“Come on, get up,” Julia insisted as she tore the covers from Kirsty’s bed. “You’ve been moping for two weeks and personally I’m going to slap you up and down the hall if you don’t snap out of it.”
          “I’m fucking miserable,” Kirsty snorted, her eyes only half open. “You never just snap out of it.”
          “Well it’s about time you tried,” Julia scorned as Kirsty reluctantly pulled herself from the mattress.
          “Whatever,” Kirsty shrugged as she headed out of the room toward the bathroom.
          Julia sighed as she dropped the covers back on the bed and went to open the window. She could tolerate the first few days of Kirsty’s heartbreak but after a fortnight she was beginning to worry about her friend. Hell, Kirsty had even lost weight, which was insane, seeing as her diet had primarily consisted of chocolate. Julia vowed to kick Ross’s arse until he couldn’t sit for a year when he got back from Melbourne.
          Kirsty reappeared from the bathroom a short while later. She was sporting her favourite jeans, boots and grumpy Felix shirt. Julia looked up as she sauntered into the living room.
          “I’m bathed can I go continue being depressed in a corner now?” she sniped, flumping onto a couch.
          “No,” Julia grinned, leaping up from the couch and dragging Kirsty up from where she was sitting. “We’re going shopping!”
          “Maybe I don’t want to go shopping,” Kirsty frowned. “Did you ever think of that?”
          “Oh you’re right,” Julia mused and paused a moment. “No, I still don’t care what you want,” she smiled and shoved Kirsty out of the front door.

          Ross woke to find himself face down in his hotel room mattress. He pulled his head up, realised the room was swimming and promptly dropped it again. Melbourne was turning out to be quite an experience with lots of insane parties nearly every night. The previous night’s party had been full of up and coming and well-known comedians. The drink had been flowing non-stop, as had quite a few illegal substances. He couldn’t remember what he’d ingested, well actually he couldn’t remember anything past the bottle of tequila that was shoved in front of him.
          Taking a deep breath Ross rolled onto his back. He realised something was missing and it soon became apparent that his pants appeared to have disappeared. There was also the possibility something had died in his mouth and a small animal was burrowing in his forehead. He was pondering just giving in and dying when the phone rang. He reached for it more to make it stop than to actually answer it.
          “Hello,” he said in a voice so deep and gruff it sounded disembodied and not his.
          “Good morning Ross darling, it’s Katie here. Just checking that you’ve remembered the interview on Triple M at 8:30.”
          Ross blearily looked at his watch. It was 7:30am. He was sure he hadn’t been at the hotel more than an hour. He groaned and wished Katie, his newly acquired manager, would inadvertently die from a horrible mobile phone related incident.
          “Are you still there darling?”
          “Barely.”
          “I’ll pick you up in twenty.”
          “You don’t have to.”
          “Ciao!”
          Ross heard the dial tone and began to whimper.

          “We didn’t have to come you know,” Penny sighed as she walked arm in arm with Chris through the large rose arbour that led into the back garden of someone named Mrs Pamela Landon-Bartholomew. The garden was already a thriving hub of action with groups of well to do folk battling with other well to do folk about who had the biggest house/most expensive car/most impressive facelift.
          “Christopher darling, so glad you could make it!” beamed a thrilled Angie as she flew over with a glass of champagne clutched firmly in her brightly painted claws. She paused when she noticed both Chris and Penny were in dressed down jeans and shirts. “Oh, did you bring clothes to change into?”
          “No mother,” Chris sighed. “I’m still a mite tender and this is more comfortable for me to wear.”
          “I’m too poor to buy garden party frocks,” Penny added, tongue in cheek.
          “Of course you are dear,” Angie said, looking pitifully at Penny.
          “Christopher how are you darling?” piped up another woman who Penny believed was a Mrs Cynthia Brackston-Peete.
          “Much better, thankyou,” Chris smiled and nodded. “Whoever thought a pancreas was so useful.”
          “Oh bless you Christopher,” Mrs Brackston-Peete cooed. “At least it was all for an honourable cause.”
          “Slamming your car into a tree because you’re pissed is an honourable cause?” Penny mused in a tone that was quiet enough to be ignored.
          “Sorry, you’ve lost me,” Chris said blankly. “Mother, have you been telling porkies?”
          “I…Chris…” Angie’s botoxed cheeks almost flushed as she whipped around and caught another guest in conversation.
          “Do you have to go to court?” Mrs Brackston-Peete continued unabated. “To testify?”
          “Bless you Cyn,” Chris beamed and led Penny through the throngs to a quiet, shaded spot where Joe was sitting with his mouth gaffer taped over and a ‘Free the Refugees’ sign.
          “Hey Joe,” Chris and Penny said in unison and Joe rolled his eyes.
          Angie reappeared and looked ashamed at Joe before turning to Penny with a fake smile. “Penelope darling, could you come with me a moment?”
          “Uh,” Penny said, startled. Angie never ever paid her attention. “Is this a trap?” she added, looking at Chris.
          “Probably but go anyway,” Chris enthused. Penny followed Angie into the crowd and Chris turned back to his brother. “Do you have any more of that tape? I think I might join your protest.”

