"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy," Lilly squealed as she raced into her parents’ bedroom with a rather packed Christmas stocking.
          "What is it sweetie," Brad groaned, using all his strength to open his eyes.
          "5:32am," Fenny grumbled and had to muffle a sob into her pillow.
          "Look what Santa gave me," Lilly continued, clambering into the centre of the bed and emptying the contents onto the covers.
          "Wow, aren’t you spoiled huh?" Brad said with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. Despite the fact he had clear recollections of filling the stocking only a few hours earlier.
          "Look Fenny-Mommy," Lilly enthused, clawing over Fenny to show her a packet of crayons.
          "They’re great," Fenny nodded, despite not being able to see them both in the near dark and without her glasses.
          "Can we open the other presents now?" Lilly asked as she fingered a plastic pony. "You should see what Santa left!"
          "I thought you didn’t believe in Santa?" Brad mused, rubbing his eyes.
          "Yeah but that was before…"
          "Before what?" Fenny asked, now annoyingly awake.
          "Before he brought me a Tickle Me Elmo."
          "How do you know that’s for you huh?" Brad chided as he finally managed to sit up.
          "Don’t look at me, I like Cookie Monster," Fenny chimed in. "Unfortunately, he became a victim of Daddy’s home made barbecue fuel."
          "Huh?" Lilly said blankly.
          "Your Dad never did that babe," Brad sighed as he threw back the covers.
          "Yeah, try telling that to Sully who’s still got burn marks on both his shins," Fenny pouted, reaching for her glasses.
          "Elmo’s mine right?" Lilly asked, confused with all the non-present opening conversation.
          "Of course he is sweetie," Brad smiled as he hunted out his sweat pants.
          "Woohoo!" Lilly shrieked as she dashed out of the room, leaving her stocking and its contents scattered on the bed.
          "You’re not seriously getting up," Fenny yawned, still safely snuggled under the covers.
          "Yes my darling I am," Brad mused and grinned wickedly. "And so are you," he added and tore the quilt from over her.
          "Oh no fair," Fenny whined, the cool morning air making her shiver. "I hate you."
          "Tell it to the lawyer," Brad cackled as he carried the bundle of covers from the room.
          "I will," Fenny mumbled, reaching for a jumper. "Irreconcilable differences or he’s generally too stupid to live with."
          "What’s that?" Lilly asked, looking up from Elmo to her father who was dropping bedclothes into the study.
          "A sure fire way of getting your Mom up," Brad sniggered and Lilly cocked her head to the side. "So we can open presents."
          "Oh," her face lit up. "That’s all right then."

          "Genie," Paul whispered, squeezing his wife’s arm. "Genie."
          "Mmm," Gina mumbled, ignoring him entirely. They had in actual fact not gotten to bed until after six and she had no desire to get up before lunch, if at all.
          "I know you’re awake," Paul declared, but Gina still lay motionless. He narrowed his eyes and mouthed a silent obscenity. In a last ditch effort to get a reaction he began to gently trail kisses up her spine.
          "Fuck off you bastard," she tried to grumble but was actually smiling.
          "Well that’s no way to treat me," Paul huffed. "On Christmas Day an all."
          "Go ask Santa for a blowjob then," Gina chided and wearily reached behind her to pat his chest.
          "I’d rather one of the reindeer," Paul sighed and they both fell silent. "Aw come on, it’s Christmas, get your arse outta bed," he announced about thirty seconds later as he tickled her. Gina squealed and they wrestled a bit until they started to kiss.
          "Is that a candy cane in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Gina giggled slightly breathless.
          "What pocket? I’m not wearing any pants," Paul replied lecherously.
          "Funny, could have sworn it was a candy cane," Gina teased bringing her lips to his again.
          "I’d like to think my penis has more girth than a candy cane," Paul panted.
          "Oh honey, so would I," Gina giggled and then squealed as Paul started to tickle her again. "No, stop it you prick."
          "Not until you apologise," Paul huffed as he pinned her arms to the bed.
          Gina pouted and then fell as sultry as she could. "I’m sorry baby," she cooed.
          "Apology accepted," Paul beamed and brought his lips fervently to hers again.
