Kirsty yawned as she sauntered into the kitchen, looked up and noticed the very bare backside of a very toned man and wondered if she wasn’t still dreaming.
          “Something wrong?” the man asked, looking at Kirsty who was in the middle of pinching her arm.
          “Uh no,” Kirsty blushed, trying not to look down. “I’m glad you’ve taken the no pants policy in this house seriously.”
          “Sorry, couldn’t find them,” the man chided. “I’m Ryan by the way.”
          “Kirsty,” she smiled, trying not to say something embarrassing and stupid. “I might just, uh, go take a shower.”
          “Ok, nice to meet you,” Ryan perked as he placed a glass in the sink.
          “It’s nice to meet all of you,” Kirsty declared, then looked horrified and scurried off as Ryan chuckled.

          Penny was frantically cleaning the house while Chris pretended to doze on the lounge. Whilst the house was clean, Penny knew that it was still small and in the wrong suburb.
          “Why are you cleaning?” Chris asked, opening an eye.
          “Because we’re having visitors.”
          “When?” Chris asked as the doorbell rang.
          “Now,” Penny went to the door. “I promised I wouldn’t take you out but I never promised I wouldn’t invite anyone over.” She smiled as he scowled at her.
          “Christopher!” Angie chirped as she strode into the room.
          Chris gasped, “So this was why you gave me the blow job!”
          “You did not just say that aloud,” Penny grimaced as she closed the door.
          “Ah I remember blow jobs,” Arthur sighed wistfully.
          “Dad No!” Chris gasped in horror.
          “This is a quaint little place you have here Penny,” Angie sneered as she perched on the very edge of a squashy armchair.
          “Would anyone like tea?” Penny asked, trying to break the tension that had suddenly filled the room.
          “I’d love one thanks Penny. Wouldn’t mind a drop of something special in there if you’ve got it,” Arthur said smiling at her.
          “Not a problem. Angie would you like something?” Penny asked with as much warmth as she could muster.
          “No thanks. I’m on a strict diet.”
          “Chris do you want something?”
          “How about you locked in a basement and being fed only fish heads,” Chris suggested wryly.
          “I don’t have a basement darling but I’ll make you a peppermint tea,” Penny chirped as she bustled into the kitchen.
          “Christopher I don’t see why you have to stay cooped up in this hovel when you have a perfectly fine room at home,” Angie said in a hushed voice.
          “I used to enjoy making love to my beautiful girlfriend here but that’s not going to be happening for a long time now. No siree, she’s not getting near my lucky charms,” Chris sighed and shook his head sadly.
          “They weren’t so lucky were they son?” Arthur smirked.
          “Dad can you get your head out of your crotch,” Chris snapped, his cheeks turning a little pink.
          “Darling will you not use the word crotch in public,” Angie scolded as Penny came back with the teas.
          “Are you sure I can’t get you anything Angie?” Penny asked. “A pair of tongs maybe to get whatever it is up your arse out?” Angie looked like her recently botoxed face was going to explode; Chris’s peppermint tea almost came out of his nose while Arthur choked on his tea while trying not to laugh.
          “Oh sponge cake!” Penny suddenly declared and dashed back into the kitchen and returned moments later with some plates and a beautifully decorated cake.

          “Does your friend always get flustered when she finds a naked man in her kitchen?” Ryan asked as he climbed back into bed.
          “No, that would be a first for her,” Julia’s mused, her reply muffled by the quilt over her head. “Do you have to work today?” she added, poking her head from under the quilt.
          “No it’s the weekend.”
          “You might have to water some pansies or something.”
          “No but there’s some serious rooting I have to do,” he murmured, sinking under the quilt.
          “I wouldn’t have thought…oh that kind of rooting,” Julia gasped as she realised what he meant. “Allow me to assist you in any way I can,” she added, joining him beneath the sheets.

          Kirsty looked at her phone. She wasn’t going to call him even though she knew he was going to Melbourne that day and she wouldn’t see him for a month. Nothing was going to make her call him, even the thought that he might find love over in Melbourne. Ok that could convince her. She had just picked up the phone to call him when it beeped. She had an SMS from Ross…’I miss you. Xxx.’
          “Aw” she whined and stuck the phone under the cat to prevent herself from replying to it. She was a strong woman and didn’t want to be turning into one of these sappy, needy types. She had started to stroke the cat and her hand was almost on the bit of the phone that was sticking out from under him when there was a scream of ‘oh my god I love bulbs’ from the neighbouring room but she didn’t think it was a conversation about gardening. She snatched up her remote from the bedside table and turned her stereo up very loudly, filling the house with the suicidally depressing Nick Cave.
          “Put something cheerier on!” Julia yelled out to her.
          “Fine,” Kirsty skipped CD and the first song to be played was Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing.”
          “Bitch,” Julia mumbled into Ryan’s toned chest.

