There were a lot of things Paul was hating a mere thirty seconds after crawling out of bed. The list so far included the stifling heat, the fact the sheets had been stuck to his bare skin with sweat and the unnerving look the cat was giving him from his spot on the kitchen table. The most unsettling thing however, was that despite his best efforts, it was Christmas Eve and he was stuck having to enjoy it.
He scratched his stomach and glanced around for Gina. He was surprised she wasn't baking, wrapping gifts or adding more atrocious decorations to the house. A clatter from outside caught his attention and Paul sauntered, in his only underwear, out onto the verandah.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he groused, still not fully awake.
"Cooking the meat for tomorrow," Gina replied as she took the lid off the barbecue. "Figure I should get a head start and all."
"That I can understand," Paul nodded and sauntered over. "It’s the barbie that’s got me stumped babe."
"You’ve never had a chook cooked on a barbie?"
"I’ve never owned a barbecue before," Paul shrugged. "Hold on, I still don’t. Where the hell did that come from?"
"Scott and Vicki," Gina perked, looking proudly at the glowing coals. "Mind you I did have to plead since they’re still angry at us because of the Kama Sutra gnome incident."
"You know I still can’t remember doing it," Paul mused, looking whimsically over the back garden.
"Well it’s the only explanation I can give to finding you asleep on the verandah cuddling their peeing cherub."
"True," Paul nodded. "So, once you get the chicken on," he added coyly, "don’t suppose you want to spend some quality mistletoe time?"
"Are you kidding?" Gina gasped. "Don’t get me wrong I’d love to pash you for hours on end but there’s just so much to do."
"Like what?" Paul groused, the blood stopping halfway down his body and making its way back to his brain.
"Well Dan’s coming over sometime," Gina shrugged. "And don’t think I can’t find things for you to do."
"Oh woo," Paul sarced. "I’m already bubbling over with anticipation."
"What happened to your promise to be enthusiastic and happy?" Gina frowned, waving about a rather nasty looking barbecue fork.
"It fled screaming to the hills and raped my Christmas spirit," Paul huffed. "Y’know if I’d known you were a festive freak I’d never have married you."
"PAUL!" Gina shrieked, holding the fork in his direction, the prongs gently pressing on the flesh of his abdomen.
"Too far?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Why can’t you be into Easter woman, I like Easter."
"It’s not rising," Fenny whined, turning on the oven light and looking at the cake she’d made. "Why isn’t it rising?"
"Maybe it saw you and gave up hope," Brad sniggered and received daggers from his wife. "Or maybe it’s just hiding."
"I hate you," Fenny grumbled. "I followed the instructions implicitly and everything."
"Are you absolutely sure?" Brad queried, getting to his feet and checking the cake’s progress himself. "Because it looks really sick sweetie."
"Yuh huh," Fenny huffed. "The eggs, the water, the fruit, the self raising…" she paused and looked at the bag of ‘plain flour’ on the bench in front of her. "For Christ’s sake."
"Now, now," Brad soothed, rubbing her back. "You can’t blame to Lord Almighty for your own stupid mistakes."
"Oh you are so getting a Christmas cake batter enema," Fenny groused as Lilly appeared with a piece of paper.
"Merry Christmas," she beamed, holding out the piece of paper.
"What’s this sweetie," Brad smiled and took it from her.
"A card for you and Fenny Mommy," Lilly replied as Brad and Fenny both glanced at the bright scrawls.
"Well isn’t that just gorgeous," Brad gushed and gave his daughter a kiss. "I’ll have to find somewhere to put it now."
"Where everyone can see it," Fenny added as Lilly moved to her side.
"I love you," she said sweetly.
"Oh," Fenny gasped, feeling incredibly touched, freaked out and horrified all at once. "I love you too."
"And I love you Daddy," Lilly continued.
"I’m glad," Brad mused. "I’d be worried if you didn’t."
Lilly waited a second before she spoke again, her cherubic face smiling brightly. "Can we open presents now?"
Brad and Fenny’s faces both fell, "Oh my God she was buttering us up!" Fenny gasped, realising how much the child had in common with her father.
"How can we open presents when Santa hasn’t been yet huh?" Brad asked. "There won’t be any until he delivers them."
