“Oh for crying out loud I’ll do it,” Kirsty gasped as Ross struggled to undo her button fly. She pushed his hands out of the way and got her jeans undone and promptly pushed them to the floor.
          “I’m rusty. Guess it’s been a while since I’ve done this,” Ross grinned sheepishly as he pulled his shirt off and threw it over the lamp.
          “So your manager didn’t wear jeans then?” Kirsty asked raising an eyebrow.
          “Nope. Only skirts and on very rare occasions, underwear,” Ross shrugged. “Ow! That’s not nice groping.”
          “I’m over it really,” Kirsty murmured breathlessly as she pulled him towards her and dug her nails into his shoulders a little harder than was necessary.
          “That’s not nice groping either,” Ross pouted and inspected his shoulder. “Hey is that blood?”
          “Maybe we’re rushing things. Maybe we shouldn’t have sex,” Kirsty sighed, pulling away and putting her hands on her hips.
          “No, I think this is the perfect way to rekindle the relationship. Get back in the saddle. Ride me like a horse and be my jockey,” Ross babbled more desperately than he would have preferred.
          “What are you on?” Kirsty asked, staring at him like he was mental.
          “Pheromones?”
          “Oh that’s all right then.”
          “Woohoo!” Ross yelled gleefully and dashed to his pants where he pulled out a fistful of condoms. He turned back to Kirsty, “Saddle up baby!”

          “Is there some sort of lock on this?”
          “It’s just a bra Liam.”
          “Are you sure there’s not some type of combination lock on it?”
          “It’s three little hooks!”
          “Can I just cut it off?”
          “No it cost me fifty bucks!”
          “Why do you have to wear it anyway?”
          “I’m not really into going tribal. No offence.”
          “I’d like you to go tribal.”
          “Yeah well you don’t have to carry these things around all the time.”
          “I’d be happy to.”
          “You have enough trouble walking. Breasts would just distract you.”
          “At least I’d be happily distracted,” Liam retorted “Yes. Got it!”
          “Big moment for you. Would you like a few minutes to record the memory in your greatest moments journal?” Julia asked.
          “It’s a happier world when the girls are free.”
          “So it’s not really me you’re interested in then. I’ll just read a book while you and the girls have fun.”
          “Yeah that’d be handy…Ow kidding!”
          “You know, you sounded quite serious.”
          “I was kidding. Really,” Liam winced. “No don’t dig your nails in harder, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.”
          “I hope you realise it’s your turn to supply the condoms,” Julia announced. “I used all mine up on Ryan.”
          “You’re killing the mood you know.”
          “You killed it when you took half an hour to get my bra off.”
          “Not my fault your bra’s the size of a marquee…OW! Not the nails again. OW!”
          “So, where’s the prophylactics?
          “The what?”
          “Condoms.”
          Liam thought for a moment. “Hold that thought!” he declared and hurried out of the room. He knocked on Kirsty’s door. “Ross, I need prophylactics!” The door opened and Liam was showered in small coloured packets of condoms. “Wow he knew what a prophylactic is…”

          “You know, you say you’re a stallion but really you’re more like a Shetland,” Kirsty announced looking at Ross who was still standing naked at the door.
          “I’d be offended if I wasn’t so horny.” He made to jump onto the bed but was distracted by the sound of his phone ringing.
          “Is that Tequila?” Kirsty asked. “You are not answering that!”
          “I have to. It might be important.”
          “More important than me?”
          “Ye...No, never more important than you. I’m still answering it,” Ross babbled as he found his phone. “Hello?…Dr Who?…He’s done what?…Ok I’m on my way,” Ross sighed as he tossed the phone into a corner of the room.
          “What’s happened?” Kirsty asked sitting up.
          “Rob fell off the stage, went head first into a table and is now in the emergency room semi conscious and with his head split open.”
          “Is he ok?”
          “He won’t be when I’m finished with him,” Ross growled as he hunted around the room for his clothes.
          “Do you want me to come with you?”
          “That was the original plan,” Ross grunted as he pulled on his jeans. “Do you know how hard it is to get your pants on with a raging hard on?”
          “I can’t say it’s been a problem in my life,” Kirsty mused and reached for her clothes. Ross looked at her giggled and then feigned frustration as he zipped up his pants.