          "Mmm thankyou Santa," Gina giggled.
          "For what?" Paul asked, hoping she wasn’t referring to him as Santa.
          "For bringing me one of his elves to play with," Gina cackled and Paul, despite wanting to throttle her, cracked up too.
          "You’re an evil woman," Paul mused, falling onto the mattress beside her.
          "I know," Gina smiled. "Merry Christmas, I love you," she added.
          "I love you too," Paul smiled in an uncharacteristic sappy moment. Their lips crept back towards each other when the phone began to ring in the living room. "If we ignore it they’ll go away."
          "You know I can’t do that," Gina breathed, crawling off the bed, retrieving her singlet from the floor and hurrying out of the room.
          Gina reached the living room and snatched up the phone from where it has been abandoned on the coffee table. "Hello?"
          "Merry Christmas!"
          "Merry Christmas Ma," Gina mused as her mother’s perky voice came over the line.
          "Wish that idiot a Merry Christmas too. He is still there right?"
          "Yes mother, he hasn’t up and left me."
          "Makes a change."
          "So, how’s Dad?" Gina asked, changing the subject. "What did he get you?"
          "Still here and what do you think he got me? He got what he always gets."
          "People’s Friend Annual."
          "Not an original bone in his body."
          "Has there ever been?"
          "No, did that idiot get you anything?"
          "I don’t know and can you not refer to him as ‘that idiot’ please."
          "But he is."
          "Who’s an idiot?" Paul asked, sauntering into the room.
          "You," Gina replied. "And granted he may be mother but he’s my idiot and I love him."
          "Yeah," Paul nodded and motioned for Gina to give him the phone. She did and wandered off to switch on the tree lights as Paul took over the conversation. "Hey Mum, what’s all this calling me an idiot. I know you love me, I can hear it in your voice. Why Sandy, I didn’t know you knew such language. Hey? No, your daughter and I don’t buy each other gifts per say, we just exchange bodily fluids. You remember what that’s like right? She goes down on me and I…"
          "I’d like to apologise for him," Gina babbled as she quickly took the phone back. "And for the record, he isn’t ever receiving any sexual gratification from me ever again."
          "Oh please, I could have you begging in ten seconds," Paul chided and then lowered his voice. "Just ask Sandy…"
          "You sick fuck," Gina gasped then realised she was still on the phone. "Oh god, Mum, no not you!"

          "Thankyou again for the collection on ludicrously expensive supplies," Fenny mused as Brad slid his arms around her waist from behind and kissed her shoulder. "And the sexy undies," she added, lowering her voice.
          "My pleasure," Brad breathed as he stooped down to kiss her on the lips. Fenny quickly abandoned her vegetable peeling and wrapped her arms around his neck.
          "DADDY!" Lilly screamed from the living room.
          "Be there in a sec honey," Brad called back and then pushed his lips back against Fenny’s.
          "DADDY!" Lilly wailed again.
          "I SAID A SECOND!" Brad yelled and instantly regretted it as Lilly starting hollering.
          "Oh for god’s sake," Fenny groaned, pulling herself away and picking up the potato peeler again. "Go to her."
          "If she keeps this up I’m going to Hawaii and giving her back to her mother," Brad groused, marching out of the kitchen. A few moments later there was a knock at the door, well actually it seemed to be a series of knocks which constituted the melody of ‘Jingle Bells.’ "Fen, your folks are here," Brad yelled.
          Fenny appeared looking vaguely distraught. "If we’re quiet they might go away."
          "Fenella!"
          "I know," Fenny huffed. "They’re family," she added, sauntering over to the door and pulling it open.
          "Merry Christmas!" her parents beamed, brushing past her into the apartment.
          "Yes, you too," Fenny mumbled, holding back the desire to ask why her father’s nose was bandaged.
          "I don’t want to be here," Addie declared, stalking past and glaring. "Oh great, the bastard child is here."
          "Hi Aunty Addie!" Lilly beamed, racing over with her arms open.
          "Don’t let it near me," Addie groused, turning her back on an unsurprised looking Lilly.