"But there’s presents in your closet," Lilly said, frowning.
"What were you doing in my closet?" Brad gasped.
"Looking for presents."
"They’re old clothes wrapped in paper," Fenny suggested lamely.
Lilly looked unconvinced. "You said Santa wasn’t real."
"Well no, shopping mall Santas aren’t real," Brad sighed. "The real Santa lives at the North Pole and he’ll come tonight on his sleigh and…"
"How’s he gonna get here on a sleigh?"
"It flies, its reindeer powered."
"Reindeers don’t fly."
"Yeah they do."
"No they don’t."
"Yeah they do."
"Ass," Lilly mumbled. "How will Santa get in to give us the presents then Daddy? Will you let him in?"
"No he’ll come down the chimney."
"We don’t have a chimney."
Brad let out a defeated groan and then smiled. "Hey Lil wanna get some hot chocolate?"
"Yeah!" Lilly grinned and dashed off to find her coat.
"Thank God for that," Brad groaned. "How’d she get so smart anyway?"
"I blame television," Fenny shrugged. "The kids of today, can’t even believe in some thinly disguised piece of commercialism to trick consumers into spending their life savings on crap, only to receiving just as much crap in return. It’s just a farce Bradley."
"I wish I hadn’t asked," Brad pouted. "Go and tend to your pathetic excuse for a cake."
"Fine," Fenny chided and then lowered her voice as she turned to the oven. "Don’t blame me for you inability to make your kid believe in Santa."
"I heard that," Brad huffed half way to the door. "I hope you get burnt."
"Yeah not gonna…ARGH!" Fenny yelped, dropping the cake pan on the floor and sucking her finger.
"Bloody neighbours, I don’t even like the nosy bas…" Paul stopped himself as Vicki and Scott’s front door opened. "Merry Christmas!" he perked, holding out a plate of Christmas goodies and a card.
"Oh," Vicki gasped, timidly taking the gifts. "Thankyou."
"Pleasure’s all mine," Paul smiled. "You’ve been good to us, especially Genie, and we just wanted to say thanks."
"We do what we can," Vicki nodded. "We’ve got something for you as well actually."
"Really?" Paul said, surprised as Scott appeared with a cheap bottle of wine and a card.
"And this is just for you," Vicki added and Paul felt himself blush as she handed him a Santa Clause gnome.
Paul cleared his throat. "Thanks, he can bond with Archie."
"Archie?" Scott said, bemused.
"His gnome," Vicki laughed, happy to see Paul mildly uncomfortable after she’d woken to traumatised children after they’ve discovered the garden ornaments doing unsavoury things one morning.
Paul was halfway up the driveway when he saw Danny’s car come to a stop not far from him.
"Nice gnome mate," Danny chuckled, clambering out of his car with a Christmas bag.
"The neighbours haven’t forgiven me for defiling their garden ornaments yet," Paul mused as they headed for the door.
"Yeah, I still don’t remember us doing that," Danny sighed. "I still have the water nymph though."
"Peeing cherub," Paul nodded, motioning to himself as they entered the hall.
"Where’s your better half?" Danny asked as Paul placed the wine, gnome and unopened card on the kitchen table.
"Cooking enough meat to send a vegetarian into severe shock," Paul mused, opening the back door.
"Dan!" Gina shrieked, bouncing over to him and giving him a big hug. "How have you been?"
"Traumatised," Danny laughed. "I brought gifts," he added.
"Oh come in and I’ll give you yours," Gina perked and they all went back inside.
They quickly got comfortable in the living room, Paul and Danny both sucking on beers.
"Who’s going first?" Paul asked, leaning back into the couch. "Are we drawing straws?"
"I’ll go," Danny smiled cheekily and handed both Gina and Paul a gift each. He watched eagerly as Paul opened the rather obvious bottle bag.
"Woohoo! Tequila!" he grinned. "Thanks mate."
"You know you shouldn’t encourage him," Gina sighed, shaking her head as Paul unscrewed the cap and took a couple of sips.
"The poor man needs something to get through Christmas with you," Danny laughed. Paul started sniggering but stopped when Gina frowned at him. "Oh cheer up you miserable cow and open yours."
