"One Dart In Damian's Hand Is Better Than Two In A Violent Drunk"
By Ian "Mumbles" Thomas
Of all the funny Damian stories I've heard, seen, or been a part of, I can only remember one that no one else was there for. A lot of the prime details are a bit fuzzy, since the events, as all Damian stories tend to be, were cluttered with alcohol. This is my best attempt to reconstruct it.
The night of friday Philadelphia drinking had started at the ghetto-tastic garbage jungle Face called a home. Keenan had told us about a party near by. Apparently it was a luau, but of course we weren't desperate enough for a party to dress like homotards, so we waited till everyone else was drunk at the party to show up so they wouldn't care that we didn't look as dumb as they did. We brought our own beers, but of course once we got there we were drinking whatever they would give us for free and stashed our beers somewhere else. After a couple hours, Kennan of course fagged out and left with Lauren (such was the case in those days). That left Face, Kennedy and I, who by this time had moved outside to our own beers and were pretty leveled. The party was starting to quiet down, and there were very few people worth hanging out with still there.
That's about when Damian showed up. You see, back when Damian was working at Valani, he didn't get out til 1 or 2 AM (sometimes later). Still, Damian always felt he owed it to himself to catch up quickly and be catatonic before the end of the night. We handed Damian a beer, but this wasn't quick enough for him. In no time he went inside to make friends with the people of the house so he could drink what was left of their alcohol.
Anyone who knew Damian knows what sheer skill he had in making friends. Not only did Damian have no problem talking to a complete drunken stranger, but like clockwork he would be talking to this stranger like a long-lost cousin within minutes. Closer friends of his also knew that a much drunker Damian could turn that same stranger into the fiercest enemy within minutes.
So Face and Kennedy decided to leave. I said I'd stay and hang out with Damian since he had just gotten there anyway. So I walked into the house, and miraculously, Damian was freakin plastered. Keep in mind, this is like 20-30 minutes after he got there. He had made "friends" with this cretin drunk named Gus (and anyone who knows of Gus just read that and said "Ouch!"), and was doing double shots of…I don't know. Something potent.
By the time I got in there…these two drunken idiots had decided to play darts. By this time, Gus could barely stand, much less hold a dart in his hand. Damian was well on his way. About 10 minutes into the game, I realized that with their natural dart playing skills, this was going to last for hours. It wasn't helping that they were taking huge gulps between every throw.
After his playing (and speaking) ability had completely diminished, Damian said to me, "Ian, do me a favor. I'm seeing triple. Put your hand over my eye so I can see." Why couldn't he do it with his other hand? Because that's the hand he was using to hold himself up by propping it against a table. So I have one hand over Damian's eye as he's aiming to throw this dart. His vision is clear, and he's ready to win his game. He heaves the dart....straight into the other guys ass. "YOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!" It was like a freakin cartoon, I swear. Apparently Damian didn't wait for Gus to move out of the way from collecting his own darts before Dame was creating more holes in him. Luckily, Gus found it about as funny as I did, and the game continued. Gus was even nice enough to give the dart back and not count it as a thrown one. For his safety, Gus decided to move WAY over to the side of the room to keep from being hit. For my safety, I refused to hold Damian's eye for him anymore. THE NEXT THROW, Damian beams the dart and it went straight...into Gus' foot. So by this time, Gus and Damien started yelling at each other....spilling shots on each other. I did my best to be the peacemaker and stop everything. It wasn't long again before they were making up by doing a shot together. The game was NOT finished...called off by lack of motor skills.