“So what did Ross say when you left?” Julia asked as she sat on the couch in her pyjamas eating Coco Pops.
          “Well, nothing really. He just did that puppy dog eyes thing but I ignored I,” Kirsty said dipping a spoon into the Coco Pops and taking a huge mouthful.
          “You walked away from the puppy dog eyes?” Julia stared at her in shock. “I’m stunned.”
          “Yeah, but it took me two hours to leave because I got into the car and just sobbed.”
          “I had to break up a domestic between Liam and Jimmy while Lynda was singing some ridiculous song about them,” Julia piped up.
          “So you didn’t get laid either?”
          “No, but mostly because he shit me and I left him at his mother’s.”
          “Bet he loved that.”
          “I think the abusive voice mail he left me and his creative use of the word spoon would indicate he wasn’t particularly impressed with it.”
          “This must be God’s way of saying we’re meant to be with Patrick and Ryan,” Kirsty sighed.
          “I think I’d have to kill myself if that were the case,” Julia shook her head and choked on her Coco Pops. “What are you doing today anyway?”
          “Meeting Patrick’s parents over lunch. You?”
          “The annual meeting of the Freesia lovers society.”
          “Is that to do with cows?”
          “I could hug a cow,” Julia mused dreamily.
          “And if there was a stampede at least it would be exciting.”
          “I might get trampled.”
          “With any luck he’d be the one that gets trampled.”
          “I could send him a nice shrub while he was recovering in hospital.”
          “You really do need help.”
          “I know!” Julia wailed, “What time you lunching with the troll family?”
          “Golf club at one.”
          “What are you going to wear?”
          “Jeans.”
          “They won’t let you in.”
          “I know,” Kirsty giggled. “I’m just devastated.”
          “Yeah it shows.”
          “What are you wearing to the flower lovers thing?”
          “My black dress with the red hibiscus on it.”
          “But that will clash!”
          “You think? Oh what a shame. I’m still going to wear it.”
          “I suppose we should get ready,” Kirsty sighed.
          “Yeah, it is noon after all,” Julia nodded but neither of them moved.

          Kirsty stared at the entrance to the golf club. She’d known she was going to hate it when they had driven under the giant archway that was covered with wisteria. Looking at the gilded statue of Norman Lexington, the founder of the club, she pondered taking off to the sixteenth hole and drowning herself in the water, or burying herself in the sand trap.
          “Mummy and Daddy are going to love you,” Patrick gushed as he steered Kirsty into the club and over to a table where an older couple were already seated.
          “Mummy, Daddy, this is Kirsty. Kirsty this is my mother Delia and my father Leonard,” Patrick declared.
          Delia was a short, chubby woman with bleached blonde hair who was wearing an ill-fitting gold pants suit. Leonard was a sweaty, greasy man with a bad comb over who smelt strangely of Febreeze.
          “Oh Kristy. Patrick’s told us all about you,” Delia gushed.
          “It’s Kirsty, Delila” Kirsty spat. She hated people calling her Kristy. “What has Patrick told you about me?”
          “Oh he’s told us that you work for him as his personal assistant,” Delia beamed.
          The fork Kirsty was playing with bent slightly. “Oh really! What else?”
          “I understand your parents own a winery in McLaren Vale,” Leonard piped up, clearing his throat in a disgusting manner and hacking it into a napkin.
          The fork bent even more. “Anything else?” Kirsty asked her eyes blinking furiously.
          “We’re just so pleased that out Patrick’s found someone who was raised in Burnside like him. Would you believe he actually dated a girl from…” she paused to shudder, “The Northern suburbs.”
          The fork snapped. “I’m, uh, just going to go powder my nose,” Kirsty smiled, placing the broken fork on the table before getting to her feet.
          “Bet she goes off in the sack doesn’t she son!” Leonard sneered and nudged Patrick.
          Kirsty silently counted to ten before walking away from the table and heading toward the restrooms.