          Rob was sitting on Ross’s bed watching him throw clothes into a suitcase.
          “Are you thinking about folding any of those?” Rob asked amused.
          “She didn’t text me back.”
          “I’m going to go out of the room and come back when you’ve changed the record,” Rob announced but didn’t move.
          “Have I forgotten anything? I’m sure I’ve forgotten something,” Ross muttered as he looked around the room, thinking.
          “Do you have underwear?” Rob suggested.
          “Underwear! That’d be an idea,” Ross dashed to his underwear drawer, pulled out several pairs and shoved them into the case.
          “You have Spiderman undies?” Rob laughed, looking at the blue and red undergarments in his brother's hands.
          “Kirsty bought me these,” Ross sighed as he gently packed those.
          “You are so sad.”
          “Am I crazy? Maybe I shouldn’t go to Melbourne. They might hate me there and Kirsty might find someone new while I’m gone.”
          “If she falls for me, she falls for me. What can I say? I’m just a babe magnet,” Rob perked.
          “If you even breathe near her I’ll rip your face off,” Ross threatened narrowing his eyes.
          “But she’s a free woman brother,” Rob mused sliding off the bed. “And free women get needy.” He ducked as a dictionary just missed hitting him in the head.
          “If you’re so dedicated to her how come you’re taking a box of condoms with you anyway?”
          Ross looked at the box of condoms in his hand then dropped them onto the bed. “Force of habit.” He pondered a moment before picking them back up and dropping them into his bag. “Not a word,” he told Rob.

          “Your Aunty Coreen bought herself a new piano,” Arthur announced to the uncomfortably silenced room.
          “I never realised she had an old one,” Chris said blankly. “Besides, I thought her fingers were wracked with arthritis?
          “Oh terribly, she’s always in pain but her new lover…”
          “Friend, Dashiel is just A friend,” Angie cut in harshly.
          “Of course dear,” Arthur smiled. “Well he plays a little.”
          “What happened to Frederick?” Chris asked out of boredom more than a real desire to know.
          “That revolting man was just after poor Coreen’s money,” Angie hissed.
          “That’s terrible,” Penny said, feigning any real concern. She felt Chris lean closer to her ear.
          “They’re always after her money,” his whispered and kissed her cheek.
          Angie cleared her throat. “So I assume you will be going home soon Christopher.”
          “Maybe,” Chris chided. “But I’d prefer it if you weren’t there when I do.”
          “Me,” Angie almost gagged. “I’m your mother, I want to look after you while you recover darling.”
          “I know and I appreciate the thought mum,” Chris smiled. “But Pen is quite capable. I mean if I’m going to marry her one day she should get used to taking care of my whingeing arse.”
          Penny bit her lips to stop her mouth from falling open. That was very nearly a marriage proposal. She looked quickly to gauge the reactions of everyone else. Arthur was smiling but that could have been the whisky he’d been tipping into his coffee. Angie looked mortified but that could also be because Chris said ‘arse’.
          “Christopher darling,” Angie managed to spit out after several seconds. “Don’t you think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself?”
          “Just thinking of the future,” Chris shrugged, a pleased grin desperately wanting to creep onto his lips.
          “The future,” Angie said with a cold laugh. “Darling how long do you think she’s going to last moving in our circles?”
          Penny’s short burst of joy suddenly shattered and she felt the urge to burst into very hurt tears. The only thing stopping her was that Chris’s arm that was around her, holding her tighter and closer.
          “Fuck your circles,” Chris said with the utmost calm. “And if all you’re going to do is insult Penny then I’d rather you left.”
          “Christopher I just think we should talk about this…” Angie began but stopped when Chris clutched his abdomen.
          “Are you ok?” Penny gasped and Chris nodded.
          “I think there’s too much stress.”
          “We should go,” Arthur announced getting to his feet. “Come along Angela.”
          “Do you want me to get a doctor?” Angie almost begged but Chris motioned for her to leave.
          “I’ve got some tablets, Pen will get them for me.”
          Penny ushered Angie and Arthur out and closed the door as she emitted a relieved sigh. “I’ll go get your painkillers,” she declared and looked back at Chris who was smirking. “Chris…”
          “Fleeting pain,” he giggled and bit his lip.
          “Bad man,” Penny gasped but then smiled and shook her head.
          “Sorry about mum,” Chris breathed as Penny walked back over and joined him on the couch. “I don’t care what she or anyone else says. You know that right? They can have their pompous parties and fancy houses but I’d be happy to live in a caravan so long as I’m with you.”
          “Sweet talker,” Penny cooed as brushed her lips against his. “Did you mean what you said?
          “About what?”
          “About marrying me?”
          Chris smiled coyly, “That seems to have totally slipped my mind…no idea what you’re on about…”