          “So do you want strawberry, blueberry or pina colada flavour?”
          “Oh you’re back,” Julia looked over the top of the magazine she’d been reading and pondered for a moment. “Strawberry.”
          Liam tossed the others aside and was about to rip open the packet when his phone rang.
          “Port theme. Has to be yours,” Julia mused, turning back to her magazine.
          “Hello?…Mum…Jimmy’s done what?…He mistook marijuana for bulbs…No one is that stupid Mum…OK! He’s not stupid he’s special. Yes we’ll go now. Bye mum.”
          “Which Police station is he at this time?” Julia asked, sighing loudly.
          “Port Adelaide.”
          “Want me to go with you?” Julia sighed as she put the magazine down.
          “If you want” he shrugged, looking around for his shirt.
          “Well don’t fall over yourself with excitement. Not like we were going to do anything anyway.”
          “Sorry. I just feel like punching something at the moment. I’ll kill him when I see him.”
          “Punch Ross if it makes you feel better,” Kirsty announced, walking into the bedroom. Liam let out a shriek and quickly pulled his pants up. “Oh please, Jools has given me all the details.”
          “What kind of details?”
          “I’ve heard about that mole.”
          “Mole!” Ross giggled.
          “Wouldn’t laugh Shetland boy,” Julia smirked. ”What are you doing in my bedroom anyway?”
          “Just letting you know we’re going to hospital to pick up Rob. Fell off a stage apparently. Where are you going?” Kirsty asked noticing that both Julia and Liam were reclothing.
          “Jail.”
          “What?” Kirsty and Ross said together.
          “Jimmy got marijuana confused with bulbs,” Liam sighed sitting on the end of the bed to pull on his shoes.
          “What type of idiot gets those two confused?” Ross said in disbelief.
          “He’s not an idiot, he’s special,” Julia giggled and Liam rolled his eyes.

          They’d reached Gepps Cross before Ross decided the silence was killing him. He looked away from the blackened fields of animals awaiting slaughter and looked at Kirsty.
          “So what’s it like dating Patrick?”
          “He’s ok,” Kirsty shrugged. “It’s certainly not afraid to lavish money on you.”
          “Is he a good lover?”
          “You just want me to say he’s awful so you can mock him.”
          “Of course, anything to crush that bastard,” Ross smirked. “So is he?”
          Kirsty pondered a moment. “He’s selfish.”
          “Selfish?”
          “Yeah, it’s all about him. Humps away like a dog. I get bored and think of cakes.”
          Ross giggled. “I’m not selfish am I?”
          “I can’t remember,” Kirsty chided. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been there with you.”
          “I’ll kill Rob.”
          “To be honest I think the sex would have been crap anyway,” Kirsty sighed. “It was boredom and desperation talking, not all the important stuff.”
          “Oh?” Ross said surprised. “Well I was thinking of the important stuff, maybe I was talking for both of us.”
          Kirsty laughed. “I don’t think it works that way.”
          “I thought you missed me?”
          “I do.”
          “But you don’t love me?”
          Kirsty shrugged. “I don’t know any more. Longing and lust are different things, you know?”
          “No,” Ross said quietly and refocussed his attention out of the window. “I don’t.”