          Fenny was about to close the door when she noticed her brother, well, the back of his trench coat. He was pressing a rather tiny Asian girl against the wall, while their tongues were busy being crammed down each other’s throats. "Are you coming in or shall I just leave you to copulate against the chipped paintwork?"
          "Huh?" Sully gasped, somehow pulling himself away. "Oh Fen," he added, sounding almost disappointed.
          "I hope so, otherwise you’re making out in a really strange place," Fenny quipped and stood aside to let them in.
          "I know," Sully grumbled. "This is Leah by the way."
          "Nice to meet you Leah by the way," Fenny mused and then looked coyly at her brother. "How can you date her when our parents are totally rednecks?"
          "Easy," Sully shrugged as he led Leah inside. "They just ignore her entirely."
          "I feel I should apologise," Fenny sighed as she felt a tug on the apron she forgot she was sporting. She looked down to see Lilly looking annoyed. "What’s wrong sweetie?"
          "Aunty Addie is a skank," Lilly said blankly. Sully did a double take and looked horrified at Fenny.
          "You’re so perceptive," Fenny smiled patting Lilly on the head and heading back to the kitchen.

          "Oh, nearly ready," Gina perked as she checked the potatoes that were slowly roasting in the oven.
          "Oh mate, that smells fantastic," Paul declared, sauntering into the kitchen in only a towel, his body still sporting droplets of water from the shower.
          "And it’s nearly ready so get some clothes on," Gina ordered. "The only meat and two veg I wanna see are the ones on my plate."
          "Oh come on, it’s not like there’s going to be anyone here but…" Paul voice trailed off as he realised Gina was sporting her best summer frock and had styled her hair. "Hey, you look gorgeous."
          "Oh you noticed then," Gina chided, averting her attention to lighting the candles on the table. Paul gave a small lecherous cackle as Gina leaned over to light the second candle and she looked over her shoulder at him. "Are you gonna get dressed or what?"
          "I tried that deodorant you bought me," Paul smiled. "Wanna smell?" he asked lifting his arm and motioning to his armpit.
          "Gee there’s an offer I can’t refuse."
          "Just proving I’m grateful babe."
          "I’m pleased, really I am," Gina chided and whipped his towel off. "Now go get your pants on!"
          "I used that body scrub stuff too," Paul declared proudly. "You should smell my scrot…" he paused as Gina’s expression got considerably darker. "Can I have my towel back?"
          "I’m going to start serving so be quick," Gina sighed handing him his towel. "Like when we have sex," she added as Paul headed out of the room. Only stopping to flip her off.
          She was just putting the last of the vegetables on the plates when Paul reappeared in a smart pair of black slacks and the shirt she’d given him for Christmas.
          "You approve?" Paul asked, doing a cheeky little twirl.
          "Very nice," Gina replied. "Almost enough to make me forgo dinner."
          "Hey, I just got dressed," Paul chided as he sat himself at the table. "Don’t even think about getting me naked again."
          "I can’t help it," Gina laughed.
          "Mmm kinky," Paul purred. "No, it’s the Lord’s birthday and I shouldn’t be thinking immoral things."
          "Oh so talking about fucking my mother wasn’t immoral?" Gina gasped, reaching for her glass of bubbly.
          "Babe please, I’m about to eat," Paul gagged, grabbing his glass. "Merry Christmas beautiful," he added as Gina reciprocated the toast and they clinked glasses. "Ahh! It’s non-alcoholic!"
          "Duh," Gina said blankly.
          "Are you trying to poison me?"
          "It won’t kill you."
          "Are you sure because I think it might."
          Gina shook her head and got to her feet. "You’re so lucky it’s Christmas," she breathed as she grabbed a beer from the fridge, popped the top and set it on the table for him.
          "Thankyou darling," Paul said sincerely and took a swig of the beer to wash away the taste of the non-alcoholic cats piss he’d been forced to drink. "Have I told you that you’re a fantastic cook?"
          "Today? No, you’ve told me I’ve got fantastic breasts and a great sucking motion."
          "World class mate," Paul giggled as he stuffed a piece of chicken into his mouth.
          "We’re such a classy couple," Gina mused. "I can’t think why the neighbours are trying to distance themselves."
