

"Come on, agents!" said the pilot.

"Where'd you guys come from?" asked Mulder.

"We show up so that you guys keep your paychecks," said the pilot. "But we need one more person to take off."

"Why the hell is that?" asked Scully.

"To play spades on the way back, of course!" he said. "So, come on! Pick up your person and let's go!"

Mulder got on the helicopter and left Scully to pick up another passenger. "Well, you have a wife," she said, looking at Krychek, and then looked to Spender, "but you don't! And you made Mulder's life slightly more miserable! Let's go!"

So Scully and Spender boarded the plane. Diana followed the helicopter as it took off. "So much for us being BFF, Scully! I'll get you for this!" she screamed.

And so Scully and Spender got to know each other a lot better throughout the helicopter ride (not in that way!) and got married and left the X-Files as soon as they got back. Mulder got a new partner and brainwashed her to believe that aliens would take over the world on 12-22-2012. Meanwhile, Isle of the Dead X-Files Characters was never discovered again.

Oh, and Skinner did make it back up the stairs, but he never found out there was an elevator leading down there. So Mulder kept his job, but failed to save the world. He still acts like a third grader to this day.

So everyone turned out all right. Except, of course, the narrator, who is now scarred for life. Thank you, X-Files!

FIN

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