Upon reaching heaven, St. Peter says that heaven has become enormous due to all the souls present so we allow new arrivals to have a car. 

However, the quality of the car is related to your faithfulness to your spouse. 

The first man approaches St. Peter who says you have cheated on your wife 16 times so you get a Pinto.

 The second man is told; you cheated 9 times so you get a  Honda Accord. 

The 3rd man is told you have been faithful to your wife so you get a Ferrari. 

Two days later the man driving the Pinto sees the man with the Ferrari crying. 

He stops and asks him why are you crying you got the nicest car.

He says I know but I saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard.

NOTICE

This department requires no

physical fitness program.

Everyone gets enough exercise

jumping to conclusions, flying

off the handle, running down

the boss, knifing friends in the

back, dodging responsibility

and pushing their luck.

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
ballooning, or rock climbing ?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be
80?"

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

An American businessman was in Japan.

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable..

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.

Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested.

Then God created woman... Since then, neither God nor man has rested

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,
"In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured
at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.

A Man and a Woman Driving

A man and woman are driving..  A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”

The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

CIA Assassin

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.   The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

A Louisiana Ghost Story

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on
a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm .
Time passed slowly and no cars went by .
 
It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand
in front of his face . Suddenly he saw a car moving
slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the
rain . It slowly crept toward him and stopped .
 
Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car
and closed the door -- only then did he realize
that there was nobody behind the wheel .
 
The car slowly started moving and the guy was
terrified, too scared to think of jumping out
and running . The guy saw that the car was slowly
approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump
out, he started to pray and begging for his life ;
he was sure the ghost car would go off the road
and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when
just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the
driver's window and turned the steering wheel,
guiding the car safely around the bend .
 
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the
hand reappear every time they reached a curve .
Finally the guy scared to near death had all he
could take and jumped out of the car and ran
to town .
 
Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice
quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then
told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps
when they realized the guy was telling the truth
and not just some drunk .
 
About half an hour later two guys walked into the
bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux,
ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was
pushin it in the rain ."

Backseat Cooking

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs
for her husband .  Suddenly her husband burst
into the kitchen .
"Careful ... CAREFUL!  Put in some more butter! 
Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once . 
TOO MANY!   Turn them!  TURN THEM NOW! 
We need more butter .   Oh my GOD! 
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? 
They're going to STICK!
 
Careful ... CAREFUL!  I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! 
Never!  Turn them!  Hurry up!  Are you CRAZY?
 
Have you LOST your mind?  Don't forget to
salt them .  You know you always forget to
salt them .  Use the salt . 
USE THE SALT!  THE SALT!
 
The wife stared at him . What the hell is wrong
with you? You think I don't know how to fry a
couple of eggs?"
 

The husband calmly replied, I wanted to show
you what it feels like when I'm driving!!

Red Skeleton's Thoughts on Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,
   have a little beverage, good food and
   companionship . She goes on Tuesdays,
   I go on Fridays .
2. We also sleep in separate beds .
   Hers is in Calif . and mine is in Texas .
3. I take my wife everywhere .....
   but she keeps finding her way back .
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
   anniversary Somewhere I haven't been in a
   long time! she said. So I suggested the kitchen .
5. We always hold hands . If I let go, she shops .
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster
   and electric bread maker. She said There are
   too many gadgets and no place to sit down!
   So I bought her an electric chair .
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
   because there was water in the carburetor .
   I asked where the car was ; she told me
    "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days .
   Then the mud fell off .
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling
   "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver
   said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember : Marriage is the number
    one cause of divorce .
11. I married Miss Right . I just didn't
    know her first name was Always .
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months .
    I don't like to interrupt her .
13. The last fight was my fault though .
    My wife asked What's on the TV? I said Dust!

For all you lexiophiles

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Do you have AAADD?

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. =
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder .
This is how it manifests :
I decide to wash my car . As I start toward the
garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table
.. I decide to go through the mail before
I wash the car ..
I lay my car keys down on the table, put
the junk mail in the trash can under the table,
and notice that the trash can is full . So,
I decide to put the bills back on the table and
take out the trash first . But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay
the bills first .
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that
there is only one check left My extra checks are
in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where
I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking .
I'm going to look for my checks,  but first
I need to push the PEPSI aside so that
I don't accidentally knock it over . I see that
the PEPSI is getting warm, and I decide I should
put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold .
As I head toward the kitchen with the PEPSI
a vase of flowers on the counter catches my
eye--they need to be watered . I set the PEPSI
down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning .

