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August 31 - "Ninety percent of everything is crap." -- Theodore Sturgeon
August 30 - "They're so swell-headed they think they're actually targets, which they should be" --Robert Altman [on the film stars scared to fly after September 11]
August 29 - "They're so swell-headed they think they're actually targets, which they should be" -- Robert Altman [on the film stars scared to fly after September 11]
August 28 - "The only gossip I'm interested in is things from the Weekly World News - 'Woman's bra bursts, 11 injured'. That kind of thing." --Johnny Depp
August 27 - "Whenever I ask, "Why me?" a voice always says, "So who else did you have in mind?" – Ziggy
August 26 - "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours." -- Eric Idle
August 25 - "Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob." -- Conan O'Brien
August 24 - "These days the ibis is most often seen in the company of pigeons (the rats of the air) and seagulls (the pigeons of the sea). I have no idea what goes on in mind of the ibis: it may think the other birds look up to it. It's like the big dumb kid at school who hits puberty first, the kid you send in to get fags and booze. The truth is, the only reason those mongrels hang around is to feed on the scraps the ibis drops. These scavengers are using the ibis and the dwarf stork is too stupid to figure it out." -- Paul McDermott
August 23 - "I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face." -- Dana Carvey
August 22 - "I don't need drugs. Life is already tragic enough." -- Eddie Vedder
August 21 - "You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice." -- Dana Carvey
August 20 - "Any human anywhere will blossom in a hundred unexpected talents and capacities simply by being given the opportunity to do so." -- Doris Lessing
August 19 - "I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with." -- Denis Leary
August 18 - "We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one fucking bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!" -- Denis Leary
August 17 - "Everyone probably thinks that I'm a raving nymphomaniac, that I have an insatiable sexual appetite, when the truth is I'd rather read a book." – Madonna
August 16 - "Oh Lord, bless this thy hand-grenade but with it thou might blow thy enemies to tiny bits in thy mercy." -- Monty Python
August 15 - "Don’t make decisions in anger or humiliate an enemy after defeating him." -- Saddam Hussein
August 14 - "The first man to compare the cheeks of a young woman to a rose was obviously a poet; the first to repeat it was possibly an idiot." -- Salvador Dali
August 13 - "My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet. She’s now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia." -- Dame Edna Everage
August 12 - "I woke up and joyfully realised that a miracle had occurred. I wasn't hungover. Tequila was brilliant. I was never going to drink anything else ever again. Then I realised it was still dark and after a bit of groping around I found my watch, discovered that it was 5:30am and finally figured out the reason I wasn't hungover was because I was still drunk." -- Isabelle Beckett, Love Struck
August 11 - "It is not necessary for the public to know whether I am joking or whether I am serious, just as it is not necessary for me to know it myself." -- Salvador Dali
August 10 - "How sad and bad and mad it was - but then, how it was sweet." -- Robert Browning
August 9 - "If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush..." -- Dawn French
August 8 - "Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered." -- Al Capp
August 7 - "Fashon is the abortive issue of vain ostentation and exclusive egotism: it is haughty, trifling, affected, servile, despotic, mean and ambitious, precise and fantastical, all in a breath -- tied to no rule, and bound to conform to every whim of the minute." -- William Hazlitt
August 6 - "Every man should have a college education in order to show him how little the thing is really worth." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
August 3 - "Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh." -- George Bernard Shaw
August 2 - "It's a point of view. To me, tragedy is if I cut my finger. That's tragedy! It bleeds and I'll cry and I'll run around and I'll go into Cedar Sinai for a day and a half, I'm real nervous about it. And to me, comedy is if you walk into an open sewer and die, what do I care? My finger is important to me." –- Mel Brooks
August 1 - "If you spend your life on a moral hill-top, you see nothing but the mud below. If…you live in the mud itself, you get a damned good view of clear blue sky and clean green hills above. There's none so evil-minded as those with a moral mission, and none so pure in heart as the depraved." –- Stephen Fry, The Hippopotamus
July 31 - "I believe everybody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have the ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string." -- Scott Adams
July 30 - "People don't pay enough attention to internal organs. It's time my pancreas got kudos." -- Daniel McInness
July 29 - "The only difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck." -- Author Unknown
July 28 - "The universe expands in all directions, but the planets still go round in circles. Sometimes you can end up right where you started. At these times you can't look back because therein lies madness. You just have to make a new beginning as a new person. Or of course, you can go the other way: you're you. Maybe life has certain patterns that you can't escape. And at such a time you can be with someone and so much in love that it's frightening. Suddenly you're different. This love will define you for the rest of your life." -- Evan Wylde
July 27 - "Never feel self-pity, the most destructive emotion there is. How awful to be caught up in the terrible squirrel cage of self." -- Millicent Fenwick
July 26 - "Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." -- Robert Byrne
July 25 - "I could eat alphabet soup and shit better lyrics." -- Johnny Mercer, on a British musical
July 24 - "Protect everything, detect everything, contain everything - obsessional society. Save time. Save money. Save our souls - phobic society. Low tar. Low energy. Low calories. Low sex. Low speed - anorexic society." -- Jean Baudrillard
July 23 - "Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter." -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
July 22 - “Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought- particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.” -- Woody Allen
July 21 - "Avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord." -- Romans 12:19
July 20 - "I am accustomed to sleep and in my dreams to imagine the same things that lunatics imagine when awake." -- Rene Descartes
July 19 - "In this prostituting society, we all have to hustle, and I'd rather suck cock than kiss ass!" -- Margo St. James
July 18 - "Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral Arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea..." -- Douglas Adams
July 17 - "I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me." -- Hunter S. Thompson
