'THE ONYX HOTEL TOUR': Spears' stripper act an unfocused bore
Show filled with false sexuality, horrible songs, trite choreography
By DOUG ELFMAN
REVIEW-JOURNAL
On Friday night, the comedian Chris Rock stood on stage at the MGM and said
his only job in life is to keep his daughter "off the pole": "They
don't grade fathers, but if your daughter is a stripper, you (messed) up."
The very next night on the same stage, Britney Spears slid down a stripper's pole in front of 13,300 people, then walked over to a bed and pretended to hump a dude.
This came right after she sang a ballad called "Touch of My Hand," during which she stripped off a white robe, revealing a nude body suit, and rubbed both hands over herself while on her back in a motion simulating masturbation.
There's nothing wrong with that in my book, in theory. But in reality, B.S.'s new tour is an unfocused bore of false sexuality, horrible songs, trite choreography, unfocused themes and less ambition than a house cat that sits around licking itself all day.
It's not even so bad it's good. It's so bad it's bad.
It's so bad that B.S., who's 22, signed up to sing this masturbation song on tour, and she pretends to masturbate for something like three minutes, and yet she has done such a poor job of executing a catchy chorus/orgasm that she hasn't generated any marketable controversy.
You'd think there would be some controversial whining at least from Clear Channel, the friend-of-Bush entertainment company that is now endorsing governmental bans on forms of entertainment that are not Puritanical.
But, uh-oh, Clear Channel is B.S.'s tour promoter, so don't expect it to shut down her money-making tactics. Clear Channel is an example of what Chris Rock calls "the hypocrisy of democracy."
In B.S.'s defense, few kids were there. The crowd looked nothing like the stereotype of her previous tours of preteens, Maxim subscribers and gay men. It looked more like a convention of women in their 20s, 30s and 40s, wearing blond dye and short skirts.
Those fans whooped their biggest cheer when B.S. seductively dropped her robe. If you are a sociologist or some other -ologist, please e-mail your theory of why at least 8,000 adult women went manic to see this woman naked.
I'm not even sure you can call her the woman she was meant to be. Look at those booby boobs. Her teeth are white like bleach. And those hair extensions, and that weird tan: You're kidding me, right?
As for her singing, she told The New York Times she does not lip-sync, but one of her managers told the Times her vocals are a mix of recorded and real-time sounds. Either way, those vocals were unfortunate.
B.S. tried to croon cabaret versions of her pop hits, " ... Baby, One More Time" and "Oops É I Did It Again." But her style and meter were troubled. Shaking your thing in a bustier and ruffled panties does not automatically make anyone a cabaret singer.
To say her new songs -- especially "Showdown," "Boom Boom, (I Got That)" and "Outrageous" -- are immediately forgettable is giving them credit they don't deserve. They were hardly "songs" to begin with. They were annoying, short, moronic keyboard loops, punctuated with tiny vocals tricked out electronically.
B.S. talked twice. Once, she alluded to tough personal times that were caused by her recent, 55-hour marriage in Vegas. But her experiences "made me who I am right now" and made her "realize how beautiful life can be," she said.
The other time she talked to the crowd, she goo-goo-gah-gahed, "Oh, my goodness, a lot of cute guys (are) in the audience tonight. Are you guys feeling lucky? Who knows? ... Maybe, I'll marry you!"
B.S. called this charade "The Onyx Hotel Tour," because she fancies herself as an onyx, a gem that changes colors when light hits it. So, a few stage props appeared hotel-ish. And an emcee insulted audience members and farted. I'm still not sure why the Onyx hotel wants this gassy guy as its concierge.
B.S. claimed a "portion" of her $48.50-$98.50 tickets was donated to her Britney Spears Foundation. I asked several tour people to comment on what that "portion" is and how it gets spent. They did not respond.
A source told me attendance was as high as it was because a huge number of tourists were in town for a NASCAR event and other stuff and they bought tickets on the day of the show.
But there was an abundance of serious fans. A 21-year-old guy insisted I write that B.S. is "gorgeous" and that he loves her videos: "She pushes it to the edge."
But after the show, nonfanatics who were walking behind me griped how hideous she was. "She sucked," one woman said. "I really thought she would have more talent than that."
I agree. B.S. didn't just suck, she suckity-suck sucked. I'm grading her a "D-," and not an "F," because I think she has room to degrade. If you think B.S. can't get any worse, you're selling her short.