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the Plants .
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly I
spot the TV remote . Someone left it on the
kitchen table . I realize that tonight when
we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the
kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in
the den where it belongs, but first .
I'll water the flowers . I splash some water
on the flowers, but most of it spills on the
floor . So, I set the remote back down on the
table, get some towels and wipe up the spill .
  Then I head down the hall trying to remember
what I was planning to do .
   At the end of the day :
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of PEPSI sitting on the counter,
the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one check in my checkbook,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
  and I don't remember what I did
  with the car keys . Then when I
  try to figure out why nothing got
  done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy
all day long, and I'm really tired . I realize
this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get
some help for it,  but first I'll check my e-mail .
  Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet,
your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY .
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL

LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS  THERAPEUTIC!

Bud and Lou in the 21st Century:

 ABBOT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
 COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and  I'm thinking about buying a computer.
 ABBOT: Mac?
 COSTELLO: No, the names Lou
 ABBOT: Your computer?
 COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
 ABBOT: Mac?
 COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou
 ABBOT: What about Windows?
 COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
 ABBOT: Do you want a computer with windows?
 COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
 ABBOT: Wallpaper.
 COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
 ABBOT: Software for windows?
 COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
 ABBOT: Office.
 COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
 ABBOT: I just did.
 COSTELLO: You just did what?
 ABBOT: Recommend something.
 COSTELLO: You recommended something?
 ABBOT: Yes.
 COSTELLO: For my office?
 ABBOT: Yes
 COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
 ABBOT: Office.
 COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
 ABBOT: I recommend office with windows.
 COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
 ABBOT: word.
 COSTELLO: what word?
 ABBOT: word in office.
 COSTELLO: the only word in office is office.
 ABBOT: the word in office for windows.
 COSTELLO: which word in office for windows?
 ABBOT: the word you get when you click the blue w
 COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start   with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
 ABBOT: yes, you want real one.
 COSTELLO: maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. what I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
 ABBOT: real one.
 COSTELLO: if its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. can I watch them?
 ABBOT: of course.
 COSTELLO: great, with what?
 ABBOT: real one.
 COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
 ABBOT: you click the blue 1
 COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
 ABBOT: the blue 1.
 COSTELLO: is that different from the blue w?
 ABBOT: the blue 1 is Realone and the blue w is word.
 COSTELLO: what word?
 ABBOT: the word in office for windows.
 COSTELLO: but there's three words in office for windows!
 ABBOT: no, just one. but its the most popular word in the world.
 COSTELLO: it is?
 ABBOT: yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
 COSTELLO: and that word is real one?
 ABBOT: real one has nothing to do with word. real one isn't even part of office.
 COSTELLO: stop! Don't start that again. what about financial book
 keeping you have anything I can track my money with?
 ABBOT: money.
 COSTELLO: that's right. What do you have?
 ABBOT: money.
 COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
 ABBOT: it comes bundled with your computer.
 COSTELLO: what's bundled to my computer?
 ABBOT: money
 COSTELLO: money comes with my computer?
 ABBOT: yes. no extra charge.
 COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
 ABBOT: one copy
 COSTELLO: isn't it illegal to copy money?
 ABBOT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
 COSTELLO: they can give you a license to copy money?

One night Stand

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

Tribute to Marriage

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge

In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.

But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya." This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

Comparing Cats and Dogs

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want. 

2. They rarely listen to you. 

3. They're totally unpredictable. 

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 

7. They're moody. 

8. They leave hair everywhere. 

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 

4. They growl when they are not happy. 

5. When you want to play, they want to play. 

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 

7. They leave their toys everywhere. 

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss! 

9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you. 

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

Remote Control

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."

The Mistaken Wife

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home well inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit in the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all.

Her friend said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways."

The wife thought this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. At about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman, and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

At that, he replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!

Neurosurgeons

Do you know the difference between God and a neurosurgeon? God doesn't think he is a neurosurgeon!

Who earned the Presidency?

Bill and Hillary Clinton were out for a walk, when Hillary exclaimed: Bill, I used to date that man! Realizing that she was pointing to a gas jockey, Bill exclaimed: Wow, just think, you could have been married to a gas jockey! Hillary's answer: Actually Bill, just think - that man could have been President of the United States!

