RANDOM THOUGHTS
			Last night (6/27/02) in therapy, we had a worksheet entitled, "What I want to hear."  It asked if there were any messages that we could hear from other people, what would they be?  It had 2 columns. One was called, "ABOUT ME" the other "ABOUT MY BODY" I started crying uncontrollably.  After all the years of hearing my mom tell me that I don't need to depend on a man and to take care of myself, the one thing that I wanted to hear was, "You're pretty."  I couldn't stop crying.
	My mom has always been mean and abusive.  My father has alwasy tried to pacify the both of us.        They are going on vacation in a week and want me to go ( the vacation will last two weeks). i dread it.   I dreaded it when I was young and i do now.  My sponsor (in a 12step program) told me to tell them    that I wasn't going and to stick with it.  I did that, but then, out came the insults and guilt trips and shame.  "you're so ungrateful and selfish.  All you have to do for this trip is SHOW UP and you can't even do that!  You don't care about us, all you care about is yourself, etc."  I'm at the end of my rope, when they start in on me I cave in and give in.  Why do I do this and how do I stop without feeling like total and complete trash? DEAR READER...I did it...I didn't go on the trip.  I had lots of support from my therapist, 12step group and the best book on fear, guilt and obligation in the world EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL by DR. SUSAN FORWARD.  It helped me so much!  OH YEAH...AND LOTS OF PRAYER!