          “Here, eat,” Julia demanded, thrusting a Donut King bag into Kirsty’s hands.
          “I’m not hungry,” Kirsty frowned and looked dejectedly at the pink bag.
          “It’s a dinosaur doughnut. You love dinosaur doughnuts!” Julia wailed. “What’s happened to you huh? You don’t want to look at jeans, you bypassed the chocolate aisle, wouldn’t even entertain the Vince Vaughan movies. Hell, I couldn’t even get you to tell me for then ten millionth time that you need to buy a new atlas.”
          “I do need a new atlas,” Kirsty pouted. “My old one if from 1975.”
          Julia raises an eyebrow, “You know what. I don’t think I can take one more second of you moping about and being all lovesick, it’s just not normal.”
          “I can’t help it,” Kirsty shrugged. “I’m fucking miserable.”
          Julia sat in deep thought for a moment and then got to her feet. “Eat your doughnut. I’ll be back.”
          Kirsty sighed and picked at the icing on the doughnut as she watched Julia disappear down the mall. She’d given in and polished the whole thing off by the time Julia returned. “You took your time.”
          “I bought you a ‘cheer up you’re giving me a breakdown’ present!”
          “Is it more chocolate?”
          “Nope,” Julia smiled and passed an envelope to Kirsty.
          “Have you sold me to someone?” Kirsty mused curiously.
          “No,” Julia smiled. “Wish I’d thought of that though!”
          “Bitch,” Kirsty scorned and then went wide-eyed. “This is a plane ticket to Melbourne.”
          “Yep, plane leaves in a couple of hours,” Julia grinned. “If sorting out things with Mutt is what it takes for my friend to return to normal then so be it.”
          “I don’t quite know what to say…” Kirsty said still stunned by the gesture.
          “How about ‘thankyou’ and ‘I’ll pay the water bill’?” Julia jeered and Kirsty smiled for the first time in weeks.

          “Jesus Anderson, what the hell have you been doing?” Katie frowned as Ross fell into the cab beside her.
          “Getting to know the locals,” Ross muttered as he leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes.
          “Well you better be coherent for this interview. Do you have any idea what it takes to get someone on breakfast radio?”
          “I’ll be fine, thankyou.”
          “You have to do a lot of arse kissing.”
          “That’s nice.”
          “Are you even listening to me?”
          “I like cheese.”
          “ROSS!”
          “Calm down Katie,” Ross yawned. “The world will not end because I’m seedy.”
          “Yes but your place under my management might!”
          “Oh feisty.”
          “Ross!” Katie hissed as her phone began to ring again. “We’ll have to stop for coffee.”
          “And a Big Mac and Fries.”
          “You’re completely disgusting you know that!” Katie snapped and then squeaked. “No sir, not you,” she added into the phone.
          Ross internally groaned and closed his eyes tighter. So the party hard side of him hadn’t been active in about seven years but it helped quell his growing sense of dissatisfaction and loneliness even if it was destroying the general state of his health.