          “Will you stop cracking your knuckles,” Julia sighed as Liam grunted in frustration.
          “Sorry,” he huffed and began tapping his fingers on the armrest.
          “How come you and Jimmy have so many issues?”
          “Because he can never do anything wrong, Mum and Dad always defended him. No, Jimmy never nicked that bike, he found it in a ditch. Jimmy never groped Jenny Tanner, he was swatting flies. No, Jimmy didn’t try and drown Cousin Mick, he thought he was a cod.”
          Julia giggled and Liam shot her daggers. “Sorry, continue.”
          “Everything I’ve ever done is wrong. Liam got a girl pregnant; he’s a bad son. Liam is well educated, he must think he’s better than we are. Liam’s dating a successful white woman, clearly his own people aren’t good enough any more.” Liam rubbed his eyes. “They’re never proud of me, never have been, but Jimmy. He gets out on parole and they throw a fucking party.”
          “Tell me about it!” Julia mused. “It’s the same with me and Lyn.”
          “Really?” Liam said surprised.
          Julia nodded. “I could marry a prince, live in a mansion and do aid work in Somalia but they’d still point out that I dropped out of Uni.”
          “You dropped out of Uni!”
          “Don’t seem so surprised,” Julia pouted. “Anyway we’re talking about you.”
          “Sorry,” Liam said innocently as Julia pulled up in the police station car park. “I’m glad you’re here because I might need someone to pull me off Jim if I start strangling him.”
          Julia giggled and then her face fell as her phone began to ring. “Christ.” She huffed, grabbing fishing it out from her bag. “Hello? What? Now? Ok…”
          “Where does Lyn want picked up?” Liam sighed. “And if you go how am I getting home?”
          “I’ll pick Lyn up and come back. She’s only in town,” Julia offered.
          “Thanks,” Liam said, giving Julia a small smile. He turned and headed for the station entrance as Julia started the engine again.

          “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” Ross declared as Kirsty killed the engine as she parked outside the hospital.
          “I’m not going anywhere,” Kirsty smiled as they both got out of the car and headed into the accident and emergency waiting area.
          “Ross,” Matt from Rob’s band said with much relief.
          “What’s the prognosis?” Ross asked as a nurse appeared.
          “Are you Robert’s brother?”
          “Yeah,” Ross nodded. “Is he ok?”
          “Please come through,” the nurse smiled. “Oh family only,” she added looking at Kirsty.
          “She’s my…” Ross paused. “Coming,” he added abandoning Kirsty in the waiting room.
          “Ouch,” Matt sniggered and Kirsty shot him daggers.

          Rob lay prostrate on a hospital bed with a bandage around his head, black eyes and a fat lip.
          “Jesus fuck,” Ross gasped as he caught sight of his brother.
          “I fell,” Rob said rather pathetically.
          “Yeah, it shows,” Ross frowned. “Do Mum and Dad know?”
          “Are you kidding?” Rob sighed. “They don’t even know I’m in a band.”
          Ross shook his head as a doctor appeared and smiled broadly.
          “Hello, I’m Dr Neilstrom,” the doctor announced and shook Ross’s hand. “Your brother is going to be fine, we’ve checked for any serious damaged and the most he’s suffered is bruising and concussion. He did mention that he has had some recent head trauma aside from this.”
          “Yeah, he got hit in the head with a large painted rock,” Ross said flatly.
          The doctor nodded. “I suggest you buy him a crash helmet as one day he might not be so lucky.”
          Ross sniggered. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
          “Now, I won’t keep him in for observation but if he does get dizzy, passes out or starts vomiting, bring him straight back. Generally however, rest and Panadol are all that are needed.”
          “And his stitches?”
          “We’ll check them in a week,” the doctor nodded before his pager went off. “If you’ll excuse me…”
          “So that was my night,” Rob smiled. “How was yours?”
          “Well, now you mention it…” Ross mused and narrowed his eyes.

