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May 31 - "If being an egomaniac means I believe in what I do and in my art or music, then in that respect you can call me that ... believe in what I do, and I'll say it." -- John Lennon
May 30 - "And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt." -- Sylvia Plath
May 29 - "One of the great disappointments of a football game is that the cheerleaders never seem to get injured." -- Author Unknown
May 28 - "Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity." -- Frank Leahy, Look, 10 January 1955
May 27 - "I do not mean to be the slightest bit critical of TV newspeople, who do a superb job, considering that they operate under severe time constraints and have the intellectual depth of hamsters. But TV news can only present the ‘bare bones’ of a story; it takes a newspaper, with its capability to present vast amounts of information, to render the story truly boring." -- Dave Barry
May 26 - "They kept asking what I'd done. Well if they gave me the bloody job I would have done something!" -- George (Gigi Edgely, The Secret Life of Us)
May 25 - "The creative person is both more primitive and more cultivated, more destructive, a lot madder and a lot saner, than the average person." -- Frank Barron, Think, November-December 1962
May 24 - "The weak are the most treacherous of us all. They come to the strong and drain them. They are bottomless. They are insatiable. They are always parched and always bitter. They are everyone's concern and like vampires they suck our life's blood." -- Bette Davis
May 23 - "Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill." -- Henry Louis Mencken
May 22 - "Romance is dead - it was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece." -- Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons
May 21 - "I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty." -- John Waters
May 20 - "To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." -- Don Schrader
May 19 - "What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don't want to discourage it completely." -- Franklin P. Jones
May 18 - "It's hard enough to write a good drama, it's much harder to write a good comedy, and it's hardest of all to write a drama with comedy. Which is what life is." -- Jack Lemmon
May 17 - "Men have always detested women's gossip because they suspect the truth: their measurements are being taken and compared." -- Erica Jong
May 16 – "Good girls do swallow but bad girls ask for seconds." -- Harriet Monroe
May 15 - "Before we work on artificial intelligence why don't we do something about natural stupidity?" -- Steve Polyak
May 14 - "Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve." -- Andy Rooney
May 13 - "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional." -- Chili Davis "When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other." -- Alan Alda
May 12 - "Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional." -- Chili Davis
May 11 - "I believe that always, or almost always, in all childhoods and in all the lives that follow them, the mother represents madness. Our mothers always remain the strangest, craziest people we've ever met." -- Marguerite Duras
May 10 - "Woman in the home has not yet lost her dignity, in spite of Mother's Day, with its offensive implication that our love needs an annual nudging, like our enthusiasm for the battle of Bunker Hill." -- John Erskine
May 9 - "The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless." -- Nicholas Chamfort
May 8 -“Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” -- Charles Schultz
May 7 - "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not." -- Andre Gide
May 6 - "We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
May 5 - "You think you're over it, the past is in the past but then you realise you're full of shit and you're as angry and bitter as you ever were." -- Evan Wilde (Samuel Johnson, The Secret Life of Us)
May 4 - "Whoever thinks of going to bed before twelve o'clock is a scoundrel." -- Samuel Johnson
May 3 - "If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standards of nonconformity." -- Bill Vaughan
May 2 - "But if it's just the word that makes vegetarians uneasy why not call beef 'animated cow fruit'?" -- Will Anderson
May 1 - "The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates." -- Dave Barry
April 30 – “Individuality is either the mark of genius or the reverse. Mediocrity finds safety in standardization." -- Frederick E. Crane
April 29 - "There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer." -- J.H. Goldfuss
April 28 - "The poor little Americans need to have jokes explained to them sometimes, they're a little bit slow." -- Dame Edna Everage
April 27 - "I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands. When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands; then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat. For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that." -- W. Dayton Wedgefarth