          “Penelope darling,” Angie beamed as she escorted Penny to a plush sitting room. There was a group of about six women, all about Penny’s age, sitting around drinking some expensive looking bubbly. “I thought since Christopher seems so…uh…attached to you, that you should mingle with that sort of people you shall be expected to in our circles.”
          Penny raised an eyebrow. “Uh, thanks I think.”
          “Girls, this is Penelope,” Angie declared to the guests.
          “Oh super,” mused a rather leggy brunette. “You’re Christopher’s new friend aren’t you?”
          “Yes,” Penny nodded as Angie made herself scarce.
          “Is it true you’re from Elizabeth?” piped up a pretty blonde swilling her drink in its glass.
          “Is it true your curtains don’t match the carpet,” Penny countered and the blonde looked at her totally confused.
          “What?”
          “I’ll explain it to you when you’re older.”
          “You’re really not familiar with Chris’s people are you darling?” cooed the leggy brunette. “I’m Lavinia and that’s Chantal, Ambrosia, Portia, Mercedes and Alexandra.”
          “I love your perm,” Ambrosia perked, sitting up quickly.
          “It’s natural actually,” Penny shrugged, feeling slightly uncomfortable with all the eyes on her.
          “No really darling, who did it? It’s a fantastic job,” Mercedes cut in.
          “Oh know what would be a scream?” Chantal shrieked. “Let’s give Penelope a make over!”
          The women began to squeal excitedly and dashed about like caged budgies. Penny glanced at the nearby door but was grabbed by six pairs of hands before she could even take a step toward it.

          Julia glanced at the slowly pink turning sky as evening well and truly set in. She let out a sigh of breath as she looked from the window to the coffee table and spotted the pair of earrings she was looking for. She slid the backing onto the dangly silver numbers, as there was a knock at the door.
          “Fuck!” she cussed. This was not the time she wanted to be inundated with annoying visitors. Julia stalked over to the door and flung it open. Her breath caught in her throat when she found Liam standing there. “Liam?”
          “Hi,” he beamed as she opened the flyscreen door. His face dropped when he noticed she was dressed in a fashion that indicated she was going out. “Have I called at a bad time?”
          “Uh,” Julia replied as she pulled on a strappy sandal. “Kinda.”
          “Dinner with the girls huh?” he asked somewhat hopefully.
          “No, garden cocktail party with Ryan,” Julia smiled as she walked out of the room. Liam followed and watched as Julia began applying some purple eye shadow.
          “Oh,” he frowned. “I was gonna suggest we rent some movies and eat pizza.”
          “Aw, that would have been great,” Julia perked as she turned to face him. “Maybe next week,” she added and pushed past him and into Kirsty’s room where she selected a bag.
          “Yeah, next week,” Liam said half-heartedly. “So where are Blondie and Curly?”
          “Um I think Pen went to some god awful garden party with Chris and I sent Kirsty to Melbourne to deal with her Ross issues.”
          Liam gave a small laugh. “I hate when people won’t just admit their true feelings.”
          “I know,” Julia agreed. “It’s a bitch!”
          There was a moment of silence, where any normal people would have picked up on the non-subtleness of the previous conversation and moved forward but instead Julia reached for her car keys.
          “Well I’ve got to get going.”
          “Right,” Liam nodded and followed Julia out the front door. He stopped half way to his car and turned around. “Next week hey?”
          “Next week what?”
          “Nothing,” he shrugged and despondently unlocked his car.

          Kirsty had checked the written details about half a million times and that was before she reached the plush hotel. Rob had promised they were right but had laughed and said she was better off waiting until he came back. This did not perturb the adamant blonde who, after taking a deep breath, walked through the hotel lobby with as much false confidence as she could muster.
          She pressed the elevator buttons nervously and toppled out at the right floor with obviously shaking hands. She wasn’t good with new environments and was prone to getting lost. It was in fact a miracle she hadn’t ended up in the basement yet.
          She counted the room numbers and then froze. The one in front of her, it was his. God she missed him and with one or possibly two knocks he’d be right in front of her. Steadying herself, Kirsty rapped on the door and waited. A few seconds was enough to break her confidence and presume he was out doing something fun and not being as miserable as she was.
          Her attention was averted back to the moment when the door opened a crack.
          “Oh fuck,” came a quiet curse from Ross’s lips.
          “Hi,” Kirsty smiled as the door opened and she was surprised to see Ross with just a sheet wrapped around his waist.
          “Hi,” Ross smiled trying his best to look jubilant. “I certainly wasn’t expecting to see you.”
          “Are you mad?” Kirsty winced and wrung her hands.
          “No,” Ross beamed and then cringed as a female voice called from inside.
          “Rossy what are you doing you bad boy?”
          Kirsty’s look went to black mortification. “Oh please tell me you haven’t…”
          “I can explain!” Ross half-begged.
          Kirsty pushed past him into the room and was to furious to even speak, as she saw a thin woman with short dark hair pulling on Ross’s beloved Skyhooks t-shirt.
          “Hi there,” the woman perked and Kirsty eyed around for something to lob at the bitch’s scrawny head. Then she cooled and realised she wasn’t so much angry as upset.
          “Kirst,” Ross said softly and reached out to take her arm.
          Kirsty slapped his arm away and fled the room as she felt hot tears start to prick at her eyes.