          Kirsty, who’d sent Matt home, was bored and just a little hurt from Ross turning his back on her, and decided to get a Mars Bar from the vending machine.
          She approached the large, candy-offering machine and began fishing through her pockets for money.
          “Ok, weird coincidence.”
          Kirsty looked up. “PEN!”
          “Why are you here?”
          “Rob fell off stage.”
          “So why are YOU here?”
          “I was with Ross.”
          “Oh really?”
          “Trust me, we didn’t get that far and then I fucked it all up by telling him I didn’t love him,” Kirsty huffed and banged the machine. “Give me my fucking Mars Bar.”
          “I thought you loved him?”
          “I do.”
          “So why…”
          “Idiocy,” Kirsty growled and banged her head against the machine. “Why are you here?”
          “Chris sort of re-injured himself,” Penny said sheepishly. “I had to get him checked out.”
          “How did he do that?”
          “Foreplay.”
          Kirsty’s face went from frustration to amusement in about a second. “Oh that’s brilliant.”
          “It’s not funny,” Penny frowned. “He passed out, I’m really worried about him.”
          “Sorry,” Kirsty sniggered, coughed and found her ‘adult’ personality. “What’s his prognosis?”
          “They think he just strained himself, too much effort for his abdomen just yet.”
          “What were you doing? Some weird Kama Sutra thing?”
          “No, he…he tripped over his pants trying to get them off in a hurry and fell against the bed.”
          Kirsty doubled over with laughter. “I shouldn’t laugh but…Oh god I can’t wait to tell Jools.”
          “Oh shut up,” Penny grumbled. “Bitch.”

          Liam strode into the police station and up to the officer at the desk who eyed him suspiciously.
          “Hi, I’m Liam Douglas,” Liam sighed. “You’ve got my brother is custody, James.”
          “Oh yes,” the officer frowned. “Perhaps you can ask him to stop yelling, ‘police brutality,’ whenever an officer goes near him.”
          “If you lend me your truncheon I’ll do it permanently,” Liam said in a far more evil way than the officer would have liked. “How much is bail?”
          “Ah $200 and he…”
          “Has a court appearance 9am Monday morning I know the drill.”
          “It’s a quiet night,” the officer mused. “We could keep him in the cells overnight.”
          Liam pondered a moment. “No, my mother would kill me and then you’d have to put up with her as well and believe me, no one should have to suffer that.”
          “Liam, you came for me,” Jimmy declared as he was led out.
          “Don’t think I’m doing it out of any sort of loyalty,” Liam scorned ,turning around to see Jimmy’s face drop and then perk up again.
          “He doesn’t mean that, my brother is always kidding around.”
          “No, I hate you,” Liam said seriously as he completed the necessary paperwork.
          “We were going to question him but we realised he was too much of an idiot to know anything of importance,” an officer piped up.
          “Oh you got that right,” Liam muttered, handing over the cash.

          “And then this skank came up to us and started to pick a fight but Kylie shoved her and she landed in the back of this fat chick and this brawl started and the cops had to be called,” Lynda babbled as Julia drove back towards the police station. “What were you doing?”
          “I was planning on having sex with Liam.”
          “Oh. Anyways the police came and did I tell you I forgot to wear undies when I went out and OH! I lost the cat but it turns out he was stuffed in the pantry. Oh and at work today someone bought in their dog and it had a grass seed stuck in its ear and they’d let it get infected and there was all this green pus coming out of the poor things ear and it absolutely stank. Then the fat chick sat on the skank and the police had to drag her off and then we got bored and I called you to come get me,” Lynda trailed off into silence. The silence didn’t last long because she turned on the radio and started singing very loudly to the song that was on. “Where are we going?”
          “I’ve gotta go get Liam and Jimmy.”
          “Who’s Liam and Jimmy?”
          “Liam’s the guy I’m kinda dating and Jimmy’s his brother.”
          “I thought you were screwing that gardener bloke?”
          “I am.”
          “Oh my god that’s…You are such a slut…Who’s better?”
          “Well you know what they say about black men,” Julia mused.
          “I didn’t know Ryan was black!”
          “You’re an idiot,” Julia giggled “Oh look we’re here. Just stay in the car I won’t be a minute.”

