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November 30: "On occasion, when I have been stationary, domesticated beasts have urinated liberally on my lower limbs to display their disgust with me." -- Paul McDermott
November 29: "The Television God doesn't exist, so it does you no service to pray to him. You've got to pray to the God of Programming. And the God of Programming is the most self-important, talentless, middle-of-the-road, arse-licking glorified accountant the universe ever had the displeasure to fart into existence." -- Paul McDermott
November 28: "If you have an uncontrollable giggling fit as you're pursued across the Kalahari by ferocious beasts, you'll be torn apart." -- Paul McDermott
November 27: "I have finally accepted the fact that when an object is placed in close proximity to me it will age more rapidly, expire, corrode, self-destruct or have an emotional episode. It doesn't seem to make much difference what it is: vegetable, animal or mineral, everything falls apart around me." -- Paul McDermott
November 26: "You could have an entire library stuck on a floppy but unless you could find a paper clip you wouldn't be able to get it out. The greatest power for centuries at your fingertips, to unlock the stuff of dreams or a second-rate computer game, and it's reliant on a bent strip of metal." -- Paul McDermott
November 25: "At Christmas there are numerical equations that indicate how much you are cared for, how much you are loved. The cost of the item (gift) over the income of the giver (approx.) multiplied by the amount of time spent searching is equal to the sum of their affection. With certain items - say a pair of pyjamas - I wouldn't bother with the maths." -- Paul McDermott
November 24: "Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while." -- Kin Hubbard
November 23: Some people think only intellect counts -- knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion and empathy.
November 22: No man is ever old enough to know better.
November 21: "Ideas are the raw material of progress. Everything first takes shape in the form of an idea. But an idea by itself is worth nothing. An idea, like a machine, must have power applied to it before it can accomplish anything." --B.C. Forbes, Journalist & Founder of Forbes Magazine
November 20: If Barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?
November 19: "Writing and performing doesn't really leave much time for perfecting the art of killing people with household appliances." -- Greg Fleet.
November 18: If you're happy and you know it, give dyslexic children copies of James Joyce’s Ulysses to read backwards.
November 17: If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.
November 16: Being caught between a spider mating ritual is not good for your nerves.
November 15: It makes a wife shudder to think what bad habits her husband might acquire if he did not smoke, drink and swear.
November 14: "If you haven’t paid the real wages of love or courage or abstention or discipline or sacrifice or wit in the eye of danger, then taking a psychedelic drug is living the life of a parasite; it's drawing on sweets you have not earned." -- Norman Mailer
November 13: "The chief reason why marriage is rarely a success is that it is contacted while the partners are insane." -- Dr. Joseph Collins
November 12: "I think that the insane desire one has sometimes to bang and kick grumblers and peevish persons is a Devine instinct." -- Robert Hugh Benson
November 11: Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
November 10: "Huge things when done in small increments do not seem huge, they are just a series of steps, For example, John Howard did not suddenly become a tool, he was always moving down the track to Toolsville, getting more and more toolish with each step, until one day - VOILA - a tool is born. At first he was a small hand-held tool like a screwdriver, then perhaps a power tool. Eventually, he became the industrial-sized, multi-purpose mega tool that we all know and love." -- Greg Fleet November 9: "Australia is not a militaristic or aggressive country. Australia doesn't ring other countries up and say, 'Right, other country, we're going to smack your fuckin' head in.' Well, we do, but we always ring back the next day and say, 'Sorry, we were pissed.' -- Greg Fleet
November 8: Worried about dry skin? Fine lines and wrinkles? Then visit a burns unit and get some perspective.
November 7: A skirt is no obstacle to extemporaneous sex, but it is physically impossible to make love to a girl while she is wearing trousers.
November 6: "Love, love, love - all the wretched cant of it, masking egotism, lust, masochism, fantasy under a mythology of sentimental posture." -- Germaine Greer
November 5: If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
November 4: A thousand men can't undress a naked man.
