When I'm An Old Lady When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my son, and make his life happy and filled with such fun, I want to pay back all the joy he's provided, returning each deed. Oh, he'll be so excited .....when I'm an old lady and live with my son. I'll write on the wall with red, white, and blue; and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, will he shout! .....when I'm an old lady and live with my son. When he's on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach. Oh, he'll snap his fingers and then shake his head, and when he is done I'll hide under the bed. .....when I'm an old lady and live with my son. When my son's wife cooks dinner and calls me to meals, I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed. I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table, and when she gets angry, run fast as I'm able. ..... when I'm an old lady and live with my son. I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click, I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick, l'll take off my socks and throw one away, and play in the mud until the end of the day. .....when I'm an old lady and live with my son. And later, in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes; and my son will look down with a smile slowly creeping, and say with a groan, "she's so sweet when she's sleeping," .....when I'm an old lady and live with my son. By: Mary Ann Hopkins A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer. THE CELEBRATED MULE OF CHOWAN COUNTY "Mrs. George Wood, now deceased, of Chowan County, N.C., had a mule named Horace. One evening she called up Dr. Satterfield in Edenton and said to him, "Doctor, Horace is sick, and I wish you would come up and take a look at him." Dr.Satterfield said, "Oh, Fannie Lamb, it's after 6 o'clock, and I'm eating supper. Give him a dose of mineral oil, and if he isn't all right in the morning, phone me, and I'll come and take a look at him." "How'll I give it to him?" she inquired. "Through a funnel." "But he might bite me," she protested. "Oh Fannie Lamb, you're a farm woman and you know about these things! Give it to him through the other end." So Fannie Lamb went out to the barn, and there stood Horace, with his head down, moaning and groaning. She looked around for a funnel but the nearest thing she could see to one was her Uncle Bill's fox-hunting horn hanging on the wall, a beautiful golden-plated instrument with gold tassels hanging from it. She took the horn and affixed it properly. Horace paid no attention. Then she reached up on the shelf where medicines for the farm animals were kept. But instead of picking up the mineral oil, she picked up a bottle of turpentine instead, and poured a liberal dose of it into the horn. Horace raised his head with a sudden jerk. He let out a yell that could of been heard a mile away. He reared up his hind legs, brought his front legs down, knocked out the side of the barn, jumped a five-foot fence and started down the road at a mad gallop. Now Horace was in pain, so every few jumps he made that horn would blow. All the dogs in the neighborhood knew that when that horn was blowing it meant that Uncle Bill was going fox hunting. So out on the highway they went, close behind Horace. It was a marvelous sight. First, Horace running at top speed, the hunting horn in the most unusual position, the mellow notes issuing therefrom, the tassels waving and the dogs barking joyously. They passed by the home of Old Man Harvey Hogan, who was sitting on the front porch. He hadn't drawn a sober breath in 15 years, and he gazed in fascinated amazement at the sight that unfolded itself before his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Incidentally, he is dead now, head man of Alcoholics Anonymous in the Albemarle section of the state. By the time it was good and dark, Horace and the dogs were approaching the Inland Waterway. The bridge tender heard the horn blowing and figured that a boat was approaching. So he hurriedly went out and uncranked the bridge. Horace went overboard and was drowned. The dogs also went into the river, but swam out without very much difficulty. Now it so happened that the bridge tender was running for sheriff of Chowan County, but he managed to poll only seven votes. The people figured that any man who didn't know the difference between a mule with a horn up his rear and a boat coming down the Inland Waterway wasn't fit to hold any public office in Chowan County. Other Pages More of the Family Poems that I Like Inspirational Short Stories Linda's Personal Page Family Memorial Back to Home Page Comments, Suggestions, Favorite Links-Email Me! No Comments or Suggestions for me? How about Sign my Guest Book? Want to See Who's Signed My GuestBook? 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More of the Family Poems that I Like Inspirational Short Stories Linda's Personal Page Family Memorial Back to Home Page