"Yes sir," Gina scowled but smiled when she produced a Crows guernsey from the paper. "Aw thanks Dan," she cooed and kissed his cheek.
"You know you shouldn’t encourage her," Paul chided, still taking sips of his tequila.
"The poor women needs something to get through football season with you," Danny cackled as he unwrapped his gift, he burst out laughing when he realised it was a brand, spanking new Swans guernsey. "Snap!"
"You two are just freaky," Paul mused.
"We know what we like," Danny said defensively. "Oh that reminds me," he added and grabbed a smaller bag out of his Christmas bag. "This was on the doorstep of my place this morning, it’s for Paul."
Paul suspiciously took the bag and looked at it oddly. "Don’t think it’s a bomb do you?"
"Better not be, I’ve no desire to clean up your blown apart remains from the carpet," Gina chided as Paul pulled a card from the bag.
He tore open the envelope and was surprised to see a card with two polar bears hugging. "Dear Pauly," he read aloud. "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Love always and forever, Freya. P.S. I Hope you like the present."
"I’m going to kill her, really I am," Gina scowled as Paul tore the paper form the small bundle. It turned out to be a velvety jewellers box.
"Mate, she went all out," Danny gasped, wondering why even long term girlfriends only ever bought him deodorant and socks.
"Fuck me," Paul gasped, opening the box and then showing Gina and Danny a pair of diamond studded cufflinks. "I don’t know what to do."
"Give them back," Gina suggested.
"That would mean having to see her," Paul breathed. "I can’t see her."
"I’ll give them back," Gina smiled. "Actually I’d enjoy shoving them down her throat."
"Hey Coleman," Danny chided. "They’re expensive cufflinks."
"All the more fun," Gina said wickedly. "So what are you gonna do hon?"
"Drink more tequila," Paul breathed and took a long drink from the tequila bottle.
"I’ve forgotten something, I know I’ve forgotten something," Fenny whined, pacing the kitchen and running through the list of food she had for the next day again.
"Your sanity maybe?" Brad suggested as there was a knock at the door. "Oh that’ll be it now."
"Idiot," Fenny grumbled.
"Ass," Lilly suggested.
"That too," Fenny agreed.
"I didn’t find your sanity," Brad announced, wandering back into the room. "But I did find the Grinch."
"You found the Grinch," Lilly gasped and raced out of the room. She returned half a second later. "That’s just Proopy."
"Greg’s here?" Fenny gasped. "Why didn’t you say?" she added, marching from the room to find Greg waiting on the couch.
"Hey pumpkin," he beamed, getting to his feet and wrapping her up in a hug. "And I’m not a Grinch you…"
"Ass?" Lilly suggested.
"Why yes," Greg agreed. "I come baring gifts."
"There’s a skill," Brad and Fenny said together and then followed up with, "Damn Gina!"
"Do you wanna open them or not?" Greg asked and Lilly squealed making his ears hurt.
"Can we? Can we? Can we?"
"Gee I dunno," Brad said with mock sternness.
"Daddy!" Lilly whined.
"Oh ok, we’ll open Uncle Greg’s presents," Brad smiled, sending Lilly into excitement overdrive.
"My mother would have a fit," Fenny mused, taking a seat beside Greg on the couch.
"Fen, I think you’re old enough to not worry what your mother thinks," Greg mused as he handed Lilly a gift. "Merry Christmas Lil."
"No, I’m really not," Fenny winced and then smiled as Greg handed her a parcel.
"And for Sherwood," Greg mused as he handed Brad a familiar looking bag. "Well open ‘em!" he demanded.
Lilly tore off the paper of her gift and gasped loudly. "Look Fenny Mommy," she gushed and showed off the large drawing pad and collection of bright pens, crayons and pencils to use on it. She immediately started working on her first project and Fenny couldn’t help but feel just a little proud.
"Open yours," Greg enthused and Fenny pulled herself away from watching Lilly, to tear off the paper and was amused to find a pocket survival guide. "I figure next time you panic in a situation you’ll have a reference guide."
"Thanks I think," Fenny laughed. "And hey, you never know when knowing how to lance a boil will come in handy."
"TEQUILA!" Brad announced loudly. "Wait," he added and handed Greg a similar looking present which he encouraged him to open.