Walking into a Bar

A priest, a nun, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a cowboy, a lawyer, a salesman, and a blonde all walk in to a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"

Double Positive

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

The Inheritance

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

The Guys Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. 

Finally, the guy's side of the story.  

I must admit, it's pretty good. We always hear "the rules" from the female side.  

Now here arethe rules from the male side.  These are our rules!

 Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

 1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
 You're a big girl. If it's up,put it down.
 We need it up, you need it down.
 You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it
 down.

 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
 or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

 1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
 And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 1. Crying is blackmail.

 1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
 Subtle hints do not work!
 Strong hints do not work!
 Obvious hints do not work!
 Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
 almost every question.

 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
 solving it.  That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
 See a doctor.

 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
 an argument.  In fact, all comments become null and
 void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
 and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we
 meant the other one.

 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us
how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it
 yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
 say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
 neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default

 settings. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color.
 Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
 will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
 but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
 expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine...Really.

 1 . Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
 are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the
 shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

 1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to
 sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really
 don't mind that?  It's like camping.


Pass this along to as many men as you can  -  to give them
a laugh.

Pass this along to as many women as you can  -  to
 give them a bigger laugh

Here are some of the more unusual California laws still on the books:

• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• Bathhouses are against the law.
  • Get the full text of this law.
  • Why does this law exist?
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• Women may not drive in a house coat.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

Alhambra

• You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Arcadia

• Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Baldwin Park

• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere

• City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
  • Why does this law exist?

Blythe

• You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame

• It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel

• Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk.
• Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Cathedral City

• It is prohibited to sleep in a parked vehicle.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Persons may not ride their bicycles through the "Fountain of Life".
  • Get the full text of this law.
• One may not bring their dog to school.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Cerritos

• All dog "waste" must be removed from any yard within seven days.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Chico

• One must obtain a permit from the city to throw hay in a cesspool.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• It is illegal to own a green or smelly animal hide.
  
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Bowling on the sidewalk is illegal.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Driving a herd of cattle down a street is against the law.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• It is illegal to plant a garden in any public street.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Dana Point

• One may not use one's own restroom if the window is open.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Downey

• It is illegal to wash your car in the street.

El Monte

• Sandboxes may not be used as ashtrays.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Pinball machines are outlawed, as well as mock horse racing games.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Waitresses are not allowed to consume drinks bought by her customers.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Eureka

• Persons may not sleep on a road.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• One must seek written permission from the Director of Public Works before playing baseball in a city park.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Glendale

• One may not take his dog on an elevator with him.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• A person must be 18 years old to buy a wax container.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• It is illegal to jump into a passing car.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Hermosa Beach

• Public restrooms must be supplied with toilet paper.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• No person may show his or her buttocks on a playground.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• It is illegal to pour salt on a highway.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Hollywood

• It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Indian Wells

• It is illegal for a trumpet player to play his instrument with the intention of luring someone to a store.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Drinking intoxicating cement is prohibited.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Fortelling the future for donations is illegal.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Crushing rocks in the city limits is forbidden.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Lafayette

• You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi

• It is illegal to shoot "silly string" at parade participants.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Lompoc

• It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
  • Why does this law exist?

Long Beach

• Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
• It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

Los Angeles

• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
• You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
• You may not hunt moths under a street light.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• Toads may not be licked.
  • Why does this law exist?
• It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
• Zoot suits are prohibited.
  • Why does this law exist?

Los Angeles County

• All food in a children’s camp must be approved by the director before being used.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• It is illegal to set metal balloons afloat in the air.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• No person may charge admission to a house party.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• It is illegal to skateboard and roller-skate through the courthouse and library.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Norco

• Vehicles may not contain sound systems which allow someone to hear noise outside the vehicle. However, this does not apply to a vehicle which is attempting to sell something.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• It is unlawful to give another fireworks.
  • Get the full text of this law.
  • Why does this law exist?
• All persons wishing to keep a rhinoceros as a pet must obtain a $100 license first.
  • Get the full text of this law.
  • Why does this law exist?
• Growing oleander flowers is illegal.
  • Get the full text of this law.
  • Why does this law exist?

Ontario

• Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove

• It is illegal to molest butterflies.