          Julia reluctantly pulled her lips away from Ryan’s, their simple goodbye kiss had spilled over into about twenty minutes. She had a strong desire to spend the rest of the day exploring the realms of his naked, tanned skin but unfortunately Lynda had called and she was being summoned to a wedding organisation meeting.
          “I’ll call you,” Ryan smiled as he headed toward his ute.
          Julia let out pleased sigh, took one last glimpse of his very nice rear and then headed back inside.
          She made her way to the bathroom but stopped and decided to see if Kirsty was still home. The door was closed, she knocked and then opened it and found her friend surrounded by tissues and hugging a rather crushed looking teddy bear.
          “You ok?”
          “Fucking brilliant,” Kirsty blubbed as Julia crawled onto the bed beside her.
          “He’ll only be gone a month,” Julia soothed.
          “I’m not upset about that.”
          “Oh.”
          “We broke up.”
          “What? I thought you guys were getting back together?”
          “We decided it wasn’t worth it, not with him going away,” Kirsty sniffed and dabbed her eyes with a tissue.
          “But that’s ridiculous,” Julia gasped. “You two adore each other like two love sick elephant seals.”
          “Elephant seals?”
          “I couldn’t think of a better analogy,” Julia shrugged and Kirsty gave a weak smile. “So you’re just gonna let him hop on that plane without actually telling him you love him and want his babies?”
          “Pretty much,” Kirsty whimpered, tears rolling down her cheeks. “He sent me a text,” she added motioning to the cat.
          “You’ll lost me now,” Julia said blankly.
          “Phone is under Perry.”
          “Ah,” Julia mused and retrieved the phone. She flicked through the messages and read the last message from Ross. “Why are you blubbering if he misses you?”
          “Because we broke up and he’s not allowed to miss me,” Kirsty sniffled.
          Julia shook her head. “I have to go out as Lyn wants me to do something for the wedding. I can’t remember what exactly because I don’t really care,” she paused. “Will you be ok while I’m out? Not going to jump in the bath with the toaster?”
          “We don’t have a bath,” Kirsty snuffled.
          “Lucky,” Julia smiled, squeezed her friend’s shoulder and headed out the door as Kirsty let out a small sob.

          “Will you stop looking at the door like an abandoned puppy,” Rob sighed, jolting his brother out of a rather long staring match with the frequently opening doors of the airport terminal.
          “Sorry,” Ross sighed dejectedly. “I just thought she might’ve come.”
          “You broke up,” Rob frowned. “Why would she?”
          “Because I still love her.”
          Rob closed his eyes and counted to ten. “Then why did you break up dickwit?”
          “I thought it was what she wanted,” Ross groused and quickly added, “which she clearly does because she never replied to my text message nor has she turned up here.”
          “Oh yeah,” Rob countered. “I’m sure that’s why.”
          “What do you mean by that?”
          “I guarantee she’ll be bawling he eyes out, missing you like hell as we speak.”
          “So you’re a relationship expert now?”
          “No, but she’s a chick and that’s what they do.”
          Ross shook his head and unsubtlety took another look at the door as the boarding call for his flight was called. “Shit, that’s me!”
          “You better go,” Rob said gingerly, not sure he wanted his big brother to go away for a month now.
          “Yeah, look after my apartment,” Ross said with mock sternness. “No parties.”
          “Yes Dad,” Rob chided as they wrapped each other up in a hug. “Anything else?”
          “Tell her I’ll see her when I get back.”
          “Will do,” Rob smiled as they pulled apart. “Good luck man, knock ‘em dead.”
          Ross shot his brother a cheeky grin before he headed toward the departure doors with his boarding pass in hand.

