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June 30 - "Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all." -- Woody Allen
June 29 - "It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
June 28 - "He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed." -- Saki
June 27 - "So little time and so little to do." -- Oscar Levant
June 26 - "If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life." -- Robert Pante
June 25 - "I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away." -- Oscar Levant
June 24 - "And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle." -- Stan Dunn
June 23 - Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative." -- Oscar Wilde
June 22 - "You know its going to be a good night when there's a polar bear bleeding on the label." -- Fran (referring to a bottle of booze) Black Books
June 21 - "Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." -- G. K. Chesterton
June 20 - "The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool." -- Jane Wagner June 18 - "There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool." -- L. M. Boyd
June 17 - "I'm a private person - I'm not really the couch-punching-on-Oprah kind of guy." -- Zach Braff
June 16 - "Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together." --Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
June 15 - "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." -- Mark Twain
June 14 - "It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up." -- W. Somerset Maugham
June 11 - "Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?" -- James Thurber
June 10 - "Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends." --Woody Allen
June 9 - "Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars." -- Fred Allen
June 8 - "I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle." -- Robert Benchley
June 7 - "For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum." -- J. W. Schopf
June 6 - "Dumped twice in one night. It’s just like being 17 again but without the excessive masturbation and Depeche Mode records." -- Adam, Last Man Standing
June 5 - "Publishers are notoriously slothful about numbers, unless they're attached to dollar signs -- unlike journalists, quarterbacks, and felony criminal defendants who tend to be keenly aware of numbers at all times." -- Hunter Thompson
June 4 - "The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway, where thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." --Hunter S Thompson
June 2 - "Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath." -- Dave Barry
June 1 - "A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men." -- Roald Dahl
May 31 - "A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled." -- Sir Barnett Cocks
May 30 - "I'm on a mad trek through the Carpathian mountains searching for Vlad the Impaler...There's rabid dogs and squeaky things...I hope someday to make you all a cup of coffee." -- Johnny Depp's People's Choice Award acceptance speech.
May 29 - "Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony." -- Robert Benchley
May 28 - "Fear... Fear... Utter fear. Clowns! Clowns scare me." -- Johnny Depp
May 27 - "I'm glad I don't have to explain to a man from Mars why each day I set fire to dozens of little pieces of paper, and then put them in my mouth." --Mignon McLaughlin
May 26 - "Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish." -- Steven Wright
May 25 - "In politics, absurdity is not a handicap." -- Napoleon Bonaparte
May 24 - "Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office." -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
May 23 - "The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights." -- J. Paul Getty
May 22 - "Just because I'm not destroying myself with substances doesn't mean I'm Mr. Conformity now." -- Johnny Depp
May 21 - "I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face." -- Johnny Depp
May 20 - "There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators." -- Will Rogers
May 19 - "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." -- John Lehman
May 18 - "The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty; not knowing what comes next." -- Ursula K. LeGuin
May 17 - "Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking." -- Dave Barry
May 16 - "Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays." -- Oscar Wilde
May 15 - "Another belief of mine: that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise." -- Margaret Atwood
May 14 - "I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position." -- Pat Conr
May 13 - "Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television." -- David Letterman
May 9 - "If Bruce Springsteen is The Boss, I'm quitting." -- David Grohl
May 8 - "I grew up to have my father's looks - my fathers speech patterns - my father's posture - my father's walk - my father's opinions and my mother's contempt for my father." -- Jules Feiffer
May 7 - "Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." --George Carlin
May 6 - "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." -- Mark Russell
May 4 - "The key is to commit crimes so confusing that police feel too stupid to even write a crime report about them." -- Randy K. Milholland
May 3 - "This prison makes Abu Ghraib look like the Four Seasons!" -- Mr Burns
May 2 - "Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us." -- Jerry Garcia
May 1 - "See, that's all you're thinking about, is winning. You're confirming your sense of self- worth through outward reward instead of through inner appreciation." -- Barbara Hall
April 30 - "One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us." -- Kurt Vonnegut
April 29 - "French-Canadians," said Percy with a slight shudder. "They're neither European nor American. I don't trust them." -- Percy Hamilton-Bythorne, The Wish List
April 28 - "I found the meaning of life and had to return it to its rightful owner." -- Lucy, The Wish List
April 27 - "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." -- Cyril Connolly
April 26 - "I used to work in a convenience store, and on Sunday mornings the only thing that kept me from gutting the customers in a sleepy rage was Degrassi Junior High." --Kevin Smith
April 25 - "I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota." -- Fran Lebowitz
April 24 - "We are the ragtime army/The ANZAC/We cannot shoot, we won't salute/What bloody use are we?"
April 23 - "A happy childhood has spoiled many a promising life." -- Robertson Davies
April 22 - "Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office." -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
April 21 - "Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche -- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, 'The black cat is always the last one off the fence.' I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was undoubtedly true." -- Solomon Short
April 20 - "I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me." -- Dave Barry
April 19 - "I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on." -- Beryl Pfizer
April 18 - "I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity." -- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House
April 17 - "Paradise is exactly like where you are right now... only much, much better." -- Laurie Anderson
April 16 - "Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost." -- Russell Baker
April 14 - "The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money." -- David Richerby
April 13 - "You've got to be original, because if you're like someone else, what do they need you for?" -- Bernadette Peters
April 12 - "If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." -- Robert X. Cringely
April 11 - "To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent." -- Berton Averre
April 10 - "A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future." -- Sidney J. Harris
April 9 - "Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest." -- Alexandre Dumas April 7 - "Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug." -- Jon Lithgow
April 6 - "Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy." -- Edgar Bergen
April 5 - "Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge." -- Scott Adams
April 4 - "Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be." -- Rita Rudner
April 3 - "Do you think Chinese people get English tattoos?" -- Danny Bhoy
April 2 - "If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." -- Johnny Carson
April 1 - "Why such a big deal? What excitement, what commotion and fuss - over a single hour of one day in our life!"

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