Fenny strolled into the grocery store and shuddered as she was greeted by cheerful Christmas music being played over the loudspeaker. The onslaught of nauseating and out of date tunes would have been fine, had they not been playing the same CD since September. She spent a few seconds wrestling a cart from the untidy mass of others and then started to peruse the aisles.
          This too was a much more tedious task in the holiday season as she found herself swerving to avoid piles of puddings and un-snaring the decorative tinsel that kept latching onto her cart.
          Eventually she managed to cram her cart between a couple of others and retrieve some pet food. She was placing the final can of dog meat safely in the cart when a woman and her husband raced past nearly knocking her into a display of dog chews.
          "Quick, we need to get the turkey!" the woman wailed at her husband.
          "Yes hurry," Fenny mumbled rubbing her hip. "The frozen poultry might flee before you get there." She quickly manoeuvred her way from the pet food to pasta before the mad woman and her husband zipped past the bottom of the aisle. The woman was in a blind panic about cranberry sauce and flailing about comically. "I never want to be her…"
          It took Fenny 45 minutes to navigate her way through the store and she was pleased when her last item of shopping was scanned.
          "Are you having a good day?" perked the check out girl who was sporting a Christmas hat.
          "What constitutes a good day?" Fenny shrugged. "I stained my favourite top this morning, married an idiot, had a child forced upon me and the dog has a bowel problem."
          "At least you’re not married to that woman," chided the checkout girl and they both looked at the next checkout where the insane turkey woman was berating her husband for not getting enough mince pies.
          "You make a valid point," Fenny nodded as she paid for the groceries. "Let’s hope Santa brings her some Valium for his sake."
          The checkout girl started giggling and Fenny felt quite proud that she’d brightened someone’s day with her vast cynicism. "Have a great Christmas," the girl smiled.
          "I’ll try," Fenny nodded as she bundled up her groceries. "You too."

          Paul yawned as he sauntered into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He’d had a long day, not helped by the fact it was a million degrees outside and he’d been forced into a suit for half of it. He quickly located what he so desperately wanted, beer, and held the ice cold stubbie to his forehead.
          "Darling you have no idea how much I’ve been wanting you," he declared to the small bottle as he ripped off the top. The beer had barely reached his lips when Gina strode into the room.
          "Great you’re finally back," she perked. "We need to talk."
          Paul gave her a sideways glance. "Why? What have I done?"
          "Nothing I hope," Gina said raising an eyebrow. "Why? Is there something you want to tell me?"
          He looked sideways, down, up and then back at her. "No."
          Gina shook her head. "I need you to make a decision."
          "Blue."
          "What?"
          "Blue, that’s my decision."
          "I didn’t ask the question."
          "Can the answer be blue anyway?"
          "No," Gina scorned, crossing her arms. "What are we gonna do for Christmas."
          "Go to Uzbekistan," Paul replied quickly. "Or Japan."
          "They don’t celebrate Christmas."
          "Exactly," Paul sighed as he headed for the living room.
          "Pauly, my mother will kill me if we don’t pay her a visit," Gina groused as they both sat on the couch. "And you really should see your parents too."
          "Do we really have to?" Paul frowned. "Can’t we just send them nice cards and be done with it?"
          "Oh come on," Gina pouted. "We’ve not spent many Christmases together, I kinda want it to be a bit spesh."
          Paul took a mouthful of beer and pondered a moment. "I’ll happily spend Christmas here on one condition."
          "Name it," Gina perked.
          "That we spend it together, not with your family or my family. Just us and no one else."
          "We can still kinda visit the rellies beforehand though, right?" Gina said blankly.
          "Yeah," Paul sighed, rolling his eyes. "But on the day it’s just us. We can sleep in, make love…we’ve never made love on Christmas Genie!"
          "Can I cook a Christmas dinner," Gina asked, not entirely sure making love on Christmas was her top priority.
          "For two?" Paul gasped and Gina nodded. "Sure why not, let’s go for sexy romantic Christmas this year. Rather than the worn out, screaming kids and intense nausea inducing Christmas that we usually endure."

          Fenny fell in her apartment door, dropping one of her bags and sending potatoes rolling across the carpet.
          "You're so clumsy," Lilly mused, appearing with Mochrie from her bedroom. "You should know better than to drop food on the floor."
          "It was an accident," Fenny groused, somehow feeling the need to justify herself to a child. "Where’s your father?"