          Ryan parked his ute across from the Kapunda town hall and turned to Julia.
          “Before we go in, you have to put these on,” he handed her a cap and a t-shirt that had ‘FLA’ and a silhouette of a potted freesia on it.
          “I’m not wearing those”, Julia announced, having already noted Ryan’s matching hat and t-shirt and trying hard to ignore it.
          “But everyone will be wearing them!”
          “Oh my god,” Julia gasped as there was a tap on the window. She looked out to see another person standing outside the ute and wearing the t-shirt and cap.
          “FLA All the way!” the person sang and raised a fist into the air.
          Julia closed her eyes and slowly sank down further into her seat, wishing it really were cows she was going to see.
          Inside the hall was decked with countless pots overflowing with flowering freesias and Julia couldn’t help but giggle as she imagined stampeding flowers and countless blood stained t-shirts and caps littering the hall.
          “Just like the Triffids,” she laughed to herself. “What?” Ryan said, staring at her as if she was losing her mind.
          “Nothing dear,” Julia sighed as she was lead over to their seats. “Hey are there going to be snacks at this thing?”
          “It’s a conference, not a seminar,” Ryan scorned.
          “Coke machine?”
          “No and you really should be wearing the t-shirt and cap.”
          “I’d rather rip my own eyeballs out.”
          “I thought you wanted to come here today?”
          “Well it was this or an all day dress fitting,” Julia shrugged. “Although I’m thinking I made the wrong choice.”

          Kirsty spent a good 20 minutes smacking her head against the cubicle wall before deciding to go back and join Patrick and his parents. She’d just left the room when she noticed Penny on a nearby couch and surrounded by a bunch of squawking harpies.
          “Pen! I didn’t know you were going to be here today!” she chirped and was promptly ignored.
          “Oh Penelope, there’s someone here trying to talk to you,” a tall brunette woman announced.
          Penny looked right through Kirsty and continued her conversation.
          “Oh, burn,” Ross announced, appearing from nowhere.
          “What the hell are you doing here?” Kirsty gasped as she turned around.
          “Gig.”
          “What for?”
          “I don’t know,” he shrugged. “Raising money for orphans whose parents were injured.”
          “Well they’re not orphans then are they?”
          “You’re a cold woman.”
          “Sorry about last night,” Kirsty said sheepishly.
          “Yeah whatever. I’m used to it,” Ross mumbled looking away.
          “Oh look it’s the entertainment,” Patrick announced as he curled his arm around Kirsty’s waist. Ross noticed her flinch slightly as he did. “Darling you shouldn’t talk to the entertainment. You don’t know where they’ve been.”
          “Last night I was between your girlfriend’s thighs,” Ross announced with a sneer.
          “Oh burn,” Kirsty giggled.

          “Jools, pay attention. This is important,” Ryan announced, poking her in the arm.
          “I was dreaming about the Wiggles.”
          “Jools, if you don’t pay attention, how are you going to know the correct pruning methods?”
          “I thought I’d just wing it.”
          “You can’t just wing it. You’ll kill the plant.”
          “I might even slip when holding the secateurs and accidentally castrate my boyfriend or something.”
          “I don’t think you’re taking this at all seriously,” Ryan spat.
          “Does anyone have any questions at this stage?” the speaker asked.
          Julia raised her hand.
          “I thought you weren’t interested. I’m so glad you’re finally taking part,” Ryan perked, a look of glee in his eyes.
          “Yeah, my question is…say you have a small dog and she gets mad at you because you won’t take her to the shops with you and she rips your freesias to pieces and buries a plastic bone in the pot, is there any way I can save them?” Julia asked with all seriousness.
          The man blinked, opened his mouth and just stared at her.