          “Pen, it’s not that bad,” Chris mused as Penny stormed into the house in front of him. “Come on Pen, talk to me. It’s been four hours.”
          “I hate you and your posh inbred family,” Penny snapped as she crossed her arms.
          Chris looked apologetic and then started giggling. “Sorry, sorry it’s just you look so…different.”
          Penny’s eyes narrowed. “I look like one of them!” she yelped and surveyed herself in the hall mirror. Her curly locks had been straightened; make up adored her fake-tanned skin. The polish on her freshly manicured nails matched the beyond awful skirt suit she was wearing and the stiletto sandals, which also matched, ravaged her pedicured feet.
          “You look nice,” Chris said in an attempt to comfort her.
          “Oh so you’d prefer me to look like I’d stepped out of some posh fucking tea party huh?”
          “I love you no matter how you look,” Chris countered. “Whether it’s in jeans, a skirt suit or sprawled naked across my chest.”
          Penny tried very hard to glare at him but he was undeniably sexy and being sprawled naked across his chest was one of her favourite past times. “I’m going to have a shower and cleanse myself of this unnatural state.” She declared, fighting a smile, and marched into the bathroom.
          Once in the bathroom Penny kicked off the shoes and the clothes and turned on the shower. She slid under the water, happy to feel the make up coming off her skin and watch her hair re-curl. She grabbed the shampoo and happily massaged it in. As she washed the suds from her hair she felt two familiar, rough hands caress her back and creep around her waist.
          “I hate you, remember,” she remarked as Chris teasingly dropped kisses on her neck.
          “I want to break out of the inbred mould of my family,” Chris mused. “Besides, my cousin Persephone was a terrible lover.”
          Penny giggled and turned around in his arms, pressing her bare, wet skin against his. “You know they’re already dragging me to the country club and shopping and someone called Pirette Fennington-Locke’s drinks and nibbles next Friday.”
          “Wow, Pirette Fennington-Locke!” Chris gasped. “They must really like you darling.”
          “Oh?” Penny said surprised as she caressed Chris’s chest.
          “Not even I’ve been invited to the Fennington-Locke’s,” he remarked. “In fact, Pirette brutally turned me down after one very boozy evening at a fundraiser for starving children in Sudan.”
          “You mean I’m shagging one of Pirette Fennington-Locke’s rejects!”
          “I’m afraid so.”
          “I feel so dirty,” Penny gasped, pushing Chris away but then giggled when he pulled her back close again and kissed her.