          Lilly shrugged. "He got a call then told me to watch TV and he wouldn’t be long."
          "He left you alone?" Fenny gasped and she crouched down to start collecting her stray potatoes. "How long ago did he leave?"
          "Dunno," Lilly pouted. "I still can’t tell the time."
          Fenny rolled her eyes as the last potato was put back in the bag and she carried the groceries into the kitchen. She was putting away the last of the pet food when Brad flounced through the door with several bags in his hands. He took one look at Fenny’s stern face and pondered whether to make a run for it.
          "You’re back," he announced with almost convincing surprise. "Who would have thought hey?"
          "You abandoned a four year old Bradley," Fenny frowned and crossed her arms.
          "Yeah Daddy," Lilly added and mimicked Fenny’s stance.
          "It was an emergency," Brad flittered. "I had to."
          "Shopping was an emergency?" Fenny continued. "What if she, I don’t know, decided to swallow bleach or something?"
          "Ew," Lilly winced. "Fenny-Mom’s gone mental."
          "Excuse me," Fenny gasped looking down at the revolted child. Brad attempted to poorly disguise a snigger. "Go and get ready for your bath," she huffed glaring at Lilly, who rolled her eyes and marched off toward her room.
          "Don’t you think that was a tad harsh?" Brad mused, heading toward his own room.
          "No, where the hell are you going now?"
          "I have to put a few things away."
          "First you can explain to me why you left your child alone," Fenny ordered.
          "I can’t," Brad pouted, but gave in as Fenny’s look became fiercer. "Ok, so I ordered you something for Christmas and the store called begging me to pick it up."
          "So why didn’t you take Lilly?" Fenny asked, trying not to think about how sweet he was actually being.
          "Lilly’s right, you have gone mental," Brad chided. "I didn’t want to drag her through the crowds and then have her wait in line with me."
          "That doesn’t excuse what you did," Fenny scorned.
          "I know, but I was excited about your gift and then I saw a couple of other things and my Christmas spending just went out of control," he sighed motioning to the bags.
          Fenny lowered her eyes and then looked up. "So what did you get me?" she asked coolly.
          "Like I’m going to tell you," Brad gasped as Fenny started to walk toward him. "NO!" he yelled, racing into the bedroom. Fenny chased him and they ended up wresting around on the bed, the presents discarded on the carpet near the dresser.
          "Ew, you two are gross," Lilly groaned, appearing at the door in a bright pink robe and Barbie shower cap.
          "Now sweetie that’s not true," Brad announced with mock seriousness. "Only Fenny is gross."
          "Oh," Fenny gasped and punched him in the arm. "That’s so horrible," she added before they fell into a kiss.
          "I’ll just go run my own bath then will I?" Lilly muttered, walking off in the direction of the bathroom.

          "What the fuck are you doing?" Paul gasped, wishing he’d stayed in his studio working on a painting instead of finding his living room overtaken by a mass of tinsel and cheery little decorations.
          "Putting up the tree," Gina smiled as she hung a rosy cheeked Santa figurine on the tree.
          "Tree? Since when did we own a Christmas tree?" Paul shrieked, looking mortified at the plastic monstrosity.
          "Since I bought one," Gina pouted. "I had so much fun picking out decorations and everything."
          Paul looked at her with contempt which increased when he saw Troy sporting a little Christmas hat and a bell. "Not Troy!"
          "I think he looks cute," Gina perked as she crouched down to flick the switch on the power point. The tree lit up with at least two sets of bright lights and Paul fought every desire not to find it just a bit pretty.
          "Dear god, what’s that?" he groaned as Gina produced what appeared to be the last decoration.
          "Tree fairy," Gina beamed proudly.
          "That’s a tree fairy," Paul scorned as he took it from her. "Fairies do not wear purple."
          "She’s a retro fairy, she’s like Mum’s," Gina enthused. "Took me ages to hunt one down on ebay."
          "You bought a fairy on ebay?" Paul said exasperated. "What the fuck possessed you to do that?"
          "I wanted our tree fairy to be unique," Gina shrugged, starting to feel like Paul just wasn’t sharing her enthusiasm.
          "But it’s not unique," Paul huffed, looking disgusted at the fairy. "You said your Mum has one the same."
          "Yeah but only cos I wouldn’t let her throw it out," Gina said defensively. "Are you going to put her on top of the tree or am I?"
