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May 31 - "When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained." -- Edward R. Murrow
May 30 - "We'll just be happy if we bring back the fondue. We're sure as shit happy hey?" -- Ash, My Restaurant Rules
May 29 - "I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart." -- e e cummings
May 28 - "Where justice is denied, where poverty is enforced, where ignorance prevails, and where any one class is made to feel that society is an organized conspiracy to oppress, rob and degrade them, neither persons nor property will be safe." -- Frederick Douglass
May 27 - "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." -- Johnny Carson
May 26 - "Do you think my mantra, Dead Birdy...Dead Birdy, is messing with my karma?" -- From the 2004 Cat Cartoon-A-Day Calendar
May 25 - "Gravity is a contributing factor in 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects." -- Dave Barry
May 24 - "The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't." -- Douglas Adams
May 23 - "I was having hassles - freaky stalker stuff that I didn't want to deal with. I wasn't working only for people to start standing outside my house day after day. They were staring in my windows, leaving stupid carnations in my letterbox and hassling my girlfriend." -- Paul McDermott
May 22 - "Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony." -- Robert Benchley
May 21 - "Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperatelly? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down." -- Russell Baker
May 20 - "Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin, the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is the only universal capital crime; the sentence is death, there is no appeal and execution is carried out automatically and without pity." -- Excerpt from the notebooks of Lazarus Long, from Robert Heinlein's "Time Enough for Love"
May 19 - "The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee." -- Tellis Frank
May 18 - "If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day." -- John A. Wheeler
May 17 - "Been there, done that, watched the video, cried all night." -- Jo Collins, Small Claims
May 16 - "I feel that America is essentially against the artist, that the enemy of America is the artist, because he stands for individuality and creativeness, and that's unAmerican somehow. I think that of all countries — we have to overlook the communist countries of course — America is the most mechanized, robotized of all." -- Henry Miller, The Paris Review
May 14 - "I think it's easy to mistake understanding for empathy - we want empathy so badly. . . It's hard and ugly to know some-body can understand you without even liking you." -- Thomas A. Harris, Hannibal
May 13 - "Old men should be able to agree so young men don't have to die." -- Lieutenant General James Conway, First Marine Expeditionary Force, Iraq
May 12 - "Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
May 11 - "Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work." – Gallagher
May 10 - "Jesus was obviously on the Atkins diet. Chiselled muscles, tight abs - very intimidating." --Jack Black
May 9 - "Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." -- Dave Barry
May 8 - "Careful?! Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a coat hanger while I was still in the womb?" -- Trey Parker
May 7 - "The word 'hero' has been bandied about a lot to refer to anyone killed in Afghanistan or Iraq. But anyone who voluntarily goes to Afghanistan or Iraq [as a soldier] is fighting for an evil cause under an evil commander in chief." -- Ted Rall, American political cartoonist
May 6 - "Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus." -- Bob Rubin
May 5 - "Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious." -- Brendan Gill
May 4 - "Being idle is very hard work because everyone is against you." -- Oscar Wilde
May 3 - "I personally don't care whether you stay, quit ot turn into one of those weirdos that grows a beard of bees." -- J.D, Scrubs
May 2 - "Books have to be read (worse luck it takes so long a time). It is the only way of discovering what they contain. A few savage tribes eat them, but reading is the only method of assimilation revealed to the West." -- E.M. Forster
May 1 - "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -- Douglas Adams
April 30 - "The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas-covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away, and think this to be normal, is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be." -- Douglas Adams
April 29 - "Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential..." -- William Thomas
April 28 - "I died of blushing mortification, turned over in bed. Snap! That's all I needed! Watering eyes and bruises a boy can't discuss with his GP." -- Fergus McPhail, from the book Fergus McPhail by David McRobbie
April 27 - "Paper should be edible, nutritious. Inks used for printing or writing should have delicious flavors. Magazines or newspapers read at breakfast should be eaten for lunch. Instead of throwing one's mail in the waste-basket, it should be saved for the dinner guests." -- John Cage
April 26 - "Of all the bastards of places, this is the greatest bastard in the world." -- I. I. Idriess, Gallipoli, 1915
April 25 - "We're all demented sinners in the same cosmic boat--and the boat is perpetually sinking." -- Aldous Huxley
April 23 - "This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd, because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy." -- Douglas Adams
April 22 - "I was recently asked what it takes to become a writer. Three things, I answered: first, one must cultivate incompetence at almost every other form of profitable work. This must be accompanied, second, by a haughty contempt for all the forms of work that one has established one cannot do. To these two must be joined, third, the nuttiness to believe that other people can be made to care about your opinions and views and be charmed by the way you state them. Incompetence, contempt, lunacy — once you have these in place, you are set to go." -- Joseph Epstein