          “What am I going to do about Ross?” Kirsty sighed and pouted.
          “Can’t you just tell him you love him and want him to ravage you until you can’t walk straight?”
          “Don’t you think that’s a little desperate?”
          “Aren’t you a little desperate?”
          “Shut up!”
          “Just saying it like it is…”
          “Oh go and get fucked,” Kirsty grumbled.
          “Once I find out my future husband isn’t bleeding internally I will,” Penny grinned maliciously.
          “You’re future husband?”
          “Yeah, suck on that.”
          “Has he proposed then?”
          “About twice a day for the last few weeks.”
          “Oh my god!”
          “Ross has never proposed to you?”
          “No,” Kirsty whimpered. “No-one’s ever proposed to me.”
          Penny tutted, shook her head and looked at Kirsty with pity. “Spinsterhood is never pretty,” she sighed loudly.
          “Gee thanks Pen, you’ve really cheered me up,” Kirsty groused looking crestfallen.
          “The clumsy idiot’s been discharged,” Ross announced as he joined the girls and with Rob. Penny looked at Ross, tutted, shook her head and then sighed loudly.
          “I’d better go and check on Christopher. Toodles sweeties,” she announced and disappeared down the corridor sitting firmly on her perfect relationship pedestal.
          “She’s losing her mind,” Rob announced, staring after her. “Hey are you two back together?”
          “Yes,” Kirsty nodded.
          “No,” Ross countered.
          “Oh, you guys should probably talk about that. Make some kind of decision.”
          “Shut up Rob, you’re delirious,” Ross snapped and punched his brother in the arm.
          “My eyes are blurry,” Rob whimpered quietly.

          “So which one’s Jimmy and which one’s Liam?” Lynda asked, turning around in her seat to look at the boys in the back seat.
          “I’m Liam. He’s Jimmy,” Liam pointed to his brother.
          “How come you ended up in the slammer? Did you kill someone?”
          “No.”
          “Did you steal a car?”
          “Not this time,” Liam grumbled, “No.”
          “Did you flash someone?”
          “No.”
          “Did you rob a bank using a fish as a gun?”
          “No!”
          “For Christ sake he got caught buying dope,” Julia announced with mild frustration.
          “I didn’t know it was dope.”
          “Like fuck you didn’t,” Liam spat. It wasn’t long before the two boys were yelling at each other. Julia put up with it for about ten minutes before she pulled the car onto the side of the road and switched off the engine.
          “Right, if you two don’t shut up I’m going to leave you both on the side of the road and you can make your own way home.”
          “But he started it,” Jimmy whined.
          “I don’t care who started it but I’m finishing it,” Julia snapped. “Liam swap with Lynda and if you two boys start arguing again I’m going to drop you off at your Mother’s place and let her deal with you!”
          “Mmm you boys are in trouble,” Lynda sang as she started to dance around in her seat, while making up a song all about the two of them being in trouble. Julia made a mental not to keep some spare earplugs in the glove box in case this situation should arise again.

          Kirsty pulled up out the front of Ross’s apartment after battling the traffic from the hospital.
          “Uh thanks for driving us here,” Ross said stiffly.
          “No problem.”
          There was a long silence before Ross spoke again, “Are you going?”
          “Do you want me to go?”
          “Do you want to go?”
          “Oh for fucks sake,” Rob wailed. “Of course he wants you to stay and of course she wants to stay. The whole fucking universe can see that so just get over whatever little thing it is that’s causing you both to act like complete idiots and act like the besotted couple you usually are.”
          “So do you wanna stay?” Ross asked.
          “Do you want me to stay?” Kirsty asked.
          Rob let out a frustrated scream. “YES! The answer is yes!”
          “I thought you wanted Kirsty to yourself?”
          “Oh please, he’s never had a chance with me.”
          They fell into silence again. After about ten minutes Rob got out of the car, opened the passenger side door and dragged Ross out. He walked to the driver’s side and dragged Kirsty out, thrust the two together and practically pushed them up to the elevator and into the apartment.
          “He seems grumpy,” Kirsty pondered. “Should I go?”
          There was a loud scream from the bedroom. Kirsty and Ross looked at each other and started to giggle.