          "I don’t think I should encourage this grotesque display of seasonal cheer," Paul breathed. "How am I ever gonna live down having a fucking tree in my living room?"
          "Well you could just enjoy it like normal people," Gina spat. "You could be just a little enthusiastic if not for yourself, for me," she added and stormed out of the room.
          Paul looked viscously at the smiling tree fairy. "This is your fault. You and all your fucking friends, I keep saying Christmas brings nothing but pain but does anyone ever believe me? No, of course they don’t. Then it turns out the woman I married secretly held a Christmas obsession and I never knew. I mean shouldn’t that be in the wedding vows somewhere. Shouldn’t people be forced to tell you if they have some weird fucking festive season thing going on? Before you end up married and having to go without despite your better judgement and bitter, loathing resentment of stupid looking elves and retro fucking fairies." Paul finished his tirade, took a deep breath and stood on his toes to put the fairy on top of the tree.

          Once Lilly had been bathed, wrestled into her pyjamas and escorted to bed Fenny and Brad snuggled on the couch to tolerate some cheesy Christmas specials.
          "I’m pleased to see you found the only open grocery store in California," Brad mused, nuzzling into Fenny’s neck.
          "Mmm," she agreed, enjoying the sensation of his warm breath on her skin. "There was a mad woman who nearly killed me."
          "Yeah? Christmas seems to bring out all the weirdos," Brad agreed.
          "Speaking of weirdos honey," Fenny mused. "We haven’t got a present for your Mom yet."
          "My mother is not a weirdo," Brad huffed. "I mean let’s not even mention your father."
          "Why? He’s completely insane? I’ll scream it from the rooftop if you want?" Fenny chided entwining her fingers with his.
          "This game’s never any fun," Brad huffed. "You’ll happily mock my family."
          "Well we’re not exactly America’s Greatest Family," Fenny breathed. "In fact we’ve got so many secrets, lies and anxiety that we should probably be on Springer."
          "Oh come on, your family isn’t that…" Brad paused and then nodded. "Yeah guess you’re right."
          "I know I’m right," Fenny declared, sitting up. "I mean we spent one Christmas at Aunt Laurie’s, strangely she didn’t put in an appearance. I found out three years later she’d died that morning."
          Brad looked at Fenny strangely. "You’re right, your family is screwed."
          "But you know, even without therapy I’ve learned to laugh about it," Fenny said gingerly. They both paused a moment before Fenny smiled and patted Brad’s thigh. "So what are we gonna get your Mom?"
          "Perfume?"
          "No, we got that for her birthday."
          "Biscuit selection tin?"
          "I’ve never seen your mother eat a biscuit," Fenny frowned. "Hell, I’ve never seen her eat."
          "Can’t we just send her a card with some money in it?" Brad suggested.
          Fenny pondered the idea a moment as Brad looked on hopefully. "No, I want it to be nice, heartfelt. I mean she is my mother-in-law after all. And not to pricey in case she decides to just chuck it out."
          Brad looked distant for a moment before smiling and snapping his fingers. "I’ve got it!"
          "Really? You mean I don’t have to go out?"
          Brad cocked his head to the side. "A nice family photo. Me, You, Lil, Moch’s and Jag."
          "Yeah like you and Lilly can stay still long enough," Fenny grinned. "I love it, it’s perfect. I mean the woman wouldn’t hate a picture of her own son and grandchild right?"
          "Well technically she doesn’t know Lilly is her grandchild," Brad mumbled. "But hey, it’s Christmas!"
          "Yeah Brad," Fenny chided. "Hi Mom, merry Christmas, by the way Lilly is your bastard grandchild conceived when I was too drunk to know better."
          "I hope you have an accidental child one day," Brad frowned. "Then I can mock you relentlessly."
          "You know, you’re right," Fenny agreed. "I’ll go out to a bar and get myself knocked up right now shall I?"
          "Why go out to a bar when you have me?" Brad pouted.
          "Because if I had your child it wouldn’t be a bastard," Fenny mused. "Oh wait, actually it might, taking after you and all."
          Brad gasped rather over zealously and faked offense. "Well, I was going to give you a sneak peak at something I bought seeing as how Lilly has gone to bed and all."
          "Oh!"