November 3: Everything is for the eye these days - TV, life, look, the movies. Nothing is just for the mind. The next generation will have eye balls as big as cantaloupes and no brain at all.
November 2: If "quitters never win," and "winners never quit," what fool came up with "quit while you're ahead"?
November 1: Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a window.
October 31: Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?
October 30: If a bomb goes off at a Paul McCartney concert during Mull of Kintyre, is it a terrorist or a music lover?
October 29: "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -- Mitch Ratliffe
October 28: Have you ever noticed people find pandas more attractive than pandas find each other?
October 27: A Rolling Stone will gather Kate Moss...eventually.
October 26: Minds are like parachutes; they work best when open.
October 24: "The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you're really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes. Because only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain." -- Richard M. Nixon
October 23: "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." -- Douglas Adams
October 22: A watched pot never boils, that's a fucking lie, it does boil...It just takes a little bit longer.
October 21: In cyberspace no one can hear you scream.
October 20: Revenge is not an option and must be held distinct from the pursuit of justice.
October 19: "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." --Napoleon Bonaparte
October 18: So much wrongness, so few words.
October 17: If used correctly a dildo can make a fantastic weapon.
October 16: There should be a Geneva Convention about killing people in saris.
October 15: Terror, like charity, begins at home.
October 14: Australian men are stupid and aggressive. They're like George W Bush, but without the easy access to an electric chair.
October 13: This one's for the Aussies in Bali... "It's moments like these you need Minties."
October 12: Is it any wonder that bikini models’ brains are probably the size of their bikinis?
October 11: If you indulge yourself in American culture you cut yourself off from world culture.
October 10: In Australia men think "root beer" is something you do.
October 9: There are three things men can do with women: love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature.
October 8: "In America only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is." Yes, thankyou Geoffrey Cottrell, I don't know who you are, but does anyone know of any prominent French writers that we might give a damn about? - Harriet.
October 7: If people don't know what's going on in the world, ultimately everyone will become Americans.
October 6: Never play cricket with frogs.
October 5: If love is a battlefield, why is camouflage attire so unattractive?
October 4: It's never a good idea to shove caterpillars up your nose.
October 3: If you must play nude Twister, make sure its with people you know.
October 2: There's a very fine line between a groove and a rut; a fine line between eccentrics and people who are just plain nuts.
October 1: Why do we never eat meat from animals that die of natural causes?
September 30: This one is dedicated to Paul McDermott since he nearly wiped me out tonight - Harriet "Always make sure your microphone is firmly attached before swinging it around in front of a live audience."
September 29: Listening creates opportunities to talk about yourself.
September 28: I'm nobody's steady date. I can always be distracted by love, but eventually I get horny for my creativity.
September 27: No one looks good in a Speedo.
September 26: Autosexuality should not be attempted on moving vehicles.
September 25: Lust well - Lust often.
September 24: A watched pot does boil...It just takes a little longer.
September 23: Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will cause permanent psychological damage.
September 22: Never judge a book by its cover. Read the whole thing in the bloody bookshop first and then decide if you wish to purchase it.
September 21: Good things come to those who wait, shit shows up straight away.
September 20: An erect penis should not be used to mix cake ingredients - a spoon should always be used.
September 19: If nothing sticks to TEFLON how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
September 18: Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
September 17: I've never failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that it won't work.
September 16: It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there...Confuse the hunters.
September 15: Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...it has no survival value; rather it gives value to survival.
September 14: Sarcasm is sexy on the right man.
September 13: Fondue is an intrinsically funny word, like "kumquat" and "rotunda."
September 10: Vulnerability is the doorway to humiliation.
September 8: When you're attractive it’s hard to concentrate.
September 7: Cool people are often just depressed folk.
September 6: A big nose can be an icebreaker.
September 5: Without a spark in your eye you're just emitting gas.
September 4: If you know your hosts are dog lovers, step in some mince before visiting them.
September 3: Gimmicks can hold people's attention while you think of something to say.
September 1: Hovering a few centimetres above a chair will make you appear more charismatic.

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