April 26 - "Between the penis and the mathematical one ... there exists nothing. Nothing! It is a vacuum." -- Louis-Ferdinand Céline
April 25 - “Cynical is the name we give those we fear may be laughing at us.” -- Stephen Fry, The Hippopotamus
April 24 - "Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." -- Erica Jong
April 23 - "I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?" -- Ernest Hemingway
April 22 - "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." -- W. C. Fields
April 21 - "They are still out there - the eggs we never discovered. Thirty went out and only twenty-eight made it home. Tucked away under the blades of the Victa two-stroke, shoved down the side of a compost bin or in the back of an unused tool kit, they're out there somewhere, in every backyard across this nation - the eggs that never came back." -- Paul McDermott
April 20 - "I have become unpopular at Easter gatherings. I confess I've pushed young children out of the way to get to the letterbox first. I locked an astute child in a cupboard to keep him out of the running. I am the Philby, Burgess and Maclean of the quest: I have pretended to be an adult, helped hide the eggs and then swapped sides and joined the kids." -- Paul McDermott
April 19 - "Last Easter I crawled along a ledge in an apartment block five storeys above the ground just to get to an egg that I had placed there." -- Paul McDermott
April 18 - "When you had the prize you could tell how much your parents loved you. In the family you could be impartial - but in the schoolyard it was another. The true test came the next day at school, when you described the type of egg (or eggs) you received. You endured an intensive study concerning the nature of the chocolate, whether or not the gift (or gifts) included any other kind of confectionary, the design and style of the packaging, and the consumer code information and approximate price. Standing alone on the handball courts with your pathetic paper train of caged eggs you realised the sad truth was your parents didn't love you." -- Paul McDermott
April 17 - "I would have dragged my arse along a razor-wire fence if there had been an egg waiting for me at the end of it." -- Paul McDermott (on Easter egg hunting)
April 16 - "By the time you swear you're his, / Shivering and sighing, / And he vows his passion is / Infinite, undying - / Lady, make a note of this: / One of you is lying." (Dorothy Parker, 1893-1967, US writer)
April 14 - "In every gathering of thirteen, expect one guest will turn out to be a Judas."--Aleister Crowley
April 13 - "Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious." -- William Feather
April 12 - "Bullshitting is lying convincingly and with a winning smile." -- Arthur Lotti
April 11 - "Education is the process of driving a set of prejudices down your throat." -- Martin H. Fischer
April 10 - "We covered 'Hey, Jude.' My father panicked, misunderstanding the lyrics and thinking our lead singer was belting out 'Hey, Jew' to a roomful of Holocaust survivors." -- Ben Stiller (former teen drummer, on his band's inauspicious debut at his bar mitzvah, Jews Who Rock)
April 9 - "I love Los Angeles. I love Hollywood. They're beautiful. Everybody's plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic." -- Andy Warhol (Holy Terror: Andy Warhol Close Up)
April 8 - "Contempt for the world is what allows me to continue living in it." --Matthew Lotti
April 7 - "If it is the dirty element that gives pleasure to the act of lust, then the dirtier it is, the more pleasurable it is bound to be." --The Marquis de Sade
April 6 - "An original writer is not one who imitates nobody, but one whom nobody can imitate." -- François-René de Chateaubriand
April 5 - "What makes us human is our capability to imagine, to cast ourselves as the heroes in the mental adventures of our own design. When one stops dreaming one might as well die, for there is nothing for which living is more worthy than one's imagination." -- Odie Henderson
April 4 - "When I first ventured online as a wide-eyed youth, the Internet was bursting with the promise of a whole new world. What it proceeded to give us was mainly overpriced pornography, pedophiles, spam, belligerent teenagers, and people who fuck dogs." -- Skander Halim
April 3 - "If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." -- Jack Handey
April 2 - "Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man, living in the sky, who sees everything you do and wants you to follow a special list of things. Ten things, or he'll send you to a place of fire, and smoke, and death, and crying forever and ever. But ... he loves you." -- George Carlin
April 1 - "The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right." -- Woody Allen
March 31 - "I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio." -- Joan Rivers