          “You can always tell a good woman by her hips,” Leonard announced. “This one has fantastic hips and is ideal for breeding,” he pointed to Kirsty, who wasn’t sure wether to laugh or cry.
          “I think you’re getting ahead of yourself, Father,” Patrick announced as he flushed a little.
          “I think my ovaries just committed suicide,” Kirsty mumbled under her breath.
          “Take Delia here, do you think I married her because I loved her. No. I married Delia because…”
          “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen,” Ross announced, bursting into the small stage as he began his act.
          “Oh thank god,” Kirsty announced and received glares from Patrick and his parents.
          “Thankyou all for being here today to support the McGuinness McDermott Foundation. Fantastic cause and your generosity is greatly appreciated. And let’s face it, this is a fucking golf club so I expect that with all the loose change in your pockets we could add a new wing to the Women’s and Children’s Hospital”.
          “True,” Kirsty agreed with a smile.
          “He’s such a horrible man. I don’t know why they got him to come here,” Delia announced, her nose turned so far in the air it could have touched a chandelier.
          “No, he’s not very talented at all is he,” Patrick agreed as he started twisted his napkin.
          “He’s better in the sack than you are,” Kirsty announced maliciously. “And those hips are definitely made for breeding.”
          Leonard dropped his fork in shock, Delia looked mortified and Patrick glared at her.

          Julia was sitting in the gutter outside the town hall and swigging from a bottle of wine she stole from a supply she’d found at the conference. She pulled out her mobile phone, dialled Liam’s number and took another swig as she waited for him to answer.
          “God this stuff is awful.”
          “Jools?”
          “The FLA kicked me out. Can you come pick me up?”
          “Who are the FLA and where are you?”
          “Freesia loving weirdos and Kapunda.”
          “Kapunda!”
          “Oh come on. I’ll let you have sex with me.”
          “You’ll be passed out by the time I get there.”
          “I don’t see the problem. It never stopped you before. So you coming to get me?”
          “I shouldn’t seeing as you abandoned me at mums last night.”
          “My bad,” Julian said nonchalantly. “I’m outside the town hall. Love you, see you soon.”
          An elderly woman was walking past with her shopping trolley full of groceries. She looked at Julia and shook her head.
          “Stop judging me with your eyes!” Julia shouted at her.

          As part of the arrangement with the club, Ross had to go around to all the tables and chat with all the guests. He wasn’t too worried about it originally but now he was having second thoughts about it, as he couldn’t stand seeing Kirsty there with Patrick. He decided the only way to cope with this was to annoy Patrick as much as possible. He’d already got Patrick to cough up $500 by fining him for drinking champagne like a girl. He finally reached their table and promptly plonked himself on Kirsty’s lap.
          “Is this your girlfriend?” Ross asked turning to Patrick.
          “Of course she’s my girlfriend.”
          “Do you love her?”
          “Of course I love her.”
          “Aw and do you love him?” Ross prompted as he looked at Kirsty.
          “Of course she loves me,” Patrick spat before she had a chance to open her mouth.
          “I asked her dickwit.”
          “And I answered for her.”
          “I’m sure she’s quite capable of forming sentences on her own so why don’t you just let the lady speak for herself.”
          “I think you should leave before I have you thrown out by security,” Patrick hissed as he stood up so he was looking down at Ross.
          “Make me,” Ross sneered, standing.
          “Ross, don’t do anything stupid. I know that’s a hard task but please try,” Kirsty pleaded.
          “SHUT UP you stupid woman!” Patrick snapped and glared at her.
          “No-one speaks to her like that!” Ross snapped and before he knew what was happening he’d punched Patrick. Patrick staggered backwards as blood poured from his nose. He tripped over a chair and landed flat on his back on a tray of cakes.
          “You just broke his nose,” Kirsty gasped, her hands shooting to her mouth.
          “I think I broke my hand,” Ross whimpered, rubbing his already bruising knuckles.
          “That was so hot…” Kirsty sighed breathlessly.