          “…And finally we have the pale blue semi-silk tablecloths with orchid swirl patterns,” enthused a rather over excited sales woman called Diana in what seemed like the 400th store Julia had been in.
          It had only a brief glimpse of white linen before the soul sucking had started. Julia concluded that it must be the most tedious of tasks next to being forced to scour wedding magazines for hairstyles for the blushing bride.
          “What do you think Jools?” Lynda asked, her overt excitement painfully obvious.
          “I thought the white ones were just fine.”
          “What white ones?”
          “The white ones.”
          “We’ve looks at stacks of white ones.”
          “Exactly, there’s no need to narrow it down,” Julia shrugged. “Just pick some white ones and move on.”
          “I preferred the blue,” one of the other bridesmaids piped up and Lynda turned to her beaming.
          “Me too!”
          “But I thought you wanted white.”
          “Well I want blue now.”
          “Then you’ll have to change the flower displays.”
          “Then I will.”
          Julia narrowed her eyes, noting that she could easily strange her sister with the pale apple green cotton table linen that was in arms reach but instead decided to go outside for some fresh air.
          The tiny linen store was situated among some other obscure sellers, including hydroponic suppliers, what appeared to be Indonesian furniture imports and a strange little knick-knack shop. Beyond that was a Salvation Army outlet and Julia decided that would be the most interesting place to wander while she waited for Lynda and the million people she’d invited.
          She stepped into the store and began wandering the clothes racks. Homemade jumpers, 80s jackets and garish parachute pants seemed to take up a lot of room. A leather jacket caught her attention, but it was too small for her. She was sure it would fit Kirsty though and she decided to pick it up for her in an attempt to cheer her up a bit.
          Julia rounded the rack of tragic looking denim jeans when she caught a familiar figure pawing through the children’s clothes. “Are you stalking me?”
          “Why would I do that?” Liam frowned and Julia noticed his plaster was gone but he still had a walking stick.
          “You’re healed,” she remarked.
          “Hardly,” he said curtly and looked at the size on a blue t-shirt.
          “Looking for something in particular?”
          “Jack needs clothes,” Liam said, an ashamed look on his face. “I’m broke.”
          “Since when?”
          “Since I haven’t been able to work and got sacked.”
          “Shit, I’m sorry.”
          “Doesn’t matter,” Liam mumbled as he reached for a pair of jeans. “Sorry I’ve been an arsehole,” he added, not looking at her.
          “Hey, now I know why,” Julia sighed. “You should have said something.”
          “It’s not something I’m exactly proud of,” Liam shrugged.
          “Well hey if you need any…”
          “No, no charity, please.”
          “Ok, but y’know the offer is there.”
          “Thanks,” Liam smiled wryly. “You’re far nicer to me than I deserve.”
          “I’ve been linen shopping with Lyn,” Julia remarked. “All my fury is directed at her.”
          “Weddings are so overrated,” Liam nodded. “I plan to elope.”
          “Me too,” Julia said, amused that she’d always wanted to elope and never mentioned it to Liam.
          They looked at each other a moment before Liam piped up. “Getting a jacket huh?”
          “Oh it’s for Kirsty,” Julia sighed. “She and Ross have broken up because they love each other.”
          “I thought they were back on?”
          “Who knows,” Julia laughed. “Anyway, thought I’d try to cheer her up before we run out of tissues.”
          “You’re a good friend,” Liam smirked as Julia’s phone began to ring.
          “Oh I’ll just get that,” Julia perked and grabbed her phone from her bag. “Hello? Oh hey Ry you sexy hunk of manhood. Huh? Well I have got to console Kirsty but once she’s plonked in front of the TV with a packet of TimTams I’ll come round. Ha, yeah, but that’s not the type of rooting in the bed that you get paid for,” she threw back her head and laughed loudly before finishing her call and hanging up. “I better get going,” Julia smiled. “Seeya round.”
          “Yeah,” Liam said blankly then realised he was pouting. She did have a new lover, a virile one by the sound of it. He stared at the rack of clothes for a few seconds before it occurred to him that an unfamiliar feeling was gripping him at that moment. He was jealous.