April 21 - "Deep underground, lonely and afraid, hide the thousands of fan fiction stories. Contorted, twisted and ashamed to show their faces, they live in the hope that one day someone will erase them, putting them out of their misery." -- Steven Gates, Tripod
April 20 - "I couldn't only do one thing--I don't want the personal hell of oneness." -- Itzhak Perlman
April 19 - "Drugs have done a lot of good. A lot of good songs have been written. 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. 'Dark Side of the Moon?' 100 dead kids. At least that many were conceived by people listening to that record anyway." -- Bill Maher
April 18 - "There are one hundred and ninety nine ways to beat, but only one way to win; get there first." -- Willie Shoemaker
April 17 - "How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours." -- Wayne Dyer
April 16 - "A writer should create living people; people, not characters. A character is a caricature." -- Ernest Hemingway
April 15 - "This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one." -- Arthur C. Clarke
April 14 - "Paula Abdul is half Arab and half Jew. We Should send her to the Middle East and hopefully, that'll be the end of her." -- Comedian on Premium Blend
April 13 - "I'm not a bad person, I workd hard, I recycle!" -- Conner O'Neill, Neighbours
April 12 - "All I need is Vaseline and the will to go on." -- Josh C. Collins
April 11 - "Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See"
April 10 - "Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won't stay there." -- Clarence W. Hall
April 9 - "You live and learn. At any rate, you live." -- Douglas Adams
April 8 - "I have never doubted that religious phenomena are only to be understood on the pattern of the individual neurotic symptoms familiar to us." -- Sigmund Freud
April 7 - "Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter." -- Fran Lebowitz
April 6 - "Trifles make perfection, but perfection is no trifle." – Michelangelo
April 5 - "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." -- Johnny Carson
April 4 - "I'm a hero with coward's legs. I'm a hero from the waist up." -- Spike Milligan
April 3 - "All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays." -- Cathy Ladman
April 2 - "Vice, virtue, it's best not to be too moral - you cheat yourself out of too much life. Aim above morality." -- from the movie "Harold and Maude"
April 1 - "Propel, propel, propel your craft softly down liquid solution. Ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, ecstatically, Existence is simply illusion." -- Fred Rogers, parody of "Row, row, row your boat" on his television show, "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood."
March 31 - "I believe that mink are raised for being turned into fur coats and if we didn't wear fur coats those little animals would never have been born. So is it better not to have been born or to have lived for a year or two to have been turned into a fur coat? I don't know." -- Barbi Benton, former Playboy bunny
March 30 - "You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do." -- Olin Miller
March 29 - "None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married." -- Ed Howe
March 28 - "It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes." -- Douglas Adams
March 27 - "I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight." -- Mark Twain
March 26 - "I have no respect for people with low self-esteem. You don't need to love yourself, you just have to hate a bunch of other people and grade yourself on the curve. 'Hey I suck, but not as much as Hitler.'" -- Jeff Stilson
March 25 - "The purpose of life is to fight maturity." -- Dick Werthimer
March 24 - "I didn't lie, I was writing fiction with my mouth." -- Homer Simpson
March 23 - "The thought of eating cake makes me happy." -- Carl Barron
March 22 - "Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
March 21 - "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" -- George Carlin
March 19 - "The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair." -- Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
March 18 - "It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear." -- Douglas Adams
March 17 - "In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular." -- Laurence J. Peter
March 16 - "Write something to suit yourself and many people will like it; write something to suit everybody and scarcely anyone will care for it." -- Jesse Stuart
March 15 - "I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe." -- Richard Gere
March 14 - "Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards." -- Robert Heinlein
March 13 - "If little else, the brain is an educational toy." -- Tom Robbins
March 12 - "Only the mediocre are always at their best." -- Jean Giraudoux
March 11 - "They certainly give very strange names to diseases." -- Plato
March 10 - "Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?" -- George Price
March 9 - "If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done." -- Peter Ustinov
March 8 - "It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
March 7 - "The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet." -- William Gibson
March 6 - "The only thing worse than not having a job is looking for one." -- Bruce McCulloch
March 5 - "Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world." -- Peter York
March 3 - "The prospect of a long day at the beach makes me panic. There is no harder work I can think of than taking myself off to somewhere pleasant, where I am forced to stay for hours and 'have fun'." -- Phillip Lopate
March 2 - "You can't ever be really free if you admire somebody too much." -- Tove Jansson, Tales from Moominvalley
March 1 - "You can always tell you’re in trouble when the good option involves a prosthetic leg." -- Hugh Elliott

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