July 16 - "Perseverance is the most overrated of traits, if it is unaccompanied by talent; beating your head against a wall is more likely to produce a concussion in the head than a hole in the wall." -- Sydney J. Harris
July 15 - "Being outside the loop of society has definite advantages. For starters there's no 9-5 commuter madness to contend with, no boss to tell you what to think, feel, wear. Being outside the loop means the day is yours: the smell of fresh-cut grass, sunshine. Daytime sex is more than just a weekend possibility." -- Evan Wylde
July 14 - "Writing is like diving into a black hole. Starting out as a leap of faith, you've got maybe a vague idea of what you want to write about, but nothing more than a loose idea for a character or a couple of lines of dialogue. But you blunder on anyway, not knowing where it'll take you. That's the exciting bit: you journey along with the characters and soon those characters gain flesh and then plot which barely existed a thought ago starts revealing itself. And soon things jump out and surprise you; the whole process is a wonderful laboured accident. So when after a couple of years you finally read over the rough draft and find you hate almost every laboured word of it, you know you've got problems." -- Evan Wylde
July 13 - "My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
July 12 - "If you cant annoy somebody, there’s little point in writing." -- Kingsley Amis
July 11 - "Few people think no more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once a week." -- George Bernard Shaw
July 10 - "Nobody's interested in sweetness and light." -- Hedda Hopper
July 9 - "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring family in another city." -- George Burns
July 8 - "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." -- Herm Albright, quoted in Reader's Digest, June 1995
July 7 - "It's a fine line between the courageous thing and the stupid, beating your head against a wall thing. In the end there's no way to tell. Occasionally though you'll battle on and somehow you'll get a happy ending." -- Evan Wylde
July 6 - "Our fuck-ups define us more than our good deeds. They're the ones that everyone remembers anyway. Days later, the memory still hurts. Weeks, months, you try not to think about it. Ten years later, it might raise a smile... and the people on the other end of it all nurse their battle scars. They've seen our dark side and they have to decide whether they can forgive us for it." -- Evan Wylde
July 5 - "It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it." -- Oscar Wilde
July 4 - "Night time is really the best time to work. All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone else is asleep." -- Catherine O'Hara
July 3 - "It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?" -- Ronald Reagan
July 2 - "Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering." -- Pooh's Little Instruction Book, inspired by A.A. Milne
July 1 - "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it." -- Author Unknown
June 30 - “The weirder you’re going to be, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.” – P.J. O’Rourke
June 29 - "I have been devoured all my life by an incurable and burning impatience: and to this day find all oratoty, biography, operas, films, plays, books, and persons too long." -- Margaret Asquith
June 28 - "What's the matter with you guys? The sight of blonde hair knocks you three rungs down on the evolutionary ladder." -- From the television show Civil Wars
June 27 - "If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesnt work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child." –Anonymous
June 26 - "How do people go to sleep? I’m afraid I’ve lost the knack. I might try busting myself smartly over the temple with the night-light. I might repeat to myself, slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things." -- Dorothy Parker
June 25 - "When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap." -- A. Whitney Griswold
June 24 - "You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip." -- Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"
June 23 - "If things aren't working out between you and your girlfriend, you split up. If you're married and it's not working out, you get a divorce. If major grief is going down between you and your best mate, you ignore it and hope it goes away." -- Evan Wylde
June 22 - Why do we never talk about nipples being flaccid?
June 21 - "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling into at night. I miss you like hell." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
June 20 - "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities." -- Matt Groening
June 19 - "In saying what is obvious, never choose cunning. Yelling works better." -- Cynthia Ozick
June 18 - "I hate cameras. They are so much more sure than I am about everything." -- John Steinbeck
June 17 - "I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments." -- Jim Morrison
June 16 - "A research study showed 99% of all researchers are good in bed." -- Daniel McInnes
June 15 - "Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one." -- E.B. White
June 14 - "When I'm running around thinking I'm a fire truck I think that's a good sign to stop drinking." -- Daniel McInnes
June 13 - "For me, insanity is super sanity. The normal is psychotic. Normal means lack of imagination, lack of creativity." -- Jean Dubuffet
June 12 - "If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered." -- Robin Tyler
June 11 - "You're as likely to get through to him if you burble mindlessly at him whilst tossing geraniums standing on a garden gnome." -- Source Unknown
June 10 - "Given that external reality is a fiction, the writer's role is almost superfluous. He does not need to invent the fiction because it is already there." --J. G. Ballard
June 9 - "Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest -- then we can all die laughing." -- Lily Tomlin
June 8 - "Show me a frigid women and, nine times out of ten, I'll show you a little man." -- Julie Burchill
June 7 - "Gnomes live ten times faster than humans. They're harder to see than a high-speed mouse. That's one reason why most humans hardly ever see them. The other is that humans are very good at not seeing things they know aren't there. And, since sensible humans know that there are no such things as people four inches high, a gnome who doesn't want to be seen probably won't be seen." -- Terry Pratchett, Wings
June 6 - "You know what rock musicians are? They are hung up, neurotic, over-weight hippies with sex problems." -- David Lee Roth
June 5 - "An autobiography can distort, facts can be realigned. But fiction never lies. It reveals the writer totally." -- V. S. Naipaul
June 4 - "Never wear anything that panics the cat." -- P.J. O'Rourke
June 3 - "I think that one of the qualifications of artists should be a vow of celibacy. They should be confined to ruining only their own lives." -- Roger Lewis
June 2 - "Leave it to the universe? The universe is completely arbitrary and capricious and needs to be fought at all costs." -- Evan Wilde (Samuel Johnson, The Secret Life of Us)
June 1 - "Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals." -- John Steinbeck

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