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February 28 - A husband is one who stands by you in troubles you wouldn't have had if you hadn't married him.
February 27 - "I was in love with a beautiful blonde once - she drove me to drink - 'tis the none thing I'm indebted to her for" -- W.C. Fields
February 26 - "Why will a man say, "No sense in calling an electrician - I can fix that" - and we spend the rest of the evening in total darkness?" -- Gyspy Rose Lee
February 25 - "Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat." -- Oscar Wilde
February 24 - The only way to get rid of temptation is to give into it.
February 23 - "Alcohol is the cause and solution to all life's problems" -- Homer Simpson
February 22 - Booze creates employment for publicans, police, doctors and undertakers.
February 21 - An artist is the human debris that hangs around a work of art.
February 20 - Illegal aliens have always been a problem, ask any Aboriginal.
February 19 -"People who have been on holiday and haven't yet caught up with what's on the telly may like a condensed synopsis. Don Burke: "Water the fish fern!" Dr Phil: "Pull yourself together!" John Edward: "Dead people say, 'Hi'." -- Kaz Cooke
February 18 - "It's not year clear why scientists are not taking seriously the claims of a bunch of shriekingly mad ninnies with a tedious, standard alien obsession and early Star Trek dress sense, led by an utter ning-nong desperate for a root." -- Kaz Cooke (on that lovely Raelian cult)
February 17 - I'm not cynical, I just have an incredible lack of awe for everything and everyone.
February 16 - It's not missing a deadline that I hate so much, it's the shouting that accompanies it.
February 15 - I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
February 14 - I finally found the perfect man, but he had already found the perfect woman.
February 13 - "I do not spoil women...I don't send them flowers and gifts...I am saving those gestures until I am an unpleasant old man who must resort to bribery to win a woman's synthetic affections" --George Sanders
February 12 - “My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs, Apple founder
February 11 - "We've hired the handicapped." -- Robin Williams (on President Bush)
February 10 - "Women don't like porn because it has no plot line." -- Gretel Kileen
February 9 - I was at a hospital recently and there was one handicapped carpark and that's wrong, it’s not good enough. Because hospitals are pretty much where handicapped people are made. They should all be handicapped car parks except for one, that way you'll have handicapped people circling the car park going "Look, look I've found a park, oh damn it's an able bodied park. Damn it, wish I had a permit." -- Peter Helliar
February 8 - "We all have a fervent wish that George Bush gets better." -- Wendy Harmer
February 7 - This novel is not to be tossed aside lightly. Hurl it with great force.
February 6 - Fiction has to make sense, so truth is naturally stranger.
February 5 - The most essential gift for a writer is a built-in-bullshit detector.
February 4 - Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
February 3 - Everyone was so concerned about the Titanic, no-one stopped to wonder how the iceberg felt.
February 2 - Maybe God's motives aren't so noble, maybe he just kills us for fun.
February 1 - To steal from one is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
January 31 - "TV is evil. It attracts more talentless low-lifes than Amsterdam" -- Paul McDermott
January 30 - "When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools" -- William Shakespeare
January 29 - "Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
January 28 - If looks could kill, I'd have a nasty bruise.
January 27 - Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely. -- Erma Bombeck
January 26 - I'm not a pessimist, just a disillusioned optimist.
January 25 - Aiding and abetting the enemy used to be called treason, now they call it foreign aid.
January 24 - If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
January 23 - "There is a tendency to judge a race, a nation or any distinct group by its least worthy members." Eric Hoffer
January 22 - If a cat gives birth to a kitten in a stove, are the offspring biscuits?
January 21 - My faulty perception doesn't necessarily mean my conclusions are wrong.
January 20 - "You never told me this was for children? I hate children. I'd raise money to have the little fuckers put down." -- Alex (Ewan McGregor) in Shallow Grave
January 19 - Fuck terrorism, Australia is a danger unto itself.
January 18 - We only despise flattery when it's directed at others.
January 17 - Humpty Dumpty was pushed by the CIA.
January 16 - If the music is good, people talk and, if the music is bad, people listen.
January 15 - When everything's going great, you've overlooked something.
January 14 - So much routine, so little reason.
January 13 - He tells the truth as often as the weather bureau.
January 12 - The greatest minds suffer most from their own limitations.
January 11 - We participate in public opinion without the inconvenience of having to think for ourselves.
January 10 - When smashing monuments, keep the pedestals, they come in handy.
January 9 - Art is the reasoned derangement of the senses.
January 8 - "There are no archeologists in South Australia, they're too scared to turn the soil." -- Anthony Morgan
January 7 - "If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it." -- Anais Nin
January 6 - There's nothing wrong with me, it's the world that's abnormal.
January 5 - "They fear for my sanity, my unfortunate yet immediate demise, the mess I'll make when I hit rock bottom." -- Paul McDermott
January 4 - Never have an affair with someone you work with, it's like buying your meat from a newsagent.
January 3 - A cynic is not a vegetarian because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
January 2 - Family reunions are the greatest justification for birth control.
January 1 - Love needs to grow on, unless you're a stalker.
December 31 - "New Years Eve - in one swift act of purging we rid ourselves of the old skin of the fading year and prepare to snuggle into the soft skin of the new. We normally manage to do this by staying up all night and losing any sense of decency." -- Paul McDermott
December 30 - Sure beauty is only skin deep, but what do you want, an adorable pancreas?