          "I don’t think it’s such a bad thing," Paul shrugged. "I can’t fucking stand Vicki and Scott anyway."
          "Oh hon, they’re nice people," Gina sighed, taking another sip of her drink.
          "No, they’re demonic," Paul said blankly. "Vicki has taken you on as her personal sex guru, which is just sick man, she’s got children and they don’t need to know their parents screw each other on the breakfast bar. Not to mention that fact I have to hide behind foliage to escape Scott who keeps asking when I’m gonna come to the park for a game of footy. No, I'm glad they’re backing off."
          "They do it on the breakfast bar?" Gina gasped. "I never told her to do that."
          "I’m so glad you listen to me Genie," Paul breathed as it took several seconds for Gina to look at him. "Hey, since it’s Christmas, let’s dress as Mr and Mr Claus and do in public to fuck with the local kiddies."
          "What, sorry?" Gina mumbled, looking at her husband blankly.
          "Merry Christmas," Paul smiled wryly. "The potatoes are beaut."
          "Right," Gina nodded and took another sip of her drink. "Merry Christmas."

          "How is it?" Fenny asked, looking uncomfortably around the table.
          "Turkey is a little dry," her mother declared. "And the carrots could have done with a little longer."
          "Not as good as Mum’s," Sully mused, stuffing turkey into his mouth as Leah nodded in agreement.
          Fenny gave a wry smile and glanced around the table again. ‘Great Mum hates it, Sully and Yoko there don’t seem to mind. Damn Addie and her "I’m on a diet can I have tofu" demand. Lilly was right, she is a skank. Oh and to top it off Dad’s drunk most of the wine and is ranting about foreigners invading the place. Yoko, I mean Leah, Leah must feel so wanted,’ she thought, a sigh forming in her chest.
          "I think it tastes fantastic," Brad beamed. Fenny was impressed he was doing well for a man whose child was being ignored by its quasi-grandparents.
          "Oh honey," Fenny mused. "You’re just saying that because you’re hoping to get laid later." The table fell silent and its occupants (minus Lilly) looked at Fenny in shock. "What? You’re all virgins then?"
          Brad stifled a snigger into his glass of wine, Addie looked mortified, and Sully and Leah avoided eye contact while Louise just blushed.
          "Fenella," David slurred. "I’ll have you know your mother is great in the sack."
          "DAD!" Fenny, Addie and Sully all wailed, their combined appetites leaving the building quicker than Elvis.
          "Santa’s sack?" Lilly asked, looking at her father.
          "Yes sweetie," Brad nodded. "Your Granny used to work in Santa’s workshop, in the sack department."
          "Oh my…" Fenny groaned, burying her face in her hands. "Excuse me," she added getting to her feet and disappearing into the kitchen. She grabbed the phone from where it’d been abandoned on the sideboard and sank to the floor against the cupboards as it dialed.
          "Do you have any idea what time it is?" came a rather tired and grumpy sounding reply from Gina.
          "My entire extended family are insane," Fenny whined. "All of them certifiable."
          "So’s my husband," Gina grumbled. "Why are we having this conversation?"
          "I made Christmas dinner and they all came. My parents hate Lilly and Yoko…"
          "Yoko?"
          "Sorry, Leah, and Addie is being a right wench and Dad’s gotten drunk and declared my mother is great in the sack."
          "Merry Christmas."
          "I’m on the verge of a breakdown," Fenny breathed. "I actually want to scream and wail."
          "So do it."
          "Can’t, everyone’s still eating dinner," Fenny moaned. "What’s a quick way of relieving tension and stress?"
          "Masturbation!"
          Fenny heard a yelp.
          "I’m sorry for that," Gina chided and Fenny could hear Paul cursing in the background. "Do I honestly have to advise you on everything?"
          "Would I be calling if you didn’t?"
          "True," Gina agreed. "Ok, so here’s what you’re gonna do. I want you to go back in there, ask Brad to accompany you to the bedroom and then you’re gonna…"
          "No, no I’m not gonna anything," Fenny said in a lowered voice. "My parents are just out there."