March 30 - "I know we're not saints or virgins or lunatics; we know all the lust and lavatory jokes, and most of the dirty people; we can catch buses and count our change and cross the roads and talk real sentences. But our innocence goes awfully deep, and our discreditable secret is that we don't know anything at all, and our horrid inner secret is that we don't care that we don't." -- Dylan Thomas
March 29 - "If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean." -- Sarah Silverman
March 28 - "Is it mere coincidence that for there to be quirk you have to have IRK in it?" -- Julia Dunn
March 27 - "But screw it, you know, this is the first time in the history of our country that we are an aggressor and we are not an aggressive nation or people. It is not a fight for humanity. It is a fight for oil and screw it and screw them. I think we should all pull out and leave a peaceful existence down here." -- Heath Ledger on Australia's involvement in Iraq
March 26 - "I question the logic of cloning a large, swarthy man with a big black moustache in a country that seems to be entirely populated by large, swarthy men with big black moustaches. Maybe that's what scientists should do. Round up a bunch of big blokes with moustaches, put them all in dictator outfits and tell Saddam they're him. He'll never know the difference!" -- Paul McDermott (on Saddam Hussein being cloned) Good News Week, 1997
March 25 - “If I had my choice I would kill every reporter in the world but I am sure we would be getting reports from hell before breakfast." --General William Tecumseh Sherman
March 24 - "I don't understand people who like to work and talk about it like it was some sort of goddamn duty. Doing nothing feels like floating on warm water to me. Delightful, perfect." -- Ava Gardner
March 23 - "No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power." -- Patrick Jake O'Rourke
March 22 - Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
March 21 - You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
March 20 - “Naturally the common people don't want war. But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament or a communist dictatorship. All you have to do is to tell them that they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." -- Hermann Goering
March 19 - "Is there a quiet place to lie? / Maybe watch this all go by / Wonder how can we survive / Wasting energy, where's the enemy?" --Song lyrics from Where's the Enemy? by the Whitlams
March 18 - "Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you." -- Robert A. Heinlein
March 17 - "This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one." --Arthur C. Clarke
March 16 - "I owe it all to little chocolate donuts." -- John Belushi
March 15 - "Somewhere, there is a very fat and very naked hairy man jumping up and down in the shower singing a country song. Think about that the next time you ask to be omniscient." -- Anonymous, from a ThinkGeek.com customer
March 14 - "Anyone who behaves obscenely, even if only in literary description, reveals himself as a mixture of human being and sex-object. Which is, by the way, part of the fun." -- Christian Enzensberger, Smut: An Anatomy of Dirt
March 13 - "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian." -- Dennis Wholey
March 12 - "I've got about the attention span of a gnat on speed." -- Thom Yorke, lead singer of Radiohead
March 11 - "Art is a jealous mistress, and if a man has a genius for painting, poetry, music, architecture or philosophy, he makes a bad husband and an ill provider." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
March 10 - "Most directors make films with their eyes; I make films with my testicles." --Alejandro Jodorowsky
March 9 - "I've always considered writing the most hateful kind of work. I suspect it's a bit like fucking, which is only fun for amateurs. Old whores don't do much giggling." -- Hunter S. Thompson, on Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
March 8 - "Frank and explicit; that is the right line to take when you wish to conceal your own mind and to confuse the minds of others." -- Benjamin Disraeli
March 7 - "Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come." -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
March 6 - "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." -- Ambrose Bierce
March 5 - "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do." -- Dale Carnegie
March 4 - "I don't trust or love anyone. Because people are so creepy. Creepy creepy creeps. Creeping around. Creeping here and creeping there. Creeping everywhere. Crippity crappity creepies." -- Vincent Gallo
March 3 - "Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly." -- Rose Franken
March 2 - "I'd move to Los Angeles if Australia and New Zealand were swallowed up by a huge tidal wave, if there was a bubonic plague in Europe, and if the continent of Africa disappeared from some Martian attack." -- Russell Crowe
March 1 - "I'd rather get a job wiping Saddam Hussein’s arse." -- Bridget Jones

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