          Julia sipped her flute of champagne. It tasted like a cat had relieved itself into a glass, then some evil human had chilled it and served it up to go with cheese and crackers.
          Ryan was deep in conversation with a couple of other guys about building the perfect garden walls and the perfect time to plant bougainvilleas. It wasn’t that Julia was bored, the garden was stunning, the food was lovely and the people warm and friendly but it just wasn’t the same. If this were her party there’d be Penny and Chris guzzling wine and debating some hot news story, Kirsty and Ross trying to outdo each other with outrageous stories and ending up in fits of laughter over things no one was quite sure of and Liam, Liam would be there crapping on about Port and their heritage. Sure, it wasn’t perfect but it was fun, her idea of fun. This was just adults hanging out and being adultly.
          Julia excused herself from the table and wandered off into the garden to ease her growing discontent. She walked through the rose arbour, past clusters of wildflowers and eventually stopped by the rather spectacular pond with bright lilies and lots of frog noises.
          She plonked herself on the grass and was pondering joining the frogs when to her relief her phone rang.
          “Hello?”
          “He’s fucking someone else.”
          “What?” Julia gasped as the rather raspy, teary voice of her friend spoke. “Who’s he fucking.”
          “Some skinny brunette!”
          “Did you slap him?”
          “She was wearing his Skyhooks shirt,” Kirsty sobbed. “I just left.”
          “What a bastard!” Julia scorned. “I can’t believe he did that.”
          “He was a wrapped in a bed sheet and she was knickerless. There’s no mistaking it.”
          “I’m sorry,” Julia sighed. “Are you coming home?”
          “Yeah,” Kirsty blubbed. “Got a flight for ten.”
          “I’ll come meet you.”
          “What about your cocktail party?”
          “I’ll tell you about it when I come get you.”
          “Ok,” Kirsty sniffed. “Better go.”
          “Yeah,” Julia breathed as they both hung up. She felt awful. At least if she hadn’t forced Kirsty to go to Melbourne she might never have known of Ross’s infidelity. Either way she was going to kick his arse when he got home.
          Julia got to her feet and made her way back to the nattering group. “Sorry but I’ve got to head off, bit of an emergency I’m afraid.”
          “Oh is everything all right?” Ryan asked getting to his feet. “Anything I can do?”
          “You can dig the hole for Ross’s badly beaten corpse when he gets back,” Julia chided and Ryan looked at her curiously while everyone else looked at her like she was nuts.

          “So who was the blonde?” Katie asked as she grabbed her underwear from the floor. “A maid or something?”
          Ross contemplated slapping Katie but decided against it. “No, not the maid.”
          “Friend?”
          “Just go.”
          “Aw and here I was thinking we’d finally found a way to get along.”
          “Along?” Ross gasped. “It was a mistake. A big fucking mistake.”
          “Is that any way to talk to your manager?”
          “Can’t you just leave?” he pleaded as she pulled on her jacket.
          “Fine but don’t forget, press interview tomorrow at nine.”
          “How can I forget,” Ross hissed as he watched Katie leave. She stopped to blow him a kiss and laughed as she closed the door.
          He fell back onto the bed and let out a frustrated cry. His phone screaming out as he did. Ross snatched up his phone from the floor.
          “Yeah.”
          “What did you do!”
          “Rob?”
          “What the fuck did you do?”
          “And it’s nice to hear from you too.”
          “Don’t be a wanker.”
          “How am I supposed to be serious when you phone up accusing me of things?”
          “Because I’ve just had Jools telling me that Kirsty called her in tears because she found you fucking someone else.”
          “Post fuck thankyou.”
          “Ross!”
          “I know, I know I fucked up.”
          “Who was she?”
          “Katie”
          “YOUR MANAGER!”
          “We’d been drinking, I was horny, her blouse was low cut…”
          “I knew you’d do this,” Rob spat. “YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!”
          “Who are you? My conscience?”
          “I’m the one you kept telling how much you loved her, how you missed her. She came there to tell you that very thing? Do you know that? She was going to tell you she still loves you.” Rob paused as he heard strange muffled noises. “Ross?”
          “Sorry I was smacking my head against the padded bed head.”
          “Shame it wasn’t a brick wall.”
          “Hey!”
          “So what are you gonna do?”
          “Call her, send flower, beg, hope, pray and possibly cut my penis off and flog myself with the cord from the hotel issued bathrobe.”
          “You’ve let me down Ross,” Rob sighed. “How am I supposed to look at you for a positive portrayal of a loving courtship when you go and screw things up huh?”
          “Don’t tell Mum.”
          “Do you care about her feelings at all?”
          “Mum’s?”
          “KIRSTY’S!”
          “She wouldn’t let me explain.”
          “She walked in on you and another woman. What did you expect her to do man? Sit down and wait eagerly for the reasoning behind you being naked with someone who was clearly not her?"
          “Well…”
          “Ross I might be your little brother who’s not as worldly as you but here’s some words of advice,” Rob paused. “GROW UP!” he then hung up leaving a startled Ross with the dial tone.