Greg cackled as he pulled out his own bottle of tequila. "I’m thinking we all had the same thought."
"Oh you’re right," Fenny laughed. "Dan got one for Paul and Gina got one for Dan."
"You can never have too much tequila," Brad mused, unscrewing the lid and smelling the liquid.
"Can I have some?" Lilly asked, looking up from her drawing.
"NO!" the three adults said at once.
"But you said…" Lilly began but was cut off by her father.
"I think it’s time you went to bed young lady."
"Yeah I know," Lilly huffed as Brad looked at her sternly. "And wait for Santa who isn’t real."
"Dude, your kid is four and has a ‘tude," Greg gasped.
"I’m a great parent," Brad huffed and stalked off after his daughter.
"It’s genetic," Fenny said, looking up from her survival guide. "I don’t suppose it tells me how to cook a turkey in here does it?"
Gina woke and looked blearily at the glowing numbers on the clock radio. It was 4am, it was Christmas and yet something felt wrong. She rolled onto her back and knew immediately what it was, her husband seemed to have disappeared. She threw back the covers and padded out of the room. She scoured the whole house looking for him, eventually going outside as a last resort. Gina was surprised to see Paul sitting on the verandah, leaning against the wall and staring out into the darkened garden.
"What are you doing?" she asked softly and sat beside him.
"Huh?" Paul mumbled as if he’d just been woken up. "Oh, I couldn’t sleep."
"How come?" Gina yawned, resting her head on his shoulder.
"Well, it’s weird you know," Paul sighed, wrapping and arm around her shoulders. "Usually it’d be because I’m stressed or grouchy but not this time."
"There’d be a first," Gina mused.
Paul gave a quiet laugh. "I can’t sleep because I’m bloody excited. I feel like I’m a kid again man. I haven’t felt anything but intense hatred for Christmas for years and to be so excited that I can’t imagine sleeping is just plain freaking me out."
"Aw," Gina cooed as her fingers stroked the bare flesh of his stomach. "I think it’s sweet."
"You do realise I’m blaming you," Paul continued. "I mean I wouldn’t be in this position if you hadn’t insisted on being so fucking festive."
"I’m confused," Gina sighed. "Is it a good or a bad thing this excitement you’re feeling?"
"That depends," Paul shrugged. "Is it wrong to want to wait until the sunrises, then rush into the living room and open all my presents."
"If you don’t go to bed Santa wont come," Gina chided as Paul rested his cheek against the top of her head.
"What if I left some carrots out for the reindeer?" Paul queried. "And some cake for…" his voice trailed off. "I think I’m six again."
"I’ve been saying that for years," Gina sniggered and then stopped when she realised he wasn’t. "I don’t know what you expect me to do?"
"Sit with me until the sun rises," Paul breathed. "I’ve not seen dawn on Christmas in years."
"Oh ok," Gina smiled and dropped a kiss on his cheek. "But if Santa doesn’t come I’m blaming you…"
"Did you get her to bed?" Fenny yawned as Brad snuggled under the covers with her.
"Just," Brad replied. "She’s still debating the validity of Santa."
"Well you’ve only got yourself to blame," Fenny mused, looking at the clock. "Look at that, it’s after midnight."
"Is it?" Brad gasped. "Well, Merry Christmas Mrs Sherwood," he cooed and they shared a quick kiss.
"You have no idea how weird that sounds," Fenny giggled, breathless.
"I can imagine," Brad smirked as they started to relax.
"Are you sure you don’t want to escape to Latvia so we don’t have to endure my family?" Fenny asked sleepily.
"No, I enjoy the idea of watching you suffer," Brad mused and was poked in the ribs. "It’ll be fine, what’s the worst that can happen?"
"Mom refuses to go near the food I cook, Addie and Sully gang up to eviscerate me and Dad manages to set our apartment on fire."
"Don’t you think that’s just a little over reaction?"
"I’ve not told you about the year Dad actually caused a small fire in the living room by ‘altering’ the tree lights then?"
"Er no."
"I lost the talking doll I got," Fenny huffed. "I’d wanted that doll for ages too."
Brad was pondering giving his wife therapy sessions as an extra Christmas present when a voice piped up from his side of the bed.
"Is it Christmas yet? Can we open presents? Can we Daddy?"