          Julia finished the wine, had wandered to the liquor store and bought a six pack of bundy and coke and wandered back to the town hall to wait for Liam. She’d just started the first can when he pulled up in front of her.
          “What on earth have you done to yourself?” he asked as he looked down at her. Julia’s dress was pulled up above her knees and her sandals were sitting in the gutter next to her.
          “Do you know how boring it’s been waiting for you?” she announced as she got up and staggered to the car.
          “I see you’ve managed to keep yourself occupied though,” he put her seatbelt on and started the car.
          “I love you,” Julia chirped as best she could in her drunken state.
          “Uh huh.”
          “Love you, love you, love you, love you,” she sang. “Don’t love Ryan. He smells like cow poo and has a weird thing for Friesians.”
          “Just what did you do to get kicked out of the FLA?”
          “Well, it all started when they wanted me to put on their stupid hat and t-shirt and I didn’t want to and they wanted me to but I wouldn’t put it on and so Ryan got shitty with me and he’s so boring you know. All he ever wants to do is look at plants. And they weren’t even going to have food at their stupid flower thing. What people don’t provide food? And you know I like plants and stuff but I think if he could he’d have babies with them and that’s just wrong and if it were a cactus it’d be hurty too. Hey, you had a haircut! So yeah they kicked me out.”
          “Right,” Liam glanced at her and realised that she was babbling exactly like her sister had the night before and found it oddly disturbing. He just hoped she didn’t burst into song.
          “So where are we going now?” Julia asked as she lolled about in the passenger seat.
          “I’m taking you home to bed.”
          “But I’m not sleepy.”
          “You will be.”
          “Are you taking me to your house or my house?”

          “How long is the taxi going to be?” Ross asked, looking at his watch and still rubbing his hand.
          ”I don’t know. I’m sure we can amuse ourselves until it gets here,” Kirsty mused as she grabbed him by his shirt and kissed him.
          “What are you doing?” Ross gasped, breathless.
          “Amusing myself until the taxi gets here,” she answered. “I thought that was obvious.”
          “I’m not sure I’m comfortable with your methods of amusement.”
          “You defended my honour. That certainly deserves some kind of reward.”
          “So if I keep punching blokes you’ll realise you still love me?”
          “Doesn’t hurt.”
          “Actually it does and that’s revolting and shallow and I’m appalled by your behaviour.”
          “Really?”
          “Nah,” he grinned and grabbed her pulling her into his arms. They were millimetres from kissing when the taxi pulled up in front of them.
          “Oh that’s just not fair,” Kirsty sighed as Ross grabbed her hand and pulled her into the taxi.
          “My place?” he suggested, raising an eyebrow.
          “And step on it!” Kirsty added, giddy.
          “What?”
          “That’s what they say in the movies.”
          “You are such a ditz.”
          “That won’t stop me from shagging your brains out.”
          “Step on it!” Ross told the driver. “Break the speed limit if you must!”

          “And that’s why I bought the new blender,” Julia finished as Liam got the front door open. A cat shot out the door and into the garden. “Hey, that’s not my cat,” she squinted at it. “Oh wait. Yes it is. It’s Yoyo. I keep forgetting him cos he’s new.”
          “Uh huh, come on. You need to get inside and go to bed, sleep it off,” Liam pulled her inside the house.
          “Bye Yoyo,” Julia waved at the cat.
          “You’ve gotta put your pyjamas on.”
          “No I’ve gotta go pee,” Julia declared and dashed from the room, hitting the doorframe as she staggered about and tripping over Wafer. Wafer let out a yowl and ran under the coffee table.
          Liam pulled back the covers of the bed and had sat on the edge while waiting for Julia to return. When she did, she had changed into her FLA t-shirt.
          “This is what they wanted me to wear today. It’s awful,” she announced as she sat on the bed.
          “Why are you wearing it then?”
          “It’s the same colour as my undies,” Julia shrugged and lifted the shirt to prove the point. “I want popcorn.”
          “You need to take a nap first,” Liam ordered and ushered her into bed.
          “You staying or are you leaving?” she asked as she pulled the quilt up to her ears.
          “You’ll find out.”
          “Mmm” Julia mumbled almost asleep. “When will I find out.”
          “When you…” Liam paused as he listened to Julia’s breathing slow as she nodded off almost instantly. “When you wake,” he sighed and headed out of the room.
          Liam reached the end of the short hall at glanced from the living room to the front door several times and pondered whether he wanted to be there when she woke up. He sighed heavily, fished his keys from his pocket and left.