          "Then eat some chocolate and stop whining," Gina chided. "Now can I get back to groping my husband?"
          "Ew, is Paul naked?" Fenny cringed.
          "Bollocks everywhere," Paul declared proudly.
          "I need therapy," Fenny declared before hanging up and wandering back into the dining room. She stood watching everyone like they were on television and she was just a viewer. Her father was waving about a half empty glass while drunkenly arguing with Sully about Leah. Leah was looking about ready to burst into tears while Addie sat scowling and knocking back drinks of something that clearly wasn’t wine. Meanwhile Louise was having a tepid conversation with Brad about god only knew what as she continued to ignore Lilly, who had started to wail to get her father's attention. "Brad can we talk a minute?" Fenny piped up, surprising herself.
          "Sure sweetheart," Brad said curiously as he got to his feet and followed her into the bedroom. "What’s up?" he asked as Fenny closed the door. "I mean I know your parents are being unsociable and Addie is a…" his voice trialed off as Fenny threw her arms around him and kissed him deeply.
          "Screw the lot of them," she breathed. "I’ve done what everyone else wants for this damn holiday now it’s my turn."
          "You want pudding?" Brad asked and then was forced to swallow as Fenny unbuttoned her shirt and dropped it to the floor, she then kicked off her shoes and slid out of her pants. "Fen, jeez your parents are just out there."
          "I know," Fenny smiled. "And I really, really don’t care," she added, her hands caressing the warm flesh beneath his shirt.
          "You’ve locked the door right?" Brad breathed, his hands finding their way to her body as they both moved toward the bed.
          "Shut up," Fenny giggled as their kissing turned from passionate to lustful.
          "Yes ma’am," Brad grinned, pulling his shirt off rather clumsily as they ignored the increasing noise in the dining room.

          "Genie," Paul announced as he snuggled into her back.
          "What?" Gina replied, completely exhausted from the lack of sleep, cooking and everything else.
          "Are you really gonna grope me?"
          "Go to sleep you perverted little man."
          "Hey!"
          "It’s not Christmas any more hon, so you can’t use it as an excuse."
          "Fine, but I want a grope New Year’s Eve ok?"
          "I’ll schedule it in sometime before midnight and you passing out."
          "You’re a good wife."
          "Shut up," Gina giggled as Paul nuzzled into her neck. They fell quiet and Gina finally felt she was beginning to drift off.
          "So you think Fen will follow your advice and fuck Brad?" Paul sighed whimsically.
          "You’re gonna have to wait until Valentine’s Day for that grope now."
          "Crap!"

          "What have you been doing?" Louise asked as Fenny and Brad reappeared, Brad fixing his belt.
          "Oh, we were just talking about the best way to serve the pudding," Fenny smiled as they sat at the table, Brad’s hand finding its way to her knee.
          "Yeah right," Addie sneered. "It doesn’t take that long to discuss pudding."
          "Perhaps not for you…"
          "Your pudding looked a bit dry," Louise piped up. "I could make something else."
          "You made pudding?" Sully laughed. "I’ve got to see this."
          "So do you all want pudding?" Fenny asked, getting to her feet. There was a cacophony of replies which turned quickly into the debates that had arisen before Fenny has disappeared to the bedroom. "SHUT UP!" she yelled and everyone (including Lilly) looked at her stunned. "I’m sick of this, really I am. You’re in my home and you can damn well go by my rules. Addie if you want to be a miserable bitch then go do it somewhere else. Daddy you’re incompetent, stupid and racist and you’re making a fool of yourself. Sully, it’s time you got over yourself and stopped acting like a narcissistic smug bastard and for Christ’s sake let Leah talk for herself. Mother, whether you like it or not Lilly is my step daughter, I love her and if you don’t learn to accept her then don’t ever bother showing up on my doorstep again." She paused as her family sat blank and subdued. Fenny looked at Brad. "And honey, you are the best when it comes to quickie sex."
          "I know," Brad nodded, amused by Fenny’s outburst.
          "Right, now that’s settled I’ll go and get dessert," she perked. "Don’t you just love Christmas, can’t wait for next year," she added, skipping off into the kitchen.