Palm Springs

• It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena

• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Portola

• It is illegal to fish from an overpass in the city.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• One may not allow his or her dog to chase a squirrel in the summer.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• No person may carry a fish into a bar.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Prunedale

• Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands

• Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside

• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego

• It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
• The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

San Francisco

• Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
• It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
• Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.

San Jose

• It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs.

San Luis Obispo

• Using a gas-powered blower at a business on Sunday is prohibited.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Santa Monica

• You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Shasta Lake

• One may not raffle off a dog as a gift in any public place.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Simi Valley

• Remote control cars can only be driven in designated areas of city parks.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Temecula

• Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Thousand Oaks

• Before a business may have a "going out of business sale", they must obtain a special permit from the city manager.
  • Get the full text of this law.

Walnut

• Ice cream men must obtain a license before selling any ice cream from their car.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Kites may not be flown above 10 feet over the ground.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Children may not wear a halloween mask unless they get a special permit from the sheriff.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Persons may not pick flowers from the city parks.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• Males may not dress as a female unless a special permit is obtained from the sheriff.
  • Get the full text of this law.
• One may not leave sand in their own driveway.
  • Get the full text of this law.

You know your living in 2004 because:

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
 
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
 
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
 
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
 
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that theydon't have e-mail addresses.
 
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
 
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to  get an outside line.
 
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
 
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
 
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
 
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
 
AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...
 
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
 
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
 
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
 
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
 
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
 
18. AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

THE CREATION

CORPORATE AMERICA IN VERSE

 In the beginning was the plan,

And then came the Assumptions,

And the Assumptions were without form

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was on the face of the Workers

And they spake amongst themselves, saying

“It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh!”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth

“It is a pail of dung, and none may abide by the odor thereof!”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them

“It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong such that none

here may abide by it!”

And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,

“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength!”

And the Directors spake amongst themselves, saying one to another

“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong!”

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, and sayeth unto them

“It promotes growth, and it is very powerful!”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him

“This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this

company, and in these areas in particular!”

And the President looked upon the Plan,

And he said that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

WHAT TREE DID YOU FALL FROM?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. The tree descriptions are outlined below. 
This is really cool and somewhat accurate, also in line with Celtic astrology. 
 
 
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree

Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree

Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree

Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree

Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree

Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree

Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree

Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree

Mar 21 - Oak Tree

Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree

Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree

Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree

Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree

May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree

May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree

May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree

Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree

Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree

Jun 24 - Birch Tree

Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree

Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree

Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree

Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree

Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree

Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree

Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree

Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree

Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree

Sep 23 - Olive Tree

Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree

Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree

Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree

Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree

Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree

Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree

Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree

Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree

Dec 22 - Beech Tree

YOUR TREE (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (the Love) -
quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.

 

Ash Tree (the Ambition) -
 extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.

 

Beech Tree (the Creative) -
 has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.)..

 

Birch Tree (the inspiration) -
vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

 

Cedar Tree (the Confidence) -
of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

 

Chestnut Tree (the Honesty) -
of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.

 

Cypress Tree (the Faithfulness) -
strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick tempered gain knowledge, needs to be needed.

 

Elm Tree (the Noble mindedness) -
pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

 

Fig Tree (the Sensibility) -
 very strong minded, a bit self willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, a social butterfly, great sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, has artistic talent and great intelligence.

 

Fir tree (the Mysterious) -
extraordinary taste, handles stress poorly, loves anything beautiful, can become depressed at times, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them as well as helping strangers, rather modest, hard worker, talented, unselfish, few sexual relationships, many friends, doesn't want foes, very reliable.

 

Hazelnut Tree (the Extraordinary) -
charming, sense of  humor, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.

 

Hornbeam Tree (the Good Taste) -
of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

 

Lime Tree (the Doubt) -
 intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, can become a complainer, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.

 

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -
no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress. 
 
Oak Tree (the Brave) -
 robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

 

Olive Tree (the Wisdom) -
loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of  jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

 

Pine Tree (the Peacemaker) -
loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection and reassurance.

 

Poplar Tree (the Uncertainty) -
 looks very decorative, talented, not very self confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

 

Rowan Tree (the Sensitivity) -
full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive. 
 

Walnut Tree (the Passion) -
 unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

 

Weeping Willow (the Melancholy) -
likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

Fresh out of the Crate

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Retirement Notice

Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Person Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme ( Scheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel and Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not bee SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management as always pride itself for the amount of SHIT it gives to its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.