December 29 - War is the ultimate male ego trip.
December 28 - If it’s not on fire then it’s a software problem.
December 27 - Sex without love is just another bodily function.
December 26 - I don't drink water because fish fornicate in it.
December 25 - Friendship is God's apology for the family he gave you.
December 24 - "The moment arrives when you tear away the wrapping paper and the gift is not quite what you were expecting. The look of sadness that slurries across your face is impossible to disguise: that pretence of a smile curling into a sneer, the moisture in the corner of your eyes, that interminable silence as the room waits on your reaction and there is only one response you can ever make. 'I love it! WOW! Who would have thought of that as a present? A batik handbag and a plastic folding straw-look sunhat! Only you Nan, only you could have got me that.'” --Paul McDermott
December 23 - "The days grow shorter as your list of commitments grows longer. A few more hurdles and the end of the year is in sight. On the horizon a golden crest of sunshine beckons. Christmas is coming and another year is condemned to memory." -- Paul McDermott
December 22 - "I love the Springer show, I love what it says about American society at the moment." -- Paul McDermott
December 21 - "Christmas is a terrifying time when we tread a tightrope between loss and gain, love and hate. It is a time for judgement and reassessment. It is a time of defining ourselves in relation to others, and we do this by comparing - comparing what we got to what they got. You gave a state-of-the-art handmade juicer from Dusseldorf that took two weeks to find, she gave a pair of nylon-mix socks from Target." -- Paul McDermott
December 20 - "The 'stroke of midnight' is not a euphemism." -- Paul McDermott
December 19 - "We'd all get to where we were going a lot quicker if we drove ambulances." -- Paul McDermott
December 18 - "I say: give me an anally retentive 'the germs are out to get me' cleanliness freak with bare hands rather than an arse-scratching, nose-picking gutter dweller with rubber gloves on." -- Paul McDermott
December 17 - "It is one of the great riddles of Christmas that we are so concerned with being generous we have very little time for kindness. You could be wearing a tutu, urinating into the salad and no-one would notice." -- Paul McDermott
December 16 - "You're that poor, sad looking Christmas tree in the corner. Each piece of tinsel, each tiny wooden Santa, every coloured ball, drags your branches even lower. Overloaded with baubles, bound by flashing lights and unbalanced, you are about to topple into the middle of the lounge." -- Paul McDermott
December 15 - "Disturbing the pure white sand is a multitude of different-coloured bodies from all over the world, all surviving under a bitterly hot sky and it is here that as a nation, currently divided, we are truly one. It doesn't matter what faith we profess, our sexual preference or if we have a job, sooner or later we all end up at the beach." -- Paul McDermott
December 14 - "Christmas is not about buying things, its about selling them and selling them at outlandishly high prices." -- Paul McDermott
December 13 - I had a Terry Toweling bathrobe and I don't know where it is?
December 12 - "How often have you stood there inanely smiling while a distant voice says, 'If it doesn't fit you can take it back or swap it for something you like?' You want to be honest but find yourself lying. 'No, it looks great on me!' You long to say, in as gentle way as possible, 'It's the wrong colour, the wrong size. I hate it! Get me something decent! I don't care if it is 11am on Christmas Day. Take it back! How could you think, even in your most deluded fantasy, that I would think that thing is attractive?' Your mind is screaming 'It's crap!' But the words that dribble out of your mouth are, 'No, no, it's fine. It'll stretch.'” -- Paul McDermott
December 11 - "I wonder if the Teletubbies have different sexual organs or if they are hermaphrodites or if they reproduce asexually like seahorses?" -- Stewart Lee
December 10 - "By means of shrewd lies, unremittingly repeated, it is possible to make people believe that heaven is hell – and hell heaven. The greater the lie, the more readily it will be believed." -- Adolf Hitler
December 9 - "A casual trawl of the internet reveals many disturbing trends. Adolescent humour, pop groups, conspiracy theories, meerkats, nuclear weaponry, and behind the fluffy facade is the ever-present spectre of pornography." -- Paul McDermott
December 8 - "They wanted me to be a hobbit but they couldn't make me look taller and less hairy." -- Paul McDermott (on Lord of the Rings)
December 7 - "The way to a happier life is through ignorance - ask anyone; just ask them slowly." -- Paul McDermott
December 6 - "I realise it's only a matter of time before the oven attacks me, a box drops on my head or the toaster makes a grab for my soul." -- Paul McDermott
December 5 - Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
December 4 - "I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness." -- Alicia Silverstone is obviously sharing the same brain cell as Britney Spears...
December 3 - "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." -- And this is just the type of insightful comment we'd expect from you, Britney Spears...
December 2 - "Santa is a jolly thief, a jolly red giant who steals every penny you save over the course of the year. Saint Nick or Ol' Saint Nick have more in common with their names." -- Paul McDermott
December 1 - "There's a sickness in our cities that is becoming a cultural pandemic: council approved street art. The reason we have art galleries is to keep this sort of stuff off the street. What sort of world are we creating for our kids when bad 'art' can flourish anywhere?" -- Paul McDermott

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