How many men does it take to open a beer?

• None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

• Because women who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

• So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

• When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

• You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?

• Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and you wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

• The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 98% of her intelligence?

• Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.

• Wedding cake.

Marriage is a three-ring circus:

• Engagement ring
• Wedding ring
• Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."

In the beginning God created the earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?

• They want to.