          "But since you were mean I don’t think I should," Brad frowned. Fenny pouted at him a moment before she took to trailing kisses over his neck and running her fingers beneath his shirt. "Ok," he swallowed. "I think you’ve persuaded me." He clambered off the couch, took Fenny’s hand and guided her into the bedroom. He sat her on the end of the bed and then scurried off into the bathroom. Fenny got distracted by a loose thread on the quilt while he was gone. "Taa daa!"
          "Oh dear god," Fenny giggled as Brad stood in the doorway with nothing but a pair of Rudolph boxers. He smiled and did something which caused the red nose that with situated over his crotch to light up. "Oh that is too cute."
          "Care to fondle my reindeer?" Brad asked with mock suaveness as he sauntered over to the bed.
          "Oh honey you can ride my sleigh anytime," Fenny said as sultry as she could without sniggering. She pulled him down onto the bed but lost it when the shorts started up a rousing chorus of "Jingle Bell Rock."

          "Genie," Paul called as he knocked softly on the bedroom door. "Genie."
          "Go away you un-festive little troll," Gina spat before the sound of wrapping paper and sticky tape filled the air.
          "Troll?" Paul mused and pushed the door open a little. "Genie can we just…" he quickly closed the door again as a stuffed giraffe flew at his head. "There’s no need to get violent."
          "Fine," Gina scowled. "Keep outta my face and I won’t hurt you."
          Paul stood sulking a moment before he decided he wasn’t going to take abuse from his wife. He was the man of the house after all and that should give him some authority. He looked at himself in the hall mirror and practiced a couple of lines he could use when facing Gina. "Sorry babe, I know you like this whole Christmas thing but it’s just not me. Therefore seeing as it’s my name on the mortgage I should chose whether we have a tree or not." He stopped and tried again. "Darling, I won’t have tacky Christmas decorations littering my house. You hear me, MY house." Paul let out a heavy sigh and decided the whole thing might have been more convincing had he not been wearing a Santa-style Christmas hat.
          He took a deep breath, puffed out his chest and marched straight into the bedroom. The bed was littered with wrapped gifts, wrapping paper and labels.
          "Genie…" he began confidently.
          "What?" she sniffed, her eyes red from an obvious bout of tears in an uncharacteristically girlie moment.
          "Well…" Paul mumbled. "The thing is right…" he groaned internally. "I love you and I’m sorry for being an uncaring, insensitive dickhead. I promise to be enthusiastic, happy and committed to seasonal enjoyment from now on."
          "Really?" Gina gasped dropping the Sellotape.
          "Yes," Paul huffed as he fell onto the bed next to her. "Although I’m not entirely sure why, since I damn well wasn’t a second ago."
          "I’m not gonna make you do anything you don’t want to," Gina sighed. "But it’s just not Christmas for me without a bit of tradition."
          "I didn’t think you ever cared that much," Paul breathed. "I’ve never seen you decorate a tree in all the time we’ve been together."
          "Yeah well Christmas hasn’t been the happiest time in those years pal," she chided, slapping his thigh. "But I’m so exceedingly happy this year. I mean my first proper Christmas in my very own house with the man I love."
          "Yeah, I am pretty special huh?" Paul teased and got elbowed in the ribs. "I feel so…mature."
          "You’re wearing a hat that makes you look like Santa’s evil elf," Gina laughed, playing with the pompom on the hat. "You have nothing to worry about."
          "Oh by the way I found something," he perked and wriggled around before producing a plastic piece of mistletoe from his pocket. "I was going to wear it here," he added motioning to his fly.
          "I really want to make a joke about the size of your penis," Gina sighed. "But because it’s the season of goodwill and all…"
          "For fucks sake just kiss me woman," Paul chided and pulled Gina into his arms. She giggled as they kissed and the mistletoe became long forgotten.
          "I’ve got a good feeling about this festive season," Gina said breathlessly. "It’s going to be out best ever."
          "So long as I don’t have to endure any of it sober I don’t care," Paul mused and Gina frowned. He panicked a moment before putting on a childish voice and announcing. "Sexy reindeer," while tweaking his nipples.
          Gina couldn’t fight a smile and giggled. "You start doing the whole reindeer being molested thing and you can sleep with the cat."
          "No, I’m saving that for dinner with your parents," Paul grinned as Gina shook her head and slapped a piece of tape over his lips. He grabbed his throat, pretended he couldn’t breathe and faked passing out.
          "New years resolution," Gina sighed, getting to her feet. "Get a divorce."