Top Ten Ways That Britney Can Be Considered a Serious Musician
(c) 2002 James N. Watkins
Britney Spears, MTV exotic dancer and star of the PG-13 movie Crossroads, is complaining that people don't take her music seriously. Why would anyone NOT take, as a serious musician, a busty babe in a bikini slithering with a boa (a real constrictor type boa) while lip-syncing pre-pubescent pop?! People can be so cruel!
So, as a public service to Britney and her legions of junior high fans, I have in my right hand, direct from my home office...
Top Ten Ways That Britney Can Be Considered a Serious Musician
10. Put some clothes on. I'm not suggesting you should dress like Sister Mary Britney, but how 'bout somewhere between J.Lo and Janet Reno?
9. Actually sing during a concert. (Okay, maybe that's too much to ask of you and the boy bands.)
8. Sue the pants off the Internet sites that are selling doctored pictures of you without your pants. (Yes, guys, those "nude" photos of Britney are computer-generated.)
7. Find a songwriter with a bit more depth than:
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I think I did it again
from Oops! I Did It Again
Get it get it, get it get it (WHOOOA)
Get it get it, get it get it (WHOOOOOA)(Do you like it)
Get it get it, get it get it (OOOHHHH)(This feels good)
from I am a Slave 4 U
And I want some more
Woah yeah ay yeah
from Anticipating
6. Sponsor a fund-raising concert for a developing nation, political prisoners, or world hunger relief. Avoid subsidizing "The Neil Diamond Home for Senior Singers," body-piercing for the homeless, or "Tattoos for Tots."
5. Appear on Oprah. Cry a lot about how you're misunderstood as a virgin vixen, about your tortured childhood of being deprived a belly-button ring for your third birthday, and how that boa thing was all those manipulative marketing people's idea.
4. Record a gospel album. (It worked for Elvis.)
3. Appear on a Barbara Walter's special. Cry a lot about how you're misunderstood as a virgin vixen, your tortured childhood of being deprived a belly-button ring for your third birthday, and how that boa thing was all those manipulative marketing people's idea.
2. Read to children at inner-city schools. I'd suggest The Wheels on the Bus: A Musical Pop-up Book by Roseanne Litzinger rather than Gene Simmons? Kiss and Make Up.
1. Record one of my original songs that you can download from my Web site, and make me rich and famous, too.
Okay, so it is tempting to make artistic decisions based on the bottom line--or in Britney's case--the bust line. Record companies, publishing houses, and even newspapers, have to make a profit to stay in business, so it's tough balancing style with substance, art with commerce, and inner beauty with the implanted variety.
As Britney sings . . .
What is a girl to do
God, I need some answers
What am I to do with my life
How am I supposed to know what's right
from Overprotected
Well, I've always found great wisdom in The Brady Bunch. Remember that classic TV episode when Greg was signed by a record company to be teen heartthrob "Johnny Bravo"? (This was during the season when all the Brady guys, including Dad, got perms. Not pretty!) Anyway, it turned out Greg was chosen, not for his singing abilities, but simply that the costume fit him. And when he refused to compromise his values, the company found someone else to fill the suit.
Greg learned that the music business is a business. People who absolutely refuse to compromise will end up singing in the subway or selling their books from the trunk of their '86 Pinto. People with less integrity--and a lot less talent--will find themselves on a Pepsi commercial one week and a "Whatever Happened to . . ." profile the next.
Hopefully, like Greg Brady, Britney can find that careful compromise at the crossroads of her career -- and record some of my music.